AlecTrevelyan's Top 10 Villains from the movie Goldeneye

AlecTrevelyan006 ranks the Top 10 Villains from the movie Goldeneye on November/December of 2008. He actually have done this way back at the beginning of 2008, but unfortunately he got really tired near the end and it showed in his write-ups. Therefore, he decided to make a proper write-ups in this REMIX edition of his old list.

10.) Private Ivan Twitchy Fingersov
It’s the beginning of the film. 007 has infiltrated the Archangel Chemical Weapons Facility, but Soviet soldiers have captured Alec and have Bond cornered. Bond is hiding amidst the gas tanks. The Soviet commander executes Alec, and the rest of the soldiers open fire. Ourumov: “HOLD YOUR FIRE! You’ll blow the gas tanks!” Bond fiddles behind the large tanks. Ourumov: This is your last chance! Come out with your hands above your head…. Bond is moving behind a cart full of gas tanks. The soldiers raise their guns. Ourumov: WAIT! Bond moves, using the cart as a shield… one soldier, who is nervous and sweating, squeezes off a few shots that ricochet off the metal. Ourumov promptly turns around and shoots him in the face.

OWNED. That's what you get for not listening when the team was set to "hold fire"!

He's like Boomer in SOCOM. Anybody who has played it knows what I’m talking about. You have been given a stealth mission, you don’t want your men alerting the enemy. You obviously picked the SR-25 SD (the silenced sniper rifle), because you know where all the enemies are, and you want to pick them off one by one until you get near the hostages/bomb/enemy leader/cookout that you weren’t invited to. You probably gave your allies assault rifles just in case, hopefully silenced.

So now level has started, you move forward and get in the bush. Every time you start a mission, you say "team low profile" or "team hold fire” so your guys won’t give away your position. You nestle down with your sniper rifle and wait for the enemy. You wait for a minute, there’s the drunken terrorist walking down the road…. Wait, what? A cutscene pops up showing the alarm going off in the base. How did they see me!??! I’m in a bush in full camo! You turn around, and realize that this entire time Boomer has insisted on standing.

So you restart. You get back to the bush. You start trying phrases into the mic “Get Down” “Team, get down” “Team, lay low” “Able, get down” “Boomer, get the hell into the bush”. Finally, after pleading for 5 minutes he finally lays down.

You pull your rifle out, wait for the bad guys to come... there they are… you wait for them all to come into view… lining up your shot... BANGBANGBANG. Boomer is of course shooting at them from 800 yards away. With an assault rifle. Maybe even an automatic machine gun, or hell, his pistol. Just to spite you. Once again, a cutscene pops up showing the alarm going off in the base.

You reset and try again. You decide to take up post looking around a corner. You tell Boomer to “hold ground” at his spot behind the corner. You zoom in on the guards… BANGBANGBANG cutscene. You turn around and Boomer is crawling up your ass.

You curse Boomer, reset the mission, and just pop him in the head and save your entire damn team some trouble.

Who cares if you lose points off your grade on the mission, or if you're down to 3 men right off? The best solution is ALWAYS to shoot that dumbass in the head before he can ruin it for the whole team. In fact, occasionally I'll just pop him in the head, restart the mission, and repeat a few times in hopes that he'll learn his damn lesson. After one particularly frustrating few tries at a mission, I executed him fourteen times in hopes that one of his reincarnations would have some sort of pattern recognition. The whole time, your team mates Jester and Spectre stand by idly. They are looking the other way. They clearly agree with you and will back you up should their be a military tribunal.

One time, I was killing all the guards around the perimeter of the insertion site. I sneak up on a terrorist who is taking a piss in the pushes, preparing to use the knife attack. Just as I am second away from plunging my bowie into his throat… BANGBANGBANG. Boomer unloads a clip into him. Or rather, AT him. He misses all but one shot, so the terrorist doubles over, fires from the hip, and alerts the whole base. I then unloaded 4 clips of sniper rifle bullets throughout his entire body and then called in the helicopter strike in hopes that somehow that would kill him permanently.

Of course, even if you kill him, he's back for the next mission. Just a flesh wound apparently. I guess a half dozen hollow points to the head means NOTHING. Neither does leaving his body in the cave with the god damn nuclear weapons. The ****er is a god damn Phoenix. Except he is some sort of mentally handicapped Phoenix. Like, a Phoenix that thinks it is a rooster. And then goes around in hunting season crowing. And of course, when he’s reborn, you have to waste MORE ammo and kill him again. Sure, it’s only one bullet, but if you’ve played SOCOM you know how if you decided to pack the extra grenades instead of that second pack of ammo you can run out pretty fast. Obviously, you always use your pistol, because you don't want to waste your sniper rifle or assault rifle ammo. One shot to the dome.

Of course, the true irony of this is that while Boomer’s will often claim he “had to open fire”, and shoot at guys a half mile away, he’ll manage to refrain from shooting at the guy who comes up behind me and puts a desert eagle round in the back of my head as I lie on the ground. I once died and as the camera panned up I could see Boomer sitting behind a rock, looking the other way, then firing on a terrorist in the next time zone.

Then in SOCOM 2, you hear Boomer was "killed in a friendly fire accident" which is good, because even if you couldn't do it, SOMEBODY finished the damn job.I’d like to meet that man and buy him a pint, because he did what thousands of Americans could now.

This time, if you shoot your partner, the rest of the team kills you. But I mean, that makes sense, you’d have to be an idiot to shoot this guy. He can actually listen. In fact, he owns ****. You give that ****er a silenced weapon and And his name is Jester. Which is kinda of like Joker. And I mean, the ****ing Joker kicks ass, much like your squad mate. Plus, since you (Spectre) and Joker were promoted, you get new partners, Wardog and Vandal, and they owned **** too. Just give them rifles, say “attack to delta” and they will exterminate everything along the way. The one downside was your team was TOO good, and it took some of the challenge out on lower difficulty levels.

Damn, Boomers pisses me off. And this guy was like him, so he was really lame. But he got shot like Boomer eventually (though all too late to let me get through that level in any reasonable amount of time). Karma brings him to #10

9. Mikhail Necrophilivich
It is the climax of the movie, at the Goldeneye facility in Cuba. Bond and Natalya have just escaped amidst a huge explosion.

Up on the edge of the satellite dish, the elevator stops at a tower. A guard watches the doors open...revealing Natalia laying on the floor, her back to us. The guard approaches her and...Bond drops down from the ceiling of the elevator. He slams the guard into the metal walls.

Let's be honest. That Russian guy is out in the backwaters of Cuba, standing outside guarding a satelite dish that doubles as a swimming pool. For one, you know the dude has malaria. That dish/pool/lake is not fed by streams, it is standing water, and standing water means mosquitos, and it's ****ing Cuba. Hell, it's hot too, and this is clearly a Russian guy well trained in Northern tundras! And here he is, wearing a heavy uniform, he must be boiling alive. Imagine how much it must suck for a Russian guy to be in this hot as hell place, being eaten alive by mosquitos, standing in the edge of a jungle guarding a place few people know to exist from an enemy who doesn't know it exists (in theory). So not only is his job seemingly meaningless, but he's ridiculously uncomfortable.

So he's got a boring, lonely, miserable life. The location is secluded, so there are not too many people around to meet up with. Add on that he's working all day, and you know he has had no luck with the ladies. He's probably thinking to himself "Damn, I wish I were home in St. Petersburg right now. I'd give ANYTHING for a nice Russian woman. And some vodka. Perhaps some sort of female representative from Stolichnaya Vodka. Hell, at this point, I don't care if she's old or ugly, I have blue balls so big their gravitational fields are pulling my head towards them, and I have to give a nonstop effort to prevent myself ending up in an autoerotic fellatio position. It's especially bad because this is Cuba, so they're not even shrinking down to a manageable size from the cold. Hell, I'd do a dead chick right now..."

Suddenly, a Russian girl (and he knows this, because Russians all have a psychic connection... or at least frozen blood, heavy clothing, and the scent of vodka) pops up.

I mean, it's like the answer to his prayers. FINALLY, something is going right. FINALLY, he won. Could this be the lone happiness in his life?

But he's wary... the Lord works in mysterious ways, and she might just be unconcious from alcohol poisoning. Except Russians can't get drunk or black out from alcohol (Their blood is just replaced with alcohol and they die before they feel any ill effects. Russian tolerance is a prime subject of experimentation for some prominent scientists in Switzerland. You may not know that the real use of the Large Hadron Collider is to test Russian tolerance levels. That makes it science. That's a true fact I just made up) As he does not stop to contemplate theoretical physics, he assumes she's dead.

So he's just about popped half a stalk when BAM whacked against the wall. Then he is smacked face first into the other wall, probably giving a nasty blow to his semi-erect genitals. His last thoughts as he falls unconcious to the floor were probably "DAMN YOU GOD. WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO? I WAS SO HOPING TO TAP THAT DEAD CHICK"

Speaking of necrophiles, I really couldn't get into that. I mean, I've had the image of people dead and naked ruin their hotness for me forever. I mean, remember Katie Holmes? Back before she dated Cocky (the eighth dwarf from the extended scenes of Snow White) and he brainwashed her so now she thinks she's a head of cabbage? At some point I turned on a movie and all I saw was her naked and dead. I could never think of her as attractive again after that. So the thought of banging somebody when they're dead just doesn't seem attractive to me, because she'd seem uglier, and she wouldn't have much of a personality, so you'd have to be REALLLLLLY drunk to do it, and since I'd die if I drank (which would be inconvenient for attempting to have sexual intercourse with somebody who won't reciprocate) it just doesn't grab me that much.

Stephen Lynch's necrophilia song isn't even that great IMO.

I also worry about like... if she was tight before, and there was no lube (dead bodies = no blood flow = you can't use blood aka nature's lube), what if she got stuck. That'd be awkward. Just walking around, going to classes or work, with a naked dead chick hanging off your wang. It would be especially bad if you took fast acting natural male enhancement pills right beforehand. Imagine if you will, the creepy guy from those Enzyte commercials was a necrophile! Imagine all the ads exactly the same except he's skewering a dead chick. Wow, that would make those ads so much better. Just waving at the other guys at work with a corpse a good 7 feet in front of him.

Still, I wouldn't want to do it myself, as I would find it inconvenient to have a dead girl just hanging out my foehammer. I mean, you can't just cut off your wang, so until you had the proper tools, you'd just have to leave her there. Further, I expect it would be uncomfortable, and while the weight might "stretch you out a bit" (I hear they have wang weights, anybody wanna give me some info on that?) but you are risking long term damage. Plus, I mean, sitting at a desk? Trying to fit through a narrow doorway? Walking through a crowded hall? Trying to play guitar hero might be ok because you could rest the instruments on her, but it would make setting the drum set up a little problematic.

Know what would be horrible though? Furry necrophiles. That'd just be wrong. No further discussion necessary.

I don't want to end on that note, so I'll recommend you all my signature drink recipe for my bar!

"Axe Murderer" 0.5 oz Vodka 0.5 oz Rum 0.5 oz Gin 0.5 oz Tequila 0.5 oz Triple Sec 0.5 oz Amaretto 0.5 oz Southern Comfort 0.5 oz Pineapple juice Splash grenadine, shake well Splash of ginger ale Garnish with cherry flag (folded orange slice with cherry between edges + plastic cocktail sword)

If made properly, you can barely taste the alcohol. Most people will think it is a chick drink and get totally ****ed up.

So basically, this guy is #9. And on that note, I leave you with a picture

http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/605/48659703rq6.png

8. All Russian Pilots
INTRO: Bond runs down a runway, chasing a taxing plane, while being shot at by Russian soldiers. He manages to catch up with it, get in, fight the pilot, and have both of them fall to the ground, with the pilot being run over by a guy on a motorcycle. Bond then gets on the motorcycle, leaving roadkill pilot behind as he chases the helicopter.

CLIMAX: Alec and Bond are fighting. Alec's support gunship (helicopter) flies into view. Bond and Alec look up... OH NOES Natalia appears in the chopper and presses a gun in the pilot’s temple.

These two scenes taught me some valuable lessons. For one, apparently if you are fleeing from your enemies, it makes more sense to drive a motorcycle off a cliff without a parachute than to seek any other exit or... well, anything.

Also, that women can be useful every once in a while. At leaset in fiction.

But most importantly, I learned something that we did not cover in introductory genetics. Russian pilots apparently have no peripheral vision.

I found this fact interesting, I would have thought it would be up there with hemophilia as something to mention in introductory bio courses. I did some research, and it turns out that your average Russian has consumed so much vodka that the vitreous humor is 195 proof. Due to it's unique chemical properties, alcohol does NOT make for a very good replacement for the transparents gel that fills the eyes of normal people, leading to blurred vision, red eye, headaches, and in rare cases even blindless. Please talk to your doctor before using vodka as a replacement for bodily fluids.

This explains why pilots don't notice somebody running next to them, standing outside their door, or even IN THE BACK SEAT OF THEIR DAMN VEHICLE. Seriously, I don't know about you, but if I were driving a helicopter, I'd at least look in the back to check that **** is tied down. I don't want a helmet just falling out the side. It's standard preflight procedures. Sure, the guy behind you should have checked it all before he left, but you have to make sure anyways, because the guy before you is inevitably a douchebag and didn't fill the gas or check the tire pressure or unjam the port machines guns. What an ass. I hate that guy. Because after this movie he moved to America and decided to be my coworker so I need to restock everything ever. Luckily, I was able to convince the government that he was a terrorist sympathizer and he got carted off. Hope you enjoy the waterboarding, *******! Bet you're regretting your failure to refill the ice bucket at the end of your shift!

Also... seriously, why does nobody in any movie ever lock the doors of their vehicles. This isn't just flight 101, it's driving 101. Especially if you're in a vehicle that can turn upside down. I mean, if I did a barrel roll, and my straps failed, I wouldn't want to fall against the door and have it open! That'd really suck. You're just chilling out, decide to have some fun, next thing you know you fall 3000 feet and die. Or even worse, you're with your friend and he's a douche and wants to try to make you puke because he's a pilot but he forgot to lock the doors so he falls out and now you're strapped into a plummeting aircraft alone, not knowing how to fly, pissing yourself and frantically searching for the "in case of emergency" brochures you remember from being on an airliner. Then it turns out Tyler Durden and the Space Monkies switched them out with ones of the plane going down in flames and now you're scared EXTRA ****less, but it's okay because you're going to pass out from the G-forces soon and you'll barely feel a thing before you are splattered all over like your excrement after Taco Bell.

So people, why don't you all save yourself the trouble of being Taco Bell'd and start locking your damn doors. I don't even know if you CAN lock plane doors, but you SHOULD be able to.

Either way, what matters its these pilots were memorable (thus in the top 10), but stupid. So instead of pilots, this post is now going to be about wingmen.

James Bond would make a horrible wingman. You have two girls, you extract them from the set, you get your buddy James to come in so you can isolate... all of a sudden they're both banging him. That'd be lame. You'd be doing all the right stuff, DHV, etc, you've managed to get TWO hot chicks (you're with ****ing 007, the coolness rubs off) interested in you, and then Sean Connery comes in and says "Nice-sh shoes, letsh ****" and since it's in a Scottish accent they'll go for him right off the bat and you're left in blue ball valley.

On the other hand, if necrophile guy from above was your wingman, he'd probably knock her unconcious and start sexing her up. Which'd be pretty creepy. Kinda hard to explain to the other girl. So he'd ****block you as well. I can imagine the conversation there. "Um... so... is he always like this?" "Oh, not always. Usually he's completely celibate. Also, he usually prefers that they already be down and out, but he's willing to help out a friend" "That's... nice" "Yeah, so, hey, did you ever play the TMNT videogame?" "TMNT? I LOVED TMNT!" "Really? Want to go play for a bit and have sex" "SURE!" Lesson: Chicks did the turtles

Pilots would also probably suck, as they'd start hitting on the bartender by accident and not notice the girl coming up behind them with the mace.

I guess Mr. Triggerhappy would work. I mean, he's probably a premature ejaculator, but that wouldn't pop up til later, so it probably wouldn't be an issue early on.

That'd be a great show though. If they did that pickup artist show on VH1 except with James Bond villains. Going out clubbing with Oddjob, Jaws, Bloefeld, Baron Samedi... "Hey baby, how bout you and I grab some drinks and then I'll show you my third nipple back in my secret subterranean lair?" Jaws is clearly the strong silent type...

If these pilots had had wingmen, preferably ones with peripheral vision, maybe they would have placed higher on the list.

Side note: Imagine having Jack Bauer as your wingman Me-"Hey Jack, this is Cassidy and this is Michelle" Jack-"*attacking Cassidy* WHERE IS THE BOMB!?!?!?!? *shoots in leg* Cassidy- "I don't know *crying*" * ten minutes later* Cassidy - "The bomb is in Air Force One, the target is the US President!" Jack - "Michael! Get a team over there NOW! Chloe, upload the schematics of the building, the fastest route their, and naked pictures of the President's wife to my PDA NOW!" Chloe- "But I can't..." Jack-"DAMNIT CHLOE" Chloe -"Ok, it's all there" Jack - "Ok, I got one commercial break to bang this other chick... " Me - "...God damnit" 11:59:58 11:59:59 12:00:00

Tune in next time on Alec's Top 10 Goldeneye Villains List...

7. The Train Condutor
THIS TOPIC SUCKS AND IS NOW ABOUT TRAINS

Alec: Full speed! Conductor: (Russian) What? Alec: Full speed!! Ram him! * the conductor sounds a whistle*

The train conductor was all like "What?" and then rammed the tank and got blown up. That's the entirety of his role.

Little known fact: this guy was a lot like the sword guy in "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark". You know, that sword guy who practiced for DAYS, choreographing the fight scene, getting into peak physical form and wearing robes all day in the desert... then Harrison Ford is tired so he just shot him. In the end, the guy was way more memorable but it really sucked to be him. Or even Jason Lee, who had all of his good lines cut out of Dogma.

Well, the train conductor originally was a major character in the original script. It was given to an up and coming actor who was getting his final shot at a big break. In the original film, he was everywhere. He ran the train out to Severnaya that carried Oururmov and Xenia out to kill people, he brought Bond to the statue park, he ran the St. Petersburg train, he had a finale scene in Cuba complete with 5 minute monologue that was actually very reminiscent of Shakespearean tragedies and which many thought had the potential to be an academy award winning scene. But then they cast the helicopter, and they thought "people like helicopters more than trains" because they were stupid and had no idea what their viewers wanted. They tried to keep him in anyways, but his scenes just seemed silly without a train. Preliminary audiences were like "This movie is cool but what was that conductor doing just sitting around in a junkyard for?". So they cut his role down to that one scene, and while he was awesome he did not get the breakout performance that he had hoped, and he was forced to return to Philly to work as a pizza delivery guy, at which point he spiraled into depression and alcoholism. The final years of his life were characterized by misery, sorrow and regret. And cheap vodka.

But enough failure. Let's talk about something that was almost the antithesis of failure... Thomas the Tank Engine.

Holy *** Thomas kicked ass. He was just like "I'm a big hot blue piece of awesome." Him and Edward and Henry and Gordon and James and mother ****ing Percy. And Ringo Starr, George Carlin, and Alec Baldwin were all on it. Ringo ****ing Starr? George RIP Carlin? Think how badass Thomas is that George Carlin played second fiddle to him.

Know who is set to be the narrator next season? Pierce Brosnan. See that? Pierce Brosnan. That makes this writeup not only legitimate, but ESPECIALLY relevantly legitimate. Funny story behind this connection, Brosnan and Thomas met after Thomas went to the Goldeneye premiere to see his little cousin who was playing the train, and he and Brosnan hit it off right away, so Thomas pulled some strings to get Brosnan a job many years later.

But just because Thomas was a nice guy to Brosnan, don't think he's all soft and cuddly. Because he's a train and they're made of metal. The guy is pure steel. So nobody better talk **** about Thomas, or he'll pop right off those tracks, break into your house and own you in the face. Because Thomas is gangsta like that. One time, this guy was like "Thomas sucks" on an internet forum and he woke up the next morning with his body severed by a locomotive.

Also, it is important to note: Holy **** Thomas is a pimp. Emily, Daisy, Rosie? He tapped all of them. While Edward, Gordon, Percy and company were just trying to get work done, Thomas was sampling what the railway had to offer.

I heard back in the 90s, Thomas coupled up with this coal car (Thomas went for vehicles of all races) and afterwards she couldn't roll straight for a week. She wanted it to get serious, but he was like "Hell no, you're just booty call number 7" and she got all angry and got all up in his grille with "I thought we had something together!" and he ignored her and she kept calling him at nasty hours and finally she made a scene in public at the train yard and he pimp slapped her right off the tracks. ***** shoulda known, you don't disrespect Thomas the Pimp Engine in public.

So, in conclusion, train rule, Thomas is a pimp, the train conductor got screwed over, and I've finally had a rewrite that I feel was a decent improvement on the first.

6. Sergeant Petya Poopenko
A soldier walks into the bathroom with a newspaper and selects a stall. Cut to view from above as silhouetted figure takes the grate out of the vent. Cut to the Soviet again, reading newspaper... pulls it back to reveal James Bond-"Beg your pardon, forgot to knock" 007 knocks out the Soviet and slips down.

Everybody remembers this scene. Much like Jaws made people afraid to go in the water, this made people afraid to "go" in the water.

Like toilet bowl water. Keep up the pace people.

I mean, what happens if you get knocked out mid-poop? Do muscles contract or relax? Do you end up on the floor in a pool of your own urine and feces? That would kind of suck. I mean, I'd hope the secret agent would have the decency to at least prop you up on the toilet so you aren't sprawled underneath several stalls, pants open, covered in ****. That'd be good for him too, he doesn't want to be caught. But the guy had a copy of Pravda (Soviet newspaper). What if somebody was waiting for him to come back with the newspaper to see the sports section? Check out how the hockey team was doing or something. Or the funnies! I took Russian for two years and never ready the funny pages... I wonder who the most popular characters are there. I'm willing to bet that bears are involved. And vodka. Either way, guy goes looking for his paper, finds his friend passed out in his own excrement... that could be awkward. I wonder if he'd still take the sports section if it were drenched in pee. Would he try to wash it off? Wait a while?

In light of the uncomfortableness of being found, this movie I led me to change my bathroom habits. I tried to hold it in as much as possible for years... minimize my bathroom visits to at most one per day. Before going to the bathroom, I checked all the vents, windows, cabinets, closets, mirrors, locks, and trashcans before I got started. The bathroom is a sacred place. It's like a church. You're not supposed to attack people in a church, and you're not supposed to be attacked in a bathroom. God would be personally offended and strike down my assailant, but I'd already be unconcious. I can't wait for divine intervention, so I have to be prepared because I refuse to be attacked in my one place of respite.

And so this is not just one long poop joke...

Anybody ever see Remington Steele, the show Brosnan was in before he became Bond? It's always weird to see people in new movies that you remember from old shows (or new shows and old movies). For example, when I first saw Locke on Lost, I was like "HOLY **** THE GUY FROM THE ROCKETEER". Damn, that was an awesome movie as far as ****py little movies go. It had mobsters, it had nazis, it had blimps and it had jet packs. What more do you need? Then I was watching that, I saw Alan Arkin and was like "HOLY **** THE GUY FROM THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING". Damn, now there's a movie not enough people have seen, though lots of people wouldn't get. "Egermency, egermancy, everybody is to get from strits". Classic. You people who don't recognize that are BAD people and should be ashamed of yourselves. Along the lines of those "hey, that dude from that thing" moments, this movie had a ton "Hey, X-men chick" "Hey, that GUY from x-men" "Hey, that guy from sharpe" "Hey, it's Hagrid"

I wonder if the toilet guy was in any other movies. I just IMDB'd him, and he's not even listed. Too bad, I bet he could parlay that into toilet scenes in many other movies. Do you think he tries to get directors to watch his bathroom scene to appreciate his acting? Does some superagent go up to Spielberg or Cameron or Polanski or some random backroom pr0n-maker, and say "Hey, I read your script, and I have the PERFECT guy to be sitting on the toilet" "Does he have any experience in the field?" "Hell yes! He was the bathroom guy in a Bond film!" "Alright, I'll check him out, can I see some videos of his work?" (Afterwards) "Damn, that guy is awesome! He'd be great in my film!" Because I really hope that that is how Hollywood works.

5 down, 5 to go!

Honorable Mentions
Dmitri

Don't think he counts as a villain, but he is still made of win.

Valentin: He wants me to do HIM a favor!! My knee aches every single day, twice as bad when it is cold. Do you have any idea how long the winter lasts in this country? Tell him Dimitri... Dimitri: Well, it depends... Valentin: Silence!!!!

Exactly.