Nio builds a harem. A truly bad fanfic

Bored Nio was bored. Bored Nio wants epop. Bored Nio writes fanfic

Author's Note
AN: Nio basically confessed to a lot of people... but Nio doesn't want to be like those jerks in Anime and random high school dramas and leave them hanging after epically confessing to them.. Thus! Nio wants to keep all of them.. and what better way to keep all of them, and love them equally, than by keeping a harem (well, there's polygamy, but weddings are expensive).

So, expect terrible grammar, punctuation and English, as Nio... catches them all.

Story
-Chapter 1-

One day, Nio found herself being... unlazy. She found this to be.... weird, as Nio is the very definition of the word lazy. Nio was shocked that she had.. SPIRIT and VIGOUR, and with these two combined.. she felt like DOING.... SOMETHING.

Nio was... shocked by this.. sudden want to do.. something. Nio was so shocked, she accidentally bumped into a frying pan filled with hot oil, which flew into the air, burning a well placed fly which flew round and round until it met it's untimely death when it toppled a huge figurine of Zero from the Megaman series onto Nio's remote control. The TV suddenly switched on, making Nio jump, and the first thing she thought of was... "GHOSTS! EEEE!!! COOLIES! I'M LIKE IN IRL GHOST TRICK!".

The TV showed nothing important, but what caught Nio's eyes was a tiny commercial showing dancing ladies promoting spatulas. She heard the ladies sing "Buy this spatula and look at our boobsNiorapth" but it was then that she heard it.. those... evil subliminal messages the government sometimes sneak in to make people spend money to stabilize the economy.

"Nio... build a harem. A harem filled with love, rainbow, ponies, sunshine and sparkles".

Nio couldn't believe it! Finally! A chance to use all the skills she had been gathering by watching cooking shows. A chance to build her very own harem!

So, with a trolley of random junk and costumes, Nio sets out to make the loveliest harem the world has ever seen.

---

After 3 seconds of walking out of her house, Nio suddenly finds herself magically transported to The US. Great. Now Nio is lost because she only has a map of Malaysia and Singapore. However, she is soon confronted by a shady looking person.

"Hey, how old are you, you tiny person you. You must be really young", says the creepy person. He literally has soft toys wrapped around his body, and a trail of children following him.

Nio decided... this man, creepy as he is... needs to be in Nio's lovely harem. So, Nio decided to use Secret Harem GET! Technique #12 - Deceive the target into loving you. Thus, Nio raised Nio's voice 2 octaves higher, and replied "I.. might be too old for you... but my voice is eternally young.. You can love me without looking at me... but... I do love you... even though you probably only love my voice".

"Intriguing. Alas, I already have a girlfriend... but, I shall tag along, because a daily dose of your voice will keep me... sane"

Nio wasn't sure if this was "HAREM MEMBER GET!" or not... Ah well, at least Nio had someone in her party! Even if he was a creepy guy who likes young things....

-Chapter 2-

"Hey, creepy guy who lures children towards him who probably has a young girlfrien-"

"....It's SantaRPG"

"Whatever. I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now... but I feel like I must... at least until I find someone new to expand my harem".

Suddenly, as soon as Nio said that, Nio stopped dead in her tracks, causing SantaRPG to suddenly stop and trip backwards, crushing the trail of children following behind him like a pile of dominoes. SantaRPG was at first bewildered by this development, but smiled in glee as he started 'helping' the children to their feet.

Nio continued staring at the ... disturbing specimen before her... It was reeking the stench of blood and the colour pink, and was wearing a sailor style school uniform with a waaaaaay too short skirt. The specimen was emanating an aura of niceness... but Nio knew that behind that... nice, lay an evil, grouchy, scary, dark and uh... eeeeevil presence.

Nio wants to HAREM MEMBER GET! this... specimen... but Nio was... scared... So scared that it took Nio two posts to realise that she has started to talk like Cloud... Strife. The specimen turned slowly towards Nio.... Nio started squeaking.

"Why hello there. Don't be scared. I'm LiselTestify, but you can call me... Lisel. I am an evil mastermin- Oops, I mean ELEGANT person, and I like to bully- I mean betray- I mean believe in people. I also like to be grouchy- I mean generous with my positive energy~ Oh, and I'm witty too~".

With such a statement, Nio felt as if Nio could really REALLY trust this person. All thoughts of Lisel's evil aura disappears as soon as Nio got to know the true Lisel. Lisel started to smile a HUGE smile of niceness, complete with a Tyra Banks 'smize' (tl note: smiling with your eyes). Nio smiled back while pondering why Lisel has evil fang teeth like Edward Cullen, or why Lisel's eyes were starting to look like an evil mastermind, kinda like Dr Wily.

Either way.... HAREM MEMBER GET!

.....

....

...

"Excellent... with this, my plan for world domination by sheer evil is working.... I mean... TEE HEE~".

---

Somewhere in the midst of all this, SantaRPG is trying to collect another brood of children... Maybe Nio can learn a thing or two about building her harem from him....

-Chapter 3-

It was another fine morning when Lisel and co started skipping along merrily while looking for new members to add to Nio's party. Lisel and co (well, you see, Lisel has managed to somehow take control of this fic), then decides to have an insightful conversation.

"So.. Nio, do you like sharks?", asks Lisel sweetly, yet evilly.

Before Nio could answer, SantaRPG manages to quickly quip in his very deep and meaningful reply. "Sharks... sharks are awesome. They attract SMALL and TINY schools of fish, which cling on the shark, like these children who are clinging to m-"

"YES LISEL!", screams Nio, not wanting SantaRPG to continue. "I LIKE ALL SHARKS! BUT.. I HATE LOAN SHARKS THE MOST!!!".

Like a scary coincidence, the party of 3 (plus a few children from SantaRPG's brood) spotted a scary sight indeed....

"No... NO! I WILL NOT READ YOUR FANFIC!!!!", a screaming individual screamed. That individual is so shiny and radiant, he is almost like a famous... ICON. So iconic, in fact, most people have forgotten his name, and simply referred to him as ...ICON (source: E!News, as reported by Giuliana Rancic).

Upon staring at the man bullying ICON, Lisel started cringing, sweating and ... somethinging. "Nio... avoid that.. that foul man... He goes by the name of Achromatic, though his real identity is... Sir Chris... a knight of the 6 or something nations... He fancies himself a knight, but is really a.... NINJA. But worst of all... he is a ..LOAN SHARK".

"Yes, a terrible loan shark... So terrible, he's scaring my children away", says SantaRPG while hissing.

Nio, wanting to be a hero, because it was obvious that Sir Chris was harassing Icon, charges towards the two of them. She backhands Sir Chris with a twig, while attempting to save Icon. However, Icon is too iconic a person, and spontaneously saves himself. It is at this moment, Sir Chris opens his mouth to spea-

"Oh my Konoha! I have been hit with a Twig-no-Jutsu! This must be the work of a Mori-no-Ninja from that village called-"

"No!", screams Lisel, evil as can be without appearing to be evil. "That is just a normal twig!".

Hearing that voice, Sir Chris turns his head epically and stares into Lisel's very soul.

"YOU! Have you forgotten your... deal? The deal we made.... where you would read my fanfic? Well, no matter, even without you reading it, I have still managed to best you in life.... It is now time that you meet your... DOOM!"

Lisel smiles evilly. It seems there is an underlying evil plot swirling in Lisel's head, but this plot point would be revealed later or never, depending on the plot. Then, Sir Chris turns to Nio.

"You!!! You also owe me a read of my fanfic! Have you forgotten... Airplan-"

"AEROPLANES!"

"Whatever. The point is, Nio, a person I have just met in this fic but I suddenly know because of lame plot exposition, YOU have to read my fic.", screams Sir Chris.

A loud yell of NOOOOOOO erupts from Nio's stomach.

Icon was going to say something, but he was too busy being iconic. Thus, he just stood there, posing, and being 'awesome'. It was at this moment, while still screaming, that Nio was like ".... I have no idea why, but I MUST add Icon to my harem! ICON! JOIN MY HAREM!!!". Icon then decided that this harem has the potential to make him more iconic than ever, and thus agrees... So...

NIO HAREM MEMBER GET!

After grabbing Icon, Nio and co was going to run for it, leaving Sir Chris behind... but he somehow manages to tag along stealthily like a ninja, pestering everyone to read his fanfic...

DARN!

-Chapter 4-


 * trip*

"Oh! I have been tripped by a Rock-no-Jutsu! This must be the job of...", mutters Sir Chris to no one in particular, but actually wants everyone to hear him. Unknown to him but known to SantaRPG, SantaRPG's children have now abandoned SantaRPG for Sir Chris, finding his Naruto-isms more relevant to them than... whatever it is SantaRPG does.

Lisel and Lisel's party are clearly not amused. This particularly bothers Icon, as he is uniconic enough to capture the attention of children. It also bothers Lisel, but Lisel is evil mastermindly enough not to let is show. Lisel's presence is so hidden and yet strong, that Lisel has taken over Nio's harem without Nio knowing. Lisel let's Nio believe Nio is in control, but is secretly controlling Nio's every move.

Icon wants to be more useful, so Icon decides to look for new harem members. THUS! WITH ICONIC ICONALITY, ICON SETS OFF INTO THE SETTING SUN ICONICALLY IN ALL CAPS. Well, for a few seconds only really, because his iconic iconicness manages to capture two users. However, Nio being Nio, wanting to play THE GAME as fair as she can, lets the two users go, because she has to catch them herself (this action of course displeases Lisel, as it is not evil, and Lisel always twists the rules because of corruption).

After letting the captured users run for about 0.023seconds, Nio manages to recapture one of them using a butterfly net. This user was emanating a waft of evilness, so evil that it made Lisel disgusted, because it wasn't the refined kind of evil Lisel was used to. Sir Chris was also disgusted, as he started ranting, much to the delight of SantaRPG's children.

"A YAMI NO CHIKARA IS EMANATING FROM THIS JAAKU NO SHINOBI IN TIGHTS! WE MUST USE THE RASENGA-"

"Shut up Sir Chris!", hisses SantaRPG. It was then, SantaRPG notices how... young... this user is. SantaRPG is

...PLEASED.

"Hey there, young user, who is young, and wearing tights and a tunic, what is your name? Don't be scared, all these other people might be untrustworthy, but I, SantaRPG, am a trusted adult, so you should totally trust me".

The user fidgets slightly before replying in a evil, bad, terrible yet strangely endearing way (to SantaRPG at least). "My name is Dark Young Link, but... you can call me DYL. I think I am terrible....".

Icon is not amused. This user seems to be latching himself to SantaRPG (or vice versa), whereas Icon was the one who had captured him in the first place. This is madness... THIS.IS.SPART....THE U.S.! Then, Icon decides to use... LOGIC to get this user on his side. If NIO == HAREM MEMBER GET, and ICON > NIO, and DYL < NIO, that makes ICON > NIO > DYL, and ICON > DYL.

What splendid logic! Thus, using his iconic iconicness behind Lisel's back, Icon somehow manages to make Nio pry away DYL from SantaRPG to... HAREM MEMBER GET. Of course, the addition of this new member delights Sir Chris, as he can now get this person to read his fanfic. Icon then began to formulate his plan to iconically take over Nio's harem, which, unknown to him, has already been taken over by Lisel. SantaRPG of course, is just delighted to have more young blood in the party.

---

DYL was trying to be useful, so he took out his Wiimote (A/N: not that this is a metaphor for something or anything. I meant it literally). He swings it round and round to execute the spin attack, cutting down unnamed, unpopular users unfit to be in Nio's harem. DYL also chopped off a couple of policemen, the ones attempting to arrest this party of people for jaywalking at least. So evil... this still displeases Lisel, as Lisel thinks brainwashing the policemen into becoming Lisel's slaves is the better option (and classier too).

The party then reaches a generic corner filled with boxes... where they meeeeeeeeeeeet

a..... HOBO?

-Chapter 5-

The hobo was panting and breathing quite heavily, as if he just ran after being caught by an iconic man, who had to let him go because of LOLPLOT. Nio, having never seen a hobo from North America, stares at the hobo in awe, with sparkles flying everywhere. A hobo... wow. While this is happening, Lisel and DYL are insightfully arguing about evil acts. Lisel thinks it is evil-er to brainwash hobos to become slaves of Lisel's evil- umm NICE empire. DYL thinks it is evil-er to just ... kill them all by slashy whashy.

SantaRPG, who has somehow become the main focus of this story, decides to totally ignore the hobo because the hobo wasn't relevant to his interests. Icon however, wanted to assist Nio in getting this hobo into her harem, and develops an iconic plan to weaken this hobo before letting Nio deal the final HAREM MEMBER GET. His plan is simple enough.


 * grabs*

"Unhand me you filthy kira-kira no hito", screams Sir Chris, as Icon lifts him up, and hurls him towards the hobo.

"RASENGAN!", yells Sir Chris, proud to have become a human throwing star.

The hobo, hearing Sir Chris' scary shout, elegantly sidesteps... into Sir Chris. The hobo and Sir Chris then flies 3km to the South due to the force of impact. This shocks Icon, as he is very sure that the hobo should have evaded such an easy attack. You see, Icon's elaborate plan was to toss Sir Chris as a distraction, then create a chain of puppies in skirts, which would distract the animal police, who would then be too distracted to notice that pigeons-

"Itai! Kisama Icon! Why did you throw me towards this kuso no hobo?!" asks Sir Chris. The hobo, now out of his stupor no thanks to being hit by Sir Chris, decides to speak.

"I hear Engrish. I bet I must've landed in Japan after being hit by that Japanese man. But whatever it is, I feel that I must say out my name for no reason, and it is blindhobo13", says the hobo, who is now known as blindhobo13.

"But blindhobo13, can't you see? We are still in The U.S.A, and that is clearly not a Japanese man", says Icon, who just HAD to say something.

"Uh, good sir, can't you tell? Imma blindhobo13. BLINDhobo. I can't see."

"Like, no way~", says Lisel in that tone which was like how high school girls would go like.. 'OBVIOUSLY', who had actually been paying attention despite arguing with DYL. Icon, feeling embarrassed, hides himself under Sir Chris' cloak, because a good ninja always carries one.

"COOLIES~ AN AMERICAN HOBO! Mr. Hobo, do you want to join my harem?", suddenly asks Nio, trying to derail this just like how SantaRPG derailed Nio's epic confession topic. blindhobo13 gave a long thought about this, as long as A to Z on the keyboard.

"Ok, I shall join this 'harem' thing of yours. But only because I feel that I must. Besides, I am also on a journey... to discover why I have the number 13 in my name. What better way to do that, than to join a party of people going around the world doing stuff, like in an RPG. Somehow, I have a feeling that this number is related to someone's past, or is a codename in some evil organization, or is the number of someone's favourite game or something... but it will be revealed... maybe. Unless this is one of those RPGs where various plotholes aren't addressed ...", rants blindhobo13.

Nio was confused for a while, since there is a small wall of text, and she hasn't seen one in dialog form so far, but ... HAREM MEMBER GET!

---

"Guys, I don't drink", whines Nio, because girls whine.

"Nio, your whining reminds me of wine, and wine is alcoholic, and alcohol is good. Now, because we all want to be alphas despite being under your control, we need to go drink!", says DYL.

So they head off to a tavern, because bars aren't classy.

-Chapter 6-

The party enters a tavern which is conveniently located 3 seconds away from where they are standing. They head to the tavern, which was named pretty much "TAVERN", just like in random RPGs, because those games are really creative.

Nio, using her generic gaming skills, first checks the News boards pasted near the entrance, to the astonishment of the harem members. "What? All taverns have sidequests on the news boards, right?", says Nio. "Oh look! 'Donation needed for the Dancing with Old Ladies Competition'! This seems like a simple Level One quest!".

"Uh, Nio, taverns don't work that way. It's not as if there's gonna be a quest to go and grab a new harem member or anyth-", says DYL, who is actually too young to even KNOW how taverns work, before being interrupted by-

"Why are we in a tavern instead of a Ramen-stand? My ninja-jiisan-sensei will never forgive me for coming here! Forgive me Konoha!", yells the obvious.

"OH! LOOKIE!!! 'Tavern guy looking for a harem to join'! I SHALL ACCEPT THIS QUEST!!!", yells Nio while ripping the quest detail thingy off the board.

"Nio, as the 2nd runner up in UOTY, and thus having more power than your 100 rank, I'd advise you to read the fine print before accepting this ques-"

"This quest has nothing to do with children. Drop it"

"Not evil- I mean nice enough"

"Oh, ye av' accepted that quest. I be the tavern owner, since ya can't call me a barkeep' or a sommelier ", says the tavern owner, in a terribly mangled olde English accent because the author sucks at it. "Now, since ye be in a tavern, ye guys must drink something... What'll it be?"

"Iconic beer" "Nihonjin no biiru" "Evil- I mean elegant and classy tea" "Something fizzy and non alcoholic because I am underaged" "Something kids like because I want to share it with them after mixing it with this powder of happiness" "Something which is designed to be friendly towards blind users" "Milk please"

"Milk, Nio? How unmanly", snorts Icon, iconically. Nio ignores that remark, because only true Alphas like Ramza Beoulve can enter badass bars/taverns and order milk.

"So", says the tavern keeper, "ye be lookin' for a harem member, eh?"

"That's right", answers Sir Chris. "Though I don't understand why, since I can just use my harem no juts-"

"Shut up Sir Chris. We need this harem to find out why I'm a blindhobo with the number 13"

"I thought we were doing this for the sparkles?"

"We're clearly doing this for Epop", says Icon.

"Well, that's mighty interestin'. Now, ya'll owe me USD 250 for them drinks", announces the tavern owner

"Do you accept Ringgit or credit cards?"

"What currency is that? And this be a tavern, not a high class bar. No credit cards here"

Nio starts fidgeting. Surely her harem members can pay for the drinks, right? Well, Icon started to hiding iconically, Lisel's too busy being too elegant to care, Sir Chris suddenly hides himself behind a cloak, and the rest are pretending to be SantaRPG's children, and are thus too underaged to pay.

"Well, if ye can't pay, then I'll follow ye aroun' till ye have the money to pay. That is how it works in those godfangled RPGs even though it is technically bad for me business. And I'll follow ya even if ya don't want me."

"Well, I didn't want SantaRPG and Sir Chris in my harem, so, you can just annoy me"

"Aye. I be VintageGin. Nice to meet ya, bad customers"

HAREM MEMBER GET!

-Chapter 7-

"Hey, Gin Rummy"

"I told you, my name is VintageGin"

"But Gin Rummy is the only gin I know"

VintageGin starts facepalming as he tries to educate Nio on the intricacies of the world of alcohol. Meanwhile, Sir Chris was getting bored of being ignored by virtually... everyone.

"One day, I will find someone... someone who shares my passion of Naruto. Someone who understands me, and loves me for who I am. My soulmate, my friend, my... important person who I will mamoru. My koi. My..."

Little did he know, that his wishes are going to come true.

-Chapter 8-

"Argh, this is low quality! How can anyone be so unfaithful to the source material! The characterization is sooo off! Like totally OOC. The plot is also OTT! What is this?", dramatizes a voice in the distance.

In the distance, a guy wearing fancy shoes, with shoes hanging around him like those grenade and ammo packs Rambo carries around, is reading a scroll while complaining to no one in particular. That guy is also dressed like a ninja, similar to Sir Chris, except less tacky, and more functional... except for the shoe ammo.

The terrible fashion totally offends Nio, and thus, she considers rejecting him from the Harem Membership. However, the sight in front of her make her totally change her mind.

Sir Chris, who is practically squealing in glee, has found out that the scroll the mysterious shoe guy was reading is in fact a copy of his fanfic. Sir Chris then continuously begs the shoe guy for his opinions, to which the guy grudgingly gives. What is amazing is that both of these guys seem to love this... "Naruto" thing they keep repeating....

VintageGin, being the new guy in the party, is shocked by Sir Chris'... exotic language. Hearing words like "Kami, Konoha, Chidori" and etc, makes VintageGin confused as to whether the gentlemen in front of him were from this planet. blindhobo13, understanding VintageGin's confusion, explains to him that Sir Chris is an immigrant from Japan. Icon wants to join in the conversation, because he is Icon... but stumbles to say anything important.

Lisel however, seeing an excellent trolling opportunity, nudges DYL to do something evil. After whispering and then not taking credit for the plan, as Lisel wants to avoid all suspicions behind Lisel's eventual heel face turn or total harem domination, Lisel manages to manipulate DYL into attacking Sir Chris. DYL, of course, launches a spin attack.

The attack launches Sir Chris into the air, makes him land on top of the guy in a totally badass position, kinda like how Snooki did the cartwheel pin thingy in WWE. Sir Chris then looks into the stranger's eyes, and then feels a strong connection... Slowly, but surely, he falls in lov- (...wait... what do you mean this isn't a sappy romance novel? OH FINE)

Slowly but surely, Sir Chris gets off the stranger's body. The stranger starts to dust off his body as he gets up on his feet.. when he notices something...

"MY SHOES! MY BEAUTIFUL SHOES! THEY ARE RUINED! You... HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MY SHOES!?!", yells the stranger.

Sir Chris is dumbfounded, and could only mutter a "Oh my konoha, what have watashi-sama done"?"

The stranger, clearly angry, suddenly climbs atop a random stage which appears out of nowhere.

"I... SHOENIN_KAKASHI, VOW TO EXACT VENGEANCE UPON .. THAT... THAT FAKE NARUTO FAN... BECAUSE A TRUE FAN, WILL NEVER... EVER.... RUIN.... MY SHOES"

"Fake?! How DARE you call atashi a fake?! ANATA ARE THE FAKE! Not using the proper words for the power- I mean chikaras. How can you call yourself a fan?!"

Lisel glee-ed in glee. Excellent. With Sir Chris and Shoenin_Kakashi at war with each other, Sir Chris will have no time to bother everyone with his fanfic, and thus forget about Lisel's debt with him. Yay.

DYL also glee-ed in glee.... For no reason other than seeing malice, hatred, and all those negative emotions seething out of the two ninja-like figures. He just loves his evil.

At this point, Nio doesn't care anymore, and chooses not to accept Shoenin_Kakashi into her harem officially. She does think that he is nice to have around, since he helps to keep Sir Chris at bay. The three people talking nothings also don't seem to mind, but in actuality, are too busy being engrossed in whatever they're talking about.

And... SantaRPG... well... He's just being SantaRPG.