Anagram rates every single episode of Pokemon with write-ups/Black & White

SNIVY PLAYS HARD TO CATCH!
"Cilan says..." Score: 3.5/10

The heroes stop for lunch in the forest, and Iris runs out into the trees to find some wild fruit because, and I did not know this, but apparently, in the dense forests of New York, you can find wild apples, pears, bananas, and some kind of... yellow thing. It's not a lemon. I don't know. Cilan, however, insists on turning them into fruit muffins and cakes before they eat them. Don’t worry, this isn’t important, it’s just here to pad out the episode.

A wild Snivy appears and steals some of their food, so Ash decides to catch it without bothering to weaken it first. Of course, it escapes and tries to runs off, but Ash, excited at the idea of catching a grass pokemon (because God knows he’s never caught one in the past), sends Pikachu to fight it because it's the second-to-worst possible choice and he feels like saving Oshawott for later. Snivy simply uses attract on Pikachu, and while Pikachu's confused, whips it good. I could make a joke, but honestly, I've really already covered basically every possible BDSM joke in this cartoon. Ash decides that a pokemon attacking another pokemon is far too much for his delicate constitution to watch, and interposes himself between Snivy and Pikachu, taking the attacks and impressing Snivy. Still, however, Snivy just runs off, but it proves to be so strong that Cilan suspects it once had a trainer but left him. I don’t know if this will come up in a later episode, but it doesn’t come up again in this one. Rather than cut off its escape like last time, Ash just sends out Pidove to track Snivy down because he’s kind of a lazy douchebag.

Team Rocket, in the area, gets more orders from Giovanni, and decide to catch more pokemon. Snivy shows up, so Jessie sends out Meowth. Snivy just kind of leaves. Significance of this scene? About two minutes. Does Team Rocket appear again? No.

Snivy looks up at the clouds longingly, thinking about Ash protecting Pikachu, and takes a nap in the most open area possible to ensure all potential predators can find it. Pidove spots it and brings Ash to it, so Oshawott frees itself from its pokeball and asks to battle Snivy. Snivy's not impressed and tries to leave again, so Ash... follows it again. Wow, gripping. Once again, Snivy uses attract on Ash’s pokemon and kicks its ass, and then leaves. So Ash follows it again by sending Pidove to track it. While following it, Ash and Pikachu get caught in some... deep mud or something, and they can't escape, so Iris and Cilan rescue him while Snivy watches, apparently otherwise ready to just let Ash die, I guess. Significance of this scene? About two minutes.

Ash has Pidove track down Snivy again, and this time Snivy is impressed with him for no reason and consents to another battle. Ash sends out Tepig, and Iris reminds Ash not to let Tepig get hit by attract. Ash tells her that he already knows that then immediately lets Tepig get hit by attract. He recalls it, and then finally decides to send in Pidove. Snivy finds, to its surprise, that Pidove is immune to its attract because it's a chick (HURR DURR DURR) - and not of the Zoey variety. There actually is a rare legitimately funny moment here where Cilan compliments Ash's skill by sending a girl to fight a girl, and the Heroic Triumph music starts playing, only for Ash to admit he didn't know and the music to immediately stop.

Well, the episode only has two minutes left, so it's easy enough to guess what happens: gust leaf storm gust air cutter quick attack quick attack vine whip air cutter pokeball go. Of note: Snivy is not knocked out, it just kind of lets itself be caught after a while. Ash sends Snivy out immediately and tells it that he'll be taking it to win the Unova League.

Jesus Christ, writers, I literally cannot remember how many “Ash recruits an abused pokemon from another trainer by impressing it with his caring and battle skills” episodes there have been. I literally cannot. This episode doesn’t even have any humans or pokemon other than the main characters and their pokemon in it, it is just twenty minutes of Ash’s quest to find and beat up a girl who’s running through a forest trying to escape him. There are literally horror movies with this premise.

SAVING DARMANITAN FROM THE BELL!
"Maybe Pikachu ate it and forgot?" Score: 3/10

The heroes have stopped at Nameless Town. Yes, it’s time for Best Wishes’ very first true filler episode! Joy. Cilan cooks lunch, but two wild Darumaka appear and steal their food. Seriously, I cannot even begin to guess how many times “wild pokemon steals the heroes’ food” has started an episode.

The Darumaka try to escape, so Ash sends out Oshawott to miss with water gun and get hit by two flamethrowers. This knocks Oshawott out, which is apparently a huge deal because Ash's pokemon have never been hit by two flamethrowers before, so they take it to a pokemon center.

Nurse Joy tells the heroes about the two Darumaka and the Darmanitan which lived with them. They used to be kind to humans, but now the Darumaka are stealing food and the Darmanitan has disappeared, which is a bit of a problem. Also, on a completely unrelated note that definitely won't be brought up again, a local old clocktower is going to be torn down. Don’t worry about it, though, it’s not important.

Then the heroes have dinner. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW8-1.jpg Nurse Joy appears and tells everyone staying at the pokemon center that they have dumplings for dessert, when what should happen but the Darumaka appear and steal the food. Never could’ve seen that one coming. Ash sends out Pidove to follow them and then follows on foot, but the Darumaka split up and escape. You know, given that Iris literally lives in a forest and can literally jump up tall trees in like two movements, you would think that she would be a faster runner than Ash.

Anyway, Pidove still catches the Darumaka entering the clocktower and tells the heroes about it. The heroes corner the Darumaka and ask why they're stealing the food, and after more padding than anything ever, the Darumaka take them to a Darmanitan at the top of the tower in zen mode, sitting beneath the bell. The Darumaka have been stealing food to feed it.

Then, the heroes see that the bell above Darmanitan is floating: it's using psychic to keep it up. You see, the bell was going to fall when the hook that kept it suspended broke, which would have destroyed the floors on each story as it did and bring the entire tower down (because that’s how floors work, right?), so Darmanitan has been keeping it floating using psychic. Thus, the heroes decide that they simple need to fix the hook.

SUPER EXCITING HOOK FIXING MONTAGE GOOOOOOO

Sometimes you gotta fix a hook / It’s not something You learn in any book You just gotta improvise If you’re lucky / It’ll fix before your eyes Pokemon!

After they fix the hook, Darmanitan does literally everything else for them and thanks them for thirty seconds of actual aid they provided. The next day, as the heroes leave, Nurse Joy tells the heroes that the town has decided to restore the clocktower (presumably at a high cost to the taxpayers) and let the pokemon live there. Cilan's response? "Delicious!" Seriously I don't understand why people like this guy more than Brock.

There’s also a subplot where Team Rocket, as inconspicuously as possible, http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW8.jpg Meet another agent and are given a briefcase and new orders: go to Nacarene City and await further orders.

Dun dun dun

THE LOOM IS ON AXEW!
"It's Axew's Dragon Sneeze!" Score: 4/10

Iris and Cilan decide to have a battle, and Iris bans Ash from participating because he "would just try to win." Even after Ash offers not to use volt tackle, Iris refuses to let him fight: her goal is to slowly train Axew, not just to battle.

Cilan orders Pasage to use bullet seed "gently," and even after the weakest bullet seed in the history of pokemon, Axew is still ready to cry - it valiantly tries to continue, but it’s so weak that even after being hit with the most sperm-like solar beam in history is a problem. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW9.jpg Ash tells Iris that not battling for real won't help, so Iris orders a use of dragon rage that doesn't really work. Dragon Rage is supposed to create an energy ball you spit at the enemy, but Axew's energy balls just keep exploding while still in its mouth, creating craters around it.

Iris still refuses to battle Ash, though, so Ash asks how she got Axew in the first place: it was a gift from an elder in her home town. Wow, what a backstory. In her home village, everyone specializes in dragon pokemon, and presumably, ice cream is banned. An old woman gave her an Axew and told her to go on a journey, and she says "Yes ma'am" in the same voice you'd use to the teacher who just gave you detention. But it's been a while since Iris started her journey, and she's worried because Axew hasn't evolved yet and also kind of sucks.

Meanwhile, Axew is exploring and gets wedged in a Scolipede's antennae, and the wild pokemon starts freaking out. It begins using toxic on random pieces of terrain, burning them like acid in seconds, so Ash and Cilan decide to send out Pansage and Snivy. Amazingly, sending out only pokemon weak to poison and bug does not work out, so, after a while, Iris reveals her second pokemon: Excadrill.

Exadrill refuses to help, however, so Iris decides “to do it herself.” Doing it herself involves Pansage and Tepig helping her, but in any case, she does succeed in freeing Axew. Scolipede is still angry, but when it tries to brutally murder Iris, it accidentally kicks Excadrill. In the ensuing fight, Cilan detects "a delicate hint of battle flavor" from the murderous steel-plated mole, and Excadrill launches Scolipede into the distance. I love how Iris tries to apologize to Scolipede as it literally flies miles into the distance, presumably going splat as it hits the ground.

Ash wants to battle Iris, so she tells him to battle Pikachu. Ash agrees, and to no one's surprise, Pikachu kicks Ash's ass. I assume this is what writers do when they don’t know how to properly end an episode.

What can I even say other than that this episode is cobbled together from other episodes in earlier seasons? And that it’s not as good?

A RIVAL BATTLE FOR CLUB CHAMP!
"I guess Pikachu and Snivy were okay, but your other pokemon are a complete joke, and so’s their trainer." Score: 5/10

The heroes stop in Luxuria Town to enter its Battle Club, and who should be here but Trip? Don George arrives, and we learn that the Don Georges basically have the exact same gimmick as Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny, except that they're all forty year-old men instead of attractive young women. Huh, I… can’t think of a joke for that.

Trip doesn't want to battle Ash because Pikachu lost to a brand new Snivy, and Ash only has five pokemon and one badge. He also makes a comment about groundless confidence that in the wake of continuity with earlier seasons makes no sense. Still, Cilan and Iris persuade Trip to battle Ash anyway.

Tranquill versus Oshawott. Tranquill defeats Oshawott in twenty-six seconds (I timed it). Well, take heart, Oshawott, that is a bit better than Torkoal did against Darkrai… although when I have to compare you to Torkoal to make you sound good, I… I just don’t know. Ash sends out Tepig, and Trip criticizes Ash's "straightforward" choices. What does that even mean. Tranquill uses double team, and I love how every time double team is ever used in this show, every single time, the other pokemon freaks out and gasps or something. Tranquill then uses work up and just one-shots Tepig.

Ash sends out Pikachu, which is what he should have done to begin with, and after a lot of effort, Pikachu does succeed in taking Trip’s pokemon down. Trip sends out his Servine, and Ash, disbelieving, mutters "That's Servine... it's gotta be!" Thus, Ash sends out Pidovnohedoesn't he keeps in Pikachu, and Pikachu is deservedly beaten without landing a single hit. Ash insists that a match is never over until it's over, and sends out Snivy. After about a minute of letting Snivy get its ass kicked, Ash eventually remembers it can use attract, and has it knock out the lovestruck Servine.

Next up is Frillish, so Ash recalls Snivy and sends out Pidove, ordering it to lose in one hit. Pidove does its best and succeeds. Ash sends Snivy out again, but doesn't realize that using vine whip is a bad idea - Frillish has cursed body, which prevents Snivy from attacking with it again. Thus, Ash has Snivy attack Frillish with leaf storm and then use attract... which Frillish just dodges and then finishes Snivy off.

There’s also a subplot where Team Rocket is cornered by the entire police force of Luxuria Town, which apparently only use batons and not guns. Another Team Rocket agent named Peuce helps them escape in a truck, and Officer Jenny helpfully informs them that they're resisting arrest. Then they destroy their truck on purpose and escape in jetpacks, instead of just escaping in jetpacks and not trashing a ninety thousand dollar truck.

So, uh… I gotta tell you. I now understand why Gary never battled Ash until the final episode of season 2, and only battled him full on at the end of season 5. I now understand why Paul didn’t have a full battle with Ash until they’d known each other for some time. It’s because it’s just not exciting. They’ve had no time to really establish a rivalry, and as a result, the writers are just giving away the goods too soon. You’re supposed to tantalize the audience with the promise of an exciting battle for a while, which can be as enticing as the actual battle itself. Instead, we just immediately get a battle on Trip’s second appearance.

And honestly, just **** Trip. This is Ash’s second worst rival, and I say that only because no one will ever be worse than Ritchie. This guy’s only personality is “dick.” Even in his early episodes, Paul at least used strategy and thought things out while calling Ash a dumbass - here, Trip is just a jerk. He’s not even an interesting jerk, and his only personality trait - calling Ash a dumbass - is already handled by a main character, Iris.

A HOME FOR DWEBBLE!
"Herp." Score: 4/10

The heroes stop by a river for lunch. For once, however, nothing tries to steal their food. Instead, they see a wild Dwebble carving a rock to make a home for itself, as Dwebble like to live with rock thingies on their backs. As soon as it finishes, three larger Dwebble appear and steal the rock, attaching it to the largest Dwebble’s already large rock. What is their motivation here? I do not know. In fact, given that we see Dwebble move around largely by digging, you would think a larger rock would be a disadvantage, but whatever, I guess.

Dwebble follows the evil Dwebble, but they get away. When the heroes approach it, it freaks out at seeing humans and attacks, and accidentally hits Pansage with a flying rock. Well, as we all know, rocks cause fevers, so Pansage is now sick, and it’s up to Iris to cure it with her knowledge of herbal remedies. She does. Wow, that was exciting. Cilan makes dinner for everyone, and let me tell you, it’s even more exciting than it sounds.

In the morning, Dwebble and the heroes find the evil Dwebble. Dwebble refuses the heroes' help and insists on fighting a three-on-one by itself, and does as well as you'd expect someone fighting three other people at once to do. Finally, the heroes persuade it that it needs their help in at least splitting up the evil Dwebble, and in one-on-one fights, it easily defeats the two smaller Dwebble. Finally, the head evil Dwebble is the only one left. Dwebble uses shell smash (despite having nothing to smash) and knocks off the head Dwebble's rock, which also results in its rock being knocked off, allowing it to take it back. Dwebble asks to come with Cilan, and of course, Cilan finds a way to make a food analogy. Still. At least Dwebble didn’t comment about the rarity of Pikachu.

Meanwhile, Peuce takes Team Rocket to an abandoned subway tunnel. He tells them that they have to go to the Antimony Research Lab and steal some data, and he does it using the least necessary hologram ever. Cut to Team Rocket... infiltrating the lab and stealing the data. Then they go back to Peuce and deliver the data. There are literally no hang-ups or unexpected problems with Peuce’s plan. The end.

HERE COMES THE TRUBBISH SQUAD!
"Right." "Of course." "Indeed." Score: 3/10

The heroes are walking along when several kids and a Trubbish ride up and attack them by throwing balls of mud. Also, they steal Ash's hat. Two women run up, Daniela and her grandmother the daycare lady, and explain they're from Daniela’s kindergarten class.

See, the kids found a Trubbish in a junkyard one day (why they were at a junkyard I do not know, unless it was the worst field trip ever) and brought it back. Daniela wouldn't let the kids keep Trubbish because it stank up the school too much, so when they refused to give it up, she dragged it back to the garbage dump and left it there. The next day, the kids just dragged all of the trash from the junkyard and set up a fort to hide in with Trubbish. Yes, apparently five five year-olds brought half a junkyard to a school. Including sofas, refrigerators, and other extremely heavy things. The kids refuse to let any adults to come into their fort, so Ash offers to help and go talk to the kids. By the way, yes, the kids do comment on the rarity of Pikachu, but this is offset by a rare legitimately funny moment where Pikachu acts cute and Trubbish tries to act cute by doing exactly the same thing as Pikachu. After a brief cameo by Sunglasses Sandile, the kids convince Ash that they should be able to keep Trubbish because… they want to, I guess.

Daniela, annoyed at Ash betraying her, sends out her ultimate pokemon: Deerling. During the Deerling/Pikachu battle, the former gets stuck under a mound of junk that's threatening to collapse. Part of it does collapse, and Daniela saves a kid by throwing herself in the way of some of the junk. Fortunately, Trubbish eventually decides to just destroy the junk or blast it away, saving everyone. Seeing that the kids and Ash desperately want to keep Trubbish, Daniela finally relents and allows it to stay. Her grandmother, satisfied, tells Daniela that if a Trubbish likes humans, it won't release its smelly breath, and everyone angrily asks her why she didn't tell them that before and save them a filler episode. Her response? "You have to go your own way." Jesus Christ, **** you, lady. As an attempt to keep this episode from being completely filler, she gives Ash a pokemon egg but refuses to say what’s inside, because the writers felt that we haven’t had the “character receives a mystery pokemon egg” plot enough yet. You know what, I hope that’s a Farfetch’d, just so you’ll be stuck with a completely useless pokemon, Ash.

In a subplot, Team Rocket is given a replica of a "certain rock” by another agent and told to wait for more orders. Man, super exciting stuff, here, people.

MINCCINO - NEAT AND TIDY!
"That's a pokemon connoisseur for you... whatever he just said." Score: 5/10

The heroes are traveling along a river to Nacrene City when they are stopped by Bianca, who trips and crashes into Ash and Cilan. Wow, a clumsy moe girl who apologizes and bows a lot in an anime? I've never seen one of those before. You really have to wonder what is it in the Pokemon world that makes girls think traveling through forests in long skirts that nearly reach their ankles is a good idea.

Bianca shows Ash her cell phone watch (I refuse to call it anything else) and calls up Professor Juniper to introduce her. Bianca has been sent to give Ash his badge case, which is unfortunately very dirty because Bianca’s purse is apparently filled with nothing but dust. A wild Minccino appears and steals the badge case, because dammit, we haven't had nearly enough episodes where Ash's badges are stolen. The heroes follow it and watch it clean up the badge case, and Bianca decides that, since she is naturally messy, Minccino would be the perfect pokemon for her. You can tell Bianca is messy because her skirt is pure white and completely clean after hours of traveling through a forest.

Ash is ready to attack Minccino, but Bianca insists on fighting it first and sends out a Pignite. I love how Cilan calls Bianca a "fierce battler," only for Pignite to get its ass kicked by hyper voice and tickle so that Bianca has to recall it. Ash just sends out Pikachu, but Oshawott insists on coming out and battling for him - at one point, Bianca tries to command Oshawott, and the distraction allows Minccino to defeat it. I hope trying to command other peoples’ pokemon doesn’t become a thing with her. Minccino has now had enough and runs off, and Ash tells Bianca that this is her fault. She just ignores him and insists he help her catch Minccino because… because, I guess.

Eventually, the heroes find it again, so Ash sends out Snivy on the grounds that it's probably been his most competent pokemon so far. Somehow this turns into a conversation about Bianca's overprotective father where she uses a Valley Girl accent she did not have in previous scenes, and will have randomly throughout the rest of the episode. As someone who has lived in the Valley for most of his life, whose sisters were and are cheerleaders who talk about American Idol and how much their butts hurt from practicing tumbling, who has had to spend hours around their five hundred visually identical friends who are all also cheerleaders, I can tell you that actual Valley Girls sound nothing like Bianca.

Snivy uses attract, but Minccino just dodges it and uses attract itself. Snivy can't resist the allure of an ultra-sexy Minccino and is soundly defeated, so Ash sends out Pikachu... again. Pikachu decides that since the episode is almost over, it will just defeat Minccino easily, but Bianca stops Ash from finishing it off because she wants to catch it herself. She wastes everyone’s time so that Minccino is about to escape, when she finally takes out a dusty pokeball, which causes it to clean it with its tail, accidentally tripping the button on the pokeball and catching itself. Bianca celebrates catching Minccino as if she had anything to do with its capture, and Ash gets his badge back.

At a pokemon center, Bianca challenges Ash to a battle, so they agree to a one versus one. Pignite versus Pikachu. Despite Pignite landing like twelve hits and Pikachu landing one, Pikachu wins, and everyone acts like Bianca isn’t an incompetent fool.

Seriously, I have no opinion about Bianca in the game, but she does nothing in this episode except act like a dumbass.

A NIGHT IN THE NACRENE CITY MUSEUM!
"How awesome is it to have a gym that's inside a museum?!" Score: 4/10

I'll take "Things no child would ever actually say" for 200, Alex.

The heroes reach Nacarene City, which we learn is extremely boring. Of note: the gym is inside of the city's museum, just to deter interested children from challenging the gym leader.

Unfortunately, the museum is closed today with no explanation, even though a big Secret Artifacts exhibit was supposed to be held here. Okay, time to condense a lot of stuff because I can’t make jokes out of it.

Hoz, the husband of Lenora, the gym leader, was setting up a Secret Artifacts exhibit that includes a replica Cofagrigus coffin and Yamask mask. It’s now being attacked by a ghost. Iris believes it’s an angry spirit, but Cilan insists that the explanation must be scientific. They spend the entire episode fighting possessed suits of armor and stuff while Cilan says things like “ultra-low frequency sound waves.” Eventually it turns out to be a Yamask: Hoz accidentally got a real Yamask mask and placed it in a display case where Yamask couldn’t get it back. Lenora appears, solves the problem, and Yamask leaves.

Meanwhile, Peuce talks to Team Rocket: steal the meteorite and leave the replica they got several episodes ago-- but that's "not your true target."

THE BATTLE ACCORDING TO LENORA!
"Will Ash be successful in his quest to power up his pokemone?!" Score: 6/10

I’m going to guess… yes.

Lenora and Hoz take the heroes through the museum's library, and ask Ash if he wants to study about Unova's history before the battle, and despite dropping a ton of hints that he should read a particular book, Ash just wants to battle. Cilan and Iris just flat out tell Ash that Lenora is testing him, so he agrees to read the book. When he touches it, it trips a secret staircase to the gym arena. Lenora then explains that it's all a test (duh) to see what kind of trainer you are by what book you try to read. Eh. Still better than Lieutenant Surge’s gym test.

Lenora introduces her pokemon: Watchog and Lillipup. Careful, Ash, I suggest you go ahead a bit, catch a Sawk or a Throh (I went with Sawk), and come back. In any case, Lenora talks about how awesome normal pokemon are for gym battles because they don't have an element. Now, putting that aside, I've gotta tell you, Whitney and Norman are not among Ash's more impressive battles.

The battle will be two-on-two, so it's Lillipup versus Tepig. I do enjoy how Lillipup instantly stops acting cute and suddenly starts scowling and growling, but as a result, looks twice as cute.

Lenora makes the odd call of starting out with roar, sending Tepig back to its pokeball and forcing out Oshawott, then sends in Watchog and has it use mean look. So, uh… there are so many ways this strategy could go wrong that I don’t even know where to begin, but the ultimate point of it to make her challenger go off balance as a result. I do like, however, how Cilan takes Brock's place as the guy who comments on every single thing that happens in every single battle. Oddly, Oshawott is extremely upset at having to battle earlier than it wanted to. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW15.jpg Oshawott and Watchog battle for a bit, but it eventually loses its shell (I hope this doesn't become a thing, because it’s happened before), which causes it to lose. In the ensuing Lillipup versus Tepig battle, Tepig gets its ass kicked and quickly loses. Ash feels bad for sucking, and at the pokemon center, Nurse Joy tells him to visit the Battle Club for special training and tips. He does so, and Don George agrees to give him special training… next episode.

That night, Team Rocket steals the museum's meteorite and replaces it with a fake with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever, leading me to be unable to make jokes at their expense.

Overall, a decent episode, I guess, but I don’t really like Lenora.

REMATCH AT THE NACRENE GYM!
"These episodes have fewer stupid things said than earlier seasons, so it’s difficult to find good quotes." Score: 4.5/10

Don George takes the heroes to his special training room, which consists of treadmills, dumbbells, and so on. It's meant for pokemon, but Don George insists Ash train physically as well because Lenora's strategies can throw the trainer off as well.

Don George's training for Tepig? Put Tepig and Ash on a treadmill while cannons shoot rubber spheres meant to represent shadow balls from all directions at once. His training for Oshawott? Have it and Ash swim against a current. I, for one, choose to assume that Don George is actually Jewish and he’s choosing to take it out against poor, poor Tepig. In any case, Tepig does flame charge and Oshawott sort of learns aqua jet (it can use it, but not aim properly), so I guess Don George probably knows what he’s talking about.

The next day, Ash challenges Lenora again. Lenora reveals that her pokemon will be Watchog and Mustachedog-- I mean Herdier, and we’re explicitly told that Lenora evolved Lillipup to throw Ash off guard. Huh. So what happens with the next trainer? Will she evolve it again, and some newbie with a Pidove and Roggenrola will be up against a Stoutland?

Well, whatever. Ash sends out Tepig, and predictably, Lenora uses shadow ball spam, so Tepig is now able to dodge them all. Lenora counters this by using roar again, then mean look with Watchog.

Oshawott's swimming training has now made it extremely fast (on land), but its aqua jet is still imperfect and can't hit consistently, which is bad, because Watchog uses confuse ray. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter: a confused Oshawott still lands a lucky aqua jet, and both pokemon are knocked out at the same time. You know, given how rarely that happens in the actual game…

Herdier versus Tepig, and Tepig performs very well. Cilan tells us that Tepig's training is paying off, just in case we couldn’t tell. This is good because, according to Cilan, this is Ash’s last chance for the second badge even though this was never implied before.

Herdier lands a giga impact, and of course, it requires no rest after. I love how Unova gym leaders who challenge weak, newbie trainers keep busting out this level of insanity-- first Cilan and solar beam, and now this. Granted, it’s not as silly as Falkner the Pidgeot trainer, but still. Eventually, they land giga impact and flame charge at the same time, knocking both down... but Herdier falls back down even though it’s taken very little damage and Tepig has taken a huge amount. I love how Hoz (the battle announcer here) takes his job completely seriously and announces that Ash is the winner to... Lenora and Ash's friends, who all saw it happen. Lenora gives Ash the Basic Badge, and everyone laughs for some reason.

Eh.

SCRAGGY - HATCHED TO BE WILD!
"Use thunderbolt, let's go! Maybe a bit more like thunderburp..." Score: 4/10

Ash's egg is about to hatch when Axew, hopping with joy because it'll soon be a "big brother" (I had honestly assumed it was female) knocks it down a hill, causing it to hatch into a Scraggy.

The rest of the episode is about Scraggy being a douchebag. At the end of the episode, Scraggy and Axew strike up a rivalry over food, and since they both suck at fighting so much, Cilan decides they'd be perfect to battle against each other. A misused dragon rage knocks both out at once, however, proving that they both suck a lot.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket delivers the meteorite to Peuce in the Team Rocket Mobile Research Lab, a helicopter laboratory, built for all of the times you need to conduct research but can’t be bothered with things like “reliable electric systems that don’t need be recharged regularly.” There, they meet Doctor Monocle, whose name is said precisely one time, but I didn't hear it correctly. Doctor Monocle starts scanning it, causing it to glow. This is a good thing, I guess, and they fly off to their next mission.

SEWADDLE AND BURGH IN PINWHEEL FOREST!
"A pure heart makes for profound art!" Score: 4/10

The heroes reach Pinwheel Forest, and as they enter, a Sewaddle attacks Pikachu. Cilan then informs us that Sewaddle are popular among clothing designers because they can design and make their own clothing out of leaves. Huh. I would have thought clothing designers would like good-looking pokemon instead, but what do I know?

Ash likes Sewaddle's battling spirit and decides to catch it, but as soon as Pikachu actually strikes it back, it just runs off. Well, this is obviously the kind of battler Ash needs, so the heroes run after it, only to get lost in the forest because they’re idiots.

While wandering, they meet Burgh, a “super-talented artist,” but he's stuck in a slump, so he's hoping to get inspiration by living out here among the forest pokemon. I’m going to tell you this now: I would take a thousand Biancas over one Burgh. This guy literally uses the phrase “pure heart” at least once per five sentences, and that is not an exaggeration, I really hope he never appears again after the gym battle. In any case, while they talk with Burgh, Sewaddle reappears and attacks Ash, and Burgh explains this particular Sewaddle is wild and kind of a dick. That’s okay, though, because Ash already owns a pokemon whose chief characterization is “kind of a dick.”

Burgh tells Ash that you need to get to know a pokemon before catching it, and tells him to introduce himself, telling the heroes that Sewaddle distinguish things by poking their foreheads at them, so Pikachu, Axew, Burgh, and Iris rub foreheads with it, but when Ash tries, it just tackles him. The three of them (Cilan stays behind) follow Sewaddle as it does mundane things, and I love how it takes a nap in the middle of a field... even though this is a forest. And you would think predators would be all over it.

Anyway, Sewaddle is nearly killed three times in ten minutes, leaving me to wonder how it survived this long to begin with, but Ash is there to rescue it no matter what kind of trouble it gets into: wild Woobat, Japanese waterfalls, or crazy Deerling. You know, I really do not know how many times the “Ash saves a wild pokemon because it’s a dumbass and it bonds with him” plot has been used, I really don’t.

Sewaddle is now all over Ash and asks to come with him, so he catches it. Unfortunately, this is Ash’s seventh pokemon, so the pokeball refuses to open because you’re only allowed to have six. I have to admit, this is better than the seventh pokeball just teleporting away like with what happened with Krabby like seven hundred episodes ago (that’s not even an exaggeration). Burgh takes Ash to a pokemon center so Ash can exchange pokemon, and then declares that he’s gotten inspiration from Ash and his new pokemon and runs back to Castelia City, telling Ash that he looks forward to their upcoming battle.

I seriously can’t tell you how annoying Burgh is.

A CONNOISSEUR'S REVENGE!
"Snivy also has no respect for my tongue!" Score: 5/10

The heroes are traveling when they find a brand new Walmart-sized pokemart in the middle of a forest, filled with customers, because everyone knows that city-dwellers love driving out hours into the middle of a forest to buy basic supplies. Personally, I don’t feel right unless I drive to Fresno at least once a week.

Inside the pokemart is a connoisseur shop, where someone checks your pokemon and evaluates your compatibility. Cilan then explains the ranking system for connoisseurs - he's A-class, but there's also S-class above that. What’s the deciding factor in Ash wanting to get his pokemon evaluated? That the connoisseur is female. How… strangely potentially sexist? I don’t know.

Ash dislikes the long line, but another female connoisseur tells him that she's free. Ash thinks this is not suspicious at all, even though he's last in line of dozens and she offers to see him specifically. This connoisseur is named Burgundy - and don't worry, she comments on the rarity of Pikachu. She then proceeds to examine all of Ash’s pokemon (except Pidove, who’s not with him) and inform him that he has no chemistry with any of them because of things like Tepig being too happy or Snivy’s eyes being too narrow. When Cilan and Iris appear, Burgundy reveals that she knows Cilan - she lost a battle to Cilan, and he said "ridiculous and hurtful things" to her. By the way, she did not know Ash is Cilan’s friend, so apparently she just randomly ambushed a trainer to insult.

She became a connoisseur as revenge (and you just know that any revenge plot that involves learning a trade and becoming a professional in whatever field you study is probably very complex), but Cilan joined Ash’s journey before she came back to the gym. She now just wants to defeat Cilan, and also eventually admits that she's only a C-class (so her insults to Ash’s pokemon are incorrect, I guess). Cilan tells her that the manual isn't always right, so Burgundy challenges him to a battle. Wait - the manual tells you that a Tepig that’s too happy is a bad Tepig? That’s oddly specific.

Dewott versus Dwebble - Cilan's choice surprises everyone because it's weak to water pokemon. Cilan then promises that if he loses, he'll give up his A-class rating and make Ash replace all of his pokemon, because… he totally has the authority to do that, I guess. Cilan's plan for using Dwebble is to let it get hit, because its ability is Sturdy, and then to use shell smash and defeat Dewott. Cilan then chides Burgundy for being a crappy connoisseur (not that he uses those exact words), so she sends out a Sawsbuck. I like how the pokedex claims people use them to measure the passing of the seasons, because in Unova, apparently they hate going outside. Cilan just sends out Pansage, then uses confusing, sneaky attacks to defeat her. After the battle, Cilan tries to give her some advice, but she just gets angry and leaves. He is satisfied, however, that she’ll become a good connoisseur one day.

So, uh… I don’t really like Burgundy, sorry. Aside from her personality being annoying, a rival is supposed to be at least vaguely on the level of the person she’s a rival to, which is how she challenges him and makes him better. Freaking Ash had a more of a chance against Tobias than Burgundy had against Cilan. Still, Burgundy does get beaten up a lot over this episode, which is gratifying to watch, as, as I mentioned, she is very annoying.

DANCING WITH THE DUCKLETT TRIO!
"I'm afraid Excadrill's acting a bit Chili!" Score: 3.5/10

Cilan cooks up some lunch, only for Ash and Pikachu to fall down a sudden hole in the ground (without his pokeballs), which instantly collapses into itself so Cilan and Iris can’t follow. Thus, they send out Pansage and Excadrill to dig through the collapsed dirt-- but Excradrill won’t help and a wild Ducklett steals Cilan’s silverware, so Iris goes after it while Cilan digs through the hole.

We learn that the hole was dug by Sunglasses Sandile, which wanted to battle Ash by separating him from the rest of the heroes: it desperately wants to battle Pikachu for… some reason, I guess. It’s followed Ash like fifty miles on foot, I assume its desire is pretty intense. When was the last time you walked fifty miles? Freaking never is when. Ash has Pikachu lead with thunderbolt because he's an idiot, and the battle commences, but it's interrupted by a wild Derplett. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW20.jpg I find that image absolutely hilarious for some reason. It's like... "I don't even know why I exist." Ducklett actually only pretends to be a derp and puts its head in Sandile's mouth to examine it, but soon reveals its true colors: blue. Then it steals Sandile’s sunglasses and flies off.

Sandile is cowardly without its sunglasses, so Ash agrees to help it retrieve them... only for another Ducklett to steal Ash's hat. Ash does track down the Ducklett and defeat them, but then the one that stole Cilan's silverware appears, rescues its friends, and they then trap Pikachu in an umbrella while it uses thunderbolt, which I guess damages Pikachu’s ability to use electricity? It’s… not really clear? But in any case, Pikachu can no longer use thunderbolt.

Ash tries just asking for the sunglasses back, but the Ducklett just pretend to give them back before attacking again. Pikachu can no longer use electricity, so it’s a three-on-three battle (Ash helps fight the Ducklett), but Ash, Pikachu, and Sandile all lose handily.

Somehow, Pikachu learns electro ball, it’s not really clear how, and defeats the Ducklett. Iris and Cilan appear again, as do the Ducklett, so Pikachu volunteers to fight them again, and can now use thunderbolt again I guess, it’s not really explained. After being defeated again, the Ducklett just kind of leave. At the pokemon center, Nurse Joy tells everyone about the annoying Ducklett that live around here and that’s that, I guess. No further explanations.

Sandile wants another battle with Pikachu, and here we learn Pikachu's known moves are now iron tail, quick attack, electro ball, and thunderbolt. Phew. Good thing you gave up that nasty, useless volt tackle in favor of electro ball. During the battle, Sandile evolves into Krokorok, and... I don't really know why, but Krokorok gets blasted off into the sky or something, I guess. I don't know. It’s not really clear how it happens.

Nothing at any point in this episode is clearly explained.

THE LOST WORLD OF GOTHITELLE!
"It's like a dream, the memories, hidden within the mists of a passing fog." Score: 7/10

The heroes are heading to the Skyarrow Bridge, the last major obstacle before the plot advances. Just before they escape the filler, Ash stops at a pokemart by the bridge and runs into a woman named Sally. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW21.jpg In the mart, Ash exchanges Sewaddle for Pidove and is then flabbergasted to see Sally, whom almost ran into in front of the store as they both entered the store, in the store. She's looking at a few pictures of a ferry that used to run here before the bridge was built.

They take their leave of the character of the day, but suddenly, the area is foggy, so Officer Jenny appears and sends out a Swanna to use defog... but it doesn't work. Rather than deal with this problem, Officer Jenny instead prioritizes giving tickets to people who try to drive in the fog. I would call her the worst cop ever, but honestly, real cops love to park behind trees and wait for people to run stop signs instead of stopping murders and stuff, so yeah, this is pretty realistic.

Ash decides to just ignore the fog and cross the bridge anyway, but it just gets thicker as they go. A Gothitelle appears over the bridge and obstructs their passage, refusing to let them cross, so Ash attacks with Snivy. A leaf storm connects with a psybeam, plunging the heroes into another world. Yep. It’s that easy.

The heroes see that the bridge is still being built and a girl who looks exactly like a younger version of Sally is running a ferry across the river. She has a Gothitelle, so, seeing that this is where the plot is, the heroes board the ferry. The captain laments that his ferry will soon close with the bridge's completion, and it's Cilan who figures out that they've traveling "into another world" (not through time). Yes, Cilan, the guy who made a huge stink about science and reasonable explanations is the guy who talks about time travel and interdimensional movement here. When they reach the other side of the bridge, the heroes find they're on the same side of the bridge that they started on. Cilan realizes that they're stuck in a loop that will always result in them reaching this ferry because the writers had just finished watching Window of Opportunity before they made this episode.

The heroes watch Sally order her Gothitelle to help her get more supplies for the ferry, so she has it use psychic to open a door. No, literally, this happens. Amazing psychic powers from "the astral body pokemon" are used to open a door.

Cilan decides that Gothitelle might be the key to this, so they decide to ask about it. Sally explains that Gothitelle used to be wild, but one day decided to just help out and hang around - Gothitelle is extremely happy helping by opening doors and sweeping floors. Cilan now believes that Gothitelle can warp space and created a world made out of its memories of time spent with Sally, and Ash says that he doesn't think these memories are particularly special, what a dick.

They watch Gothitelle leave into the fog surrounding the area after it finishes helping for the day, and decide to follow it. It walks onto the bridge, and as soon as it's out of sight of Sally and her father, the heroes ask to be allowed to leave its memory world. Obviously, the most reasonable response is to attack, so Cilan decides that if they battle Gothitelle, they might learn something useful (spoilers: they don’t). Ash sends out Snivy, and during the battle, adult Sally appears and tells Gothitelle that she also got lost in this memory world.

We learn that when the ferry shut down and Sally moved away, Gothitelle joined her and her father. When she grew up, Sally went to medical school, leaving Gothitelle with her father, and several years later learned that Gothitelle had disappeared. What? Her father never called her to say that her pet ran away? Jesus Christ, what a dick. Well, she happened to be assigned to a hospital near here and came to look at the bridge for old time’s sake, and now they're reunited. Sally tells Gothitelle that it needs to release everyone, however, because you “can’t turn back time” even though Gothitelle has pretty much done exactly that. Well, whatever, Gothitelle takes everyone out of the memory world, but decides not to go with Sally because... I don't know. It does say that Sally can come visit it if she likes, and then it leaves.

So… this episode is kind of nice, so I gave it a high score, but it also makes no real sense at any point. The heroes are completely superfluous here and do literally nothing except observe the entire episode, making Gothitelle the protagonist. This would be interesting, except that the writers aren’t talented enough to even realize what they did, so the heroes are still the protagonists and as a result, the episode is much worse than its potential implies.

A VENIPEDE STAMPEDE!
"I couldn't care less about your REASONS." Score: 4/10

Ugh, Trip is awful.

Remember when Team Rocket was in this show? Neither do I! Well, the writers do, bizarrely enough, and Team Rocket, Peuce, and Doctor Monocle are in their laboratory-helicopter looking for another meteorite under the Desert Resort.

Cut to the heroes reaching Castelia City, and Cilan insists they go to the Castelia Cone, a famous ice cream shop. However, Ash insists that there’s no time for ice cream (bastard), they must go to the gym first. On the way, they bump into Burgh, who informs them that he can't battle now because the wild bug pokemon in the city are restless, which generally happens when "something bad is gonna happen."

Pikachu feels something wrong with the sewer, and Burgh confirms that the sewer runs into a river nearby, so they all go to investigate, and soon find a trapped Venipede (and Ash uses the correct pronunciation of "antennae"). Burgh tells Ash not to touch it because its skin is poisonous, but he does so anyway because dammit, that’s how we roll in Japan. Amazingly, Ash is poisoned, but luckily, Cilan heals him instantly. Wow, what drama we have in this show.

A colony of Venipede stampede by, and Burgh questions why they're here, since Venipede normally live outside of the city. As they leave the sewer, they see thousands of Venipede are swarming the city. I love how Officer Jenny comes and warns only Burgh and the heroes to leave - all of the helpless civilians she does nothing for, but Burgh, the pokemon expert who can survive days in the forest with no problem? He needs to be warned for his own safety. We also learn that Professor Juniper is trying to determine why the Venipede are freaking out. Well, that’s actually pretty simple: Unova needs a “freaky bug swarm” pokemon and the Beedrill are all busy in Japan.

An explosion occurs near the pokemon center (except when they get there, there’s no sign of it), and the heroes see several trainers defending it with fire pokemon, including Trip, who now has a Lampent. Ash tells them not just attack the Venipede because Professor Juniper is trying to figure out what's happening, and when the mayor appears, Burgh and the heroes convince him to let them drive the Venipede into the city’s park and keep them there rather than just attacking. Burgh knows that Venipede leaders usually hang out at high points to watch out for danger, so they look for a completely anonymous high building in a city of nothing except high buildings and successfully locate the identical Venipede (among tens of thousands) in twenty seconds.

After a lot of filler, during which Trip joins the heroes temporarily and Ash’s Pidove evolves (and if you think I’m unfairly skipping over the significance of a pokemon evolving, it’s only because the episode does too), the Venipede are all in the park.

Trip leaves, saying the gym won’t be open for a while so he’d rather go on ahead. Professor Juniper arrives at this point, telling everyone that she’s located two enormous energy sources coming from the Desert Resort, which freaked out the Venipede and sent them into the city. Well, this looks dangerous, so let’s send only a noncombatant professor and Officer Jenny, who, like all American cops, is armed only with green hair, to investigate, while Burgh and the heroes stay in the city.

BATTLE FOR THE LOVE OF BUG-TYPE!
"Pikachu is the main ingredient in Ash's strategy recipe!" Score: 5/10

The heroes reach the Castelia Gym, and Burgh is happy to take Ash's challenge. Huh. I guess Trip was just kind of wrong.

Burgh sends out his first pokemon: Dwebble. Ash counters with Tepig, a move which Iris compliments even though it's his worst possible choice. And indeed, Tepig loses easily. Good work, everyone. Fortunately, Sewaddle picks up the slack and defeats Dwebble for Ash.

Next up: Whirlipede. Whirlipede exists because GameFreak thought Kakuna and Metapod were too damn dignified. Cilan muses that a flying pokemon would be best here, but Ash already sent Tranquill to Professor Juniper because he knew he was going to a bug gym and having an advantage would be too smart. He probably plans to use Oshawott against Elesa, too.

Well, whatever. Sewaddle is hit by a solar beam, causing it to evolve into Swadloon. With its new power, it defeats Whirlipede. Finally, Burgh sends out Leavanny, and Iris mutters that she was afraid of this, as if Burgh using his own signature pokemon was ever in question. In fairness, this next part of the battle is kind of interesting, where Swadloon is strung up by string shot and has to hit itself with razor leaf to escape, but Leavanny wins without taking damage anyway, making Swadloon’s bravery and cleverness completely pointless.

Oshawott escapes its pokeball again and asks to fight, but Ash chooses Pikachu instead, promising to use Oshawott next time. Holy crap, he does plan to use Oshawott against Elesa, I can’t even make jokes about Ash anymore.

But don’t worry.

Burgh comments about the rarity of Pikachu.

Pikachu is hit by string shot, which gets all over its tail and ruins its balance, preventing it from using its moves properly. Fortunately, Ash tricks Leavanny into using leaf storm on the string shot, freeing Pikachu and allowing it to win using electro ball, because we have to justify replacing volt tackle with it somehow.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket calls up Giovanni's secretary, who tells that their next mission is up to them. Left unsure of what to do, Team Rocket gets into an argument about what the boss expects of them, and for the first time since Sinnoh, they actually act like Jessie, James, and Meowth, and… oh, they switch back into their white uniforms and pledge themselves to catch Pikachu again. Oh. Okay. I kind of liked the competent, dangerous Team Rocket, and I was hoping they’d remain competent while still having their old personalities, but I… guess not. That’s kind of disappointing, I’ve gotta say.

A wild Yamask wanders by, and Jessie decides to catch it. James, however, simply offers it some food, and then offers to let it join the team. Wow, that was literally the easiest capture ever.