Kevin Nash judges the Final Battle

A topic made by Red Shifter on the day of the Link/Crono/Snake/Cloud final battle in GameFAQs Contest 2008. It was highly regarded as completely ridiculous and inane by all who read it, but was the recipient of many XDs.

= SCENE 1 =

[Link, Crono, Snake, and Cloud are sitting down in chairs set up in a circle, in silence. Cloud and Link are visibly bored.]

Crono: ...

Link: That's my line!

[Snake's codec starts ringing. He answers it.]

Kevin Nash (codec): Hey, I've got a little announcement... oh my god, this is embarassing.

Snake: What is it?

Cloud: You can hear him too?!

Kevin Nash (codec): Well, I tore my quad while I was walking to my car, so it looks like I'll be a little late. I'm sending Scott Hall to judge the contest until I get there. He said he'd be there in a few minutes, if you were lucky. Tell the Nintendo dudes for me.

Snake: Why not this kid with the big sword?

Kevin Nash (codec): I cosplayed as Sephiroth and told him earlier through the voices in his head.

Snake: ...

Kevin Nash (codec): When you tear your quad as often as I do, you learn how to do everything with it torn. Kevin Nash out.

[Snake closes the codec.]

Link: What happened?

Snake: Nothing, Link.

[Curtain closes.]

= SCENE 2 =

Announcer (played by the guy who sang the theme song for Bill Nye The Science Guy): 4 hours have passed.

[Curtain opens on the scene. Snake is nowhere to be seen, but there is a very large cardboard box where his chair used to be.]

Cloud: Where is Scott Hall? Is he ever going show up?

Crono: ...

Link: I don't think Crono has quite finished going Super Saiyan yet. Let's wait for the next post.

Cloud: Hey, yo.

[Curtain closes.]

= SCENE 3 =

Announcer (played by Cam Clarke): With Scott Hall and Kevin Nash absent, the four chosen by fate decided to take a nap while they were waiting. Crono told them, "Wake me, for if i sleep, the world shall be destroyed."

[Curtain opens on the scene. It's morning. Link and Cloud enter from opposite sides, while there is a cardboard box in the background. They're both visibly groggy. Link bumps into Cloud on accident.]

Cloud: What's wrong with you?

Link: What happened?

Cloud: You just bumped right into me.

Link: Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!

[Cloud backs off and draws his sword. Faced with this, Link draws his sword. As One Winged Angel begins to play, they run at each other and begin to clash. A few seconds into this, Bob Backlund walks in on the fight. He's wearing a white shirt and red suspenders.]

Bob Backlund: (yelling) What is the meaning of this mindlessness and violence?!

[Cloud and Link stop fighting and look over at Bob Backlund.]

Bob Backlund: (still yelling) When I was the WWF Champion, we didn't need to use swords and weapons and chairs! It's that kind of fighting that underdetermines the family unit! You're destroying family values with your filth! You're destroying the country! You're destroying the world!

Cloud: No, I've only destroyed a few buildings when I was fighting against Sephiroth. It looked pretty badass and cool and-

Bob Backlund: (interrupting and yelling) You're tearing apart the sanctuary of this contestment! We only needed our strength and our technique! We don't need your kind winning this match!

[All of a sudden, the cardboard box is raised by Snake. He was hiding under it the whole time. He quickly runs up on Cloud and gives him a crossface chicken wing. Cloud drops the sword and the two run out of there.]

Bob Backlund: ...that's the damndest thing I've ever seen.

[Crono walks into the room.]

Crono: ...

Link: I forgot to wake you. Wait, that means...

[Kevin Nash finally limps into the room.]

Kevin Nash: The world just tore its quad! Good work, Link.

Link: I'll go get the Triforce. We'll have this fixed up in time for lunch.

Crono: ...

[Crono walks off. Curtain closes.]

= SCENE 4 =

[Crono walks in on the scene. Except for a cardboard box, he is alone. Crono simply stands there for a minute or two, as if thinking to himself.]

Crono: This is too poorly written for me. I should leave.

[Crono walks off. Snake is obviously in the cardboard box and lifts it up. He reaches for his codec.]

Snake: Otacon, you told me that kid was a mute.

Otacon (codec): That's Crono, Snake. He's always been portrayed as a mute in Chrono Trigger, but the truth is he does use words to communicate.

Snake: Sounds like he would be good at sneaking around..

Otacon (codec): In the only part of Chrono Trigger that involved any sneaking, he was dead. He only came back to life after some events in the future led his friends back to the past.

Snake: Saving the past from the future? I don't get it.

Otacon (codec): Chrono Trigger is one of the most respected games of the 16-bit era. It featured sprites based on artwork drawn by Akira Toriyama, a man famous for his work on the Dragon Ball series.

Snake: Does Crono have any abilities that I need to know about?

Otacon (codec): He said he was leaving, right? So I guess you don't really need to know any of this. I'm just trying to give you some perspective, that's all.

Snake: On the battlefield there is no perspective. There is only battle. If you're done...

[Curtain closes.]

= SCENE 5 =

Announcer (played by the TNA announcing team): Crono walked off! You've got to be kidding me!

[Curtain opens. Link is jumping on a pogo stick for some reason. Cloud and Snake are standing around him. Kevin Nash is in a wheelchair.]

Cloud: Okay, you've made your point.

[Link jumps off the pogo stick.]

Kevin Nash: That's 4 more points for Link. At this rate, I just don't see him losing.

Snake: Just a minute.

Kevin Nash: Huh?

[Snake crouches down and looks at Link's shoes. He then opens up his codec.]

Snake: Otacon, are those...

Otacon (codec): Snake, those are the Hover Boots. They allow Link to float in the air.

Snake: I knew it. Link is cheating!

Kevin Nash: Let me take a look at it.

[Link takes off his boots and hands them to Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash looks it over.]

Kevin Nash: They appear to be regulation.

Snake: What?!

Kevin Nash: It's plain as day right here. (pointing to the bottom of the boot) "Bob Backlund Authorized."

[Cloud walks over and looks.]

Cloud: It may be engraved down there, but look right here. (points to the side of the boot) There's an engraving here that says "Link" on it, and it's in the same handwriting.

Kevin Nash: You know, this IS suspicious.

Link: Bob Backlund inspected it personally. He was here earlier, you know.

Kevin Nash: That's good enough for me. Link is definitely not cheating.

Cloud: ...

Snake: ...

[Curtain closes.]

= SCENE 6 =

[Curtain opens. Cloud is sitting in a chair. Barret and Cid walk into the room.]

Barret: !@$$@%!)%#($@*$@@!%!)!@$!#%@%!!@$%!!

Cid: ?!#%!#%%^!(^%^!#*(#%^!(!#%!#%#!%@#(%)%@#@#%

Barret: !@$$@%!)%#($@*$@@!%!)!@$!#%@%!!@$%!!

Cid: ?!#%!#%%^!(^%^!#*(#%^!(!#%!#%#!%@#(%)%@#@#%

Barret: !@$$@%!)%#($@*$@@!%!)!@$!#%@%!!@$%!!

Cid: ?!#%!#%%^!(^%^!#*(#%^!(-

[Cid tears his quad, falls over, and grabs his leg in pain.]

Cid: %!#($^@^*(%!#%(!%#&!#%(@#%#%*@#%)(@#%*!!

Cloud: You know, this wasn't a good idea...

[Curtain closes.]

= SCENE 7 =

[Curtain opens. Link is standing in Kevin Nash's presence. Kevin Nash is in a wheelchair, of course.]

Link: So why did you call me here?

Kevin Nash: I like your style, kid. The way you blatantly cheat and get away with it, the way you fight, the way that you're good at everything you do, the way you dress... well, maybe not the way you dress.

Link: What's wrong with my dress?

Kevin Nash: ...

Link: This is the manliest thing I own.

Kevin Nash: Look, we can fix your wardrobe later. The point is, you're the main event, and Cloud isn't. Hell, Cloud can't even keep up with Snake anymore. So, I have an invitation to give you.

Link: Huh?

Kevin Nash: I want you to join the Main Event Mafia. We need another member. Angle, Sting, Steiner, Booker - we may be the top of the business, but we can't contain ourselves to one business any longer. We need another "Link" to the video game world, so to speak.

Link: ...

Kevin Nash: Join me Link, and I will make your face the greatest in Quad Topic History, or else you will die!

[Link thinks about this.]

Link: No.

Kevin Nash: Okay. I didn't want to say anything, but I don't think you'll be able to beat Snake in the final challenge.

Link: I'll take my chances.

= SCENE 8 =

Announcer (played by the Bill Nye The Science Guy one again): The final challenge is at hand. Wow! Incredible!

[Curtain opens on the scene. Link, Snake, and Cloud are standing with Kevin Nash, who is still in the wheelchair.]

Kevin Nash: The final challenge is a "torn quad" match. Your goal is to go into the "maze of nWo" and tear the opponent's quad. There is just one catch - you must fight with your long range weapons. Everything else is out.

Link: I have the Hero's Bow.

[Link pulls out a bow.]

Link: Wait, this is the Fairy's Bow.

Snake: I have a sniper rifle.

[Snake pulls out the sniper rifle he got in MGS1.]

Link: wtf hax

Kevin Nash: Cloud, what's your weapon of choice?

Cloud: My Buster Sword, of course.

[Cloud pulls out the Buster Sword. It has a purple materia in one of its slots.]

Kevin Nash: That's a short range weapon!

Cloud: I put in Long Range materia. It attacks at a distance now.

Kevin Nash: Long Range... materia? Let me see that.

[Kevin Nash inspects the sword.]

Kevin Nash: This doesn't look Bob Backlund Authorized to me.

Cloud: Are you kidding?

Kevin Nash: I'm afraid not. It looks like you're disqualified.

[All of a sudden, Barret barges in.]

Barret: !#%(#!%*!#%(#*!%^*(#^&#!^)!#%(*!%#%!(#%@%*&@#*%&@!#%!@$^!@^!!

Cloud: He says he wants to go in my stead. He has a gatling gun on his arm.

Link: wtf hax

Kevin Nash: I told you, no mulligans.

Cloud: ...damn.

Kevin Nash: Okay, Link and Snake. It's up to you. While two of you will enter, one of you might walk out. The other will have torn their quad.

[Link and Snake shake hands and then go their opposite ways.]

Cloud: This isn't over.

[Cloud goes into the maze at the same point Link went in.]

Kevin Nash: Hey, get back here! I would hit you with my triple flip top rope splash of doom, but I'm in a wheelchair! Oh, and I don't see any ropes around. I guess all that practicing that I did into my pool at home will go to waste.

[Curtain closes.]

= SCENE 9 =

[Curtain opens. There are two cardboard boxes. Link walks into the scene, bow drawn. He gets in the middle of both boxes. As he looks at one, the other box moves. Link looks back and sees the moving box. He follows it closely with his bow, and readies an arrow.]

Link: (whispering) Time to strike, then.

[Link shoots the box with his arrow. He hears a scream, except it doesn't sound manly enough. Link runs up to the box, lifts it up, and sees... Kirby?!]

Link: What are you doing here?

[Kirby looks at him, speechless, then walks off. As Link is watching, a sniper rifle extends from the other cardboard box. Link turns around slowly, and the sniper rifle quickly disappears back into the box. All of a sudden, Cloud enters from where Link entered.]

Cloud: It's time for us to fight.

Link: You've already lost! Can't you see that?

Cloud: Maybe I have. But this contest lost its credibility a long time ago! I don't care about some stupid contest. I only want to know which of us is stronger.

[Cloud pulls out the Buster Sword and slashes at Link. It knocks Link down, even though he's on the other side of the room.]

Link: What happened?

Cloud: My sword can strike from a mile away! Say goodbye to your quad!

[Cloud gets ready to slash again, but Nasheroth (Kevin Nash cosplaying as Sephiroth) jumps in from above and blocks the attack. As this happens, Link gets up.]

Nasheroth: Why are you undermining this contest?

Cloud: You're the last person I expected to be the voice of reason.

[Nasheroth falls down and holds his leg.]

Nasheroth: argh i tore my nasheroth

[With this distraction, Link fires an arrow into Cloud's leg. Cloud drops the Buster Sword and falls over, his quad torn.]

Cloud: Damn it!

Link: That takes care of that. But where is...

[A sniper rifle gunshot is heard. The sniper rifle had been extending from the second cardboard box since the quad tear began. Link falls over with quad torn, while Snake gets out of the box.]

Link: SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!

Snake: I'm done here.

[Suddenly, a fairy appears. It spins around Link and heals his quad. Link gets back up, bow still in hand.]

Link: My turn.

[Link launches an arrow into Snake's quad, and tears it. The manliest scream ever is heard from Snake.]

Snake: wtf hax my rations are gone

Link: I stole all your rations when you weren't looking.

[Snake opens his codec.]

Snake: Otacon, why didn't you tell me he was a pickpocket?

Otacon (codec): Snake, you made me rethink my briefings when you dismissed Chrono Trigger like that. I thought that Link's Awakening, which was a handheld and allowed Link to steal from the shop, wasn't part of the major storyline and had no impact on the traits of Link. You do remember operation Resident Evil Gaiden, right? I thought it was like that.

Snake: ...

[Curtain closes. Curtain reopens.]

Otacon (codec): SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!

Snake: It's just a quad tear. I'll be fine... soon.

[Curtain closes again.]

= SCENE 10 =

[Curtain opens on the scene. A bunch of empty tables and the remains of a party. Kevin Nash is sitting at a table in a wheelchair off in the distance, while Link is standing with Mario, Kirby, Samus (in armor), and Zelda.]

Link: That was some party.

Mario: You did-a good, Link!

Kirby: HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII~

Samus: ...

Link: Thanks, guys. I couldn't have done it without you. Well, actually I could've done it better without Kirby.

[Kirby has a sad face. He flies off.]

Mario: Oh well. Mario'll get you next time!

Link: You never do.

[Mario walks off.]

Samus: ...

Link: Still not saying much, huh?

Samus: ...

[Samus is about to walk off, but Crono walks in. They look at each other.]

Crono: ...

Samus: ...

Crono: ...

Samus: Is that all?

Crono: You're a girl?!

Samus: ...

[They begin to leave together. As they're leaving, Samus glances over at a dark corner for a second, then shrugs and continues walking.]

Zelda: So, when are you going to tell me what you did with the Triforce?

Link: Hey! Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, princess!

[Zelda, visibly frustrated, leaves. Link shrugs, then sits down with Kevin Nash.]

Kevin Nash: I don't know how you did it.

Link: I'm just that damn good.

Kevin Nash: Regardless, you've proven yourself. Are you sure you don't want to take my offer?

Link: I have my own path to follow.

Kevin Nash: You know, I just have to ask you something. Why do Nintendo heroes never seem to get laid? Mario just seems fine with cake, and you always leave Zelda's side in the end.

Link: I hit it and quit it. Nintendo just doesn't want to show it to the kiddies. Don't you remember Zelda II's ending?

Kevin Nash: I didn't play that game for more than a few minutes.

Link: Then we have nothing else to discuss.

[Link walks out. Kevin Nash sighs, and turns his chair around.]

Kevin Nash: You get all that?

[Dark Link, who was hiding in the dark corner that Samus looked at, shows himself.]

Dark Link: Don't worry. With my presence, the Main Event Mafia will continue to gain power. Soon, even Link won't be in a position to stop us, and the world shall submit!

[They share an evil laugh.]

Kevin Nash: So, how about that Dark Zelda? Did you ever tap that?

Dark Link: ...

Kevin Nash: ...

Dark Link: Says the man who cosplays as Professor X.

Kevin Nash: argh i tore my quad

[Curtain closes.]

~FIN~