Commodore's Substitute Teaching Adventures

Introduction
Starting on October 13th, 2010, Commodore decided to share his substitute teaching adventures experiences with Board 8.

Origin of Topic
(Copied right from his first post of the topic)

"My friends have been pestering me to write a book/blog/stories of all the crazy days I've had while substituting at a middle school for the past 3 years. I've promised to type some up, if nothing else but for their entertainment. As I go, I'll also post them in here so you all can get a kick over the things I experience on a daily basis. Some are long stories with tons of funny details, and some are as simple as ridiculous things parents have named these children. Its been a hell of a ride and I can't wait to share with you all the things that have kept my friends entertained for years."

Note: All stories are copied straight from the topic with no editing done to them

The Feces Collage
We've all been middle schoolers before. We know how ****ed up those days can be. A perfect storm of self-awareness, sexuality, social interaction, and cultural pressure ravages our naive and impressionable minds. In those days, the ideal woman is that cute girl in class that gives out handys. And if one of those dirty 8th grade girls are offering other services...its like watching a pack of wild dogs fighting to see who the alpha male truly is. It can lead adolescents to do some crazy ****. This is one of those cases.

Amber and Gary were 7th graders that had been dating for about 2 months. That would be our equivalent of 2-3 years. Amber was in the special classes. Despite being one of the star athletes in advanced classes, Gary thought Amber was one of the prettiest girls in the grade. She wasn't there mentally, but that isn't exactly something horned up middle school guys rank high on their list of important qualities.

Danielle was an 8th grader who had just broken up with the starting quarterback. All the guys in her grade were talking about her. From the locker room to study hall to the band room, every guy was bragging he'd be the next one to get with her. But Danielle had a different goal in mind.

Passing up the 8th graders, she dipped into the 7th grade pool of guys, which is basically unheard of at that age. She picks Gary. Before we go any further, think about what your hormones were like at 14 years old. In those days, something as small as finding your dad's Playboy was a life-altering experience and nudity was still considered a novelty. Like most guys his age would, Gary let Danielle show him the ropes after school one day. He forgot all about Amber and was riding on this high. Until the next day.

Around 3rd hour there was a huge commotion in the hallway. After the teachers managed to round all the kid back into the classroom, we finally isolated the 3 girls that had started the scene. They all looked violently ill so one teacher offered to take lead and get to the bottom of the issue. The rest of the story is simply hear-say, because I wasn't around to see it. But I've heard it described in enough detail that I feel confident you'll get the picture.

On the wall in the girl's bathroom, the statement "YOU **** ON MY HART" was written.

In feces.

Yes, human ****. Someone had dropped a deuce, then proceeded to fingerpaint these words all the way across the bathroom wall. After the principal interrogated all 3 girls, they were still clueless as to who this would've been. So how did we find out this protest of poop was due to Amber and Gary breaking up? We looked back at the camera pointing down the hall where the girl's bathroom is.

The videos show during the previous class, Amber walked out of the bathroom. Sniffed her hands multiple times. Licked a finger, and gagged.

Note by Commodore after the story to understand it better: "I don't mean special classes as in she needed help with everyday function. I meant she was considered to be one of the low students. She wasn't mentally handicapped or in the same class as down syndrome children. She was in our class where we put the "normal" kids who need extra help on assignments. Basically there are 2 types of "special classes" at our school. The ones who need help with everyday activities I never come in contact with, so when I say someone is in the special class just assume that means they're completely normal but not as smart as others in their grade.

I added that part to emphasize that there is a social divide at our school between the athletes/honor students and low level students."

Board 8 Reactions

"what the ****" -CeraSeptem

''The videos show during the previous class, Amber walked out of the bathroom. Sniffed her hands multiple times. Licked a finger, and gagged.''

If I had a dollar for every time I got a girl do that...-TheKnightofNee

Pronunciation Is Key
One of the worst parts of being a substitute teacher is calling roll. At the beginning of the year, teachers will inevitably pronounce a few things wrong. But jumping in after weeks of school have already passed, those difficult or humorous names are old news. Until the sub comes in.

I refuse to pull the whole "I'm not even going to try to butcher this one...what is your name?" routine. I'm cultured enough and have met people from almost every country of the world. I can get foreign or exotic names correct or almost right every single time. But on my 3rd day of substituting ever, I met my match.

At this point, I'm already nervous as hell. Are the kids going to go crazy? Will they disrespect me? How do I deal with discipline? But it never once occurred to me that part of the anxiety would stem from a fear that the kids would embarrass me. I'm getting attendance off the seating chart, so the teacher has already filled in the students' preferred names instead of their full name. It goes smoothly for the first little while.

"Steven?" "Here" "Rachel?" "Here" "Cheyenne?" "Here" "................................"

My mind is racing. What the **** is this collection of letters and punctuation staring back at me?

On the seating chart in very legible handwriting, it stares back at me. La-a.

''LAH-uh? Luh-AY? Laaa?''

''I'm a ****ing idiot. Why did it take me so long to figure this out?''

Being the Star Wars fan that I am, I confidently call out "Leia?" The room erupts in laughter. A black girl in the corner of the room with an overbite gives me the biggest stinkface I've ever received and sasses off, "My name is LADASHA THANK YOUUUUUU"

La-a. Ladasha.

Erections
This story is from one of the first days I ever subbed. I still had no idea what I was doing or how to control the kids. At that point my friends couldn't believe I was a substitute teacher, so two of them decided to come visit me one day. Former students of the school, they signed in under the guise that they wanted to see all their old teachers. I don't know who let them in the building or why they did, but what walked into my room completely caught me off guard.

It was my friends Ashley and Rachel. Showing off massive amounts of cleavage and wearing booty shorts. I don't know if they had intended to get a "rise" out of the boys, but that's exactly what happened. (DarkFalconX note-Who could blame them?: Ashley & Rachel) However, I was oblivious to that at the time. I had a momentary lapse of judgment where I forgot what happened when 8th grade boys lay eyes on two hot ass college chicks.

After chatting with my friends for a few minutes, they finally left and I tried to resume class. I called on one kid to go up to the board to work out a math problem. He seemed embarrassed and said he didn't want to. I was still clueless, so I pressed the issue. "Its fine, if you get it wrong we'll work it out and see where you got off track"

He laughed nervously and said, "Umm...I can't". I stood there, perplexed. Then all the sudden it dawned on me. I sighed "Oh no..." and I guess the look on my face gave it away because suddenly everyone in the room started laughing their ass off, myself included. About 5 guys in the room turned bright red.

The worst part was that I had to write one kid a note so he could be late to his next class. He wasn't able to get up for another couple minutes after the bell rang.

So what was on that note?: Blind Azaroth suggested it said "Please excuse Mikey, he was feeling a little stiff..."

The Stabbing
Let me preface this story by saying the school I work at is the last place you'd expect a stabbing to occur. It isn't the poor middle school in the county, but its not the super-stressful one either. Its generally considered the best all-around when you look at sports, academics, student social life, and teacher competency.

This was about a year into subbing for me, so by this point I had a great feel of the school and how to keep the kids under control. I knew the teachers, the kids, everything. After having an uneventful few months, I was overconfident and guessed I had seen it all by that point. Then I heard a blood curdling scream, followed by a collection of screams, and saw a teacher running down the hallway with her laptop in her arms. I was directly across from the room in which this event took place.

Apparently the teacher, lets call her Mrs. Waters, had been on some kid's case for the majority of class. He was talking, forgot his materials, and wouldn't stay in his seat. So she naturally sent him out into the hallway to do his work. Apparently he came back a few minutes later, quietly walked to the back of the room, grabbed a pair of scissors and ran towards the teacher while saying "Die, you *****".

That was the first scream.

As he swung to hit her with the scissors, she ran out of the room and down the hall. Completely abandoned all her students and just ****in booked it as quickly as she could away from her attacker, taking her laptop with her. He missed his initial swing which was intended for Mrs. Waters, and on the way down struck another student in the head by mistake.

That was the subsequent collection of screams from the classroom. Luckily, the scissors didn't penetrate the skull and the girl was back in school two days later. The crazy kid was expelled.

So what did the school learn from this encounter? You'd certainly think they'd hold a school-wide assembly about the dangers of violence and red flags that might indicate mental instability. You'd probably think they'd call a teacher meeting telling them to never abandon their students. You might expect training for teachers, showing them how to properly defend themselves in case of an attack. You might even go so far to think she'd lose her job or at least get a strict talking-to from the principal.

What do they do? The ONLY thing they do? Give the ***** the "Teacher of the Year" award.

Additional Commodore Note: 

"It was 7th grade and the kid was not athletic in the least. He was one of those short, chubby ones with the wild look that says 'I might stab somebody one day'. Even my mom said she would've just knocked the kid in the head with the laptop she was holding on to. That's just Self Defense 101."

Academic Team
As you all may have heard, I am likely going to be banned from every future Academic Team match held at our school. I'm still waiting to be called into the principal's office to be honest. Everything was going fine at first. I was proctoring an exam, which included sitting there bored as **** under the impression that one of these kids was actually going to try to cheat on one of the tests. If they did anything against the rules, or if they were interrupted from taking the test, their test would be void. They aren't even allowed bathroom breaks in this 30 minutes.

No big deal. Kids are antsy, but they'll sit still long enough to win a blue ribbon to make their parents proud. The parents are still proud even when their kids the only one taking the "Arts and Humanities" test. Congrats, your child got a 50% on the least academic test available and still won a blue ribbon. But alas, this story isn't about the kids and their delusional parents.

I was doing the job I was assigned to do perfectly. I had set out all the tests, pencils, Scantron forms, blank paper, everything. I started the test exactly on time and the room was silent. What would follow that will likely get me in a ****storm of trouble was only minimally my fault.

I forgot to shut the blinds. On the surface this seems completely unnecessary. Who would think to do such a thing? It was getting dark and all I had to worry about was 15 sixth graders sitting around taking a half hour test....until the football team got out of practice.

Several of the 8th grade students recognized me, many of whom know me outside of school. The ones that know me really well all ran up to the window of the room, banging on it and screaming my name. I motioned for them to cut it out and move along. They thought this was hilarious. As the academic team coach walked in, she looked to the window and saw three boys pressed up against the window. More specifically, rubbing their nipples on the window. All the students in the room looked terrified and were staring in horror at the scene unfolding before them.

To cut to the chase, the coach from the opposing school got pissed and demanded the tests to be disqualified. I was sent home and I'm still waiting to see what results from this.

Board 8 Reaction: 

More specifically, rubbing their nipples on the window.

"sounds like something I would do" -Minipoooot

Firearm Safety
Our school decided to hold an assembly today for the 6th graders concerning firearm safety. I doubt most 6th graders in the country get this presentation in the first place, but its even more unlikely that the information is presented the way I heard it today. When I walked in the gym, I was expecting a Mr. Mackey type man saying, "So guns are bad, mmmkay?" Boy was I wrong.

One glance at the man up front told me this was going to be an experience. I'm not quite sure what his qualifications were, but he looked like some mixture of a park ranger and professional buck hunter. For the next 30 minutes I sat there listening to this man explain the different types of guns, how to load these guns, how to clean them, and how to shoot them. Every now and then he'd provide a statement like, "Now remember, always point your gun to the sky so you don't accidentally shoot someone", but to call this a firearm safety presentation was a gross exaggeration.

As he wrapped up his speech, he asked, "How many of y'all have a gun at home?"

Nearly every single hand in the crowd of 11 and 12 year olds went up.

"And how many of y'all have shot a gun before?"

To my surprise, almost every hand remained up.

He finished, "Well hell yeah you have cuz you're from KENTUCKY!" and the crowd roared in approval.

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Stories yet to be written'''==

Lesbian class skippers Hairy female teachers "Did you POOP?" Mexicans The smurf "I'M TOO FAT!" The bird ate my homework A stripper

Compiled By:
DarkFalconX