The Bro List

The Bro List is a list made by Commodore and Lockes in the fall of 2011. It concists the 30 most "bro" people on the board according to the two, excluding themselves.

What is a bro, you ask?
Definetion by "The Internet" – "A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn’t want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he’s got something else going on."

Definetion by Lockes" – "Basically, a bro is someone you would call your bro. However, it takes a little more than that. Do you have the next level swag required to reach brohood? We're here to tell you."

The List
30. Extha

Lockes and I had a little trouble deciding whether to include Extha or not. It was no short feat to narrow our list down to 30, but someone had to come in last. Extha’s previous claim to be “bro in training” was a tiny bit concerning as we weren’t sure how much progress he has made. When we considered him, I saw small instances of brodom over the years. He’s no Brohovah’s Witness, but with the proper training and some slight changes, he’d be going up on girls on the reg.

Sorry for the diminutive write-up, but I don't have any stories about Extha that scream "BRO".

29. Swift

My how Swift has grown up over the years. I remember a few years back he was one of those timid, anti-alcohol, never getting laid, no self esteem having dudes. He was the opposite of a bro. I'm glad he came to his senses. What we have now is a "borderline bro". He has it, but it' hasn't been fully unleashed onto the world quite yet. Perhaps he's trying a bit too hard. Nevertheless, I'm positive he'll reach his full potential in time.

28. foolmo

Lockes: foolbro makes The Bro List pretty easily, but is severely hampered by his fandom of Lady Gaga. No bro in their right mind would willingly listen to Lady Gaga, it's the equivalent of drinking Smirnoff Ice. Why would you ever ice yourself? I bet he drinks that s*** all the time too. And over 2,000 plays? It's bad enough that I questioned myself on his brohood status, but ultimately we decided that he still squeezes into the bottom three.

Commodore: Foolmo falls into the category of what I like to call an “internet bro”. He has plenty of wit and charisma about him, which I feel translates better online than it might in real life. I know he does have a social life, but I get the vibe he actively does non-bro things. He’s capable of being a bro, I just think he might not want to be. It’s not for everyone. If someone got ahold of foolmo his freshman year and rushed him into frat life and the bro scene, he would have what it takes to succeed. He places low because bro potential isn’t enough if the desire isn’t there. Plus there’s that caution-tape picture. Holy s***. That’s gotta be one of the least bro things I’ve seen in my entire life.

27. WalrusJump

Oh, hi Walrus. Walrus is someone I don't know too well, but well enough. He definitely gives off the bro vibe. He's joined us on tinychat a few times, and he's in the aim chat from time to time. Pretty cool dude that's real into music and concerts and whatnot. He's someone that should post in iconsience more often. Walrus walks the fine line between "internet bro" and "bro", but only because I don't know him well enough to gauge with 100% certainty that he's a bro. I would assume he is, though. When on tinychat he's usually stoned. Since everyone else drinks beer, that makes him a unique individual among the tinychat crew, and always a welcome addition to the group. And this from Commodore: In his wiki picture, he's wearing a North Face jacket. North Face is pretty bro.

26. ertyu

Commodore: This pick is likely to be the most controversial one we make. I can already hear the arguments from people who don’t make the list asking if we’re serious that ertyu is really more bro than them. In short, yes. He is more bro than you. He has several things going for him. First of all, he doesn’t have a job. This isn’t a dirty, lazy homeless type of unemployed either. This is a working-the-system unemployment. He has mastered the art of mooching off his parents. “Trey, get off your ass and go get job” “ya watever go buy me more baseball tickets”. That brings me to the second reason he’s a bro. You wanna talk sports? Ertyu can talk sports. Nothing is funnier than the bro whose sports teams are constantly failing and watching him rage about it. Finally, we must mention the bobs punching. Any guy with the balls to go around and hit a woman in the tit deserves the title of bro. Would I bring him around my bros? Hell no. But the idea of ertyu is pretty bro when you think about it.

Lockes: What I've learned from ertyu over the years is that he doesn't give a f*** what you say, he's going to speak his god damn mind. He'll also literally troll you into the ground. I've been talking to ertyu on aim for a couple of years now. Not sure why he ever decided to message me to begin with, but I'm glad it happened. We've talked about lots of things, like him never having been on a date. One might say this isn't bro, but when it comes to ertyu, it is. ertyu doesn't need to date, and he knows this. He knows life is much better without women. He doesn't give in to the temptation because he knows it isn't worth it. He knows all that will come from dating is an early grave. He knows that women will literally drive you bat s*** crazy. I applaud him for his self control and composure. Calm and collected is ertyu's approach to life. An excellent lifestyle choice if I must say so myself. Envy this man. Also, this:

d B l 55ci n Co 8:18 pm people on boards think i was uplaoding nude pics

sharp spoons 8:18 pm you never did that did you? lol

d B l 55ci n Co 8:19 pm well i used to thow not anymore

sharp spoons 8:19 pm i see you drew them?

d B l 55ci n Co 8:19 pm yes i did only for the tornadolayzers ones thow

sharp spoons 8:19 pm ah i see no big deal

d B l 55ci n Co 8:20 pm i made it look like they were either having sex or nude kick boxing each other

d B l 55ci n Co 8:21 pm i still do have them in my box were i keep all my pics for the webs ive done

sharp spoons 8:21 pm dont let your mom see them!

d B l 55ci n Co 8:21 pm i wouldnt let her anyway

25. rammtay

rammbro, what do we do with you? This is going to hurt me just as much as it hurts you bro, but it has to be done. rammbro is a surefire internet bro, but I doubt his bro status in the real world. My reasoning is pretty simple: he spends entirely too much time in the AIM chat talking to himself. He's pretty much active in the chat 24/7, so that doesn't exactly leave much free time for the real world. And like I said, it's not just that he's active in the chat, oftentimes he's the only one there...yet he's still talking...to no one. What's with that? That's not to say that I doubt he'd be a bro in the real world. I'm sure if he went out into it he'd be a standup bro. Perhaps that part of him only comes out during hockey season, though. I know he hits up the bars then! Anyways, great internet bro. rammtay's demeanor and general way of speaking are definitely bro.

24. Kuge

Kuge is a tricky one to rank. We’ve already said in previous write-ups that people possess great bro tendencies online that don’t translate well into real life. Kuge is the opposite. I’d have no problem meeting up with Kuge and getting ****ed up sometime. Dude is cool as hell and I know he’s slaying girls. The only thing holding him back is how much he reveals in conversations and topics online. Part of being a bro is being confident in your brohood. Many of the topics we remember Kuge bringing up have to deal with his weight, his looks, or that beautifulpeople website. I have a feeling if I knew Kuge better or knew him outside the internet, he’d rank much higher than this. But we have to go on what we know and he overthinks things too much to have your classic “I don’t give a ****, I’m a bro” mentality.

23. icon icon will probably object to his inclusion on this list, but I don't care, he's definitely part bro. I say part because he's too much of an all knowing guru and an intellectual to be full bro. If icon wanted he could be one of the best bros around, but that's not his style. He's more into soaking up knowledge and delving deep into the arts, literature, and media than, say, having a drink with the bros. At the same time, however, it's just in his psyche to be a cool and sociable dude, which is where his bro side comes in. If icon were into the drinking and partying scene, he would be one of the first on my invite list. It's cool though. What he lacks in that area is more than made up for in other areas. I'd probably invite him anyway, only to have him decline. Maybe that's bro in itself, he's hard to pin.

22. Zazi

Lockes: Zazi's a bro that seems like he's down for a beer with the bros anytime. I think every time I've talked to him on Skype he's joined me for a beer. Actually one time he mixed a Keystone Light with something else in his fridge. I wish I could remember what it was, but whatever it was, it was pretty bro. Zazi's one of the more relaxed bros on the board, that's pretty obvious, but he's done something I could never imagine doing: he lived with his ex in the same apartment for months after they broke up. If that doesn't scream "go with the flow" then I don't know what does. He's a good, respectable bro.

Commodore: Zazi is a guy I have never once gotten an anti-bro vibe from. Unfortunately, I’ve never heard any stories of him being exceptionally bro either. He’s just a chill kinda guy. Regardless of what you’re talking about, Zazi always has something entertaining to say that exudes a “go with the flow” mentality. I don’t even know him that well outside of the board, but I’d be more than willing to bro out with him sometime. He’s a legit guy that would probably place higher if I knew him better.

21. Ayvuir

When most people think about Ayvuir, Saving Bacon might come to mind. And that might be a reason why he is appearing so soon on this list. As far as positives go, Ayv is definitely a drinking bro. I remember when I first came to the board, he was one of the guys I’d talk to when I was drunk outta my mind. I might also be biased, as he was (is?) in Sydney for a while, which I like to call my second home. Regardless, Ayv has pulled one of the most bro moves in our board’s history. He was ****ed up in Ireland and knocked up some slampiece. She called him and told him. His response? “**** that, I ain’t goin back.” You can’t get much more bro than that.

20. ctes

Oh man. You wanna talk about an internet bro? This guy is the most loyal ****er you will ever meet. He got banned from using the feedback system due to sticking up for me. Long after everyone else calmed down about my whole IP block fiasco a while back, ctes was still pissed as hell. That action alone would place him on my bro list. But guess what? That’s only part of the reason why he’s bro. This kid went from (look to the right) to http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/751/730858560_2076161.gif. Its like watching a son grow up right before your eyes. I hear he’s quite the star among his ladyfriends and I don’t doubt that one bit. Ctes is legit as hell. The ONLY reason he is placing at #20 is that we doubt his bro experience. He’s still young and hasn’t had an opportunity to reach his full brotential. Keep it up cteswag. We’re proud of you.

'''19. Justin"underscore"Crossing

I'm gonna start this off with something I've been saying for a while now: JC's a star. This kid was born for success; he has that god-given swag that few are born with. At the tender age of 14 (yes, he's always been 14 and always will be) he's shown great potential and figures to move into the higher ranks of brohood in the future. The only thing holding him back at this point is inexperience. I believe that in the next few years he's going to have a lot going for him. Women, riches, success, the works. He already takes vacations to various parts of the world on the reg. I guess that's the perks of being born into a wealthy family. I remember a while back, probably about a year or so, JC was IMing me about a potential date he had. He went about it in a most impressive way for a 14 year old nerdy kid. Most 14 year olds that post on gamefaqs don't have nerves of steel, but JC kept his cool. Just imagine him when he reaches adulthood. A definite bro in the making.

18. Icehawk

Lockes: It's hard to get an accurate bro reading for hawk. He's an internet bro for sure, and I'm pretty sure he's a bro in the real world, but I'm left wondering what tier bro he is. Like, is he more chill in the real world than he is here? I would like to believe so, but who knows! I think the whole internet tough guy thing is an act, maybe even a gimmick. ICEHAWK EXPOSED. Don't get me wrong, he's a pretty chill dude about half the time. See: My TNG topic. And also don't get me wrong, his internet tough guy act is hilarious, especially on Serious Business. But still, that leaves the question "who is the real Icehawk?". Just exactly what kind of bro are we dealing with here? Maybe next time I'm in Michigan I'll stop by for a beer and find out.

Commodore: This f***er is obsessed with the board. Literally obsessed. I look at the guy who has the charisma and swag to do many things in his life. What do I see? A guy who knows every single thing about this board and runs a s****y podcast about it weekly. If there was one user I could reach out and strangle by the neck, it’d be Icehawk. E-pop. Podcasts. UOTY. How about getting laid? If you put that much effort into being a bro, I can’t even imagine how much strange you’d find yourself in. Quit wasting the gifts you were given and become a bronado that tears through slampieces in every surrounding county.

17. DpOblivion

Dp's someone that I've always thought was a bro, but he has a pretty strong passion for wrestling. It's worth noting that watching/follwing wrestling is one of the least bro passions one could have. I just can't fathom a bunch of grown men sitting around drinking beer and watching wrestling. I just can't. If Commodore was here he'd say "You know it's fake, right?". I'd rather be watching Lifetime xfd. That aside, Dp has most of the characteristics that bros are known for. Chill dude, likes drinking, etc. I don't know too much about Dp outside of the board, though. Basically all I know is that his drink of choice is Captain Morgan. That itself can tell you a lot about a bro. Excellent choice if I must say so myself! Dp's a good PSN bro too. I'm sure when UC3 comes out we'll be broing out with it pretty often.

16. Mer

Mer is a tough one to place. He has confidence and an abundance of swag. But I also couldn’t bring him around my friends because he loves trying to hook up with straight guys (and usually succeeds). I do not equate the terms bro and alpha, because I feel they represent different things. Mer is definitely an alpha, but he is less of a bro. If that makes any sense. He has many traits that bros and alphas usually possess, but in the end he doesn’t have enough bro characteristics to place high on this list. He snatches weaves. He bootydances to Pon De Floor. Lady Gaga. These are not things a bro does. Mer is one of the most secure, self-realized people around here. He knows exactly who he is, which gets him a lot of bro points. I love the dude and would drink with him in a heartbeat. Great guy, but to be a bro, you have to be able to bro out.

'''15. Yoblazer

Commodore: Yoblazer. Our current UotY. Had I voted for Rusty instead of him, I would’ve made the top 20 and he wouldn’t. That has nothing to do with his bro status, I just wanted to throw it out there. Back on the subject at hand, yoblazer is full of brotential. He’s fun to talk to, comes off as being really laid-back, and is generally the kind of person you’d want around when you’re drunk. The thing that baffles me is that he is not really into the bro scene at all. I feel like could have mad game with the ladies, but I don’t really see evidence of this. I haven’t heard many stories showing his bro-hood and I know he could have them if he wanted. If given the right bropportunities, he could shine.

Lockes: Honestly, I'm not sure how yo ended up this high on the list. He has an unhealthy obsession with Disney characters (Ariel in particular for f***s sake). That's not exactly a topic you want to bring up when you're broing it up with the bros. Also, he's in to (as close as one can be "in to") animated chicks. What. The. F***? There's very few things in this world that actually make me wonder "wtf mate?", but that's one of them. What's crazy is that I think he's serious about it. With all that said, and assuming it's possible to overlook, Yoblazer is actually a cool dude. I barely know him, and we've only talked a couple times, but he does have good brotential. His appearances on Serious Business show that. It's one thing to gauge bro status through text, but hearing the way someone presents themselves and the way they talk says more. If you told me he hosted a real radio show I would believe you. All he needs to do is drop the weird obsessions and unorthodox "dating habits".

14. Seginustemple

Seg is the f***ing man. I couldn't possibly make this one of those writeups about someone that's awesome where you focus on the negative aspects of their brohood because it's funny. There's simply nothing to go on -- nothing to make fun of. Placing 14th is quite the feat for someone that doesn't come around too often. Of course there's always the possibility that coming around less than often hampers our ability to properly gauge bro status. I very seriously doubt that's the case with Seg, though. Occasionally Seg will wander into b8c at 3 in the morning drunk and ridiculous. It's in those times that he can be kind of a dick, but in a playful way. What does this say to me? He was out having a good time with his bros and he's there to unwind and chill until he passes out. Good dude, Seg. Oh yeah, and he's pretty knowledgeable. One of the go-to guys on the board if you're looking for music recs

13. Cokes

Commodore: Cokes is a bro and you can’t doubt it. He’s a solid guy. But I was in b8c one night and he talked to himself for 3 hours with no response from other people. No, we don’t care what you have found in your room. No, we don’t care how your favorite MLB team is doing. No, we don’t care about your thoughts for some random ass album no-one has heard of. Who the **** is listening? For anyone else, these reasons would almost forfeit their chance at making this list. But Cokes if Cokes. If you talk to him, you automatically get a bro vibe. My problem is that he’s so active in b8c that I question how much is reality and how much is an internet personality. Either way, he is a brewmaster and I can’t wait to try the **** he’s made. I have no doubt that he can bro out, I just think he should focus more on being a bro in life than being broactive online.

Lockes: Cokes is one of my favorite people on the board for a few reasons. We have basically the same music taste, for the most part. It seems like his passion for music has died off lately, but he's still another guy you want to go to for music recs. He's a pretty chill dude too. I used to think he could be abrasive and negative at times, but not so much anymore. Probably a misconception. He's a fan of beer which boosts bro points by default. I'm not sure if he's a diehard connoisseur, but he brews his own beer. That too boosts bro points. It goes without saying that I'd have some beers with Cokes in a heartbeat. I get the feeling that he could bro it up pretty good. Basically he's a bro that you want to be aquainted with. Good music. Good beer (I do not doubt the quality of his brews, and I'll be buying some as soon as possible). Good dude.

12. SephG

SephG went to an elite school, as I did. Going to this kind of institution, you’re either nerdy as **** or a bro-king. SephG is obviously a bro-king. He spends very little time making quality posts around the board, preferring to troll people who almost always deserve to be made fun of. He’s not very serious about **** and seems like a pretty funny dude. He has his **** together in the real world and is definitely a kind of guy I could picture partying like crazy after work. One huge negative is how melodramatic he’s been lately. I understand his qualms with the whole abortion thing, because I’d be the same way. But threatening to kill yourself over something is so unbro. Bros are the ****ing epitome of human existence and should never want to rid the world of their awesomeness. I don’t know him very well, but I feel like we’d get along amazingly in real life.

11. Curt

Comodore: I know a lot of people might be upset with this choice, but frankly I don’t give a s***. Curt has more s*** going for him in real life than the majority of people on this board. He is great at picking up chicks. He usually comes around just to brag about himself and how much better he is than everyone else. Honestly, most the s*** he says isn’t wrong. I don’t doubt his legitimacy like many do, but I do lower his bro status based on one thing. He posted once looking for people to play Magic The Gathering or Dungeons and Dragons or some of that nonsense. Dear lord. If you’re in that scene and claim to be a bro, I’d suggest reevaluating your bro-orities.

Lockes: This is a tricky one. Curt comes around maybe once a year, and when he's here all he does is troll and talk about how great he is. I just wonder how much of what he says is true. Is this dude legit? If he is then he's definitely a bro, but I'm not sure I would party with this bro. He seems a bit intense. I remember when we met in the finals of a Best Looking User Contest and I won. He got really pissed. I think he even made fun of me. That's awesome and all, but he's just a bro that I don't think I would get along with too well, which is saying a lot. There's no denying his place on this list, though.

10. Ryoko

If there is ever time when people say only bros are allowed, Ryoko could show up and they’d still let her in. She is cool as ****. She’s definitely a guys’ girl. She isn’t as active on the board as she used to be, but from what I’ve seen half her posts are laughing at people that are good bros. The other half are of her making statements that only the best and cleverest of bros could come up with. She’ll scream after peeing. This ***** doesn’t give a ****. She only adds positive things to the board, and the only reason she is placing this low is she has drifted away over the past year or so. Come back Ryoko. We have a brohaven. And you can be our bromother.

9. RPGLord95

Commodore: Nick F***ing Spence. I can’t wait until the day we start our own CYOA. But for now, this is the Bro List and you place at 9th. For every reason you give me to believe you’re a bro-king, you also give me a brobstacle that I have to look around. As far as personality goes, you would place top 3 on this list. You run the f***ing tinychat and we’ve never had a great one without you. Your internet swag is phenomenal. The fact remains, you lost your virginity because of FFXI. You also live with her, and don’t slay her on a daily basis. I know you well enough to understand your situation, I just wish you would quit the job, move out, and meet up with people that are the same caliber as you. Straight up.

Lockes: RPGLord95, also known as Nick Spence, or Whiskey Nick, is a good times, Jack Sparrow listening mother f***cker. The dude's got charisma, and a lot of it, but he's not overflowing with swag. This is a dude that said he had a kid because of FFXI. I really don't know what to make of that. More power to him I suppose. Whiskey Nick's rise to board 8 fame came pretty quickly. He just came out of nowhere, and it was pretty evident from the start that he was a bro. So evident that I even drafted him to Team Bro after having known him for a couple weeks, and I'll be doing it again next season unless some jackass thief steals my pick (I'm looking at you Justin "Underscore" Crossing). Nick's an avid fan of whiskey, as his name suggests. Tinychat sessions usually involve Nick getting hammered and taking charge. I'd say he's definitely the "leader" of the tinychat crew. It just isn't the same when he's not there. He's definitely up there on the "board 8 bros I'd like to drink with" list, and my personal "favorite people in the f***ing world" list. Oh yeah, he's Canadian and says oot a lot xfd.

8. Brobain

Commodore: For this write-up, it is highly recommended that you listen to DAT BASS while reading. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoGFV_xxR64

I asked Brobain earlier if he could link me to DAT BASS. He gave it to me, then said “Wait, you’re not doing my write-up are you?” I said no and I was honest. I had no clue you were up next on the list. But we are listening to it as we do this write-up to inspire us. Brobain has given us amazing things. He introduced us to DAT BASS. He was around for the lemon stealing. He watched Chyna exhibit good hustle. He gave us jewels like these: http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/751/730858560_2076161.gif http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/751/710542756_25714.gif. He’s one of the most chill guys around and a great contributor to b8c. It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, he has something funny to say about it. For b8c regulars, daily conversation is a lot of the same in different ways. But I still don’t think I know Brobain well enough. He is more of a passive bro than an active bro. I know he’s bro, but he’s not proud enough of it. You don’t get a ton of ridiculous stories or pics of his slampieces. I need to bro out with him to understand all that is Brobain. This bro has much to offer to the world.

Lockes: There's a lot of words one could use to describe Brobain, but one in particular comes to mind: mellow. He's the most laid back bro you're going to come across on this board. Cobain doesn't really post all that often on the board, and when he does it's usually just a one or two-liner. He can sometimes be a man of few words, but it's not something that holds him back. Cobain is a true bro. There are times on tinychat when s*** can get pretty wild. You can't really tell what exactly is going on, but you can bet that our mellow bro will be there, sipping his beer with an aura of tranquility not seen since the days of old. He's like the bro in real life that just goes with the flow, wherever it leads you, no matter what the consequences are. He's there. He's going to drink. And he's going to chill god damn it. Also, I'd like to take this time to plug our NHL 11/12 team: The North Holes. Join us (PS3)!

7. Rusty

Commodore: SURPRISE! After weeks of making fun of Rusty for not making the Bro List, I’ve worked that s*** to my advantage. I got LL access and everything. Rusty, you were never even discussed when we were making the list. We both just understood you were on it and near the top. Rusty is one of a handful of people on the board I would legitimately call a real friend. If I left the board/chat and never had anything to do with this place again, I’d still talk to this bastard. Yeah he might be a hipster. But he’s a hipster that kicked brain surgery in the taint and uses that s*** to hook up with b****es. He’s dealt with more s*** than most of the people around here could even imagine and he’s still a cool ass dude. At 14 years old, not many people can claim the broccomplishments that Rusty already has under his belt. In the end, my final decision on people comes down to one thing. Would I bro out with him? F***. Yes. Rusty knows if he could drive his ass down to Kentucky any time he wants and I’d rally the troops to show him a kick ass time.

Lockes: XFD Rusty. We told him he wasn't on this list and he believed us. Commodore and I give Rusty a lot of s***, but I think it's understood that we're all bros. In fact, Commodore and Rusty are my 2 best bros on the board. Would you look at that? Rusty's name was mentioned in the same sentence as one of the greats. What do you have to say about that, brother? It's the equivalent -- no, an even higher honor than if you were mentioned in the same breath as Michael Jordan as a basketball player. But is he ready to handle the pressure that comes with being great? Well f*** yes he is. If he can kick a brain hemorrhage's ass then what exactly can he not do? He's truly an inspiration to us all, and if he's not, then he should be. That goes beyond the brain hemorrhage. He's had to mature way faster than anyone should ever have to, and he's done it all while keeping his s*** together. Rusty's my music bro, and like Commodore said, he's someone that I actually consider a friend. I just don't know if I can ever forgive him for making me get all sentimental and s***. Kiss my ass, Rusty. And crawl out of your girlfriends butthole.

6. SEP

Lockes: Every bro on this list has at least one defining feauture, and it's pretty clear what SEP's is. This guy exudes swag. Simple as that. I wonder where his swag has taken him. He should get more involved in the bro community so we can find out. You know the dude that you hang out with that kind of brings the rest of your group down a notch? Yeah, that's not SEP. Pretty sure it's quite the opposite, actually. I'm sure he slays. On the reg y'all.

Commodore: When I think about SEP, one word comes to mind. Elite. The guy knows what it means to live in the very best brolife has to offer and succeed in that environment. He’s obviously a good lookin guy and gets all the slampieces he wants. One time me and SEP got in a dumb argument over something. I made a topic about his *****assness, calling him out on being obsessed. I’ll be damned if he didn’t mirror my topic and make the same kind of thing about me. Then I realized I was kinda obsessed as well. We immediately made up and decided we were both far too awesome to fight in a place where we were superior to the majority of people watching us. I’d bro out with SEP in a ****ing second. SEP could be a potential top 3 candidate if only we knew more of his escapades.

5. Alec

Commodore: Alec is a f***ing boss. Let me get that out of the way. I want to go to his place and sit at his bar. This f***er knows his s***. But he is a little uptight. He’s never had the chance to say “f*** it all, I do what I want.” He has reservations that drunk people can get rid of. Regardless, Alec is a great bro. Alec would be a greater bro if he was able to get f***ed up and chill out more. I feel like there’s certain things a drunk bro knows that Alec has never had the chance to experience. My one goal when I enter the medical field is to develop a drug that will let Alec drink. People this bro shouldn’t be hindered by things out of their control.

Lockes: It's everyone's favorite bartender cracking the top 5. I remember the first time I saw pictures of Alec's home bar. My jaw dropped. I had no clue that anyone on this board could ever have an alcohol collection that bad ass. He doesn't even drink either (not because he chooses not to, there's some funky ass medical reasoning behind it. Basically it could kill him, and we don't want that)! This is a man that's extremely passionate about partying and supporting a good time. What more could you possibly need in a bro? Alec's bar appears to be one of his main hobbies. He's even getting into kegs and kegerators now. He should seriously consider opening a real bar if he's that passionate about it. He's very knowledgeable when it comes to mixed drinks, and he can give you drink recipes for pretty much anything. Hopefully one of these days we can make it up to his bar to party.

4. Fetus

Commodore: Fetus used to have an insane amount of bro cred. He’s still a great guy, but the whole fiancée thing has lost him a few bro points. I hate seeing true bros fall into lame **** like marriage. He used to be a fellow Kentuckian and we had plans to bro out before he moved to Maine. Unfortunately, this never happened. Subtract a couple more bro points. Regardless, he’s one of the funniest ****ers we have around here. Fetus is famous for his short, hilarious comments in otherwise dull topics. But that’s not what makes him bro. He’s a bro because he’s one of a few people on this board I would meet up with in a ****ing heartbeat. He parties, he has ridiculous stories to share, and I’m positive we would get along great in person. Generally a cool ass dude, fetus is one of the few people I’d turn to if I was ****hammered and faced a bronundrum that required some advice. This guy knows his ****. My only problem with him is he’s far too bro for some broad to steal him away from our brommunity. It will truly be a sad day for us all.

Lockes: I'm gonna start this off with a picture of fetus that can be seen here: http://i.imgur.com/QEFIh.jpg Check out that LEGENDARY Whitesnake shirt. I've tried to find that f***ing thing online a few times and it's nowhere to be found. That's vintage 80s s***, man. To own a shirt that amazing, and to wear it out to a bar and flip off the camera like he doesn't give a f***...absolutely hilarious. fetus is a great bro. Commodore, fetus, and I had said we were all going to meet up sometime to party but that never happened. Now with fetus getting married and all I fear that it may never happen. That's a god damn crime against humanity. There's a lot of bros on this board that I'd love to have a drink with, but fetus is up there with Commodore. I can't even begin to imagine the fun that would be had. The Three Amigos: Unleashed in Alec's bar. It's a shame that will never happen! Oh, and have you ever read any of fetus' random stories? Dude should be a comedy writer. He'd make it big, seriously.

3. Procrastinater

Commodore: After a long break, we’re finally going to reveal the top 3 of this list. Several factors contributed to the lack our lack of brotivation lately. One (legit) excuse is how much I’ve been working. But the biggest reason is that it’s not as much fun to talk about these guys. I could s*** on earlier bros. Call them out for all the stupid s*** they do. Explain what they need to improve if they ever hope to reach true brovana. These final 3 bros don’t need any advice. And it’d be wrong to f*** with them in front of people who aren’t bro. Crasty is that kinda guy. Sure, I’d give him a hard time whenever we bro’d out, but I do that to all my bros. I’m not gonna try to do it publicly because in comparison to nearly everyone else here, I’m can’t say a bad word about him. He’s a f***ing god around these parts. Crasty is the quiet bro that you have to respect. He has s***loads of drunken nights hooking up with slampieces, but we don’t hear much about them. Because he has no-one to impress. He keeps the majority of his business private and you can’t help but admire that. Still waters run deep. Deep into any slampiece he wants to pick out of the crowd. He flashes DAT NIPPLE and all the b****es come running, as long as ctes isn’t around.

Lockes: Like Commodore said, we've had a lack of motivation to finish this list because it just isn't fun to write a purely positive bro writeup. That said, we're at the point where nothing negative need be said and/or no jokes need be made. Crasty's the chill bro that takes it easy. He doesn't get too drunk when he parties. He thinks it's dumb to get s***faced drunk (blacking out, insane partying, etc.). While I generally do get s***faced drunk, I can respect this. It's not for everyone. If you strictly drink in moderation then you can usually prevent yourself from making an ass of yourself. And that's Crasty in a nutshell. He's not an ass; he's always cool. One might say he's "smooth". There's no doubting that Crasty is good with the ladies. I think that if there was one bro here that I'd take with me to go out looking for chicks, it'd be him. This is a bro that makes this place tolerable. At times this place can get really....weird, but Crasty's topics always set the arrow straight. He's a man that brings hope to the people. A good man, indeed.

2. Realo

Lockes: While Crasty is the bro I'd take with me to pick up chicks, Realo is the bro I'd take with me to wingman (other than Commodore, my long distance wingman). Of all the bros here Realo is the bro most likely to "jump on the grenade", so to speak. Not only will he jump on the grenade, he will enjoy jumping on the grenade. He's proud to help a bro in need, and he's proud to be a bro. Realo's my fellow The Shins fan here. While we don't have too much in common musically, there's enough there that I can safely say he has good taste. Realo is also the founder of board 8 tinychat. I think he started it, went to it like twice, and then never came back. That's really a shame, too. Realo once got wasted and karaoke'd Weezer's Say It Ain't So. While I can't say it was the best performance, I can say that it was one of the most passionate I've ever seen. Sometimes Realo is so passionate that he goes "overboard". Excessive hyperbole; That pretty much defines Realo when he's talking about music. There's nothing wrong with that as far as I'm concerned, even if it's brought up often! He scores on the reg, too. Top 2 bro for sure.

Comm: Realo is the only guy on here I’ve talked to extensively about fraternity-related bull****. We’re not even from the same chapter, but when people go through similar experiences they’re bound to have things in common. I respect the fact he went through the process and knows what it means to be a bro in this sense. That is the least of Realo’s bro qualities though. These top two bros, in addition to Lockes, are guys that I would actually save money to come visit at some point in time. These top two bros are guys that I don’t feel right judging, because they are just as bro as me or Lockes have ever been. Realo can get any slampiece he wants. I repeat – Realo can get any slampiece he wants. Not many bros can claim that feat. If he wants a 10, he could probably grab a 10. If he was drunk and wanted a 5, she’d be all over his ass. A lot of bros define themselves in different areas, and Realo defines his brodom in his ability to pick up chicks. He also has an elite taste in music, movies, and alcohol. This guy is the real deal. I can’t wait to go to Vegas and remember nothing about the crazy **** we do. He’s the kind of person that makes me wonder why we we’re on a video game message board.

1. sess

Lockes: Ah, sess. What more need be said about this man? Prime alpha, greater than you, slayer of women. Sess is clearly the number one bro that graces us with his presence on this sad, sad board. Sess has stories that rival mine. No one else here, besides Commodore, has stories like that. Ridiculous, off the wall, straight up hilarious stories of times passed. Of course, to have stories like that, you need substances. Sess knows how to have a good time. He's one of the few here that have obviously seen the world from the party scene perspective. And not just the "I party every now and again on the weekends" standpoint, or the "I drink a little, but I've never blacked out" standpoint, but from the true, living the party life standpoint. He's lived the life. Seen things. Experienced things. He goes hard, and that's not something for the weak of body, mind, or heart. This is why he's the number one bro. He has "the stare", and it sets him apart. Puts him on a whole other level. Now that that's out of the way, sess is actually a pretty chill dude. Sure, he destroys the weak, but can you fault him? This place has some individuals practically begging to be destroyed. I'm not the confrontational type myself, I get along with everyone. I don't really enjoy destroying people, but I'm glad we have someone around here that does. It all just leads back to sess knowing how to have a good time and spicing up the bash. That said, the three of us definitely need to meet up some time. Jail time, you say? No big deal. It'd be worth it.

Commodore: Its f***ing Sess. What can I say about him that everyone here doesn’t already know? Same as Realo, I feel unqualified to judge this man. He is just as bro as yours truly. When we’re both in b8c, I don’t have to talk as much. Every f***ing opinion he posts is pretty much what I’d say myself. I’m used to knowing guys that are likeminded, but its extremely rare in a place like this. I pride myself in the stupid, ridiculous s*** I’ve done while drunk. Sess is the only person who can counter me every time with an equally awesome story. He is our very own Tucker Max, except he’s not a sensationalized douchebag who exaggerates the vast majority of s*** he likes to brag about. As soon as I get enough money with my new job to start traveling, my first stop is to rage with Lockes. My very next vacation will be going to Virginia to have a weekend I won’t remember with Sess. If I recall a single moment of it, I’ll consider it an utter failure. I don’t have a criminal record in Virginia (yet) so I have nothing to lose. This guy just understands how to have a good time, how to make others have a good time, and how to get out of trouble when you start having too good of a time. Apparently theres some people around here that don’t like Sess. These are the same people who will never enjoy making a slampiece walk home at night after you’re done using her. They’ll never know just how good nose candy can be. They’ll never watch the sun come up as they take that final shot to polish off a bottle. They’ll never make thousands of promises to clean up their act, only to get f***ed up again as soon as the hangover subsides. If more people left the confines of their computer screen to enjoy the life we bros know, this world would be a much better place.