MoogleKupo141 Ranks the 24 Mario Kart Wii Characters

MoogleKupo141 completed this ranking of the 24 Mario Kart Wii characters in April of 2008. Note that he has been heard to have said that he aims to disappoint with this list, so be prepared to be disappointed!

Hi.

24. Baby Daisy
What the hell?

What the hell?!

WHO THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! ARE THERE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY DESIRE BABY VERSIONS OF EVERY CHARACTER EVER HOLY GOD LET'S JUST MAKE THE NEXT GAME MARIO KART BABIES FOR THE BLOODY BABY DS FOR BABIES JESUS CHRIST.

It's not just that she's a baby... it's that she's a baby that never even existed before! If they needed a baby there was Baby Wario and Baby DK already established as existing! WHY WOULD THEY NEED ANOTHER BABY ANYWAY?!

And it's even worse because Baby Daisy got in over so many more deserving characters... the following is a list of the most glaring omissions:

Kamek Wart Tatanga Toadsworth E. Gadd Petey Pirahna King Bob-Omb Fawful Cackletta Grodus Count Bleck Dementio Paper Mario General Guy Shy Guy Fly Guy Shy Guy on Stilts Goomba Koopa Paratroopa Koopa Troopa with a red shell Paper Koopa Troopa Paper Dry Bones Buzzy Beetle Lakitu Cheep Cheep Blooper Pianta Noki Burt the Bashful Geno Mallow Smithy Dixie Kong Cranky Kong Donkey Kong Jr. Mona Jimmy T	 Dribble and/or Spitz 9-Volt Kat and/or Ana Iggy Lemmy Larry Morton Jr. Roy Wendy Ludwig Boomer Any of those kings from SMB3 who get transformed into things Mouser Tryclyde Phanto

and more!

Seriously. Baby Daisy? **** that.

23. Dry Bowser / Bowser Bones / Whatever we're calling him
Bowser without skin. At least he's previously existant.... but still pretty lame, since it's just Bowser without skin.

22. Toadette
I get why Toadette exists, and it makes me dislike her even more. With MK: Double Dash Toad needed a partner, so they made a female counterpart for him. Great. The problem is, there was already a teammate for him. Toadsworth totally should have been in Toadette's place in that game and in this game and I will forever hold a grudge against her for taking his rightful spot. She is a total jerk.

But she's not bad on the level of Dry Bowser and Baby Daisy.

But she's pretty bad.

At least she has appeared outside of the spin-offs like once in a totally minor role. That's something.

21. Baby Peach
...no more babies.

Argh.

Stop with the babies.

Two babies in MK:DD was plenty.

We did not need a third (let alone a fourth)

Seriously.

It's unlikely that I will ever play as Baby Peach ever. Ever

20. Daisy
This may not be a popular choice.

But Daisy is pretty meh. (this is where things go from bad to meh, by the way). She's got "HI I'M DAISY!" but otherwise she's just I dunno... there. She's had as much time to make me like her as Waluigi has, and she's just kind of failed.

Also, this may be halfway spiteful due to Baby Daisy.

But really, I just... I kind of liked playing as Daisy in something once maybe, but uh... not really planning to use her much at all in this game. She's just so overshadowed by the rest of the cast.

19. Baby Mario
BABIES!!!!

18. Baby Luigi
I prefer full grown Luigi to full grown Mario, so it's like transitive or something.

17. Dry Bones
I uh, I like Dry Bones. Really. But uh, I dunno... it's never been one of my favorite enemy types. I really liked its little tank in MKDS, but I would have preferred like... a Shy Guy. Seriously. I want a playable Shy Guy. GRAWRG.

Or a Magikoopa.

But Dry Bones would be like my... fifth choice... maybe.

It has a nice sound effect too.

But it's not great.

Just pretty good.

Dry Bones, I mean.

Not the sound effect.

16. Rosalina
It's nice to have some new blood in the game that isn't uh.... crap. It's also nice to see Rosalina get some respect since Galaxy is the best Mario platformer ever.

But she's still rather recent and I haven't really become a fan of her yet. Maybe after a couple more appearances I'll like her more. For now she's just a pretty good choice representing a super awesome game.

Also, what the **** at being heavy. Apparently Wario and Rosalina are of comparable weight.

The weight in this game is just generally screwed up, though. Like blargh.

15. Birdo
Birdo's cool because at least she shows that Nintendo hasn't totally forgotten Subcon, depsite their total mistreatment of Wart... and Birdo was a pretty good constantly reoccuring boss in SMB2... and a good boss in SMRPG... and uh, yeah.

Birdo's female by the way... despite what the SMB2 book may say. If Birdo is anything other than female, then Nintendo is implying some things with Yoshi that are not entirely kid friendly. And there's no way that they're doing that.

Also she's wearing a bow. Bow = female. Always.

14. Bowser Jr.
I'm still a bit mad at him for not being the Koopalings, but he's grown on me over the past few games... Galaxy and Strikers: Charged specifically. He'll never be as rad as the Koopalings, but he's really not so bad. He's kind of good. I kind of like him.

13. Peach
Peach is pretty cool. I like Peach.

That's really all there is to say.

She's fine, there's just 12 better than her.

Sorry females, none of you are better than monkeys.

12. Donkey Kong
Obviously DK had to be down here.

Because he ranked below the other two Kongs in my Kong rankings.

So he had to be below the other Kongs in this list.

And below 9 other characters.

But uh,

Hey, Donkey Kong is Donkey Kong, so uh, he has to be ranked high. I really like DK a lot, but I uh... it's hard to pinpoint why. It's not as if I play as him very often in the games he's available in... I generally play as Diddy in DKC, I probably play more as one of the other four characters in DK64.... I'm more of a Toad/Luigi/Waluigi person for Mario Parties and sports and Karts and stuff... and even if I want a heavy weight, I'm more likely to pick Bowser, Wario, or even Petey Pirahna... and he's one of my least used characters in Smash Bros.

So, uh, why?

It really doesn't make much sense.

But uh, he's got a cool uh... personality... like in his Brawl cutscenes... and he's the face of the series and he wears a tie. Somehow that is enough.

And he gets captured more often than Princess Peach, jeeze.

And he loves bananas.

11. Yoshi
I should like Yoshi a lot more than I do. I mean, like, I love every game he's in... and he's like delightful and stuff, but for whatever reason he's never been one of my favorites. I like him, certainly.. he wouldn't be above 13 others if I didn't, but it just seems like... I don't like him enough. It's weird.

10. King Boo
I've come to really like King Boo. I like Boos, Boos are cool. King Boo is pretty much just a big Boo with a crown. I'm ok with that.

He's a good boss, and he was like a main villain once, which is pretty crazy. Luigi's Mansion gets a strange amount of uh... references/respect in stuff with like Luigi's Mansion stages in Mario Kart DS and Brawl and stuff and playable King Boo... since like.... I dunno, I don't think Luigi's Mansion was super well received. Maybe it was, I guess I'm not sure, but like... we haven't gotten a sequel yet, so that's... something. It would be pretty great on Wii with the Wiimote being the flashlight and stuff.

Hey Nintendo... Luigi's Mansion Wii. Now.

9. Mario
Yeah.

Mario's pretty awesome (the top 9 is the awesome zone)... he's one of the most iconic figures in all of all of video games and he's the series' namesake and stuff... and he jumps well and he's "Italian" despite being from a place that clearly isn't our Earth and stuff.

But like... he's still outshone by three more guys in overalls, two apes, a couple turtley things, and a mushroom guy.

8. Wario
Wario is the last of the ario characters on the list. Congratulations, Wario!

So yeah, Wario's pretty icky with his farting and stuff, and he's fat, and his nose is clearly mutated, but he's pretty awesome and his two series of games are pretty awesome and uh.... yeah, I like him. I also like to play as him in Brawl because he's totally awesome in Brawl.

7. Koopa Troopa
Hey, they brought Koopa Troopa back. Rad. As a member of the original cast, it's nice to see him return... and Koopas are great, since they're like bloody everywhere in Mario games and they're delightful and stuff.

Uh... that's all I've got.

6. Diddy Kong
Hey, uh, yeah. Sorry Diddy, but you don't make the top 5.

Sorry.

Kong list

Diddy Kong is officially the highest ranked like... main character. Why? Because he's super badass:

He can kill people with his guitar riffs He dual wields pistols He has a jetpack He can cartwheel He's got that awesome karate pose He can drive a car He can pilot a plane He can drive a hovercraft. I've never even been in a hovercraft He has his own super awesome racing game.

Seriously, he is super badass.

And uh, he's neato in Brawl.

5. Waluigi
Some people don't like Waluigi because he came out of nowhere and has never appeared in a non-spin off.

I get that.

But Waluigi is awesome, so it's ok that he came out of nowhere and has never appeared in a non-spin off. I like his laugh, I like his crotch chopping, I like that he's an evilish counterpart for Luigi... I just, uh, like him. It's weird, but I totally do.

He should totally be in a non-spin off sometime, though. Wario and Waluigi would be great reocurring boss fights in the next Mario and Luigi or Paper Mario or even the next 2D Mario platformer. For reals. I actually dreamed a pretty good boss fight for the two of them in a 2D platformer when I dreamed of the best possible 2D Mario game.

4. Funky Kong
Funky Kong, the number 2 Kong is only the number 4 Mario Kart Wii character.

Diddy was the 3rd Kong... and he got 6th.

Donkey was the 5th Kong... and he got... damn, he got 12th. That almost worked....

But yeah, Funky's a pretty cool Kong. He's like the Fonzie of the Kong world.. or of the Mario world... whichever. He just leaks cool wherever he goes... sunglasses, surfboard, bandana, pilots license, super muscleyness... he's got it all.... but coolness alone is not enough! All Funky is is cool.. he's like cool incarnate... but he has no depth... so he can not rise above this position.

3. Toad
Toad is great.

Yeah yeah

Toad is good.

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah

What if Toad was one of us?

Just a slob like one of us?

Just a stranger on the bus?

Etc.

Toad's pretty much my Mario Karting main.

He could be #1, but he left his bazooka at home.

1. Luigi
That's all.