Jeff Zero Charts Trails in the Sky

Jeff Zero Charts Trails in the Sky
Jeff/Quinton has begun charting Trails in the Sky. He is logging his playthrough topics for posterity so that future generations can feel just as confused as his current reader base.

Currently Jeff is logging his progress on his own user page, forcing a ridiculous degree of bloat in the process, because every time he's tried creating a new page he's been struck with an infinite loading screen. Sorry-dorry.

1. 09/11/16

Cassius saw which way the wind was blowing and got the hell out of Dodge. Estelle and Joshua clearly wish to bang but won't act on their emotions for an estimated 50+ hours of storyline. The farm animals at Perzel sound so lifelike I started panicking that there was a Gekko lying in wait somewhere. Charles lost his shiny rock and I don't even feel bad.

Join me on this quest.

'''2. '09/13/16''

For Joshua, noble and kind, farm help means killing cats. Thankfully everyone else disagrees and he and Estelle don't kiss but probably should at some point or I riot. Yui's cooking impresses Fei or whatever.

Orvid needs to calm down about this explosive shroom food but he doesn't calm down so we walk away just a little bit richer. I buy spikes and put them on our feet and suddenly nothing touches us anymore because it knows better. We also install some dank lights on the main road and Estelle-chan's the one who fights the monsters because she does notneed to calm down.

We ride on a mine cart (fweeeeeeey~!) and then ride on a mine cart again when the elevator requires a key (fweeeh~...) and then ride on a mine cart a third time (I changed my mind this is fun fweeeeeey~!) and then some Gravelers attack and we kill them all and store their carapaces for further use. One of the miners is probably a political pawn who is attempting to destabilize the region or something (either that or he's Team Rocket) but one way or another we're off to report to Klaus next time.

'''3. '09/14/16''

Cougar Lady wants Joshua to help find her cat and if you don't catch the innuendo you're probably either very young or very old. In a pivotal plot twist it turns out the kitten was on her way home the entire time. Steeling myself for what greatness is to come next from this outstanding PSP JRPG I kill a RHINOCIRATOR on the Mi'ihen Highroad or whatever and then we are introduced to Unshaven Man.

As luck would have it Unshaven Man also goes by Nial which autocorrect tells me isn't a word but then autocorrect also tells me autocorrect isn't a word so you see now that life is rarely straightforward. Nial the Unshaven tells Estelle to wear a sexy skirt like the other girls her age and we begin to see that everything wrong and dark and miserable in this world stems from adults hitting on teenagers. Thankfully Ditzy Dorothy makes no overt passes at anyone other than every single monster we encounter in Esmelas Tower when Estelle-chan and her faithful dog companion return there to help the reporters get a sweet scoop which is really just an excuse to start flinging prophecy at the audience.

There's a trio of monsters called... you know, I've already forgotten, not going to lie here, but they're ike, Rappernappers? Rapperflappers? ...Fappers? Repo Hamsters? I'm going to quit trying to refresh my memory here because it's terrible to begin with. They're inside a treasure chest and the boss theme plays and they nearly kill Dorothy even as she tries to flirt with them. It's a tense battle but I'd just recently learned that

'Estelle will Estelle will Rock you like a hurricane'

and having been exposed to her delicious AoE powers (that stands for 'area-of-impact' for all you Junior Bracers) there's nothing the RappinHobos can do that will save them from the divine justice that is my fists of fury. Estelle-chan gets a sweet tin rod too so everyone's happy. Except Professor Alba Core of the Not-Erebonia who candidly explains he's not Erebonian and talks archaeological shop and Jeff Zero tunes in amicably since yours truly is a might bit of a cultural anthropologist himself you know. This is when some politics gets doled out too which is good because I was promised politics. It seems Erebonia is operating in the shadows so I daresay that faux-miner last night is not a Team Rocket agent after all.

Joshua doesn't feel good which probably means he knows at least 50% of the game's remaining revelations and is sad. We bring the motley crew of today's adventure back to Rolent and what would you know? Schera flat-out informs Joshua she'd be happy to take his virginity.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">What did I tell you? This is the root of all evil. That seems like a good thoughtful place to stop and let everyone consider what I've educated them with but I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Mayor Klaus' shiny treasure has been stolen from the safe. What a knave.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''04. '09/17/16''

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Estelle and Joshua scour the mayor's house and Joshua talks about powder for an inordinate amount of time. Immediately after Joshua mentions this was the work of someone recent I know in my heart of hearts it's Josette but Estelle needs some convincing. We report our findings to Schera and set off for Harvey Mistwald posthaste. Before that however we meet with Alan who delivers quite possibly the only schoolgirl uniform monologue I have ever enjoyed.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Schera wastes no time legitimately freaking me out on numerous psychosexual levels. All 23-year-old women in Japanese fictional media have several decades worth of experience in the bedroom. If they're 22 they're innocent; at 24 they're back to being normal-grade. 23 however is a very special year. Schera's whip is bad enough but her dialogue is delivered as if she were a right royal dominatrix. Something I want to clarify here is that very few women actually tease men after having themselves been blueballed. They will express sentimental frustration and may even withdraw intimately for a set period of time. You need to be careful to please your mate and I'm not thrilled Falcom is drawing so heavily from the male perspective in finecrafting this. But I forgive them because everything else about this game has been above-average or even good thus far. However, it is when Schera uses "Sadist Whip" for the first time -- charging toward the Vita screen as she does -- that I just about have a panic attack. I'm glad it's over with now and I can post.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">We find a tree and I can't swivel the camera (which I admit to doing so frequently as to get lost because I've forgotten which direction I came from because I'm a foolmoron) so I assume this is the spot where Seiken Densetsu 3 ends. We find Josette who is really funny and her back-and-forth with Estelle is a highlight. There's a lot of smart and clever scriptwork here but eventually we need to shut her the hell up. It isn't a particularly tough battle because

'Estelle will Estelle wiiill Rock you like a hurricaaaayayane'

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">and we come to find that this game's mecha design is the same as Xenogears' which candidly explains why icon said Second Chapter is "basically Xenogears." Leon can now rest easy because the biggest mystery of the past week has been resolved. We hand the crystal back to the mayor offscreen because ain't nobody got time for his ass no more and learn that the airship Lindblum or Hildegarde or whatever was stolen by Kuja and the Black Mages or whatever and Cassius was aboard. Well, that's a pickle so we're going to go collect gym badges and try to find him now.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Prologue beated. 05. 09/20/16<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-weight:normal;">People at the Verte Bridge already know us from when we pummeled their cold corpses into the dirt so they graciously let us pass and we set foot into the Bose Region in style. It's nice and lush here and reminds me of Boise which just depresses me for personal reasons I won't bother regaling you with so we're off down the trail and what do we chance upon first but the Scorpion King? Apparently he's a mark but I'm still far from Bose so we just say "heck with it" and try to kill him anyway. Things go south fast when Estelle fails to rock him or his flunkies like a hurricane so we run like rabbits and live to fight another day. <span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Schera says it will take us half a day to reach Bose but in real-life terms it's roughly eleven minutes and that's counting all the pitiful monster swine we put down along the way. Bose is a nice bustling commercial city and the market reminds me of the requisite 'big town' in every Pokemon generation, which is pretty fitting since Estelle acts kind of like a Pokemon, anyway. We meet up with an old dude who -- bless his ancient heart -- I've already forgotten the name of and he rules over the Bracer Guild around here so he says some things and explains that General Morgan doesn't like Bracers. We sign some paperwork making us Bose Bracers and get to work. Dutifully, I check the board and learn that a Scorpion King needs to be killed. Well, I already knew that, but what ever to you. I also find a cook in need of Monster Fowl Meat and begin to question how much actual<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> non-monster meat is consumed in this world. Maybe the chickens are kept alive for their fresh eggs?

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Which reminds me, the other board request involves going to a nearby village. We high-tail it out the west side and locate said village. Half the people here are named after fruit which is only the fourth most disturbing discovery of this session. (Oh yes, my friends, ItGetsWorse.) The village elder here asks us to go kill a thing near an old abandoned mine after musing that things didn't used to need killing for a long time until recently. It seems monsters are coming back into this world, confirming my suspicions that I am playing a JRPG. We kill the thing (it looked cool btw) and leave.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Mayor Maybelle-chan is of a Japanese female age, but not so old as Schera, so she is merely intelligent, rather than wanton. There's a bald old man in town who says she's pretty, reaffirming that I'm playing a JRPG. She implores us to speak with General Morgan whilst pretending to be Bracers which I correctly predict will not go well due to the existence of Estelle Bright. Along the way we kill a bunch of small birds and several birds-of-considerable-size-and-girth but get virtually no experience because everyone is already Level 13 somehow. We do however acquire five Monster Fowl Meat.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Before the gang can fail spectacularly at keeping their cover, they run into a certain blond-haired and blue-eyed bishounen chump who introduces the game's world to the controversial concept of bisexuality. Joshua is probably Erebonian but even he can't handle the man's candor. This man is Olivier, and meeting him is the third most disturbing discovery this session. He tries following the party when they're summoned, which foreshadows the fact that he will soon follow the party when they're summoned.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Morgan tells us the Capua Family is behind the Linde's disappearance which means there's more Josette in my future which is good. Estelle then does everything I expected of her and more and we're promptly thrown out without a refund. Schera nearly punishes the naughty military boy with her sadist's whip when out stumbles Olivier cocked and ready to sing. This entire sequence is the second most disturbing discovery this session. Somehow the man isn't arrested on-sight for disrupting an important governmental matter. He even name-drops the game itself. What's more, the party feels indebted to his tomfoolery and agrees to take him to Bose, whereupon he immediately attempts to purchase Joshua's services for a date.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">When we arrive back at Bose, Olivier runs off to eat food, which I can respect except he leaves everything he had on his person in my inventory as soon as he departs. That's right, ladies and gents, the flamboyant Erebonian stripped his clothes off and streaked on into the three-star Anterose Restaurant. You probably don't need to guess but I'll confirm it for you anyway that this is the most disturbing discovery this session. We explain everything to Old Guild Dude (except everything involving Olivier, because we're not monsters) and pick up some new requests. I run off to Round 2 with the Scorpion King and this time he's toast. I turn off Leon's PlayStation Vita and begin typing nonsense.

06. 09/22/16

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Ooh, la, la, it appears I have just enough time after all.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Everyone banded together to slay some more high-risk monsters on the road. One of them was an Amber Turtle, but in true Trails fashion there were actually six Amber Turtles! It didn't matter one bit however because I'd already fought sixteen of the damn things when I decided to let my adventurer's spirit spirit me away to Amberl Tower. Everyone heard a voice emanating from several stories up! I thought perhaps I'd stumbled upon Sky Bandit tomfoolery earlier than anticipated! But it turned out to be Professor Alba! We rescued him from some hooligans and showed him the door. Secured some sweet chain mail and other assorted goodies too. He even said he'd send us some dough, but when I finally got around to reporting in with the Bracers Guild this morning, no dough had been sent. But I don't mind because Alba is an intellectual!

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Moving back to Ravennue Village, there was some slight confusion when the elder at first wondered if we'd perhaps been sent to deal with a certain monster. But I'm a hooligan so that monster had already been dealt with! We've already been here, elder-sama! You're old so your memory must be going! Anyway, we checked out the mine, but it was locked. Estelle used her natural Pokemon abilities to detect a slight draft so we rolled back and asked for a really old key to get inside with. Pretty soon we were face-to-face with Kyle, one of the Capua siblings! It wasn't a hard fight and that had nothing to do with Estelle rocking anyone like a Hurricane (which she did do, I should note) but after investigating the Linde for a little bit we were framed as Sky Bandit collaborators by General Morgan himself! Everyone agreed to be quite miffed but no amount of miffing could save us from a night behind bars.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">In the morning, the gracious and divine Mayor Maybelle graced us with a full pardon. General Morgan wanted confirmation that Estelle and Joshua are in fact Cassius' kids so that he could fume off-screen again. Olivier tags along because he stole some wine which is good enough for Maybelle (nobody's perfect I suppose but she's golden otherwise so far) and we get the scoop on a burglary in the South Block. Do some bumping and it's Nial and Dorothy again talking shop about the hit. The game manages to acknowledge that Nial and Olivier have yet to meet which impresses me enough to refrain from making any especially snide remarks about basically anything this session.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Some soldiers try to meow some threats at us but one Colonel Alan Richard (and a mysterious female sidekick we'll affectionately dub 'Miang Pellegri' until further notice) barks some orders at them to make like a duck and skedaddle. Colonel Richard is a nice blond man who looks a bit like Olivier who naturally notices how nice Richard looks as a result. Thankfully this occurs after the colonel and Miang Pellegri are off-screen sparing me from a headache I'd have to bear heading into a post-op checkup with my doctor in a little bit. <span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''07. '09/25/16'' <span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">stelle catches a rainbow trout at a homey little lakeside fishing villa in the next exciting update of Trails in the Sky: First Chapter. The local fishing freak tells everyone about his hot scoop so we rent a room and wait for nightfall to confirm said hot scoop as genuine. Schera gets wasted and takes Olivier to hell with her which leaves the adults of the party to talk about their feelings out by the pier. Joshua has read a difficult book which is ten Trails-font pages which is actually one real-world page but this is a fantasy Japanese roleplaying game so I understand we are supposed to pretend the book is much longer and I will acquiesce to Falcom's demands on this matter. <span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Josette and Kyle appear and chat it up with a mildly-masked informant whose terrible sense of style and somewhat cryptic manner of speech can only mean one thing: he's in Grahf's employ. I hadn't expected a Xenogears crossover quite so quickly but I will take it. Something strange happens when the game has me head to the highway only to then assume direct control and deposit me precisely one screen down -- candidly explaining that we located the Sky Bandits' airship down yonder. I appreciate the expediency but really Falcom it's okay I could have found this I promise.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Olivier, having dutifully puked in the name of the mission, arrives at the scene and suggests we all stow away aboard the airship. Estelle hides beneath a staircase but I don't know where anyone else meant meaning they all must be enemy spies.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> We fight our way through rat and plant and man alike and even come upon a certain jeweled ring en route to the Capua saga climax. Every single hostage has dialogue because Trails writers really enjoy their craft. Once we locate the Capua siblings, we can easily discern that Don is having a No Good Very Bad Day when he throws an unidentifiable piece of debris at poor hapless surfer bro Kyle. With pangs of sympathy, I proceed to kick everyone's asses without discretion. It's not a hard fight because

'Estelle will Estelle will Rock you like a hurricayayayane-uh'

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">which you probably thought I'd stop typing by now but it's still a true statement and why would I lie? Don's eerie red eyes disappear meaning he's no longer under the influence of whichever nefarious JRPG force he'd come into contact with (my bet's on crack cocaine) but it doesn't matter because he still has to answer for his crimes. He instructs Kyle to toss a "standard smoke device" (thanks, Joshua) and we have to backtrack through the dungeon. Come to find, however, that the army's Colonel Richard and his assistant (who I am still referring to as Miang Pellegri until further notice) have trapped the Sky Bandit leaders in a pincer op. General Morgan grumbles in distress when he discovers Bracers; thankfully, Richard sets the record straight. Estelle is a little bit bitter that her team doesn't get any credit for doing the heavy lifting here and I try to imagine if Geralt of Rivia ever had these sorts of breakdowns what kind of series The Witcher might become.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Oh, yeah, and Cassius Bright is nowhere to be found because he got off the Linde shortly before its departure.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">A letter and parcel arrive in the mail and the Bracers briefly deliberate whether or not they should open the parcel since it was addressed to Cassius. With a great collective "why not?" they proceed to open them both; the letter explains to the Bright pseudo-siblings that Papa Cassius has some 'bidness to 'tend to so be good, whilst the parcel is an ancient orbment, a relic from before the great apocalyptic crisis which will no doubt be detailed at some point in the games and probably has to do with technology reaching a certain level before a mysterious organization wipes the slate clean, if I had to guess right now. Which I don't, but I've written this anyway, so, live boldly, my friends.

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">The chapter ends as Estelle and Joshua decide to travel by foot in exploring the kingdom they serve. It's interesting because I expected the airliners to remain out-of-service in order to facilitate an explanation for all the RPG hiking, but I guess this is explanation enough. It's oddly refreshing. I dig, I think. Schera takes Olivier back to Rolent, allegedly because he wants to eat food there, which I can respect. But it turns out, he's an enemy spy<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">, which means I was right about someone<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> being an enemy spy, and naturally it'd be him. (Although Joshua has clearly got it goin' on, too, but he probably just reports to Emperor Cain or something.) Schera shrugs it off, sorta, although she's obviously going to keep even closer tabs on him now. Which is sort of a play on words because bar tabs. If you laugh at that sentence I am sorry.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Back in The Adventures of Estelle-chan and Friend, the dynamic duo enters the Ruan region only to have another run-in with LargeLongSword the Unflappable. LargeLongSword has a real name but I forgot it already. Oh, lawd, no, I can't do this to you people; I'm going to look up his name. Okay, I've looked it up. I'm talking about Agate.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> What a name. It's literally a gate. Uh, anyway. Agate continues to be a jerk and then falls asleep. Promptly, "wolves" attack (the game calls them wolves but they're clearly hellspawn) and we team up with a gate to hold the gate. Yeah. Agate is strong, being that he's Level 22, which currently impresses our Level 16 intrepids. Then he leaves. Bracer business. We wouldn't understand because we're just Bracers. He's fulfilling his JRPG trope rather splendidly and I genuinely miss his unsanctioned buffoonery.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Estelle sees the ocean and tells Joshua to look -- it's the ocean. We stumble upon a lighthouse which opens up a quest to dispatch some monsters. The monsters are actually kind of irritating but we win and level up to 17. The old man here is funny. Then we leave. Already, the foes in this area are dropping very little experience, but I do run out onto the set of Final Fantasy VIII's opening cinematic and find two Tear Balms. A bit further into the region, we find Manoria Village, and there's a purple-chan here who apologies for being bumped-into. Estelle eats a ham sandwich and Joshua eats some seafood paella. I don't know what paella is despite a background in cultural anthropology so I look it up on the internet. Paella is a Valencian rice dish with ancient roots that originated in its modern form in the mid-19th century near Albufera lagoon on the east coast of Spain adjacent to the city of Valencia. Cool. Obviously this isn't paella's background in-universe however but it's a linguistic start<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">, okay?

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">A heterochromic kid apologies for getting bumped-into, too, and then Estelle's Bracer emblem is stolen. She "grr" and "grr" and "grr" some more until we learn that the heterochromic is from a nearby orphanage. But she still "grr" because she still angry so we go to the orphanage and find the heterochromic kid and he claims Estelle is a pervert of the child-abuse variety no less than three times in a single minute's dialogue but Matron Theresa (who is described as "motherly") intervenes. Kloe, the aforementioned purple-chan, joins the party as an NPC on the road to Ruan after some delicious apple pie and herbal tea and I want to take this opportunity to point out that I am eminently aware of every single thing Estelle has eaten today and if that's not dedication to detail in a JRPG then I don't know what is.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">I turn off the power button on the PlayStation Vita and go to sleep. When I awaken, I pen nonsense. 08. 09/28/16<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-weight:normal;">Ruan is cool and it has a bridge and everyone stares at the bridge in wonder and disbelief but I grew up in Tampa Bay so I just wince every time I see a bridge because it means traffic which means needing to leave home extra-early so I try to be a good sport and let Estelle's wide-eyed wondrous gaze translate into good-natured cheer for yours truly but it's difficult so I surrender to my own personal inadequacies. Elsewhere, we kill some monsters on the Aurian Highroad. I like the way "Aurian Highroad" sounds so I speak it aloud and feel a certain power. There is no certain power in these monsters however nor any particular challenge in the things I encounter in the Sapphirl Tower. I had half-expected the professor to pop up here but no dice. Instead I find a Flamberge and incorrectly assume it's for Agate. <span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Trouble at the orphanage! Multiple confirmed sightings of the orphanage exploding! It's a lovely day in beautiful seaside Ruan with new Bracer recruiter Jean and a mayor and his blue-haired steward and a run-in with coarse-tongued Ravens until Estelle and Joshua hear-tell of an orphanage having verily exploded! Everything ends -- and everything begins.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Mercifully, the children and the wonderful motherly Matron Theresa all escape unscathed. We learn about a man named Joseph who was once alive but now he's dead and of a silver-haired man in his late twenties whose weary countenance suggests an age far older than such. If there were any normalcy in the wide world of JRPGs the man's silver hair<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">would be reason enough but you know how that goes. The mayor is quick to offer Theresa a place to stay and a strange and awkward part of me tickles my own funny bone as I contemplate the odds that either he or his assistant are behind all this. I amateurishly mention this when Joshua asks Estelle what she thinks and receive fewer battle points for my alleged buffoonery.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">But who is the bigger buffoon: the buffoon or the heterochromic tomfoolerist? We ask that question to ourselves in solemnity as our neighborhood favorite Tom Sawyer kid goes off and gets himself into a heaping helping of trouble with the Ravens. Estelle and Joshua tell Kloe to stand back and I'm like "yes, please do, I don't want another escort battle" but then Kloe draws a sword and I'm like "Flamberge is for her instead" and everything crystallizes in my mind. Epiphany in-hand, we knock them all down, and I'm not going to tell you how handy Estelle's Hurricane is this time because Aerial and Flame Lance and Flicker are all even handier. But do know this, friends: Estelle did rock them like a Hurricane twice. OK, I guess I've told you. So sue me.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Agate swings by and beats everyone up and reveals himself as the former leader of the Ravens and then steals the case and walks away. what ever to you swifty may be estelle n joshua dont have life dont have job but who need that any way. Estelle's pretty bummed but Kloe offers the dynamic duo a place in her upcoming slice-of-life episode so we gladly agree and eagerly anticipate ultra-happy fun times for all and good cheer. Too late does Joshua realize he's undoubtedly been tapped as the romantic lead opposite Kloe. The plot, friends, it thickens into a most salubrious oatmeal.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Speaking of which, damn, is cooking OP in this game or what?

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''09. '09/29/16''

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Persona 5 in the Sky on today's installment of Jeff Zero Still Hasn't Stopped Playing. I look upon ye quests and fulfill, merrily in some cases and angrily in others, for it must be said dear friends that a certain man of such distasteful candor I willfully forgot to mention him at all in the previous update has indeed returned to frustrate Estelle Bright and Quinton O'Connor both.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">That man is Duke Dunan and in any other game he'd be "Gebler Geek" Shakhan. Didn't think I'd let a whole week pass without a Xenogears reference, right? Good. Well anyway, here in Trails Land, at least for now the man is naught but a habitual nuisance. Previously he'd booked our room at Hotel Blanche and today he's gone and booked an entire military outpost to do with as he pleases. Joshua is... punched? I think? Maybe? By one of the protesters when we arrive at the scene. I can't really tell what's going on in that bit because it doesn't look like anything much happened but then Estelle and Kloe are concerned and ask him if he's alright. Traveler Lives Matter so Joshua holds off the disgruntled horde as Estelle is de facto elected into the office of calming down Dunan by way of words.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Needless to say, she fails. I'm not sure whether there was a proper way of handling this confrontation (there probably is) but it's far more in-character for Estelle to resort to staff-terror tactics anyway so I have zero qualms with failing to diplomatically subdue the target. Instead, the entire garrison is in shock and awe at Estelle's splendor, and I giggle in a manly fashion at a job well done. Dunan, for the record, is confirmed to still be breathing, much to our collective chagrin. Admit it, Joshua, you're chagrined.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Joshua won't admit it but he's chagrined. Trust.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">But why did noble Jeff Zero mention Persona 5, you might ask? Or perhaps your memory is impeccable and your wavelength not so far removed from yours truly and you know precisely where this is heading. Or perhaps not. A candelabra was stolen from the mayor's manse! This is unacceptable and immediately I blame his blue-haired steward. I am still not entirely at-ease with this man and I'm not sure why. Mayhap blue hair unsettles me. In any case, he fills us in on the hot scoop and we spend half an hour scouring Ruan for clues from a Phantom Thief B.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">It is a dark day, friends, when Phantom Thieves require letters to differentiate themselves from one-another. I consistently suspect the little girl named Matilda who sits upon a small bridge near town's end because she too speaks in mild riddles but in the end the fellow proves at least of a standard adult's stature in size -- for he tricks us and pretends to be dock manager Portos as a means of escape! Detestable. And yet, I must show him (or her!) my respect. For he has outwitted Estelle today... and for that, I must say, "not surprising."

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Elsewhere in Ruan, a map maniac (!) seeks a map, but I already found it (!!) so I finish the quest with the very first conversation. We all laugh heartily.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">There's also a dude named Orville Redenbacher or something and he's a merchant we've had previous dealings with and he wanders off and requires rescue down on the Klone Pass. He and Estelle settle their rivalry (ha, like you're anywhere near cool enough to be Estelle's rival, bro) and we all laugh heartily. Also, the lighthouse owner gets treated to spicy anchovies and an alcoholic beverage and I question whether or not a man responsible for such a highly-important job really needs to be kicking back and getting plastered and we all laugh heartily at the possible shipwrecks to come.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''10. '10/01/16''

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Um, so, a ton of things happened<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> on today's update of Trails in the Sky, kids.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Everything within the school days segment was fine and dandy. None of it overstayed its welcome or even remotely disinterested me because I dig the cast and I dig the localization. Seeing Estelle and Joshua thrust inside such a setting for a few days was really neat and I enjoyed running around as Estelle clearing not-ghosts from the old schoolhouse building and helping with the decorations and everything in-between. Goodness gracious, half the game's cast was in attendance for the festival, too! The whole shebang was nifty and the play itself was well-realized. Joshua is a superb actor because he's some kind of secret agent IRL anyway so of course he's a superb actor.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">I honestly feel a bit remiss for skipping over the academy section with just one paragraph -- it was all good fun but what I really want to talk about is everything that happened afterward.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">In the hit 1993 adventure film Jurassic Park, Ian Malcolm claims to hate being right all the time. My friends, I am not right all the time. To claim such a thing would be ultimaterializingly boastful. But when I am<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> right, I can often thank gut feelings more than any conscious intuition. And so it comes to me tonight, after having quite literally held the Vita with one hand for a moment whilst balling my other hand into a tightened fist and shouting into an otherwise-empty living room, that Mayor Dalmore and that pesky Steward Gilbert were indeed<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> the terrible perpetrators behind not only the burning of the orphanage but a follow-up attack on Theresa<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">. Damn them all -- and damn the game's internal logic flow for not giving Estelle the words she needed when I initially chose them as the probable suspects.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Not that Estelle would know what to say, mind you. Speaking of which, Estelle was born on August 7th. That's just one week before me! She's a Leo. Most of the best protagonists are Leos. I'm a Leo, too. I like Estelle. I like to think Estelle might like me, too. It's great. The whole thing's great.

But seriously,<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> screw you, Gilbert.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Your pompous stature. Your... blue... hair. Everything about you screamed criminal from the moment I laid eyes on you and I am glad you're locked inside a shed now. I really, really got hot-hot fiery angry when we heard the news that the matron was attacked. Thankfully, she was okay, but the nerve.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> The nerve.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> So Agate pops up and he joins us in going after the villains (before the party knows who they are, mind, but aye, Jeff Zero had a mighty fine suspicion) and I decide I like Agate even more than I already did because he doesn't actually believe that a bird is going to lead the way until he realizes that a bird is in fact going to lead the way. Calling shenanigans on something takes a lot of manly courage even when you're wrong and it's not shenanigans and a bird is really your only hope in a given situation.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">The Ravens have become husks used to serve the Reapers so we knock them all down and then square off against two of those black-clad soldiers. They threaten to kill Gilbert which elicits a chuckle from Dark Young Jeff Zero but then they threaten to kill Old Man Vogt and my chuckle has no further mirth. Estelle and Joshua and Agate trade blows with them and some really cool new music plays as they do and despite being Level 20 it's not a particularly easy fight but Kloe's healing tips things in our favor quickly enough and the enigmatic soldiers make their grand get-away by way of rope-slide. Agate goes after them exiting the chapter with all the glory he can muster.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Gilbert got shot in the leg and how he's stuck in a windmill shed so I guess that's fair. Estelle and Joshua head for Ruan to go Stallmore until the Royal Army can arrive but Duke Dunan is at the mansion and he's as charming as ever. Joshua correctly deduces that he's an interested party in Dalmore's sale of expensive vacation villas which will run roughshod over the crisp and tender corpse of the Mercia Orphanage. Turns out, Dalmore sucks at living, and he owes a metric ton of mira, so he got into heavy-duty embezzlement and is tonight's pick for MysticBrohan's "Why Am I Even Alive?" award. We try to help him out with the not-living thing but he sics his two 'pets' on us and it's actually the hardest battle in the game so far, I'd say! When one monster dies, the other gets powered up to the max, so Kloe kept spamming healing spells while Joshua's Dual Strike helped whittle the thing away. Oh yeah, and as an aside, Dunan faints and Nial is also there and talks and it is funny and we all laugh heartily while fearing for our lives.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Dalmore then uses a Chronos Rod to freeze every muscle in the Bracers' bodies except their lips which are needed for speaking into text boxes and Joshua threatens to rip him apart if he lays a finger on Estelle. This ties in handily with a.) the school festival scenes which help cement that Joshua likes Estelle and b.) every other scene that has ever happened in Trails in the Sky: First Chapter which has also helped cement that Joshua likes Estelle.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Feeling compelled to believe that Joshua likes Estelle, I hold the Vita in one hand briefly as I use my free hand to give Joshua a thumbs-up. But then Estelle's Black Orbment screws with Dalmore's lovely plan to kill everyone and he hops into a yacht and we hop into a yacht and Estelle's staff deflects bullets and Dalmore almost gets away anyway and then the Arseille, Royal Defense Force state-of-the-art airship, touches down over azure blue waves and Dalmore faints shortly after asking, essentially, why he is even alive.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">A green-haired chick who reminds Estelle of a character from the play (do you get it? The plot of the chapter sees numerous allusions in the play) trots around and commends everyone and is basically a badass from square one like the Brienne of Tarth of Liberl or something. Colonel Richard pops back up, too, and I make careful note of his immaculate jawline and file this detail away for future reference. I'd be surprised if we don't end up fighting this guy at some point down the line and I begin to wonder if the various branches within Liberl's military might go at it with one-another eventually, too. Special attention is drawn to how vast everything is and the rivalries within the system.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Richard's immaculate jawline comes into play far sooner than I'd anticipated when an intermission of sorts chronicles Agate's ass-kickery against those two black-clad bastards which culminates in a duel with the masked commander. You may remember him as someone I previously insisted must surely work for Grahf -- and now I've gone and referenced Xenogears in literally the last paragraph of a beefy update, and you're just kicking yourself if you made a dark horse bet against your friends and insisted I wouldn't do that this time. So anyway, the masked commander has an immaculate jawline, too, and I sure can wonder if it's Richard. But at the same time, it could be the silver-haired gent Joshua thought he saw at the schoolhouse (and don't worry, Joshua, you did -- not only are you always right, but also, I saw him too). I didn't get a good look at Sephiroth-or-whatever's jawline, but I'd imagine that it is striking. You don't draw silver-haired characters with weak chins. You just don't.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> In conclusion, Agate gets played like a damn fiddle and the commander gets away scot free and Chapter 3 begins.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''11. '10/03/16''

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">Kloe has a sisterly chat with Green-Haired Brienne of Tarth cementing her status as some kind of schoolgirl super-spy in the next exciting update of Trails in the Sky: First Chapter. This happens just<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> after Estelle and Joshua depart and it'd be really funny if Joshua had one of his plot-foreshadow 'premonitions' and took ten steps back or Estelle forgot her shoe or something and everyone's favorite junior-dynamic took note of Kloe's tomfoolery. But that doesn't happen so we explore a world map road masquerading as a tunnel.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">I find this one spot in the road-that's-a-tunnel where you can run back and forth between sections and this stupid phallic-looking monster keeps resetting with its back to Estelle so I beat it up for lots of experience and sepith. Eight hours away, Leon grumbles at this behavior, so when I've had my fill I decide to investigate the area that I'd kept running back-and-forth into and it's a pretty cave. "What a pretty cave," I can almost hear Estelle say, but the narrative has not compelled the party here at all yet so no one says a thing. However, I say many things, not all of them sacred, when multi-colored killer penguins with alarmingly accurate war cries nearly trounce us. We continue exploring the pretty cave however because this is a rebellion, right? I rebel, and the penguins begin to outnumber us two-to-one, but we fight on, but at the end of the pretty cave there's a treasure chest with six of the world's deadliest killer penguins<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> and we run like rabbits with tails long enough to fold between our legs in horror.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Having escaped certain death but daring not speak power into the trial, Estelle and Joshua have a run-in with a girl named Tita who looks shockingly like Maria Balthasar from Xenogears, man, this update's Xenogears mention is even easier than usual, and anyway, she runs off to fix a lightbulb and require Estelle and Joshua to help her escape from certain death. Before we even learn her name, however, Estelle notes her rushed composure by asking "where's the fire?" and I laugh for at least forty-five seconds and then I laugh again. I have not laughed so hard in days and I decide to vote Estelle in SMFFFC as a result. Moderately surprisingly, Tita fights alongside us in battle, and she asks our opponents to kindly please

PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">and we're uncertain whether or not phallic monsters have culturally significant doom-preparatory rituals but we kill them regardless. Tita thanks us but not all her orbment slots are unlocked so I can't really say I'm instantly sold on her presence in the game just yet because this girl is like 12 and yet Level 18 and she's really not been prioritizing her visits to the shops if I'm going to need to finish filling these out for her. Even still, we trek with Tita to a dingy industrial basement which is in fact the lowest level of Zeiss' swagtastic Central Factory. There's a chick here who's thinking about a dude, a chick who invites us to read any book we wish in the library-thing (but there's literally only one book to read; side note: I read it during a walk and I'm waiting on this train right and it literally never moves so when I'm done reading this silly little book about two boys and a genie I finally realize the dang train won't move so I cross the tracks but I'm kind of scared but anyway I survived) and there's an orbment shop where I feel pangs of dizziness because HP 3 costs 800 water sepith and ain't nobody got time for that [but I'm going to save up for it anyway].

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">We head off into Zeiss and Estelle is blown-away by a moving staircase. Joshua is equally dumbfounded but with great determination I dare them onto the escalator and then sprint down like I have Jeff Zero worries in the world. I actually do this at the mall sometimes too and people give me dirty looks but Trails' world is inherently kind and no dirty looks are given. We deck ourselves out in dank new attire and meet a faux-Chinese Bracer chick who signs our transfer papers and tells us to get in touch with Chief Engineer Scotty of the Enterprise<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> or whatever-the-heck the guy's name is, I don't know, there are a lot of named characters in this game. Instead we take an assignment to kill some monster out on the plains and I'm bedazzled by the sheer number of "crazy sheep" darting to and fro and generally being crazy but they really just prove to be major annoyances since I've killed multicolored penguins, man, you don't know where I've been<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> so they throw us only a couple of experience points per sheep-shearing.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">We find the monster and to no one's surprise whatsoever there are in fact six of them and they hit hard so we just kite them and cast spells from afar until they all die. Then we happen upon a village with a hot springs meaning there will probably be bathing suit humor in the coming hours but we can't see the bathhouses yet because the plot won't let us so I save for the night and fall asleep. I go about my day, and in the evening, I pen nonsense.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''12. '10/05/16''

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Mad scientists set Women's Rights movements back 40 years and child abuse scandals are pending further inquiry in the next exciting update of Trails of Smoke: Canister Disablement and Tower Ascension. Chief Engineer Murdock has a dark secret but directs Estelle and Joshua to meet one Professor Russell whose grandfatherly relation to Tita the narrative pretends is revelatory but in fact I had already looked at Tita's status screen and noted her surname so I play along with this pale moonlit masquerade and the party gets caught-up in the old coot's latest set of tests. Before long Estelle much to her chagrin is forced to supply coffee like some kind of glorified secretary and it's all I can do not to reach through the Vita screen and smack some sense into this wry senior citizen and thus owe Leon $200+ in property damage. Mercifully, upon test's end and lunch's serving Professor Russell snaps to his senses and realizes the Bracers are in fact Bracers. He's also genuinely funny too so I wouldn't actually have smacked him, I don't think.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Estelle wants to call the Black Orbment something other than "the Black Orbment" and I cut her some slack because she's probably never played Final Fantasy VII. Professor Russell is frequently referred to as "prof" by the locals and I don't know how I feel about being reminded of profDEADPOOL every time this wily sucker is mentioned but I endure. Analyses is in fact the plural of "analysis" and that's precisely the sort of thing Russell conducts -- analyses on the Black Orbment. I have a strange sinking feeling that all the lights are going to go out in Zeiss and that we'll spend the remainder of the chapter as orbal electricians but thankfully the lights only go out momentarily. Nevertheless, the scouter tells us what we already kind of knew about the enigmatic item's power level. Like any Good Samaritan would, Estelle begins to wonder how one might crack the thing open like an egg. Like any Good Samaritan would reply, Professor Russell delightfully assists. What it comes down to is a combustion engine and some good old-fashioned gasoline and I get to read this swanky computer which tells me what exactly gasoline is.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> This is the pinnacle of video game codex entries. If you are playing Trails in the Sky and you live in a third-world country that is not Middle Eastern you have officially learned something today, maybe.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Also, the lovingly-named aforementioned hot springs resort town of Elmo's R2 unit has a bad motivator or whatever so Tita has an excuse to rejoin the party so that we can reroute emergency shielding to the posterior deflector array or whatever. In the meantime, however, we fight some monsters wreaking havoc on the Ritter Road and deliver a letter and a cute woolly hat to Faye Valentine and try on some hot-hot-hot sleek-sleek-sleek best-best-best prototype sneakers which actually kind of suck but don't tell Estelle and a cat named Antoine tags along to expose Murdock's previously alluded-to dark secret cigarette stash and some dude named Gustav has a face so he must be important (I should warn him to watch out for Wiegraf though) and we prematurely explore Carnelia Tower and I need to mention that BLACK FAAAAAANG<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> is incredibly overpowered at this stage in the game and we help some chump named Wong and we run into a man who everyone says looks like a bear but doesn't act like one and then we head to Elmo at long last.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Mrs. Matilda is from the Far East, in case you couldn't tell by her name, and she sends Tita off to positronically diffuse the omniverse up in the pump shed. Estelle ain't got no time for omniversal positronic diffusion so she and Joshua wander back into the inn only to learn from some joker that a young lady stubbornly set off into the plains alone. Everyone sighs their best exaggerated sigh.

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">We go and find the young lady who turns out to be a certain Dorothy<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> and Estelle and Joshua strangely behave as if the monsters are a tough fight but BLACK FAAAAANG<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> ends the battle in a single action so I'm not really sure if they're just tired? Dorothy says some things and Estelle snaps, she pops, she puts that Kansan pink-chan in her place,<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> and then we check on Tita and then we all step into the hot springs with nary a clothing article but for a single well-tucked towel.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Tita asks Estelle if she and Joshua are married and Estelle makes that one face again -- you know the one, it's like, she's supposed to look embarrassed but she mostly just looks ill -- and a series of fast-paced sepia-tinted flashbacks to various previous points in the game make Estelle even more illbarrassed so she ignores a sign and runs into Joshua and the game seems to think they're both totally naked so I question whether these towels are in the 2004 Japanese original. Some melodrama is had and some words are said and ultimately this awkward moment gives Estelle the opportunity she's needed to boldly adopt Tita as their little sister. Dorothy gets sick on fruity milk and we all laugh heartily, except Dorothy, I guess.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">But smoke is billowing from the Central Factory! Everyone is paralyzed with fear, except Estelle and Joshua and even Lil' T, so we waltz in and run into Agate. (Ha. We "ran into Agate." Ow! That must have hurt! How fast were we running? Do you get it? Please?) Agate however demonstrates a single serving of extra-mild compliment when he says Joshua's canister-shutdown technique is a "neat trick." Soon enough we discover Professor Russell and the Black Orbment are being whisked-off by those dastardly Black-Clad Men who shove dear ol' prof into a bag<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> and exit town dressed as Royal Army folk. One sure can begin to wonder if a faction with<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> the Royal Army is helping out. Perhaps the Intelligence Division?<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Or perhaps these gentlemen merely pilfered the uniforms. Red herrings do exist, it is said.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Miang "Amanthera" Pellegri of the Intelligence Division<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> arrives and says "don't do the thing, please" but Agate says he's going to do the thing anyway so she relents. Kilika -- that's the not-Chinese chick working the Bracer Guild counter, by the way, I remembered her name this time, and also, maybe I should warn her about Sin -- anyway, Kilika has good news when Professor Alba pops in and tells us he knows where the Black-Clad Man likely went. It's Carnelia Tower, a dungeon we'd already cleared because not since the first chapter has one of these actually required<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> scaling. Well, actually, there's this one treasure chest I can't for the life of me seem to reach, but what ever to you, Carnelia, what ever to you.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">On the roof, the Black-Clad Men do appear, and we do combat against them and as like before they're pretty much harder than practically anything else, anywhere, but BLACK FAAAAAANG<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> whittles them down and what doesn't kill them makes Agate angrier and soon enough they all hop on an airship (this is mentioned as being their "trump card" but I'm not so sure I agree; why would they wait to escape...?) and Agate gets shot and subsequently smacks the heck out of Tita's cheek whilst teaching her a lesson. I question whether perhaps this is why Roba dislikes him and wonder if Agate has had police reports filed against him by Roba<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> and we all laugh heartily until Agate collapses. Bear-Man Vane arrives as if out of the ether and hoists our red-haired child-abusive hero onto his back and Dr. Miriam tells us to go do a thing. I'm tired, though, so I don't do the thing until tonight. Sorry-dorry, Agate.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Meanwhile, poor Jeff Zero comes to realize that Strega sneakers quest is probably never going to clear. 13. 10/07/16<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-weight:normal;">On today's Trails in the Sky, Jeff Zero learns that it's less about what you think you already know and more about what you do with that knowledge. Special guest star th3l3fty guides our young heroes to yet another level-up and internal strife within the army's ranks is confirmed. You don't want to miss this! <span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Agate is sound asleep, minus the sound part, as a man who is literally referred to as Father Vixen instructs the Bracers Junior to go find some moss or something from a certain cave<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> because the healing powers of the Church (which are probably some long-lost knowledge from prior to the Catastrophe [capitalization intended] and are likely rationed-out in specific doses for ignorant -Lambs- maybe) require this sacred moss or something so that Agate can wake up reasonably soundly. We're being sent to the very land of those self-same multicolored penguins Estelle and Joshua did preemptive battle most bravely against in a previous update. Bear-Man Zane decides to tag along because he hears-tell it's going to get dangerous in there. You don't even know, pal. You don't know where we've been, man.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Except this time the cave is really easy and it's largely in thanks to BLACK FAAAAANG<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> so we really didn't need Zane's help anyway but he seems like a soft sensitive soul so no one tells him the dark truth behind his lack of relevance. There's a massive penguin here too which apparently we don't actually kill since the party rambles on about getting out before he returns so I guess we're not the cruel heartless penguin-slayers I thought we were. Armed with this useless trivia I return to Father Vixen and laugh at his name all over again and he uses an ellipsis in a dialogue box shortly before asking Aidios for aid so I think he knows more than his priestly robes can mask and we deliver unto Doctor Miriam this sacred future plot-point but Agate's been mumbling about Mischa whilst asleep and one sure can begin to wonder if he's a Supernatural fan. The cure works however and eventually he rejoins. By then, Bear-Man Zane has wandered off, perhaps not to be seen again this chapter.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">It's around this time user th3l3fty talks shop with me and in a rare moment of self-awareness I actually discuss the gameplay mechanics behind this intrepid video game rather than inflicting my usual degree of nigh-endless narrative soliloquy upon the poor man. He is giddy -- giddy<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> -- to remind me to check my Bracer Notebook for hot tipz on the acquisition and proper application of one White Gehenna, a certain spell I vaguely recall Leon having mentioned some three weeks past. th3l3fty's singular goal: to see me topple Shining Poms with relative ease. I build my orbment deck such that Joshua comes into the possession of White Gehenna and I also learn for the first time in 30+ hours of gameplay<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> that holding the square button politely informs players in which direction various destinations are situated. I also equip the Haze orbment and suddenly each and every monster's arse is centered squarely toward Estelle's head at all times thus enabling us to coast through the Zeiss Region and settle an evasive score with Liberl's tiniest malevolent force.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">We look the Shining Poms in the pompom pseudo-eye and BLACK FAAAAANG<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> and they're all almost dead. White Gehenna goes uncast. We quickly finish it up with an invitation from Tita to "come on, everybody" as she fires score upon score of cold steel bullets, there to plunge through the carcasses of once-breathing poms. Shinedown. The experience is supple and I repeat the procedure twice until I feel purified. Justified. Sanctified.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Dorothy's got the hot scoopz when she flashes her picture for Estelle and Joshua to ogle. It seems our friendly neighborhood evil airship was seen floating about passively over Leiston Fortress. Swelling inside me now is a certain indignation as it grows likelier and

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">likelier that I labeled the Intelligence Division's key operatives Ramsus and Miang<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> for good reason. They do have real names; oh, 'tis true, but for the remainder of this update I shall not use them. Oh no, my friends, I shan't.<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> We meet with one Major Cid and it's a relief to see that even in 2004/2011/2016 Squaresoft is still taking great care to inject one of these guys into not just their own games but everyone else's too. He keeps stuttering and I don't expect Trails in the Sky to tackle mental conditions head-on so the conclusion is definitive even before he clumsily mentions a 'phenomenon' before the gate closes; these #*$(@#$* clowns have the professor and the Black Orbment.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Wise now in the antics of the enemy, we return to Kilika with the information and plan our next move. This is in fact when Agate regains consciousness, meaning I have screwed up the structure of this update irrevocably; technically, it is still quite revocable, but I don't feel like making the necessary changes to the text, so it is in fact irrevocable. Murdock graces us once again with his charmingly pug-like mug and we scheme to infiltrate Leiston Fortress disguised as a big metal freight container. Professor Russell's positronic electromagnetic warp field displacement conjurer or whatever will retrace the complex particle accelerator toward excited plasma density or whatever so we've got our ticket past the gate. (No, not Agate, the<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> gate! Laugh, please!)

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">I also turn in the results from the Strega experiment and gain my 2000 mira reward! Eat it, walkthroughs! Eat your heart out, internet! I completed the task and Estelle tried on some fancy new Betas which are in fact better than Alphas as a result! One sure can begin to wonder if there is a joke to be made here about being beta on Board 8 -- or, even less likely, a clever reference to Brave New World!

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Agate tells Tita he's never watched an episode of Supernatural by way of informing her that Mischa is his little sister. She says he should visit her more often and he makes a face. Estelle and Joshua talk about how high they are and then everyone gets inside the big metal freight container. Estelle has to hold a pose for Joshua and you can just hear Gustav snickering even though no hint is ever made that he is a snickerer. I note the presence of Antoine the Cat and boldly predict humor to be had featuring the Unforgettable Antoine. When the Leibnitz arrives at Leiston a certain Cidoofus (who refers to Miang [Amalthea, if you insist] as 'a vixen' so it's not like the game doesn't even know what a 'vixen' is so what the heck @ Father Vixen) inspects the cargo and the bio-sensor goes to warp 8.8 or whatever but it's just Antoine -- d'oh, that goofy cat! -- and then Cidoofus leaves and Gustav leaves and everyone laughs heartily and we search for the research lab.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">We kill so many dogs and eventually reach the lab but I'm getting characteristically tired because it's late. I contemplate shutting off the Vita and closing my eyes but an appearance from Ramsus and Miang<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> (and Cidoofus, I guess) wakes me right on up for ten more minutes of quality dialogue. Okay, fine, his name is Colonel Richard, geez.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Anyway, he's on about the -Gospel- or something and oh my gobrino the Xenogears plugs are so easy right now I literally can't even<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> and Professor Russell would spit in his face if such actions were written into the sprite motions but they aren't so you can safely assume he'd like to spit in his face but cannot do so due to technical limitations. When Richard and 'Sister Vixen' 'Miang' Amalthea 'Hawwa' depart the scene Russell is left alone with Cidoofus and Cidoofus is taunted and one sure can begin to wonder if Cidoofus is really such a bad guy. Hopefully we can get him to fix our airship or something later on.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">But then I get really sleepy again despite the tension in the air and it's all I can do to turn off the Vita and dream.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''14. '10/09/16''

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">profRUSSPOOL is unharmed and of as sound a mind as can be said to be possessed by profRUSSPOOL. He, too, is perturbed by the -Mention- of the -Gospel-; verily, we press on, and into the dungeon we go. Here we look upon the faces of the Sky Bandits, trapped within their cage, and it is all Estelle can do to speak as bitterly of Josette as Josette speaks of Estelle. In today's update of Trails in the Sky with Diamonds, love is a battlefield Joshua is clueless to cross.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Major Cid proves equal to his namesake when he helps the team escape, recognizing that he has at times sucked majorly and seeking forgiveness in the hearts and minds of the people. The people do accept, Russell himself noting that it's okay to suck on occasion so long as one chooses to stop sucking when possible. Cid leads us through a secret passage and fools his troops into further bumbling. The chapter ends (yes, indeed, Chapter 3 beated<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">) as Agate convinces Estelle and Joshua to leave an old man and little girl in his tender care.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Earlier in the game I'd be awe-struck at the very concept of this request and forsooth it must be said that user Robazoid likely twitched a mighty twitch but I do believe Tita and her grandfather will be mostly alright.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Russell asks for a message of great danger to be delivered to the queen; get hype. the icon ownz all recently spammed<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> an image into Discord of Alicia talking to Estelle... now it appears this spammed message is as prophecy. The Junior Mr. and Mrs. Bright return to Zeiss, to Kilika, to rest, but their airship plans are put on indefinite hold because the Intelligence Division possesses of ample enough intelligence to put things such plans on Lockedown.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Meanwhile, Olivier makes another man uncomfortable.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">The Schwarz is with Kloe until The Schwarz is no longer with Kloe. Kloe, who has been told by The Schwarz to go with her gyrfalcon, immediately rejects her command and sends her gyrfalcon back to The Schwarz. Colonel Richard steps down from his swagtastic airship and tells Kloe there ain't no gettin' off this train. Not moments later, I'm reading the latest issue of the Liberl News and it is noted that Queen Alicia's granddaughter, whose name is, like, Kloemeter or Kloenoke or KuKluxKloe or something, I can't remember every little detail,<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> and suspicions long burrowing in the recesses of my humble mind do deepen. This newspaper, ladies and gents, is oft read by yours truly but it must be assumed is never truly noted by Joshua. (I'm not even going to mention Estelle; of course she<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> doesn't read it.) For if it were, the party would never act half as surprised. Well, then again, Joshua is playing everyone like a fiddle half the time, anyway, so perhaps he is<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> reading the paper. The point is, the plot thickens, and if I'm wrong about Kloe's ties to the queen being thicker than water, I'll stand by my stance that there is just cause<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> to believe it.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Professor Alba Core saves Estelle from her own mouth and tags along for all of ten minutes before getting lost in a museum. Grancel is great except it shares its theme music with the Jenis Academy which is mildly disheartening but I am of a forgiving mind and try to pretend I'm not imagining school bells whilst exploring the kingdom's capital. There's a guy at the Bracer Guild whose name I promise I will try to remember for next time and at first I think he's a chick -- but he isn't. There are no requests on the board which actually leaves me feeling a little lonely. How might I make time to overlevel if there are no deeds to be done? Not to be disheartened, I wander off to go kill a Shining Pom, then come back to Grancel, feeling purified. It seems however that there is a great martial arts championship to be hosted here in the coming days and anyone who has ever played more than two JRPGs ought to know where this<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> is going.

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">But for now, the main goal is finding a way into the castle. But we suck at doing this because Duke Dunan is a dunce. He is currently "in charge" of political affairs while the queen is allegedly ill, which of course means that Solaris -- erh, Richard, sorry, it's a habit at this point -- is calling the shots behind the scenes. We check out the preliminaries at the coliseum and some boss-tier music plays both on and off the field and we bump into Carma's Bracer Squad (hereafter referred to as CBS) and three quarters of their group has voicework when they go to battle (poor Grant) so they're probably important. Bear-Man Zane is also present and he busts the caps off of some of the B-tier Ravens (imagine being a B-tier Raven<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">) and then Dunan reads a script off of a teleprompter but Ramsus has no time for such gay revelry so Richard ain't nowhere to be seen.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Afterward, we run into Nial, who continues to earn his keep as one of the best-written characters in the game when he astutely and believably complains that Estelle and Joshua are gobbling up his wallet like there's no tomorrow. You'd think at this point that Joshua, at least, would recognize the Pattern of Nial -- every time Nial has an angle, the plot winds up progressing and the good man offers handy new information. Anyway, Nial has an angle, but the plot winds up progressing and the good man offers handy information. Estelle and Joshua chat with CBS and decide to convince the Bear-Man to let them join his Bear-Team so they can bear witness to Queen Alicia, maybe, or at least gain some handy-dandy information inside the castle. If<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> they win. But come on, they're going to win.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> (Unless they don't win.)

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Zane's outside town singing Disney songs or something so we hunt him down to exact our toll. Instead, we run into one Sister Ellen, who is besieged by monsters in what must surely be the ninth or eleventh or even twenty-seventh time a civilian has been besieged by monsters in this game. BLACK FAAAAANG<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> so the fight is over before it even begins but more of the same monsters arrive from due south but Zane can't bear to watch a pretty face (I'll take your word for it, Trails; Ellen has no avatar) in distress so we work together to swat down some bothersome flies. Then Estelle is like "I wanna be in this bomb tournament yo" and Zane is all like "ha, killer" and Joshua says "damn, teach, let's do this" and we run into Olivier who makes another man uncomfortable. He has previously confided (to a certain man who became uncomfortable) that he wishes to see how this all unfolds so he's undoubtedly latched on yet again as much from curiosity as information-gathering for the Empire. Estelle says "you need to calm down" but Olivier lays it on even thicker than usual so she beats him upside the head and sends him flying back from whence he came.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> I gain a modicum more respect for Olivier when he merely makes light of his wound.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Estelle is illbarrassed when she realizes she and Joshua are sharing a hotel room and decides she needs time to make sense of her feelings. Let's hope she doesn't come to a conclusion just as Joshua is forced to reveal whatever it is he's really doing with so much sagely knowledge. Our gracious team captain suggests we go train against some monsters so we make straight for Shining Poms until the Brights are Level 30 to match Olivier. Then we fight in the first round against the Ravens but not before witnessing the awesome power of Second Lieutenant Lorence. Joshua experiences a hyperresonance or something but mum's the word as usual so he declines to speak further of it. After losing horribly the Ravens hand us a key to the sewers and are all like "this is Ravens territory" and we're like, "heh, yeah, no kidding" and we scope out the sewers until I fall asleep.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">In the early afternoon, I pen nonsense.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''15. '10/09/16''

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Surprise! A short second update for today! <span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">The Sky Bandits, also participating in the tournament under strict work-from-prison standards, d-d-don't dare w-wish us luck, baka,<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> but it's plain on Kyle's plain face that they hope we do well just the same. Estelle, kind of heart and sound of spirit, pauses her tirades against Josette just long enough to be humble and graceful about this arrangement. The second match begins and it's off to the races! We're pitted against CBS in an easy but protracted engagement. Confusing Kurt is our top priority because otherwise he just keeps reviving Grant no matter how frequently Joshua and Zane thwack the poor chum. Soon enough the curtain falls and we emerge victorious.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Next up is our hot scoop with Nial. We get super-handy intel on Richard, Amalthea, and Lorence -- age, sex, unnecessary references to their collective intelligence, and more.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Most importantly of all, we learn that Amalthea's first name is Kanone, which explains why she's so angry. I promised my intrepid readers that I'd remember Elnan's name this time and I did so it is with great pleasure that I inform you that Elnan informs Estelle that he'll look into things. Also, the queen's granddaughter's name is K... Kl... dammit, no, it's still not sticking. Well, anyway, I'm still hedging bets it's Kloe.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Also, Olivier may or may not be the Erebonian Prince That Was Promised. Reasons for suspicion: a.) my initial read on him was that he was a noble of some import; b.) he's hiding things left and right, anyway; c.) Schera didn't toast him when she found out he's up to something; d.) that man he made uncomfortable at the start of the chapter seemed like he had no choice but to stand there and take it; e.) Estelle says she has no idea who the prince is because the only Erebonian she's ever even met is Olivier and this game thrives on irony. Once again, I could be way, way, way off! But this is fun. Entertain me.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Elnan also hands us another sewer key. These are like the Pokemon Gym Leader Badges of Grancel, aren't they? I'd call that sad, but... well... I grew up in the Bronx, so I can't talk.

16. 10/11/16

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">We get down and dirty in the Grancel Sewers and fetch fine new battle pieces for Olivier and Zane in the process. And then, presumably after a thorough shower, the team marches forward unto destiny and does battle with Lorence Belgar for the groundbreaking final match of the Grancel Tournament, can I get a hell yeah?<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> With or without a hell yeah, the gang trumps the badly-named bad guy through a kid-tested and parent-approved process of elimination. With Belgar's Black-Clad Men down for the count it's all he can do to keep cloning himself (on stage and everything; eww<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">) but all his clones are about as accurate as your standard-issue Imperial Stormtrooper so we whittle away his considerable HP and then await our substantial reward.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">The reward is of course Estelle's bright and beaming smile but there's also a hundred thousand mira and a personal invitation to the banquet on the line too so this job has great, great benefits. As an aside, I've yet to mention that mira meaning "look" in Spanish has not escaped me, but I've yet to determine how or why this might be funny.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Olivier is excited as the rest of them to tag along and eat good food but the Uncomfortable Ferris Bueller returns and fetches him wayward of any and all fun-filled festivities. I want to point out here that Bueller is really funny because he's as deadpan as they come and he takes less crap from the vagabond musician than even one half of an Estelle Bright. With Olivier gone, our quartet is now a trio, and our trio is met at the castle entryway by one Captain Miang "Kanone" "Amalthea" Pellegri-Hawwa. She makes several faces during our brief stressful encounter and with each fresh expression she looks a little bit more rotten. Relieved to be past her, Estelle and Joshua decide to wander aimlessly, bumping into People Magazine's 5 Most Influential Liberlians of 1202 in the process. There's Maybelle, who looks a lot like Relena Peacecraft from Gundam Wing, by the way. There's Mayor Klaus, bearded as ever. There's... Dumbledore? Dietrich? Dwight D. Eisenhower? The Dean of Jenis Academy, whatever his dumb name is! There's Murdock, too, and then there's this one faceless dude who keeps showing up everywhere I go whose name I can't be arsed to remember, but I tell you, he must be influential, he's everywhere.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">I have a sinking feeling that the -Gospel- may have -Called these Lambs to the Slaughter- by assembling all these sympathetic folks to one prime location but thankfully this has thus far proven one of my less accurate prophecies. We happen upon Hilda, head maid in service of the queen, and make quick-sure she gets the message. She's got a plan, so we'll find out soon just what exactly that plan entails. Then dinner gets underway at last, and everyone chows down on fine dining 'til Colonel Ramsus "Alan" Kahran "Richard" shows his prim mug for all our splendor. I was at Walmart with Leon last night and I told him that while I generally refrain from such comments as pertain to fairly unsolvable flaws like these, the fact of the matter is, Alan Richard has an eminently punchable face. I refrain from punching his face as he prattles on about Duke Dunan's upcoming ascension to the throne. Maybelle challenges his authority and my -Gospel- fears return but Richard seems intent on letting us live and let live for now and the only thing missing from this tense affair is some ill-timed Shakespeare quotation to the tune of a royal toast.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Alas, I've done much and more by way of bike-riding, and so I grow tired quite quickly, and am unable to continue. The nonsense I pen today is of a mercifully shorter curve than usual, but it cannot be said that I am not well ahead of the curve that is your collective prediction on how far I'd get in this game before dropping it.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Except you, xp. You're golden.

17. 10/13/16

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Money's more than just a Pink Floyd song in the next exciting update of Trails in the Sky: Cash America! The good colonel invites Estelle and Joshua to sup on virgin cocktails and what a sentence this turned out to be. He politely informs Estelle that he has great reverence for her father, Cassius, and take a drink every time anyone ever tells this to her. Finish your drink if she acts surprised. Richard departs the lounge, claiming to have obtained the information he sought, leaving me feeling played like a fiddle. The Bracers Junior don their very best maid cosplay so that Estelle can have a polite sit-down chat with Queen Alicia who upon inspecting her avatar I determine possesses the voice of Kate Mulgrew and if you've not seen either Star Trek: Voyager or Orange is the New Black or any of half a dozen Broadway musicals in the last ten years or played the Dragon Age franchise then I just don't know what to say to you except that you'll likely have no idea what Kate Mulgrew sounds like so kindly file this train of thought wherever you've placed all those other derailed trains.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Like Doomtrain. Snrk!

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Queen Alicia is a benevolent royal with stage presence enough to get my update back on track. She explains that hardliners in the military don't fancy two female rulers in a row just ten years past the Hundred Days War and mentions that she's chosen to back her granddaughter Princess Klaudia over her nephew Duke Dunan. She asks Estelle to save Klaudia from the Erbe Villa where she's been kidnapped by Richard's gears. We're glad to accept this offer and we go and search for Nial but there's no Nial to be found and we go and search for the Schwarz but neither is the Schwarz with us but CBS (Carna's Bracer Squad, in case you're a bad person and you forgot<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">) is all over town so we grab them by their toes (including Kurt who Zane's faux-Chinese faux-Taoism compels to stare down the barrel of his own PTSD) and hoist them on yonder to the Bracer Guild.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">It's then that the Schwarz regales us with her presence and she's brought soldiers sympathetic to our cause along for the ride. Multiple teams are selected to fulfill various roles and of course our team is the one with the heaviest task. This next sequence is really rad and groovy and stellar and spectacular and prodigious because we get to see everyone's units fighting the good fight as we jam to some downright dank tracks. Estelle's gang rushes through the villa and we put down at least ten battles worth of Special Ops guys and I've gotta say it's sort of amazing how these folks were previously chapter-ending boss battles because sock it to ya, schmooples, we're putting the beatdown on the lowdown over here. We find Nial and then we find the princess and to the great and exuberant shock of Estelle Bright and literally only ever Estelle Bright<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> it turns out that Klaudia is Kloe. She asks us to keep calling her Kloe and I've gotta level with you my friends I am eager to do just this because I will obviously never remember her real name anyway. A sergeant appears and he is willing to do the unthinkable but then Scherazard whips him wickedly and Olivier shoots him sharply and we all laugh heartily.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Amalthea makes multiple faces, none of them pleasant.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Back at the Bracer Guild, Kloe thanks us by asking us to please allow her to risk her life again posthaste. Queen Alicia must needs be rescued and we must needs be the rescuers. I now have over two hundred ten thousand mira and absolutely nothing to spend it on so I buy enough ingredients for ninety-nine servings of coffee ice cream and think fondly of the days I was able to drink coffee multiple times daily without suffering medical consequences. I still have two hundred six thousand mira however so I sure can wonder what is up with the cash-scaling in this game.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">The game splits my team up into two distinct groups: Estelle, Kloe, and Scherazard (hereafter referred to as "Final Fantasy X-2") and Joshua, Olivier, and Zane (hereafter referred to as "Final Fantasy XV") and we're off to the races. Final Fantasy XV descends into the Grancel Sewers and finds a hidden door I myself had already found. Final Fantasy XV acts surprised and I'm really not sure why because the hidden door has been glowing<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> this entire time. Final Fantasy X-2 is a much harder game because there are multiple boss fights including the biggest challenge Trails has thus far thrown at me.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">First there is Amalthea but she's a chump. Then there is Dunan but if you're expecting him to be a more capable fighter than Amalthea then I don't know what to tell you except that perhaps you are a chump. But Second Lieutenant Lorence Belgar surprises Queen Alicia by spouting political philosophy (indeed my friends it becomes clear to me now that Alicia has never played a JRPG) and then he removes his helmet and Estelle says he's got silver hair but Scherazard corrects her by calling it ashen blond but I correct Scherazard because I have ashen blond hair and it sure as Schera doesn't look that cool<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">) but it's a moot point anyway because the duel begins and this sucker is no sucker at all. He moves well, he heals well, and he's got an S-Break of his very own and it keeps confusing Kloe. The bloodbath wages on and on and on but Estelle's Barrage continuously lowers his HP in-between his bouts of curative spellcasting. I use up two-thirds of my Reviving Balms and even eat some Potluck-in-a-Shell and I sure can begin to wonder if I'm not supposed to win but Estelle says "this ends here" and his HP is reduced to zero. Scherazard says "oh, are we done already?" and I get flashbacks to early topic updates when it was all I could do to comment nigh-endlessly on the ridiculous dominatrix dialogue but it's absurd that she'd say this no matter how you slice it considering she has been rendered unconscious at least seven times today.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Lorence kicks us around anyway because the plot demands justice and then he bids us adieu and I find myself questioning the location of France in this world and figure it exists within the heart of Olivier. Final Fantasy XV appears and Queen Alicia talks about the Aureole which is another term for corona according to Merriam-Webster and I think these are two of my all-time favorite words. Agate appears and Tita and Professor Russell pass through it. Everyone's reunited and there's just cause for freaking out because Colonel Richard's gone underground to find the -Shining Ring- of the -Gospel- and if that ain't an end-of-disc-one statement then I don't know what is. For the first time in recorded (post-Cataclysm) history I'm given the option to switch my party on the fly too and Professor Russell even kindly offers to sell me things. But none of these things are worth buying. This is not a crisis I have ever dealt with in real life. I am torn. I am shattered. I am shaking.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">I now have well over two hundred sixty-five thousand mira and this bastard won't even sell me flour.

18. 10/15/16 ~*~FINAL FIRST CHAPTER UPDATE~*~

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Thousands of years ago, technologically savvy men of a curiously lacking sensibility decided to build death-dealing machines but named them all Broken Piece. As the season finale of Trails in the Sky arrives, a choice is made and a kiss is worth pressing criminal charges over. A long-lurking patriarch makes atmospheric re-entry and a giant robot proves the icon ownz all's thesis that Trails is Xenogears once and for all. Everything ends and everything begins in the thrilling conclusion that isn't a conclusion.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Some mechs are fought and some mechs are fled-from and it all comes down to how much I feel like stockpiling now-useless sepith. Exploration is a four-syllable word for bomb-diggity loot because everyone equips their finest Strength +120 get-ups. What a bunch of studs. Agate appears and Kloe passes through it; Estelle and Joshua team up with them to take on Amalthea. She says she's made significant progress controlling the machines but then they blow themselves up and we all laugh heartily except for Amalthea who is unconscious. Refusing to learn from grievous past mistakes, the Bracers trust that she will not attempt a wicked exit for the second time in as many days. I am going to jump ahead here my friends and inform you in as polite a manner as possible that Amalthea does in fact exit wickedly anew.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Agate makes way for Olivier and if you're pronouncing these names properly you'll find that that rhymes. People start literally referencing that this is the end but they're all wrong anyway because there is apparently an even longer game to come. We spy Colonel Alan Richard who harps about doing what must needs done for continued Liberlian independence and for a man who idolizes Machiavelli he sure doesn't sound<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> like Machiaevelli. (Trust me, I know.) He hits Estelle with an attack called Afterglow Smasher and I immediately begin shipping him with Scherazarde. He goes down hard and pants for breath but then his ambitions are realized except they are not at all what he'd anticipated because a big giant robot reactivates and it looks a lot like the penultimate boss from a certain video game except in this case it is in fact the grand finale. The robot's name is Reverie and that's kind of cute but it's trying to kill us so we kill it back but this isn't even its final form so we kill it again and it's pretty neat how I willfully chose not to heal my party while they were all on the brink of death because I believed in the heart of the cards and that Joshua's one last physical attack would end it.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Afterward Reverie continues to troll us by getting up all over again so Richard out-Ramsuses Ramsus and he leaps into Reverie's gauntleted fist (okay, technically he attacked first, but let's just say he failed) and then Richard talks about how at least in this one act he'll be doing the right things but a wild Cassius appears and he scolds Richard for being so JRPG-melodramatic and then some brilliant white explosions are well-realized in delicious PSX aesthetic and Estelle says "this ends now" and right she is because Barrage smokes it and drops it. But whatever the phenomenon of Richard's folly accomplished, we were too late to prevent it. We leave Aureole with more questions than answers but Cassius is like "alright, I guess these are yours" and our intrepid heroes become full-fledged Bracers and there is ample squeeing and some of it is not from any of the cast members either.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">It's Queen Alicia's celebration day in Grancel and I'm given full opportunity to explore the city. I can even buy worthless weaponry with my two hundred seventy-five thousand worthless mira. Having grown up poor, humble Jeff Zero opts not to spend so wastefully, but I do<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> get to catch up with everyone in the party as they all hatch half-cocked reasons for sticking around long enough for Second Chapter. We see some other familiar faces as well -- including Anelace who considers that Estelle and Joshua are no longer newbies and I guess we're supposed to feel honored to join her wizened ranks but let's be honest Anelace looks like she is 13 years old so I don't know what to tell you but we probably surpassed you before dearest dad even departed Rolent. Then a sweet and quirky and tender and jolly and adorably awkward moment of real romantic depth is displayed between the star duo and Estelle bumbles over her words and I giggle in a manly fashion as she saves face by rushing to fetch ice cream and golly gee goodness wouldn't ya know but Estelle isn't even headed in the right direction for ice cream and Joshua smiles a warm and thoughtful smile and then

What the hell.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Let me repeat this for clarity.

What the hell.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">My treasured friend, you may recall that throughout my journey with this game I referred to a certain archaeologist as "Alba Core" at least once -- possibly twice. I literally called him a tuna fish. I thought it was mildly funny. It wasn't clever -- no, not really, I'm really not all that especially clever -- but it made me grin. I thought I'd been making light, innocuous jest, over a character whose chief purpose was to occasionally hint at the past. Little did I know how right<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> I was. On this particular occasion, Alba is revealed as a certain Weissmann<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">, of a thing called Ouroboros. The obnoxious and forced Xenogears references are not finished yet, Snake, because Weissmann looks uncannily like Bishop Stone and Ouroboros is... ah, you know what, you really don't need me spoiling you on Xenogears. Look, the point is, I'm babbling, I'm dawdling, I'm avoiding the subject, I'm wasting your time and mine, I'm still barely ready to talk about this epic freaking twist.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Joshua was a member of Organization... umm... ah... Organization XIII? Something like that? Regardless, he was theirs, their killer, their child soldier, and my early belief that he was indeed a child soldier is made abundantly clear, but I never expected this.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> A friend, l3fty, told me he figured out Alba was up to no good because of the red in his eyes. Well, pals, it clearly flew over me.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> If Kloe = Klaudia was a 1 on the scale of legitimate surprises, this is a straight-up damnable 10. I am floored.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Estelle has located the ice cream. Joshua has recently shifted between multiple new avatar expressions, all of them sour and jaded and cold, but for Estelle there is a simple hiding smile. He plays off whatever it was they were going to discuss (and we know what that was, oh yes we do), and the scene ends as my jaw is slack and my eyes wide and my heart racing. Later that evening, Schera tells Estelle to go get 'em, girl, as Joshua plays his harmonica with aplomb. Estelle is all giggles and trepidation, but when she reaches out to her love at the top of the garden terrace, he spins her right 'round, baby, right 'round, and he tells her everything. My jaw is again slack. My eyes are again wide. My heart has not stopped racing and I consider cutting down on the burgers because that's not natural. But none of this, friends, is natural. Joshua says things and they resonate with yours truly in ways I'd not anticipated. In an instant he clicks with me in myriad ways I'd not thought possible. To speak further of it would be to diminish the absurdist tone of my writing.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">And then he reaches in -- seemingly to kiss her -- but he renders her incapable of preventing his departure instead. It's a dark moment from the allegedly-heartless lad, but even as she goes down, Estelle Bright refuses to accept that he is the emotionless doll soldier he thinks he is. "You're no Heero Yuy," she might have said as she fell to a deep sleep, "nor Setsuna F. Seiei, nor Cloud Strife, nor Squall Leonhart, nor Jon Snow. But even if you were... even if you were, my love... they all get happy endings, anyway. Well, the jury's still out on Jon, and Game of Thrones is a pretty morbid place. But you get the idea. I'm not giving up on you. I love you."

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">She did say those last three words, at least. And heaven almighty was that enough.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Hearts dance an angry dance and come up blind. As the credits roll and then a preview trailer for what comes next rolls onward, my mind is consumed with three very particular things. 1. I joked about the term "Black Fang" and now the joke's on me. 2. Waiting four-plus years for the proverbial Disc 2 would be torture inconceivable. 3. This game is incredible.

'TO BE CONTINUED IN SECOND CHAPTER. . .'

19. 10/17/16

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Estelle is sad which makes me sad. When Estelle is sad I am sad. It could also be said that when I am sad Estelle is sad. It probably isn't true but it is certainly a thing which can be typed. On the season premiere of Trials and Tribulations: Sky Bandits and the World of Tomorrow, boys become men, girls pledge cuteness eternal, and it takes me half an hour to escape a three-screen forest dungeon.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">It's a brand new day at Grancel Castle when Estelle-chan awakens from her slumber convinced Joshua's departure is totally not worth remembering. She retraces her steps, returns to the garden terrace, realizes she wasn't dreaming, curls up in a ball of angst when Cassius reveals this whole stint was a long time coming, and storms off into the coming storm. Ouroboros be damned; this hurts.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> It's raining but Estelle doesn't even care to pack an umbrella because everything hurts without her beau.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Unable to accept current events, she high-tails it to Figarolent, meeting a certain chap by the name of Kevin along the way. Kevin has a single snaggletooth visible in his oversized mouth but talks like a charmer and all the ladies think he's pretty fly for a green-haired white guy. It's been many months since the Good Miss Bright shined her grace upon her hometown, but Claire has a hot scoop and Luke's training hard and the shopkeeper's mom is looking for his future bride and the more things change, the more they stay the same. This is Estelle's exact line of thought as she frets that Joshua will see her underwear sprawled haphazardly all over her room, but there is no Joshua, Joshua is gone, Joshua went away, and Estelle collapses in acceptance, and Cassius and Schera appear out of the ether, and I choke back tears because I may have already mentioned it my friends but this hurts.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">But not even The Disappearance of Blackfanghi Joshuamiya is enough to keep our girl down for long. With her father's inspirational words at hand, the heroine rises, resolved to find this game's damsel and bring him home. The opening anime movie plays and I feast my eyes on all these hints whilst wishing Trails in the Sky could be adapted into a full-fledged television series someday so I can hear these gorgeous voices for hours on-end.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Two months have passed and Estelle is beating the stuffing out of Anelace as she gets the stuffing beaten out of her by Anelace. We're in a far-off region literally referred to as Leman so suck on that one for a moment as I regale you with Kurt's nine-minute in-game excuse for why all our orbments have been reset. Now if someone could kindly do the same for me as far as my hundreds of thousands of vanished mira are concerned I'd be really rather grateful. (I'm headcanoning that it was donated to Mother Theresa. I refuse to accept l3fty's darkest timeline in which Joshua stole it all. He's probably right, though. DAMMIT.) Every morning, Kurt sends Estelle and Anelace into dangerous situations which might get them killed, and every evening, Estelle and Anelace just keep on coming back, and because the Bracers are a bit more SeeD and a little less Winter Soldier, the chicks talk about putting bows in their hair and new summer outfits in-between all the monster-slaying.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">On this particular occasion, Kurt entrusts his padawans with a challenging task through some nearby sewers. There are levers everywhere and I pull them all with reckless abandon and sometimes I even pull them again and I find some treasure and fight some goons and at the end Kurt appears and he is like "I am the proverbial foreign spy" and I get to hear his cheesy risotto voice acting again and we beat him senseless and everyone laughs heartily. Estelle goes nappy time, 'kay, but when she awakens, some alleged Jaegers appear and I want to take this opportunity to tell you how much I enjoy the word Jaeger. What's worse, Phyllis is taken hostage. Phyllis.

<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;">When Las Chicas Muñequeras come to, they're in a forest with all their newer gear peppered about the treeline just waiting to be regained. I suspect this is Kurt's facade because the alternative is to accept that the Bracers' biggest mercurial rival is spending its limited resources staging elaborate and senseless pranks in remote regions of the world and I just don't think the Jaegers are that cool.<span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;"> I keep returning to this stupid bridge, right, even though I'm trying to go elsewhere, but the bridge keeps appearing no matter what I wish, no matter how I beg the PlayStation Vita to acquiesce to my humble needs, it's like the bridge is following me, wherever I will go, there's always the bridge, and it leads to nowhere, and I can't escape, and I shrivel up in a ball of Jeff Zeropathy, when at last there is a sign, and it leads me out, and we run into a female Jaeger who would kindly let us go back into the forest if we cared to do so, but no one in their right minds would ever choose that option, this female Jaeger is not so kind after all, and

'Estelle will Estelle will Rock her like a hurricane'

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">and we return to the lodge and investigate the scene of the crime. Robert is a jumpsuit-toting orbment man and he expresses bitterness and scorn at the sight of his broken telephone. We go to a top-secret new Bracer training fortress and kill dozens of angry rabbits en route to the kidnappers. We're referred to as girlies, kiddos, kittens, and kidlets all within the span of five minutes flat and I sure can begin to wonder how I'm supposed to feel about any of this. We kick the crud out of this one dude who unveils himself as Kurt when Carna admits she was playing the part of the femme fatale from earlier. Grant's here, too, but no one really cares about him. We all laugh heartily, except for Estelle and Anelace, but peer pressure cracks them and they eventually join in the fun. Kurt's like "now you cats are groovy" and Estelle says "teehee, smell ya later" and training day is over, sweater monkeys, oh yes, it is.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Meanwhile, in Liberl...

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">A punk kid with a weird tattoo-scar thing says punk kid things and Lorence prefers the name Loewe and they talk about how great it is to have wicked-evil righteous plans until Weissmann shows up and expresses his love for wicked-evil righteous plans. I want to point out that Ouroboros is the snake eating itself and there's been at least one cataclysm in recorded history so basically you may wish to peruse Robert Jordan's fantasy epic The Wheel of Time for written thoughts on where I think this<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> is going. Also, I can't start the new topic without a shoehorned Xenogears reference, so please consider that the Ouroboros Ring is Kind of a Big Deal (TM) in that game. Thank you for your patience as I continue to shove a 1998 JRPG down your throats.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Meanwhile, in Erebonia...

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Joshua has a kickass new avatar as he looks over... Karin's... grave...? What's going on here? Then the Capua siblings appear (which really just means Josette and her brothers; let us be clear, Josette is in a league all her own) and everyone talks about how it kind of sucks working together but at the same time it's kind of nice, you know? So let's continue working together even though it kind of sucks, because, again, it's also kind of nice, and it's really helping everybody out. Joshua straight-up refers to the Capuas as his pawns and a certain distinguishable chill runs down my spine. He's a dark fellow right now and he needs to return to the Bright of Estelle.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Prologue beated.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">'''20. '10/20/16''

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">On today's excitingly sidewinder update of Trailz in Da Skye feat. 2nd Ch, people are hugging Estelle left and right, but none of them are Kevin Graham! A surname like 'Graham' makes me think of a certain Gundam 00 character, but that's a total non sequitur, so this sentence ends pointlessly in 3, 2, 1... let's jam!

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">It's a spooky season in Ruan when Estelle-chan is tasked with the unenviable mission to unmask a gh-gh-ghost! That's right, folks, I don't fear the reaper, but I c-c-can't stop stuttering regardless! It's an odd condition, too, since this is textual and all, but hey... who knows, right? ^_~ I'm given the choice between two separate party members to accompany me on the next chapter, so Agate appears and Estelle passes through it. If you're new to my deftly-penned your nonsense, I'll spell it out for you: Scherazarde went to Rolent with Anelace. (I want to take this vital opportunity to inform my dear readers that Anelace Coffee serves Northern Minneapolis and its logo is a nifty-looking dagger. Take this as you will.) Schera is a bit glum because she's only just gotten back in-touch with the protagonist, but to be frank with you, Schera, I just happen to like Señor Rojo more than you right now. Anyway, Anelace seems poised to pop the question, but then the question turns into one of rivalry and not romance, and we all laugh heartily, and I actually do mean everyone for once.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Wait. No. Dang it. I still<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> don't mean everyone, because Anelace didn't laugh. Dammit, Anelace.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">After having bid damn to Schera and Anelace, we ride a fun-times airship to Ruan, thereupon catching up with the gh-gh-ghost trick I already referenced at the beginning of the previous paragraph. Jean is still being Jean, but the region's holding itself a mighty fine election between the hard-working Portos and the commercially savv -- no, forget it, forget I even said anything, I have a fishing rod and it's time to fish! I ready my reel for some shore leave and have a great time finding f -- no, forget it, forget I even said anything, there's a casino<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> here now! I spend over ninety-seven minutes (but no more than ninety-nine; what kind of degenerate do you take me for?) wheeling and dealing. I don't much care for roulette unless it's IRL, which stands for in real life, pleb, and blackjack's odds seem distinctly stacked against me. Slots ain't my forte, neiths, kidlets, but let me tell you 'bout The Legend of Jeff Zero: Poker Face in the Sky. I skillfully maneuver my way to a plethora of medals which I concretely establish as my method of payment for the slick sweet spiritual awakening that is... well, several<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> highly-entertaining and valuable prizes.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">To be clear, this is why I did not post an update last night. I was too busy flipping cards, friends, and when a man has that certain glint in his eye, there is no plot but the plot to win it big.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Having won it big, I proceed to gather some ingredients for Orvid, but Orvid wants more ingredients, so I gather some more, but Orvid hints that even more ingredients are ideal, so I tell him to shove off 'til sunset and climb the lighthouse, and the old dude's still there, y'know? Vogt? And how exactly does one pronounce 'Vogt', anyway? I just call him Voight, like Jon Voight, and he probably hates it. We fix his broken thing and then we kill some troublesome beasts and I unlock the true meaning of Christmas ass-kicking kickassery when

'Estelle will Estelle will Rock you like a [True!!!] Hurricane'

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">and having borne witness to the [True!!!] Hurricane rocking of plentiful wicked ways, it feels like prime time to go ghost hunting! Estelle isn't thrilled but sweetheart you can't always get what you want (although you should,<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> because you're Estelle<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">) so we go see the Ravens and they've all got real faces now and they're like "this is Ravens' territory" and I'm not going to stop making that Metal Gear Solid reference sorry deal with it and then they ask us to beat them into submission so we eagerly oblige and Agate's like "tch" and the Ravens are like "tch" and then they tell us to go talk to some punk rich kid so we hit up the punk rich kid and he's seen the ghost.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Up next is Mercia Orphanage. Mother Theresa's still lookin' fine, and I realize her actual title is 'matron' but if you don't call that hot mama 'mother' then I just don't know what to say to you. Although I know what Freud would say were he here right now. So, uh. F-forget what I just said entirely. Also, she hugs Estelle. <3 Theresa tells us to eat some snacks and drink some $*@*(# tea, and then she kindly suggests we go to Manoria Village to fetch the kids from their Sunday School lessons. Father Kevin's here and he's a gleeman now and that's a Wheel of Time reference for the record. We all chow down on lunch and the kids all have real faces now too. Well, except, like, one kid. What a loser of a kid, being the only kid without a face. That's messed up. That's honestly kind of offensive. What is wrong with this one kid? I feel really bad for him. But I can't remember his name. Because of course I can't. So I guess I'm part of the problem. Polly wants a cracker and then she tells us all about the friendly neighborhood gh-gh-ghost who bowed to her and had a mask on and then he ran away. We go to Air-Letten afterward and a guard there saw the ghost too and he shot him. True story.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Back at the guild, Nial and Dorothy appear, and my night is instantly the better for it. There's a Game of Thrones style massacre on the bridge, except it's not like that at all, but it could have been<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> if it weren't for the dashing return of a certain Olivier. Political tensions reach a boiling point, but Olivier bedazzles with song and good cheer, and by bedazzle, I mean everyone feels uncomfortable and makes like trees and gets out. Olivier proceeds to tell Agate that Agate's olive oil point of entry is ready for his brazen bosom, or something, look, I can't be expected to remember lines of dialogue that will literally run the risk of causing me nightmares. Everyone laughs heartily, except no, no one laughs. Except Olivier.

Because of course he does.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Putting together what we know, Estelle determines that the scary, scary ghost keeps haunting everyone (including the good people of Ruan, now, too!) from his or her humble abode of Jenis Academy. A plan is hatched to investigate the academy and Olivier insists he tag along. Dorothy does too which means the next big monsters I exterminate require a slightly more delicate touch because if Dorothy is stricken with anything more than a slightly delicate touch she will die. Estelle also turns into a volunteer school teacher too and because my updates are always 95% narrative/5% gameplay (at best) I become the Ace of Lessons when all the questions involve key lore. I get everything right except the one about the article number because that's just insane what is wrong with that dweeb asking a question so nerdy ugh what a geek.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Then we're off to Jenis and Kloe hugs Estelle. <3 She feels like a failure because she hasn't been able to get away from school to be there for her best friend after The Joshua Incident (TJI, we're calling it) but that's silly talk, Kloe, why are you so perfect.<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;"> Hans and Glasses-chan are there as well and we all meet with Dean Collins who says nothing of importance and then Glasses-chan dictates how the groups will be split up as we interrogate the student body. Wow, what a sentence. Glasses-chan insists that she and Agate run off alone and I want to tell her that Agate's like one-and-a-half times her age but I can't because the vocaloid feature is either malfunctioning or nonexistent.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">Estelle and Kloe are going to work as a team and the last thing I notice before shutting off the Vita to pen nonsense is that Kloe has literally regressed a level since the end of FC. My head tilts and I question the meaning of life.

<span style="color:rgb(11,12,14);font-family:"HelveticaNeue",HelveticaNeue,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:normal;">