Gordon Freeman's Contest History

Who is Gordon Freeman?
Aside from being the loveable loser in the Summer Contest setting, Gordon Freeman happens to be the main character of Half Life.

...not that you see him in the game, of course. And who are we kidding? No one cares about Gordon Freeman's role in Half-Life. They care about how much of an absolute fucking loser he is.

"The day Gordon Freeman wins a match will be the day the universe implodes." - Board 8

Gordon Freeman's Contest History
Win-Loss Record: 2-6

Summer 2002 Contest - East Division - 3 Seed
 * Eastern Round 1 --- Lost to (14) Tina Armstrong, 22560 [40.03%] - 33801 [59.97%]
 * Extrapolated Strength --- 53rd Place [11.31%]

Summer 2003 Contest - South Division - 7 Seed
 * Southern Round 1 --- Lost to (10) Max Payne, 41997 [46.01%] - 49281 [53.99%]
 * Extrapolated Strength --- 53rd Place [15.35%]

Summer 2004 Contest - Chaos Division - 10 Seed
 * Chaos Round 1 --- Lost to (7) Sam Fisher, 33528 [44.57%] - 41691 [55.43%]
 * Extrapolated Strength --- 54th Place [13.40%]

Some of you have wondered why the term GFNW came to be.

Don't lie to me. Of course you have. I've seen you.

The abbreviation of GFNW -- Gordon Freeman Never Wins -- seems, at its core, to be simple enough. There's Gordon Freeman, he never wins, mystery solved, time for some pie.

But then there are some who continue to question this -- why only Gordon Freeman? Why not other hapless losers, like Guybrush Threepwood? Or Conker? And so on and so forth. Some have wondered if Gordon Freeman is, in fact, being 'hated upon'.

Well, I am here right now to insist that this is, in fact, not the case. Nobody hates Gordon Freeman; it is, in fact, almost impossible for us to do so by virtue of his character design (as will be elaborated upon shortly).

No, the answer lies not with the board but with Gordon Freeman himself -- and, as you shall see, Gordon Freeman is one of the most interesting cases you may ever come across.

You see, Gordon Freeman is designed specifically to cater to the sort of people who frequent sites like this one. He's the unmitigated genius (he holds, if I recall correctly, an advanced degree from MIT in... whatever the hell scientific field he's in) equivalent of an everyman -- sort of an everynerd, if you will. He's not physically imposing in the slightest, his eyesight is poor enough to warrant big ol' Elvis Costello glasses and he spends his entire life in desperate need of a shave -- but through his sheer intellect and survival skills, he single-handedly fights off an entire invasion and saves the universe from peril.

So here we have a protagonist who, for all intents and purposes, should be a bastion of pride for us all -- a hero, a role model and a paragon of virtue. Right?

And yet, he just can't seem win a popularity contest on GameFAQs. Even once. Ever. The man lost to Max Payne. The man lost to Tina Armstrong, and I sincerely doubt 80% of the board even knows who she is. Half-Life could have beat Metroid Prime, but something held it back; three guesses!

I have come to the conclusion, based upon the available evidence, that Gordon Freeman is genuinely trying to lose. Think about this. Under any and all circumstances, Gordon Freeman should easily be able to defeat any opponent at any given time no matter what the odds, because he is the very manifestation of each and every one of us -- we are him, he is us, and to anti-vote ourselves would be distinctly difficult to do. Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that each and every time Gordon Freeman is pitted against even the most pitiful of foes (which, you'll notice, he always is), he uses his unmatched and awe-inspiring intellect to find a way, any way, to lose every single time. I suspect it may be some sort of sport for him.

The other possible conclusion is that he acts as a modern-day equivalent of Wile E. Coyote -- that, following in the teachings of Doctor Coyote, he believes himself to be superior to all other forms of life because of his incredible brainpower and then crafts elegant and seemingly foolproof plans for success that each and every time backfire in a spectacularly hilarious way and lead to his inevitable undoing. If you cannot picture Gordon Freeman being hit by a train as he sits alone huddled in a small shack filling carrots with nitroglycerine, then I genuinely pity you.

Whether he is using his peerless intellectual capacity to intentionally lose or to unintentionally lose, the end result is the same and can be proclaimed with absolute certainty -- Gordon. Freeman. Never. Wins.

So there you have it, gentle reader; the day that Gordon Freeman wins a match is the day that his intelligence, which by design is our intelligence, no longer counts for anything. And for all of our sakes, I pray that such a demoralizing day never comes.

Mystery solved. Time for some pie.

Summer 2005 Contest - 20XX Division - 4 Seed
 * 20XX Round 1 --- Lost to (5) Leon Kennedy, 38810 [41.43%] - 54875 [58.57%]
 * Extrapolated Strength --- 40th Place [20.88%]

There are only so many jokes that one can make about Gordon always losing, though it's funny that he always increases in strength and loses anyway. In fact this year he had Half-Life 2 to work off of and still lost. As for whether or not Gordon increased or simply overperformed on Leon remains to be seen, though we're in dire need of a match between Gordon and Face CATS.

The funniest thing of all is that no one has ever broken 60% on Gordon. Not once.

And his worst loss is still against Tina Armstrong, no less. Funny stuff.

Summer 2006 Contest - Destiny Division - 5 Seed
 * Destiny Round 1 --- Defeated (4) Phoenix Wright, 64324 [58.20%] - 46204 [41.80%]
 * Destiny Semifinal --- Lost to (1) Sora, 43996 [36.07%] - 77994 [63.93%]
 * Extrapolated Strength --- 33rd Place [27.63%]

Fitting that this division's name was destiny. Two traditions died this contest: Gordon Freeman finally won a match, and Gordon Freeman managed to not break 40% in a loss. Now watch everyone stop nominating him because of GFNW being dead -_-

Summer 2007 Contest - Division 8 - Third Group
 * Division 8 Round 1 --- 2nd place, 38131 [29.57%] - Duke Nukem, 38913 [30.18%] - Ike, 37086 [28.76%] - Guybrush Threepwood, 14817 [11.49%]
 * Division 8 Round 2 --- 3rd place, 24034 [18.84%] - Sonic the Hedgehog, 56616 [44.39%] - Sub-Zero, 29931 [23.47%] - Duke Nukem, 16961 [13.30%]

Man, good thing for Gordon that he actually won that match last year. That slight confidence boost proved to be the difference maker here. Mr. Freeman couldn't handle the pressure of being favored to WIN, but he still managed to advance to the second round for the second year in a row, holding off Ike, who had been announced as a playable character in Super Smash Brothers Brawl during the nomination period. He exacted a measure of revenge against the Duke in round 2, easily outperforming him. Was it possible that Gordon was holding back? Is it possible that he's been holding back all this time...? That is a scary thought.