PIMP's 27 Tales

A writing project authored by PukeInMyPot. This project consists of 27 tales of varying length. Decide which is your favorite!!

Tale 1
"I think I will eat some cake today" said Pomerosa.

"You know what that does to your stomach, dear. Herem have some salad instead." Lillylelana said to her beloved husband.

Pomerosa sighed deeply.

"Six and a half feet, yet only thirty-eight pounds. How do you expect me to live?" Pomerosa spoke while chowing down his salad.

"Hey. If I don't look after you, who will? Besides, you don't want to look anything like Uncle Gil, do you?" Lillylelana said, pointing to a portrait of a man who nearly four hundred pounds, and a foot or so shorter than Pomerosa.

"I suppose not..." said Pomerosa, crying on the inside.

Tale 2
Felipe flew up to Manhattan to visit his cousin Juan to watch a movie, more specially, to watch the highly anticipated "Death Tattoo: The Cynical Reminder". Felipe was 19 and his cousin was 13. They were best of friends. The film was rated R for violence and brief nudity, so Juan would have to be snuck in. However, doing this would prove to be a difficult task as Mr. Holler, the Manager of the Cineplex, was on duty. "No one gets by Mr. Holla, NO ONE!" said Juan, with his ghetto accent. "Well Juan, it is time to introduce Mr. Holla to Felipe The Stealth!" Juan looked up at his older cousin with great awe and glittering eyes.

"Death Tattoo: The Cynical Reminder" was in theatre for only one more day when Felipe had thought of his flawless plot.

"Okay, you understand the plan, Juan?" asked Felipe. "That plan shines like diamonds, let's do it!" answered Juan.

The cousins walked up to the theatre, with the utmost of courage within them. "Two tickets for 'Death Tattoo: The Cynical Reminder', please." asked Felipe, and was handed over two tickets. "Excuse me sir, but I only see one of you. What do you need two tickets for? And I would like to see some ID before I let you in" scolded Mr. Holler. Felipe took out his ID. "Wait, what? Grandma, where'd you go?" three second pause "OH NO!!!" yelped Felipe. "Problem?" asked Hr. Holler. "My grandma...she's MISSING !!" "Siiiigh. Sorry kid, but I can only give you one ticket. Maybe you should check the streets when you're done watching the movie, who knows, maybe your precious granny will show up, nyuck yuck yunk!!" laughed Mr. Holler. Felipe began getting angry, but gritted his teeth and proceeded. "Hahaha! That's a good one, mister! Oh wait a second...I think I see her right over there! Looks like I won't have to be searching after all, huh? Nyuck yuck yuck" Felipe mocked. Just then, Mr. Holler looked over in the direction where Felipe was pointing. As they were both looking off, Juan crept toward Mr. Holler. "Excuse me sir, but you wouldn't happen to have a 20, would you?" Juan asked. "What do I look like, an ATM? Make like a person in a maze and get lost!" Mr. Holler. replied. "But...mommy says if I don't collect enough money then the treatment won't work." Juan said, with tearing eyes. "Treatment?" "Yes, I have something she keeps calling Culinary Cancer. I just want it to stop hurting when I wipe my a- "ALRIGHT! Fine, here is $20, just stop talking. Just help me look for this guys Grandma, will ya?" Mr. Holler said. "She is right there, but it appears as though she fell. Help me lift her up, will you sir?" asked Felipe. "No chance in purgatory! I have to stand my shift, don't you know anything?" Mr. Holler hollered. "AHHHHH!" screamed Juan. "SHHH! What are you yelping at, kid? Go help that old lady off the ground will ya?" he demanded "I can't hold it in anymore!! It's coming out!!!!" Just then, Juan let out an obnoxious fart. "Oh dear...looks like I need new underpants.....UH-OH, HERE IT COMES AGAIN!!" he yelled. "For the love of God, go use the bathroom!" Mr. Holler directed Juan toward the bathrooms inside the theatre. "If you're not out in twenty minutes-" he then took a whiff- "thirty minutes, then that's IT!" Mr. Holler shouted. "Oh no, looks like Grandma threw out another hip!" Felipe cried. "That's your grandma, shouldn't you be helping her?!" questioned Mr. Holler. "Eh, she'll be fine. I guess all I need is one ticket after all! Nyuck yuck yuck." Giggled Felipe. ... "Don't worry Grandma, I'm coming for you!!" Mr. Holler pleaded. He then ran over toward where Felipe was pointing before. "Wait a second....there's no old lady here..." Mr. Holler whispered to himself.

He then looked over, only to see a Sold Out sign for ''Death Tattoo: The Cynical Reminder".

Tale 3
Stina called Zoey to have a slumber party on the upcoming Friday. Zoey of course agreed and the plans were set. When Zoey arrived at Stina's house that Friday, she thought something was a little...odd. "Uh...Stina, why is all your furniture rearranged? Are you remodeling or something?" she politely yet quizzically asked. "..." stared Stina. "Well are you going to answer me or what? And I love your haircut by the way, it's so posh" she said with a smile. "..." glared Stina. "Oh my, since when did you get a pet cat? God, it's like you're an entirely new person or something!!" Zoey remarked, before realizing her tragic, tragic mistake.

Tale 4
Only once have Felipe and Vilches been spotted on the same street before. This was mainly because Felipe broke both his legs three years ago in a freak accident involving a three-wheeled bus and a malfunctioned street light. Vilches, on the other hand, rarely ever left his house due to fear of outdoor-oxygen combined with pollution. Anyway, they both were sick and tired of being cooped up in their houses all day, so they decided to leave. Vilches left his house first. He was kind of nervous at everything that would be awaiting him out there, what with being alien to such surroundings for so long, but he dealt with it. Now, Felipe didn't have the luxury of walking out of his house like Vilches did and he was too poor to afford a wheelchair. Luckily, he only lived on the third floor of his apartment. He decided to make a jump for it, because hell, what did he have to lose? Felipe took a deep breath, closed his eyes, made the daring leap and landed right in front of Vilches. His legless body soared in the air before hitting the concrete sidewalk.

Vilches now has a new reason to never come outside.

Tale 5
Claude and Gregg, both members of the Anti-Peace Program, hated unity. They were the only members of the APP, and they fought strong for what they believed in. "Gregg, if you weren't here to assist me, I wouldn't know what I'd be doing." Claude announced. "When in Rome..." said Gregg, who only spoke adages.

Together, they aimed to get the entire planet in a war. 'No Survivors!' was their motto. Their plan of action was to get their own Radio Broadcasting Station and play nothing but songs about hate, confusion, and death.

"Takes one to know one" said DJ Gregg. He was the sole reason why the radio station was so popular. The fans loved his intellect, and could always count on him for advice.

Claude, on the other hand, was the technical support dude. Really, he didn't serve a purpose.

Then one day, thanks to Gregg, the plan unfolded and the entire planet went into chaos. The only thing people could agree on was how elite DJ Gregg was.

"We did it, Gregg, we finally did it!!!" proclaimed Claude ecstatically.

"Don't you get it, Claude? Through our teamwork, we accomplished something. The very subject we were trying to bring forth was accomplished by using the very subject we were fighting against! I have finally shown you the light, now let's just forget about this whole radio station and go some place only we know!" Gregg said charismatically.

"...It is better to be pissed off than pissed on" said Claude.

Tale 6
"I like to take liquid medicine. Not because it saves my life, but because I think it tastes good." said the dirt.

"What are you yelping about now? We all know that if you didn't take that dag nabbing medicine then you'd be out of control!" replied the leaves.

"Oh, will you two hush yourselves already? I'm trying to maintain focus!" said a plant, in mid-photosynthesization.

"So.....delicious." the dirt claimed.

"Quiet, already!!" the leaves screeched.

"Great, you just broke my concentration, thanks a lot. Guess this is it for me, guys!" the plant said before vanishing into thin air.

"Now look what you did, filthy dirt!" the leaves shouted.

"Maybe she should asked to take some of my medicine...I probably would have said no.....though" the dirt spoke slowly.

"I can't take this anymore. I'm gone!!" the leaves sighed, before drifting away toward the horizon.

"Ah...haha...hah...aha" the dirt never seemed to stop laughing.

Tale 7
Bermuda and Hungary, two people named after proper nouns due to their parents' intense patriotism, never met each other. But when Clash of Two Titans started, which was a war between Bermuda and Hungary (the places), they finally crossed paths.

It was a fierce war. Each side had ~300,000 forces. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Eventually, there were only two warriors remaining...

"I am the almighty Hungary, and you will feel my wrath !!" said Hungary, speaking to Bermuda.

"But I, the divine Bermuda, will allow no such action !!" replied Bermuda.

Just then, Hungary took out a platinum bow and arrow. He took aim with steady hands, fired, and with that the arrow went whistling into the air.

Simultaneously, Bermuda unsheathed a scythe. Not just any scythe, but one equipped with an emblem symbolizing his speed and prowess.

Hungary's arrow ricocheted off of Bermuda's scythe and fell to the ground. In such disbelief, Hungary leapt away from Bermuda and armed himself with a swallow.

"Your speed is uncanny, but it is no match for THIS! Observe, Bermudan, as I demonstrate my bruteness!" Just then, Hungary spun his swallow around like a baton, and next thing Bermuda knew his scythe was torn in two.

"Astronomical! A true warrior you are, but my speed in unrivaled...!" Bermuda nobly admitted to his adversary. "If this doesn't work, than I don't know what will..." Bermuda at last took out his katana, with the blade having diagonal jagged cuts all around it, and held it in his left hand. In his right was a mechanical crossbow, twice the size and twice the durability of Hungary's first bow.

Hungary, knowing what he was in for, took his swallow and attached a rapier to the center of it. It was a glorious weapon if there ever was one, and Hungary silently prayed to himself. "My form is flawless, and you will fall victim to my brutality!" he loudly shouted.

The two warriors ran toward one another, with intentions of victory and success spiraling throughout their minds.

TO BE CONTINUED

Their weapons clashed together as clanking-sounds pierced through the wind. Hay-makers were executed by Hungary, as evasive action was taken by Bermuda. Bermuda's weak stabs hardly even phased Hungary's skin.

Back and forth they went, both unable to harm the other.

They both wheezed and panted as the sun began setting.

"You are righteous, my enemy..." breathed Bermuda.

"As are you, villain, as are you..." coughed Hungary.

"But Bermuda and Hungary cannot co-exist...this must end" said Hungary.

"And end it will...all in good time." agreed Bermuda.

Again, they went at it. And into the next day, they were still battling.

Then, with a ferocious dash, Bermuda sliced through Hungary.

Hungary's weapon fell to the ground, as he fell to his knees.

Coughing blood, he mumbled his final words...

"I...have been def...elated. Please....Bermudan....finish me off.....the pain is too....too shameful."

Bermuda, staring down at his opponent, closed his eyes and tore his katana through Hungary's heart.

Tale 8
Geldegarde loved music. Oh how the harmonious melodies would intertwine into one everlasting prelude would envelop Geldegarde in an enchanting aroma.

"The wind...Earth's flute. The thunder...Earth's drums. We live in a euphonious place, my dear Hildegarde."

Hildegarde, a fan more of acting, preferred to live in an imaginary world, where only the surreal survived and the dignified died.

"I agree, my lifelong friend, but for reasons one such as yourself could never comprehend."

And all of a sudden, as though the gods themselves stopped time, both Geldegarde and Hildegarde froze and fixated their sight on one another.

"An orchestra! Let me hear you orchestrate!" shouted Geldegarde.

"Perform! I want you to give me a performance worth dying for!" shrieked Hildegarde.

The duo feuded until the moon came up and the stars fell down. Eventually, though, through their dissension was a musical created. The most grand ever, to be precise. With percussions and brasses brothering with timeless renditioning and portrayal.

Flawless is the only adjective that comes to mind when reminiscing Geldegarde's and Hildegarde's unceasing revue.

Tale 9
Francis was waiting on the lunch line during school. Today was Pizza Day, an all-time favorite of elementary-schoolers. Ten minutes passed, and neither Francis nor the line had moved forward at all. Francis removed himself from the line to see what was going on. But before he is able to solve the conundrum, a teacher says 'No cutting!' and sends him to the back of the line. Luckily, the line started to move once he was in place- but by the time it was his turn to get lunch; they were all out of pizza. "Not another PB&J day for Francis!" he cryptically sang.

Tale 10
"Alright guys, we played damn hard to get here. Tomorrow, though, tells it all. Do you think any of it is matters if we lose? One hundred and twenty eight teams, single elimination, five-on-five, only the finest advance. The finals are tomorrow, and we made it !" told Driz, the day before the final showdown against the Triad Glories.

Driz, by far, was the best player in the league. His teammates were damn good, too, but none could throw, catch, or dodge as well as Driz.

So how could the Bosco Stars possibly lose? Well, let's pull out the stats.

Bosco Stars

Captain: Driz Draz Kills: 550 Catches: 299 Outs: 21

Logan Breeze Kills: 128 Catches: 148 Outs: 69

Flay KiLorio Kills: 333 Catches: 03 Outs: 111

Bronze Gouge Kills: 81 Catches: 272 Outs: 25

Jagg Tyaxl Kills: 66 Catches: 66 Outs: 66

TOTAL KILLS: 1158 TOTAL CATCHES: 788 TOTAL OUTS: 292

Triad Glories

Captain: Vincent "Invince" Revolver Kills: 448 Catches: 302 Outs: 30

Gil Intrepid Kills: 310 Catches: 130 Outs: 103

Lyle Damackis Kills: 208 Catches: 209 Outs: 107

Trist Turst Kills: 00 Catches: 500 Outs: 03

Ghorm Gigorgh Kills: 400 Catches: 00 Outs: 400

TOTAL KILLS: 1366 TOTAL CATCHES: 1141 TOTAL OUTS: 643

Not as one-sided as you'd think, huh?

The Bosco Stars entered the arena, as did the Triad Glories. Driz and Vincent shook hands, and prepared to play.

PLAY-BY-PLAY:

1) The Bosco Stars acquire three of the six balls, as do the Triad Glories 2) Driz pegs Ghorm in the leg 3) Gil nails Jagg in the chest 4) Trist catches Flay's toss, bringing back Ghorm 5) Logan eliminates Lyle via arm-peg

UPDATE: Driz, Logan, and Bronze vs. Vincent, Gil, Trist and Ghorm

Then, Ghorm pegs Bronze in the chest but Driz dives and catches the ricocheting ball, bringing back Jagg. However, Vincent simultaneously pegs Driz on the back.

UPDATE: Logan, Bronze, and Jagg vs. Vincent, Gil, and Trist

Jagg accidentally crosses the line, and is called out. Right as Gil tried pegging Bronze, who dodges the toss, Logan took advantage of the unaware Gil and nailed him. Then, somehow, Vincent drops Bronze's weak throw.

UPDATE: Logan and Bronze vs. Trist

"Bring it on, big boys!!" Trist beckoned.

Logan and Bronze simultaneously threw balls toward Trist. Trist caught one and dodged the other.

UPDATE: Logan vs. Lyle, Trist and Ghorm.

"Logan...come on. One catch and I'm back in...you can do it!!" yelled Driz from the sidelines.

Lyle, Trist, and Ghorm all chucked balls at Logan. Logan, holding one ball in his hand, deflects two balls high into the air and catches the other.

UPDATE: Driz and Logan vs. Trist and Ghorm.

Driz and Logan huddle, seeing as how all six balls are now on their side.

Then, all of a sudden, Logan suicide jumps across the line, with one ball in his hand, and directly plows Ghorm in the shoulder.

It is now Driz vs. Trist.

The leader of the Bosco Stars who has the most kills in the league vs. the loudmouthed defenseman of the Triad Glories who has the most catches and fewest outs in the league.

"Heh heh heh. I never missed a ball in my life, Drizzy!!" Trist laughed, rolling a ball toward Driz.

Driz angrily sighed, thinking to himself.

The arena grew silent, and Driz focused on his opponent.

Driz stood as far back from the line as possible, then ran toward it ful speed. Around half way there, he all of a sudden executed a Spin Move.

In slow motion, Driz's ball soared threw the air, before pounding Trist square in the chest. Trist stuck out his arm before the ball touched the ground, in hopes of catching it. The ball bobbled around his hand a solid five seconds. He then tapped the ball up in the air, setting himself up for an easy catch.

Then, right before he the ball landed in his hands, another ball came from nowhere and spotted him right on the ankle.

"Too slow..." smiled Driz.

After that day, the Bosco Stars retired from dodge ball as the only undefeated team to ever exist.

Jagg now works as a magician, performing tricks you could swear have no secret behind them.

Bronze became a sailor and swore he'd someday find an island to do nothing but play dodge ball on.

Flay got really into the 70's and was never seen again.

Logan backpacked all across Europe and rumor has it, he can be seen singing acapellas at any and every theatre.

As for Driz, he remained a legend in the dodge ball world. Tournaments were named after him, and trophies were shaped as him I'm not sure, but I think I saw him playing dodge ball against me one time. I can't really remember because I was pegged so hard I forget what went on that day.

Tale 11
Trevor is into Yu-G-h! and wants to obtain a Salamandra. Carl has a Salamandra card, but is very protective of it. Trevor offers to trade a Wingweaver, a Battle Ox, and a Prohibition for it. Carl says "I already have a Wingweaver!" Trevor then sighs, and says "Would it work better if I took out the Wingweaver?

Tale 12
Jean, Jen, and Gene were all playing ball in Eugene's backyard. Jean was better than Gene, who was better than Jen, but was worse than Eugene. When all four of them played a game of 21 together, Jen somehow won. When trying to figure how this enigma existed, they all get side-tracked when Genie came along and announced her friend Ginger would be stopping by next week. "Now, I don't care how big of a court we play on; six is WAY too many people to play 21 with!" exclaimed Janeen, the referee of the 21 games. Just then a voice from out of the bushed rang "I guess this means Geraldine can't play now, neither...Geraldine is very unhappy about this". They never played 21 ever again.

Tale 13
"What we got going on is a covenant, the amount of love in it is abundant and if it were ancient I think I would summon it." Greyjay oddly rhymed.

"Gawrsh I love the wind." sighed Dereddered, Greyjay's girlfriend.

"Breezing through the air, wheezing with no care." Greyjay described the wind.

"Come awn, tell me more about the sea." pled Dereddered.

"Flowing, glowing, showing like an ocean." Greyjay described.

"It was grass...it was dirt...it was mother nature." Dereddered caressed.

"Flourishing day rain, nourishing away pain." Greyjay sang.

The two overlooked three enormous snow-topped mountains separated by a cornucopia of evergreen trees, with the slightest touch of sunrays dawning upon them creating a crisp-brown vision. A flock of blue-bellied hummingbirds circled around the center mountain, as the mountains on either side of the center mountain began shaking until bright red lava exploded from the tops and crept ever so slowly down the sides, seeming to never reach the bottom.

"Together forever storming any weather"

Tale 14
Pierre Escargo was notoriously known for lifting heavy weights. He could bench 653 lbs, curl 441 lbs, squat 890 lbs, and dead lift a number so high that it violates the recommended amount of text for me to fit on this page.

"Three thousand.....three thousand one....etc" Said Escargo while counting push-ups.

Then, one day, a giant octopus approached Escargo's habitat.

"I am the strongest being in the world!" said the almighty octopus to Pierre.

"Oh really? Well can you do THIS??!" Pierre said, while picking up his own house and throwing it at the octopus.

The octopus, whom I will from now on refer to as Octoking, maneuverably dodged away from the house and replied "Why how can I lift a house that is now broken to pieces???!" he said after laser-visioning the house into smithereens.

The Octoking had enough fooling around, and slashed one of his tentacles toward Escargo.

"Harrrrumph!" yelped Pierre. Escargo then caught the tentacle, twisted it around a few times, and then ripped off of Octokings body.

"Looks like dinner is set for the next two weeks, har har har!!" Pierre guffawed.

Octoking then ran back into the sea from which he first emerged from.

"Easier than I thought, heh heh." said Pierre.

Octoking then reappeared from the deep sea, but this time with Octoprince, Octoqueen, and Octoprincess !!!

"Tempo di essere punito per i vostri sins, contadino!" the Octofamily all said.

Because of his wise-crack on eating the Octokings tentacle and for being so brutally murdered, the Octofamily made Escargo's name become the subject for a certain type of food, more specifically, the name a very, very weak animal.

Tale 15
"Tonight is the last day of summer camp, and every time I try telling the guys 'goodbye' I start tearing." said Fitz.

"Come on, man, you're sounding pretty girly right about now. 'Tearing up' ? Dude, it's the guys. They're just like you and me, Fitz." exclaimed Romney.

"Yeah...but it's just so sad. Every summer, for the past seven years, we have been together. Playing kickball, shooting hoops, macking babes, hehe. But now, this is it. We're going to college next year, it's the BIG leagues!" sighed Fitz.

"I understand that, and I know that this is the last summer we'll spend together, too. Sure, we all live in different states and it's damn near impossible for all of us to visit each other, and sure we are too old to go to this camp next year, but come on. Haven't you ever heard of that cliché quote 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened'?" Romney tried persuading.

"It's just...you guys are my best friends. Yeah I got my school friends, but they pale in comparison to you guys. We had *so* many memories together. Haha, remember that time Rico and Jimney tried catching the Lochness Monster in the lake? Come on, it's priceless." laughed Fitz.

"Heh, yeah, that's one thing we all got over anyone else- our charisma." agreed Romney.

"Eh? Did I hear my name? Gosh I must be popular!" entered Rico.

"Sweat me, I think these sunglasses make me look suaaaave." babbled Jimney.

"Haha, boys!! I'm surprised you're up this early!" Fitz ecstatically said.

"Weh ooh else can sleep wheh yuh guys are tawkin' so loud?" yawned Grizzle.

"G-Money! It's a party now!" Romney said, Grizzle's number one fan.

"Did someone say party?" asked Tom.

"It's not a party if the twins ain't around!" said Tim.

"Oh man, the whole crew's here...! This last day is shaping up to really be something, huh boys?" shouted Fitz.

All the boys grew sort of silent.

"...Last day, I almost forgot." sighed Rico.

"Seven years, all into this one. Is that how it's supposed to be?" asked Tom.

"Gah, I hate this. Let's make this a day to remember!" exclaimed Jimney.

"Chirr, YUP. No mo' sadness fo da crew, ight?" Grizzle proclaimed.

"Yeah, fun everywhere!!" Tim agreed.

My friends...fragments of God himself.

Rather than explain the last day of camp, here are the boys' stats:

NAME: Fitz Gerald HOMETOWN: Montgomery, Alabama HEIGHT: 5'10" WEIGHT: 155 lbs DESCRIPTION: Athletic, a physical specimen. 'Leader' of the group, yet stands alone. Has a unique story with every guy in the group that will make you laugh until you have abs of steel.

NAME: Romney Klyde HOMETOWN: Zzyxz, California HEIGHT: 5'7" WEIGHT: 139 lbs DESCRIPTION: Mr. Cheerful. Never seen with a frown on his face, always happy. Looks up to 'G-Money' like an idol.

NAME: Rico HOMETOWN: Kimbeto, New Mexico HEIGHT: 5'4" WEIGHT: 111 lbs DESCRIPTION: Most energetic of the lot. Rumor has it he once went two whole weeks without sleep. "Maybe that explains your bad breath" Jimney always cracks.

NAME: Jimney Essence HOMETOWN: Kansas City, Kansas HEIGHT: 6'0" WEIGHT: 165 lbs DESCRIPTION: The ladies man. Dated every girl in the camp at least twice, with the exception of Four-Eyed Francis.

NAME: Grizzle Black HOMETOWN: Bronx, New York HEIGHT: 6'6" WEIGHT: 236 lbs DESCRIPTION: A tank! He once lifted and searched under Romney's bed, which was screwed to the floor while Romney was sleeping in it, because he misplaced his berretta.

NAME: Tom Essence HOMETOWN: Charlotte, North Carolina HEIGHT: 5'8" WEIGHT: 130 lbs. DESCRIPTION: Just wants to have a party.

NAME: Tim Essence HOMETOWN: Charlotte, North Carolina HEIGHT: 5'8" WEIGHT: 130 lbs. DESCRIPTION: Wants to party the night away

Tale 16
Marial, Heather, Nathaniel, and Otto were best friends who were all honest and never lied or joked around to each other about anything. They loved to dance, so they danced the night away in an open park. Later on, after dancing for hours up on hours, they decided to take a walk down a familiar path. This path was a two mile stretch with a river on either side of it. They decided to go skinny-dipping in the river. While swimming, Marial says "Guys...is this river polluted?". Heather than says "Not too sure about it being polluted, but I know this is the river where they dumped that mans dead body in...you know, the one they have yet to find?". Otto starts laughing and says "You girls are probably right about that, but the most intriguing thing about this river are all the leeches it has out the wa-zoo in it!!" Nathaniel looks around at his friends with a petrified look on his face. He then jolts out of the river as fast as he can. "Nate, what the hell man??!?" they all scream at once. "

"I can't believe you let me skinny-dip in this river!!" he shouted.

"Why, what's the big deal?" they monotonously said.

"Because! Can't you see I forgot to take off my underwear?!!"

Nate took off his underwear and hopped right back in.

Tale 17
"I just don't get it," sighed Velenca "why can't I do it??"

Velenca was the only girl in her school who hadn't gotten her period yet.

"I've been sitting on this damn toilet bowl nine out of every thirteen hours since my 15th birthday, but nothing happens!!" she squealed.

"Don't worry, honey, a lot of girls don't have their first period until they hit seventeen....right, dear?" said Velenca's mother.

"That's right. I remember my sister didn't get her first until she was twenty-three!" said the father.

"Ughhhh. All the boys call me names and tell me they won't date me because they can't impregnate me and leave me with a bastard child. I HATE it, and will NOT stand for it any longer!!" Velenca shouted.

Velenca then ran off to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and pointed it toward her vagina.

"A woman's period composes of blood from the vaginal area!" she yelled.

"Sweety, no! You don't have to go down the same path I did!!" her mother yelled.

And with a quick thrust, the blood began pouring.

"Cramps...women experience intolerable cramps during their premenstrual cycles!" Velenca whispered.

Velenca then proceeded to run laps around the house, with trails of dripping blood marking her path.

"Last...but not least....mood swings..." Velenca barely said.

"Cookies for you, mommy. Death for you, daddy. Emo music for you, little puppy." Velenca said, while baking her mother cookies, killing her father, and playing songs titled 'No More Happiness' and 'I Quit - Sadness Wins' for her cute little puppy dog.

Twenty years later.

"Daughter Binalette, you don't have to go down the same path I did!" Velenca spoke ever so sadly.

Tale 18
Gigli and Honne have been dating for a quite a while. They were as inseparable as trees in a forest. The only problem was, no one know which one was the girl!! So when they had a party to celebrate their one year anniversary, great difficulty was expressed in choosing gifts. "Should I get Honne a Barbie Collection, or should I get Gigli a Playboy Magazine?" many kids asked. Luckily, Gigli and Honne said it was a formal party, and that the attendance alone was enough satisfaction. Let's just hope their two year anniversary meets the same requirements...

Tale 19
It was but the tenth year of the second millennium in late June.

Patrick always had a thing for Victoria. Ever since seventh grade when she first spoke "You look good in green", he fell for her. But now they were just one month away from graduating.

They always kept in touch and said 'hey stranger' to one another around the halls. They went to a few parties together over the years even to Senior Prom as a couple together, but there relationship was never established in words due to fear of rejection, mainly on Patrick’s part.

She's a nice girl. The worst she could do is just say 'no' to me; at least I can say I tried. Besides, looking back fifty years from now I just know I am going to regret not going through with this..., Patrick thought, referring to telling Victoria how he truly feels.

The next day at school, Victoria was standing coldly near her locker.

Great. Looks like I won't be able to try it out today... he thought.

"Hey...you like your best friend just died. High-schools almost over, you should be the happiest girl in the world!" Patrick sincerely spoke.

But Victoria's sad facial expression only deepened as she heard Patrick speak those words.

Victoria wasn't in school the next day. She was absent the entire week, actually.

What's going on here...where's she been? Is she okay?

Patrick took it upon himself to knock on Victoria's front door the following day. Now, normally Patrick was a timid guy, especially when it came to Victoria. But as each day grew closer to graduation, he grew bolder and more determined than ever to enlighten Victoria, knowing that he may just not get another chance to see her ever again.

When he arrived at her house, what he saw had literally given him weak knees and he collapsed to the ground.

A picket-sign reading "Sold" was neatly placed in the front yard.

A thousand thought began racing through Patrick’s head; How could she not tell me...where did she go...how will she ever find out...what am I going to do...?

He got back up on his feet, ran over to the front door, and started banging on it.

No answer.

Patrick has been to Victoria's house over a hundred times in the past six years, and he knows the place like the back of his own hand.

He ran to the side of the house, knowing that one of the windows was broken and always opens. He climbed atop the house, went inside the window leading to the dining room, and found himself in a room of emptiness.

No dinner table. No dinner chairs. No furniture. Completely empty.

He raced to the living room where he and Victoria must have watched over a dozen movies in.

No television.

He damn nearly wanted to die at this point. How could the one girl whom he had cared so much for, the one girl who ever understood him...just leave?

He slowly crept toward the spiraling stairwell that led to Victoria's bedroom. The room that had been burned into Patrick’s memory for all of eternity.

His heart rapidly beat as his sweaty hands handled the doorknob.

Upon opening the door, Patrick could all of a sudden remember Victoria's image. Her scent still surrounded the room as his teary eyes surveyed what used to be his favorite place in the world.

Then, all by itself in the top corner of the room was a chair, with an envelope sitting atop it.

"Patrick" it read in cursive.

Patrick held the envelope in his hands for a solid minute before reading it. He sat in the chair, opened the envelope, and began crying.

November eleventh, next year. At the bridge. I will be waiting.

...?

The End

Tale 20
Jackson is sitting in science class. His teacher told him to pass out some graded papers. And being the kind of person he is, he doesn't really know anyone's name in his class. He comes across a paper with the name "Xxxle" on the top. So he looks at it for a moment, and then tries pronouncing it out loud so the person could take it. He pronounces it as "Ks...ks..ksuhl". Shortly after, a chubby Puerto Rican girl goes "It's pronounced Cecil!' and snatches the paper from his hands.

Tale 21
"I need you like a flower needs dirt" cried Yuron, speaking to the television set. "You're always there for me, when no one else is."

The television automatically changed to a Soap Opera channel. "I need you, too, my love” said one of the characters.

"One day, television set, we are going to be united" said Yuron.

The television channel then went to an action film. "Together, we will live! Nothing will ever stop us !!" the character from the channel roared.

One day later.

"Hi. I would like to become an actor." exclaimed Yuron to a television network director, such as NBC or ABC.

One year later.

"Quick, television set, change to channel 4!"

The television automatically channeled to 4, and lo and behold, was Yuron acting in a TV show called "Eyeing the Impossible".

See, television set, I told you we'd someday be united =]

Tale 22
Martone felt very gifted. He always had a feeling that he was 'different' from everyone else. "Martone, you are so different." said Racquel, Martone's girlfriend. "Yeah...I guess you could say I am one-of-a-kind, like the Five of Clubs." he proudly replied. "Hold me, Marty!" Racquel desperately pled.

However, Martone could not perform such a task. You see, Martone didn't have any arms.

"One big hug, coming right up!!" Martone then closed his eyes, began whispering to himself, and next thing Racquel knew, two giant arms sprouted from Martone's chest.

"The difference between three and two is one, and I, too, am different, just as I am one-of-a-kind" Martone smiled.

"Just like the Five of Clubs" Racquel said back.

Tale 23
Siobhan (pronounced like 'sibling' without the 'g') was a big fan of the sports team 'The Tranquilizers'. Pretty much, this sport was unlike any other- it involved a ball, naturally, but the goal of the sport was to hold the ball in as many different positions as you could.

The Tranquilizers were on pace to set a new record with 53 different positions, and Siobhan was following every step of the way.

In the final game of the year, The Tranquilizers were up to 49 different positions, when all of a sudden Siobhan leaped out from the stands and began chanting.

"Shapes and forms, use your mind!!!" she cried out.

She was taken away be security immediately.

Later that game, The Tranquilizers set a record of 67 different positions.

Siobhan committed suicide a day later because she didn't witness this triumphant feat first hand.

Tale 24
Jeckel and Fubsa were best of friends. Inseparable, if you will. Where one went, so did the other, almost as though they were each other's own shadows.

One foggy morning, with winds reaching up around 17 mph, the duo decided to go kite flying.

"Our kite will scale the axes!" yelped Fubsa.

"Indeed, it shall survey the vast land!" agreed Jeckel.

After spending a gruesome three hours, they finally complete the ultimate kite. It was black with white streaks pacing around all corners. They painted on a red cross in the middle, and a pirate's skull beneath it.

They then climbed up to the highest hill in the land. They could hardly breathe by the time they reached the summit!!

"Alright Fubsa, this is it!" shouted Jeckel, with his word echoing around.

And with that, Fubsa released the kite and let it soar with the wind.

"Whooooosh. Whoosh whoosh whoooooooosh!" sounded Jeckel, mimicking the kite.

"Ahhh hahahaha!!! Ahhahaha!!! Look at it go, Jeckel!!" gleed Fubsa.

Hours passed as the two boys flew their kite. The day never seemed to darken, not as long as the kite was in the sky.

"Alright, I'm parched, Fubsa. Let's call it a day and get something to drink." exclaimed Jeckel.

"Yeah, I'm kind of tired, too. Perhaps some food, too, sounds good." yawned Fubsa.

As the boys prepared their descent, they noticed that the kite's string would not come forward.

"Hey...the kite is stuck." said Fubsa.

"Huh? Just pull back the string. Here gimme." Jeckel stated.

But neither of the boys were able to obtain the kite.

Both boys sighed, and left the kite to fly astray.

Rumor now has it that whenever someone looks out their window on a foggy morning, out in the far away distance, beyond the furthest clouds, a black kite can be seen floating carelessly beyond the flow of time.

Tale 25
"Fine! I'll go to the movies with you as long as you promise to stop begging me." said Nasia, the prettiest girl in the state of Nevada.

"Yesssss. I must be the luckiest guy in the world !!" replied Kullyn, an outgoing girl-chaser.

"I don't know why you're so happy. It's not like I even want to go, I am only agreeing to shut you up." Nasia remarked.

"The way I see it, as long as we go together, in public, then it is fine by me." Kullyn exclaimed.

Kullyn had always loved girls. Ever since age 5 he has been hitting on babes left and right. Rumor has it his birth-mother had to give him up for adoption to a single father because she didn't think she'd be able to resist his woo-ful charm much longer.

Nasia was the desire of just about every guy that ever laid eyes on her. They all wanted to date her, but she never would succumb. That is, until, Kullyn had a say in things.

*Three hours later*

"Well, here we are, at the theatre. Let's go with 'Death Tattoo: The Cynical Reminder', shall we?" asked Kullyn.

"As long as the theatre is dark and no one can see us together, then it's fine by me" Nasia agreed.

Kullyn purchased two tickets and they both headed toward the entrance.

"Ugh, I can't believe I'm here" thought Nasia.

"I am sooooo suave" thought Kullyn.

Halfway through the movie, Kullyn pretended to yawn and outstretched his arm over Nasia's shoulder. Nasia, not being an amateur to such pickup moves, shoved his arm off of her. Kullyn then tried whispering into Nasia's ear. Nasia smacked him and turned away.

"Nasia, the least you can do here is try to make the best of the situation." Kullyn convincingly remarked.

"Listen, butt-breath, I don't like you. I don't like this movie, I don't like the way you're hitting on me, and I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT THIS! Now I agreed to come to this movie with you, but that was it. I would greatly apprec-

Nasia was interrupted as Kullyn kissed her smack in the lips.

About seven or eight seconds pass.

"That...that was amazing..." said Nasia. "I have never felt so much emotion within one kiss in my entire life...

"Eh, it was alright. This movie blows, I'm out." said Kullyn as he walked out of the theatre, never looking back.

Tale 26
Eugene was walking around his neighborhood just like he always does at 5 PM on Tuesdays. But instead of taking a left on Corby street, he decides to go straight. He notices a whole bunch of new landmarks that he never knew existed before, such as a Super Stop & Shop, a Commerce Bank, and even a middle school, just to name a few. "What the, how could I not know there was a MIDDLE SCHOOL here? This isn't the same one I went to..." thought Eugene. Little did Eugene know that Corby street was the nexus of his universe, and he was now in a different dimension.

Tale 27
Horrec, King of an outlandish country located outside the outskirts of the old Ottoman Empire, no longer desired to be King.

"The pressure...it is too much! How can a man get any sleep with all this pressure? It is impossible to please all the citizens without having to hear a complaint from somebody!" he cried to the heavens.

Then, to King Horrecs surprise, a voice from above replied "Abdicate"

"!!?!" said King Horrec.

"Abdicate" the voice repeated.

"I can't! The people need me...it will be total and utter chaos without my guidance!" he spoke aloud.

"Abdicate, or accept a life of constant turmoil."

"Constant.....turmoil. That is what my life has been, and that is why I have been in such dismay all these past years."

"Abdicate!" the voice demanded

"I. WILL. ABDICATE!!!"

King Horrec abdicated the next day, and the voice from the heavens became King in his place.

Decades have passed since the old King Horrecs country has last been governed. There have been famines, thievery, and murders all around...all because of one masked villainous citizen.

"Stop that now!" said Voice from the Heavens

"What are you, a mere voice, going to do??! HAHAHA!!" said the masked villainous citizen.

"..." the Voice from the Heavens was silenced.

"Heh, I hope you have learned your lesson, Voice." said the masked villainous citizen.

"Lesson? Elaborate, I demand you to!" said Voice from the Heavens.

The villainous citizen unmasked himself, only to reveal old King Horrec himself !!

"Never let yourself think you can do better than King Horrec! Never think King Horrec is too overworked to continue his duties. And never think King Horrec can't handle every single probl-

Just then, King Horrec was struck with an arrow from a far away figure.

"SCORE, no more crimes will be committed anymore!" said Voice.

The outlandish land was then sent into a Golden Age for the rest of eternity.

---

FIN