Alec's Top 10 Least Favorite Peoples To Share The Road With

Alec's Top 10 Least Favorite Peoples To Share The Road With was a rankings topic that AlecTrevelyan made in January of 2011 after having a bad experience on his commute to work that day.

The Rankings
Driving home from work today reinforced some rather nasty stereotypes. I will evaluate them here, with objective and respectful analysis.

10.) Chinese people. Stop riding your ****ing bikes on the interstate! Why should I have to learn your stupid hand signals? I’ve got a hand signal for you. It’s my fist punching you in the dick. They’re all Lance Armstrong wannabes, I hate those little yellow things, how shallow are you that you want to show people you don’t like cancer. Really? You don’t like cancer? Wow, that puts you in the very small minority of ****ING EVERYBODY. And you’re not even regularly anti-terminal diseases, you had to be bribed with a trendy piece of plastic. Thanks a lot, ******.

(Don’t even get me started on rickshaws. What is this, a ****ing Jackie Chan movie?)

9.) Mexicans. Maybe if they spent more time paying attention to the road and less time stealing jobs from hard working Americans, they wouldn’t be so much of a problem.

8.) Canadians. Yeah, we get it, you like hockey. That doesn’t mean you have to drive a zamboni everywhere. It makes the road all slippery behind you, and not ALL of us have ice skates and dog sleds on hand to get around it, nor do we have universal health care to cover our inevitable accidents. Plus, thanks to all that bull**** about equal language preference, those QuebeQUOOIIII??? think that all of their bumper stickers have to be in French too. Just want I want, bad puns with ****ing subtitles.

7.) Switzerland. Their cars are always in neutral.

6.) New Jersey people. If anybody from New Jersey reads this, they will have to acknowledge that being above the bottom of a list for once is pretty much the lone highlight in their sad, lonely and pathetic existence. Let's be honest, the only reason we pretend they're part of America is so that parents can threaten their kids that they'll send them to New Jersey if they don’t behave.

5.) The Dutch. You’ve all been there before. Driving down a road, and there’s a car with a grateful dead bumper sticker in front of you that is smoking like a dry ice machine on wheels. You aren’t even close enough to read their license plate, and you’re getting a contact high. They think every car is a cop so they’re going about 15 miles per hour but you’ve gotta get somewhere. You have to get somewhere so you try to pass them but their driving is erratic because it’s really hard to drive in those wooden shoes. Finally, you get around them, and you get to work, and you think it’s all cool, but then the boss sniffs the air and is like “Where have you been” and you’re like “There were these dutch guys” and your boss is like “yeah right, no smoking on the job you’re fired”. Thanks a lot Holland.

4.) Irish people The men get drunk and can't drive. While they’re drunk, they punch their wives in the face. Their eyes get all black and swollen so they can’t see anything, so now they DOUBLE they can't drive. It’s like a Helen Keller joke but with domestic violence.

3.) English. Let me draw you a mental picture. Traffic is ridiculously heavy. You’re at a highway merge and you need to change lanes, but you were distracted and forgot to change early enough so now you’re right before the merger. Understandably, everybody in the other lane is thinks you’re trying to cut the line when they’ve been sitting their forever trying to get going, so they’re all staying bumper to bumper so you can’t get in. All the people behind you are honking and you’re beginning to think you might not be able to get in the lane and will be stuck on the wrong highway. Just as you begin to despair, a spot begins to open. You look at it, and the driver waving you to go in. You point at yourself and mouth “Me?” The heavensent driver nods. Euphoric, you pull into the lane. You smile and wave at this beacon of politeness. He waves back, but then you realize something terrifying. He is smiling. His smile a grim, perverted spectre of terror, you suddenly understand what it must have been like to come face to face with Cthulu. Those teeth seems to be reaching out to drag you down into the abyss… you try to look away but your eyes are drawn as if you are a group of iron filings in the presence of a magnet of destruction. Right as you are about to pass the event horizon of the black hole of despair… CRASH you’ve driven into a jersey barrier.

I hope the English dental system gets a commission from personal injury lawyers, because they’re responsible for a significant portion of their business.

2.) The Vatican. They call it the "Popemobile". "Mobile"? Have you SEEN the street when the Popemobile is around? Clearly the name is meant to be ironic. At least maplejet appreciates it.

1.) Iraqis. You know when you’re playing Mario Kart, and you’re in a tense race, but then everything seems to start going your way. You get the golden mushroom, you dodge the shells, you take a turn too tight on rainbow road and you’re sure you’re about to go off the edge, but SOMEHOW you stay on… life seems to be perfect. You’re right at the finish line, about to finish off your greatest triumph ever… when BAM blue shell. Right on the finish line, you watch with horror as your rival passes you. The feeling of impotence is overwhelming, and you are left crippled and broken. In real life, we call blue shells IEDs.

BLUE SHELLS RUIN EVERYTHING.