FAHtastic's Top Ten Manliest Men in Gaming History

These are FAHtastic's Top Ten Manliest Men in Gaming History ranked for Ed Bellis's What Would You Do.

Top 10 Manliest Men In Gaming History
Back in the golden age of gaming, when games were old and mostly bad, manly men could be found in the hundreds. But in an era where our heroes are either generic, gruff mercenaries with a dark past or wing-wielding, dye-job namby with a dark past, are there any real ‘bad dudes’ left in modern gaming? Well, clearly. It wouldn’t be much of a list otherwise.

#10: Gordon Freeman (Half-Life series)

Yeah, scientists aren’t manly. Not even the ones in films who fight dinosaurs or Godzilla (although he’s sorta like a dinosaur, I guess). So why is the one free man on this list? Well, because he’s the least manly, manly video game character ever. Stay with me. Ok, so he wears glasses and a lab coat and probably hasn’t ever chopped wood or eaten a really big steak, but manliness is like a muscle. A weak person who uses 100% of a muscle will be stronger than a stronger person who uses 10%. Ok, so they’ll cause irreversible damage to said muscle, but…well, it’s a not a perfect simile, I’ll admit. Gordon has only a limited amount of manliness, but he maximises its potential. Unlike most scientists who would probably just go and get torn in half somewhere, Gordon picked up a crowbar and went and did some stuff.

#9: Bill Rizer (Contra series)

Contra may not have been the first of its kind (it might be; I haven’t really done the leg work behind that statement) but it’s certainly the most popular (maybe). Bill Rizer is a man who achieved the rank of ‘Contra’, which is probably pretty impressive. He could, if he wanted to, take out an entire alien army all by himself. And rumour has it, he once ate a tree. All of this is fine and dandy, but does this really make you manly or just a little trigger happy and a bit stupid. Well, yes, mostly, but that’s pretty manly on its own. What sets Bill apart from the rest is that, for one, he didn’t die doing it. Plus, he didn’t return in a sequel as a bad guy. Most importantly, he got himself cryogenically frozen so that whenever there was an alien race that needed wiping out, they could just thaw him out and put him to work before chucking him back in the freezer, ensuring that every possible moment of his life was spent fighting. Then he cloned himself, so he could keep doing it. I could have mentioned Lance somewhere, but Predator is better than Rambo, so, eh.

#8: Mike Haggar (Final Fight series)

In the good old days, when a family member of an important, political figure was taken hostage, they didn’t have the police or FBI agents trying to track them down whilst said figure put on a brave face on TV; they didn’t send a guy with a megaphone to negotiate with the kidnappers, and they certainly didn’t send in hundreds of armed officers to kill everything when negotiations broke down. They put on their coat (or take it off in Mike’s case), get a couple of your friends and kick ass across the streets of the city. Ok, so clothes-lining thugs might not be very mayorly, but hot-damn, I’d vote for him. Plus his mustache is just dripping with masculinity and blood from a, no doubt, raw steak.

#7: Ryuta Ippongi (Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan)

The agents from Elite Beat Agents would probably be more recognisable, but screw it, Ryuta is far more manly. The Ouendan are a group of all male cheerleaders. Ok, yeah, this might not scream testosterone, but trust me here. A group of men who realised that they were so manly, they could inspire others to achieve greatness just by dancing to J-Pop in their presence. From helping teachers to control their class, to helping a couple of police officers fight off an alien invasion, the Ouendan never physically assist their ‘clients’, they just exude manliness while busting some mad moves. On a final note, say what you want about the Elite Beat Agents, dancing at a little girl who just lost her dad at Christmas is no where near as manly as making a salaryman giant enough to fight a monster rat that kidnapped his daughter. It’s cruel, more than anything.

#6: Captain Falcon (F-Zero series)

Again, a man in spandex might not seem too manly, but the Cap’ pulls it off with gusto. Hell, he pulls everything off with gusto. After becoming a legendary racer, Falcon realised that he wasn’t nearly kicking as much ass as he could be and decided to become a bounty hunter. A world famous one at that, and he didn’t even need a power-suit. When he fights, he makes sure to scream his attacks with a manly roar, ensuring that his foes are well aware that it was the Falcon that kicked their ass and how. He isn’t a man who likes to brag about his victories, returning immediately to his island racetrack to perfect his skills. Some say he does this because of his notoriety with the criminal underworld, but when you consider that Captain Falcon has ticked off people on a galactic scale, sitting on an island really isn’t hiding. If anything, he’s making sure that the world’s worst criminals know exactly where he is, in case they want to rumble. Finally, he has a gun, but rarely uses it. It may contain pez.

#5: Doomguy (Doom series)

Silent protagonists in first person shooters are dime-a-dozen, but the Doomguy was the first (probably). A space marine working for the Union Aerospace Corporation, Doomguy, or 'The Marine', was dropped on Phobos to investigate a supposed demon/zombie invasion. When his entire team was wiped out, DG didn’t hesitate for a second to burst in and take them down. Fact is, with the rest of his team dead, he was free to BFG the legions of hell to hell without worrying about friendly fire. He wouldn't feel self-conscious about grinning like an idiot whilst he did it either. The Doom series has gone down hill recently, but the Doomguy will be remembered for years to come. He recently had a bit part in Halo 3.

#4: Frank West (Dead Rising)

Yeah, yeah, he’s reported on wars apparently. It’s been done. Diving into a zombie infested mall for a story is not manly, just stupid. Still, it does take some balls, especially when you plan ahead to stay there for three days. Frank West stands as one of the four pillars of gaming manliness for another reason: he had fun while he was doing it. Consider the protagonists of your average survival horror. Leon Kennedy, James Sunderland, that guy from Alone in the Dark, they’re all a bit grim about the whole ordeal. But Frank doesn’t conserve ammo or whine about his past. He picks up a parasol and dives head in. Knowing that he’s only one bite away from being infected, he spends more time face planting the undead than looking for a cure. Finally, he consumed an entire food court, yet he complained that his belly was not full.

#3: Dan Hibiki (Street Fighter Alpha series)

Yahoo! The second pillar of gaming manliness, Dan Hibiki is the king of manly tears. A parody by nature and arguably the worst character in the entire Street Fighter series, Dan still enters the Street Fighter tournament to avenge his father’s death. Considering the man that killed him was Sagat, someone who Ryu has trouble with, that’s pretty manly. Despite being entirely outclassed by the Street Fighter lineup, by international standards, Dan is still a world class fighter. But enough of that, he taunts. A lot. Ok, maybe making fun of someone bigger and stronger than you isn’t that smart, but Dan excels at it. And when he wins (or loses) he cries tears that only the most absorbent, man-sized tissues can handle. OYAJIIIIIII!!!!

#2: Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem series)

Nowadays, if you wear a tight vest, sport a buzz-cut and fool around with every woman in sight, you’re usually serving time in a woman’s correctional institute, but Duke Nukem, the third pillar of gaming manliness, was a man back in the day when it was ok to be a man. Not belonging to any military organisation, Duke originally decided to save the world because it was interrupting his TV watching. Not possessing any enhanced super-human strength or high-tech armour, Duke was armed only with raw machismo, super-strength testosterone and a sharp pair of sunglasses. I could make a joke about Duke Nukem Forever, but I won’t. His vest was red.

#1: Snake (Metal Gear series)

Naked or Solid, both are equally as awesome as the other...being the same person and all...technically. Here is a man who, upon realising that no one was his equal, had himself cloned so he could kick his own ass. You could argue that sneaking around and knifing people in the back isn’t very manly, but the fact is, Snake is doing his foes a favour. After all, the only thing more terrifying than being killed by Snake, is knowing that you’re about to be. Besides, if you play the game properly, you’re supposed to sneak around the soldiers deemed unfit to face Snake in man to man combat, instead making a beeline for the big bosses…unless you are Big Boss, then they’re smaller bosses. With a rugged, five O’clock shadow, an impressive mullet and being the only man in history who has beaten up both Optimus Prime and Mario, Snake stands tall on the highest pillar of gaming manliness.

And there it is, the ten manliest men in gaming history. There may well be some characters that have yet to achieve a level of manliness that could rival this list, but that’s a matter for another day. I should point out, for now, this isn’t an opinion; it’s stone, cold, irrefutable fact of a massive scale.