Yoblazer ranks the male Brawl roster in order of how much poon tang they can get

yoblazer ranks the male Brawl roster in order of how much poon tang they can get

31. Lucas
Even if you disregard his geeky looks and clearly pre-pubescent age and body type, this kid will never get a slice of pie. He's a complete coward in the Subspace Emissary, making Ness look ballsier than Leon freaking Kennedy. It's true in life, the video game world, and in these ranking topics: an insufferably meek dweeb who runs from fights will never get the girls. Lucas falls in dead last, even below the characters I'm not even sure have sexual organs and the ones who would have no logical desire to ever have sex EVER. Enjoy your ice casting powers, you cowardly little bastard; you'll need them for a lifetime of cold showers.

30. Toon Link
Link is, in all of his iterations, one of the most selfless and heroic characters in gaming history. Unfortunately for his legion of screaming fangirls, he also strikes me as the type who'd rather rescue a talking leaf from a hellish dungeon than ask a nice Hylian gal if she'd like her Gerudo Valley plowed. This is true of all Links, but Toon Link has the added innocence of an even younger youth (we know "Classic Link" as a teen, but Toon Link is like 10 at most) and an art style that would fit right at home on a Disney Saturday morning cartoon line-up. Link's the man, but get your head out of the gutter, ya freaks. It ain't happening here.

29. Popo
When you've got a chick who literally hangs on to you 24/7 for fear of losing her life and *STILL* wind up on the bottom of this list, it kinda says a lot. Just look at this guy. You goddamn know Nana isn't ****ing him. She probably uses those Ice Climber polar bears or weird round furry guys to get off during their expeditions, and Popo has to either pretend he's not looking or go "survey the tracks ahead" which basically means he's going to rub one out while doused in tears that freeze before they hit the ground. I imagine the sick bastard might take Nana to heights too extreme, wherein she passes out from the cold or lack of oxygen, and he has his way with her. But that is rape, and it is not something I will reward or condone. Sick bastard.

28. Diddy Kong
I know he's an animal, and that animals are known for ****ing like, well, animals, but I just can't get that impression about Diddy Kong. The backwards cap, the flung banana peels, the high-pitched simian howls of enthusiasm - Diddy is just too innocent and strikes me as an ape more at home collecting baseball cards than he is chasing ass. Plus, the dominant brute DK likely has a monopoly on all the ladies in their monkey village, including the voluptuous Candy Kong and probably even Dixie Kong. Like I said, animals.

27. R.O.B
. R.O.B. is a robot. He's not organic, is mass-produced in a factory, and has no need whatsoever for sexual organs or a desire for the act of sex. The fact that he's not in last place should tell you something about the nature of his competition. Truth be told, he'll probably never get any again, and the only reason he outranks four guys is because he likely has a few parts that can be modified into functional sex toys (seriously, you can't say rhymes with bildo?), a revelation Peach surely discovered during the Subspace Emissary.

26. Pit
This might be a controversial placement. After all, Pit is heroic, he certainly looks of age, and he's a pretty handsome angel if I do say so myself. Like Link, however, the problem here is Pit's attitude. I have no doubt he'd be able to get plenty of rumpous maximus if he wished it, but he just strikes me as too much of a boy scout. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and Pit's version of heaven is filled with nude frolicing with Palutena, but that would surprise me.

25. Kirby
No one is sure if Kirby is even packing a peter. Additionally, I'm relatively confident he's asexual, yet he finds himself ranked ahead of half a dozen others. This is because the cute little guy has such a voracious appetite that I'm absolutely certain he has mistaken a girl's girly parts for actual food on many occasions. When you're Kirby, boobs look like melons, butts look like big ol' round peaches, and that special place looks like a tasty taco (some of the run down, ravaged females in the Nintendo universe probably smell like Mexican food down there, anyway). Kirby himself probably tastes like marshmallows, which makes it all the more enticing for the ladies to tongue bath anything protruding from his round little body.

24. Link
This guy could be #1. NUMBER ONE. He can easily be the top guy here if he had any desire for it. Throughout the legendary Zelda mythos, how many women have thrown themselves at Link? How many would have fulfilled any perverted, nasty desire he might have had? ALL OF THEM. The answer is ALL OF THEM. Hylian women, Kokiri women, Zora women, bird women, alien women from another dimension - they've all had a hankering for some grade-A elf meat. And they never get it, at least not voluntarily. I've played through many a Zelda game, and I know my boy Link well enough to know for a fact that he has never been after the carnal pleasures, not once. He risks his tail, saves someone from the jaws of death, gets offered a very hit-able piece of booty, and what does he do? He passes it up to go risk his tail to save someone else (usually a fat guy or a 6-ton Goron or something). He really is the Jesus Christ of the video game world - he risks it all for everyone else, and demands nothing in return.

But that doesn't stop the ladies from trying, and I'm not even talking about the damned video game girls now. Link has an army of REAL LIFE fangirls more numerous than all those Backstreet Boys and N'Sync groupies of the late 90s. These REAL LIFE girls would murder their damn boyfriends for one sniff of Link's crotch. Think it's far-fetched? There are probably three or four said real life girls reading this right now. spork, ngirl, Ryoko, goddamn TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG. You would let Link **** on your chest. Seriously, if Link asked to **** on your chest, you'd only ask to remove your expensive new bra beforehand. And then you'd enjoy it. And then no one would blame you. Because he is Link.

And that's why he outranks a handful of guys. Even though Link has never wanted it and probably runs away from it in order to save incompetent morons in distress, his throng of wannabe lovers is just too damned persistent. I am sure there have been cases where a lady has gotten the jump on him, tied him up, and humped his bones dry. That earns him his place.

23. Ness
Oh my god, Ness ahead of Link?!?! Hey, every good list should have a bit of controversy, and this one is no different. At first glance, Ness seems to be identical to Lucas. They're both young, short, geeky looking kids. However, Ness impressed me a lot more with his heroism and confidence during the Subspace Emissary, and such behavior usually goes over well with the ladies (it's also one of the only resources I have for ranking these characters I don't know jack-poop about outside of Smash). Also, while this may sound offensive or even racist, I just get a different vibe from Ness than I do from Lucas. Lucas is the helpless, blond little apple-pie eating kid who's trading baseball cards on the sidewalk. Ness, on the other hand, looks a bit more deviant and more Asian (in that kinky Asian way we're ALL familiar with so let's not even try to act politically correct), kinda like that Japanese kid on American Dad. But yeah, whereas I can't picture it with Lucas, I can easily see Ness using his psychic powers to part a girl's cheeks and dive in there for a PSI-powered buffet. Star Man? More like Rod Man, am I rite guys.