Pac-Man

As always, the chattering classes of Board 8 have managed to completely overlook the utter simplistic brilliance of the ultimate video game classic, Pac-Man. This yellow crusader made obesity acceptable years before Mario came onto the scene. Pac-Man brought unconditional acceptance to gamers of all body shapes and masses. Do your friends mock you because life as a couch potato has left you rotund and helpless to do anything but roll around? Is your entire body stained with grease and yellow food coloring? Pac-Man allows you to kid yourself that you too can make a difference in a fantasy world where one wrong move spells death.

The board itself is a masterpiece of subtle imagery, with Masonic imagery filling the narrow confines of the screen in Pac-Man's search for enlightenment. You play the role of an ADD drug addict on the run from the law, aided by a brilliant performance by four demon possessed umbrellas. In what may be the most cutting satire of all, these "good cop" "bad cop" "fast cop" "mad cop" characters are given nicknames reminiscent of the three stooges and shemp, whimsically commenting upon the degradation of American intellect through fluoridation and the prevalence of slapstick comedy. These teletubbie predecessors are as lively as they are despicable, and in many ways they represent the true heroes of the Pac-Man saga, in their tragic confused effort for a cause they can neither comprehend nor justify. Sexual tensions abound between the four, and the prevalence of pinky/clyde fanfiction alone implies that there may have been more going on in the back allies of the arena then the creators were willing to admit.

Pac-Man is in a race against time and the forces of order themselves, in his madcap attempt to fulfill every hippie's fantasy. A slave to his addiction, Pac-Man must consume all drugs on the screen before fleeing the scene of the crime, as reality itself warps around him, sending him hurtling from one corner of the screen to another. With the add of power pellets, the first TRUE product placement in a commercialized video game, Pac-Man is able to call upon all the powers of repressed male sexuality and send the heterophobic "ghost" characters running. But in the greatest irony of all, true evil can never be defeated, only briefly assuaged, as the recently violated members of law will only be back for more.

The apocalyptic scenario our hero finds himself in only grows worse as he is forced to consume all that lies within his path. Policemen, fruit, keys, even small children fall victim to Pac-Man, eater of worlds. His insatiable hunger grows with every level, forcing the player himself to choose between sacrificing Pac-Man's drug-addled soul, or pressing onwards in a futile quest against a system set up to torture the iconoclastic into submission.

In the end, Pac-Man, like Jesus, must sacrifice himself to end the cycle of violence that is tearing his world apart. His tiny form is inverted upon itself as he literally eats his own tail... only to be reincarnated at the touch of a button. Pac-Man raises even deeper questions about the nature of death, salvation, and a belief in an existence beyond the twisting nether. The misunderstood savior continues his Pavlovian quest after a fulfillment that is denied to him by the forces of bigotry and hate. It is impossible to leave Pac-Man's symmetric dystopia without reflecting upon the futility of pleasure and search for higher meaning we must all face.

Pac-Man is the template from which all true video games were wrought. Unlike the sell-out Pong, it gave us a new genre which pushed the limits of the level of violence that would be acceptable for an American audience. We are all Pac-Man on the inside. It gave us a second look at a world we too often hide away, and let us in on the deepest mazes and ghost filled caverns of our own souls.

Pac-Man died for your sins. A vote for Pac-Man is a vote for God.

Written by Villainous Magus