Results Edit

Round OneR1M60
Tuesday, August 6th, 2013

Ulti's Analysis Edit

Also known as the rally that never was. This match is what base League of Legends strength looks like, and it was really funny watching everyone assume Teemo would take off without the little s*** ever doing it.

For those wondering why Teemo was never rallied even with a topic on the LoL subreddit just as upvoted, it's because the League community hates Teemo. He is the most hated hero/champ/whatever of any MOBA ever made, and it isn't even close. Entire streams are dedicated just to watching Teemo die 24/7, all day every day. There are people who would rather study Teemo death stats instead of League itself.

Ever go to a store and watch some obnoxious little s*** of a spoiled kid never get disciplined by their idiot parents because "every child is special"? That's basically how Teemo plays as a champion, and he's Riot's Mary Sue so he's constantly getting thrown in our faces as MASCOT MASCOT MASCOT MASCOT MASCOT MASCOT MASCOT MASCOT MASCOT. The only people who actually enjoy playing Teemo are trolls and bads.

Every single one of his abilities is annoying as f***, too. His passive lets him go invisible, his Q gets f***ing 80% AP because what the hell, all his attacks slow, he gets a movespeed bonus because herpaderpa I'm Teemo, and his ultimate is the dumbest thing ever and thank god they finally patched it to give gold when killing the stupid mushrooms.

At least with Techies in Dota, you needed a lot of skill and map awareness to play him well, otherwise the game is 4v5. Teemo is just overpowered garbage whose dad didn't beat the crap out of him enough. So glad he got blown out in this match.

Draven winning this contest at least made sense. Had Teemo won, all the hate that GameFAQs gave this contest would have been fine.

Zen's (Late) AnalysisEdit

Back in 2013, right after this contest, I went to PAX East with some of my buddies who were super into LoL. Again, the convention was right after this contest, so I thought LoL was lame as hell.

Riot Games was having some contest where every day in the morning they would hide Teemo mushrooms all around the convention center. If you found one of these glowing green tchotchkes, you could bring it to any Riot Games employee at the foul-smelling LoL booth and they would give you a Teemo hat, free of charge! They'd also let you keep the mushroom.

So in I strolled on day 2, my friends scrambled around the convention hall looking for these fucking mushrooms. I saw some nerds grab them from different non-affiliated booths and hold them aloft like it was a Piece of Heart. I had no interest, so I kept right on along to some game demo booth. I think it was Borderlands TPS?

I was waiting in line and my eyes, still tired from waking up early, wandered over to some random clothing booth across the way. There, on the floor, under their table, I saw a glowing green mushroom. I looked left, looked right. Nobody was making a move. I made eye contact with the man at the booth. He saw that I saw. I wasn't interested but I felt obligated to get the mushroom for my friends. I got out of line, went over and took the mushroom.

"Congrats," the man at the booth said, "A ton of people ran right by it. You must be pretty excited."

I looked up and forced a smile. "Yeah," I mustered unenthusiastically, "I, uh, love Teemo."

I got back in line. One of my friends caught up with me.

"I couldn't find a mushroom anywhere! Maybe tomorrow," he said with a frown.

I held up the mushroom.

"HOLY SHIT!" He grabbed my arm and dragged me out of line and to the Riot booth. I handed the mushroom to a Riot rep.

"Wow! That was fast," the rep said. He took the mushroom from my hand, popped the top off of the base, and put a small black "X" on the inside of it to mark that it had been turned in. He then went to the back and grabbed a Teemo hat and handed it to me. I said nothing during this entire exchange. "Congrats, man! Enjoy the con!" he finished.

I turned and handed my friend the Teemo hat. We then walked back to the booth. I looked down at the mushroom. How anti-climactic.

"Hey, man," my friend started, "I know you hate League cuz of that GameFAQs thing. You mind if I have the mushroom? You can keep the hat, they're worth like $15 on eBay right now."

Well, I don't like League, but I do like money. "Let me try something first," I said. I popped open the top of the mushroom, licked my finger, and slowly but surely rubbed off the black "X."

I turned around. We went back to the booth. It was massive, bigger than Nintendo's, so I found another rep far from the one I first went to. I handed them the mushroom. They handed me a hat and marked the mushroom. I walked away. I did it again. I did it about ten times throughout the day.

That mushroom and those hats paid for my PAX East ticket.

I love Teemo.

Also I don't feel bad because Riot got #metoo'd yesterday, and I believe it. Fuck those guys:

Oh yeah there was a match, people thought Teemo would get rallied but there was a 24-hour Twitch stream that was just clips of Teemo dying so yeah not even LoL people cared. How did he even get in?

L-Block looked good here, he has natural meme strength. Palutena was hot off of being made into a real character. Post Smash 4 and 5, she might have grown in strength, but probably not enough to come back.

2013 Contest Matches

Round One
Link > Isaac > Tingle
Raiden > Waluigi > Alan
Yoshi > Solaire > Demi-Fiend
Shepard > Olimar > Kain
Tharja > Tina > Juliet
Aeris > Hero > Rinoa
Draven > Jak > Chie
Ryu > Yuri L > Face
X > Jigglypuff > Welkin
Sonic > Fei > Dan
Dracula > Lucina > Caim
Barret > Layton > Reimu
Wrighto > Marth > Nightmare
Vincent > KOS-MOS > Dunban
Mewtwo > Zero > Chester
The Boss > Chrom > Heavy
Sub-Zero > Garrus > Frank
Bowser > M.Knight > Archer
Seph > Midna > L.Mac
Morrigan > Edgey > 47
Spyro > Clementine > Reyn
Luigi > Balthier > Jade
Big Boss > Viridian > Peacock
Ness > Locke > CATS
Elizabeth > Poison > Thrall
Kirby > Terra > Peach
Crash > Wheatley > Vercetti
Snake > Isaac > Keen
Alucard > C.Falcon > Rydia
Bayonetta > N > Wander
GLaDOS > Cole > Ragna
Ike > Proto Man > Robotnik
Epona > Mordin > Niko
Altair > Ratchet > Shulk
Lara > Slime > Yuri H
Kefka > Zack > Ryu H
Cloud > Prinny > Armstrong
Frog > Joe > Jack
Lugia > Sly > York
Dante > Laharl > Raz

Squirtle > Ramza > Denton
Zidane > Ridley > Dancin'
Shadow > Yu > Kat
Leon > Wesker > Oliver
Gordon > Simon > Hades
Crono > Missile > Kerrigan
Pikachu > Lloyd > Big Daddy
Magus > Otacon > Jade C
Sora > Scorpion > Aya
Gilgamesh > Booker > Kaim
Yoshimitsu > Lu Bu > Groose
G&W > Lee > Meat Boy
Drake > Pac-Man > Steve
Blue > Fox > Wolf
Samus > Sandbag > Isaac C
Catherine > Neku > Vaas
Knuckles > Celes > Seifer
Ezio > Tails > Bomberman
Auron > Ocelot > Roxas
L-Block > Palutena > Teemo
Dragonborn > Nook > P.Head
Yuna > Chief > Claire
Tifa > Chun-Li > Cirno
Mario > Duke > Fawful
Vivi > Jensen > Marisa
Ganondorf > Guybrush > Max
Squall > Rayman > Video
Ammy > Vyse > Adol
Missingno > Tidus > Banjo
Wario > Creeper > KoAC
Red > Corvo > Sissel
Wrex > Cecil > Pit
MM > Magikarp > Geno
Kratos > Recette > Travis
Jill > Haggar > Red Bird
Zero > Kratos A > Boko
WCC > Claptrap > Lenneth
Rikku > ?-Block > Lyndis
Zelda > Marston > Sackboy
DK > Lightning > Falco
Charizard > Riku > Nier

Round Two and Beyond
Link > Raiden > Yoshi
Shepard > Aeris > Tharja
Draven > X > Ryu
Sonic > Barret > Dracula
Mewtwo > Wrighto > Vincent
Bowser > Sub-Zero > The Boss
Sephiroth > Morrigan > Spyro
Big Boss > Luigi > Ness
Kirby > Elizabeth > Crash
Snake > Alucard > Bayonetta
GLaDOS > Epona > Ike
Kefka > Altair > Lara
Cloud > Frog > Lugia
Squirtle > Dante > Zidane
Leon > Gordon > Shadow
Pikachu > Crono > Magus
Sora > Gilgamesh > Yoshimitsu
Blue > Drake > G&W
Samus > Knuckles > Catherine
L-Block > Auron > Ezio
Tifa > Dragonborn > Yuna
Vivi > Mario > Ganondorf
Squall > Missingno > Ammy
Red > Wrex > Wario
MM > Jill > Kratos
Zero > Rikku > WCC
Charizard > Zelda > DK
Draven > Link > Shepard
Mewtwo > Sonic > Bowser
Sephiroth > Kirby > Big Boss
Snake > GLaDOS > Kefka
Squirtle > Cloud > Leon
Pikachu > Sora > Blue
Samus > Tifa > L-Block
Red > Squall > Vivi
MM > Charizard > Zero
Draven > Mewtwo > Sephiroth
Snake > Pikachu > Squirtle
Samus > MM > Red
Draven > Snake > Samus (Finals)

Caim > Dancin' > Chester

Bonus Matches
Mario > Crono > X
Link > Snake

MM > Mewtwo > Pikachu

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