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AlecTrevelyan006 ranks the Top 10 Villains from the movie Goldeneye on November/December of 2008. He actually have done this way back at the beginning of 2008, but unfortunately he got really tired near the end and it showed in his write-ups. Therefore, he decided to make a proper write-ups in this REMIX edition of his old list.

Honorable Mention[]

Dmitri

Don't think he counts as a villain, but he is still made of win.

Valentin: He wants me to do HIM a favor!! My knee aches every single day, twice as bad when it is cold. Do you have any idea how long the winter lasts in this country? Tell him Dimitri...
Dimitri: Well, it depends...
Valentin: Silence!!!!

Exactly.

~~10.) Private Ivan Twitchy Fingersov~~[]

It’s the beginning of the film. 007 has infiltrated the Archangel Chemical Weapons Facility, but Soviet soldiers have captured Alec and have Bond cornered. Bond is hiding amidst the gas tanks. The Soviet commander executes Alec, and the rest of the soldiers open fire.
Ourumov: “HOLD YOUR FIRE! You’ll blow the gas tanks!”
Bond fiddles behind the large tanks.
Ourumov: This is your last chance! Come out with your hands above your head….
Bond is moving behind a cart full of gas tanks. The soldiers raise their guns.
Ourumov: WAIT!
Bond moves, using the cart as a shield… one soldier, who is nervous and sweating, squeezes off a few shots that ricochet off the metal. Ourumov promptly turns around and shoots him in the face.


OWNED. That's what you get for not listening when the team was set to "hold fire"!

He's like Boomer in SOCOM. Anybody who has played it knows what I’m talking about. You have been given a stealth mission, you don’t want your men alerting the enemy. You obviously picked the SR-25 SD (the silenced sniper rifle), because you know where all the enemies are, and you want to pick them off one by one until you get near the hostages/bomb/enemy leader/cookout that you weren’t invited to. You probably gave your allies assault rifles just in case, hopefully silenced.

So now level has started, you move forward and get in the bush. Every time you start a mission, you say "team low profile" or "team hold fire” so your guys won’t give away your position. You nestle down with your sniper rifle and wait for the enemy. You wait for a minute, there’s the drunken terrorist walking down the road…. Wait, what? A cutscene pops up showing the alarm going off in the base. How did they see me!??! I’m in a bush in full camo! You turn around, and realize that this entire time Boomer has insisted on standing.

So you restart. You get back to the bush. You start trying phrases into the mic “Get Down” “Team, get down” “Team, lay low” “Able, get down” “Boomer, get the hell into the bush”. Finally, after pleading for 5 minutes he finally lays down.

You pull your rifle out, wait for the bad guys to come... there they are… you wait for them all to come into view… lining up your shot... BANGBANGBANG. Boomer is of course shooting at them from 800 yards away. With an assault rifle. Maybe even an automatic machine gun, or hell, his pistol. Just to spite you. Once again, a cutscene pops up showing the alarm going off in the base.

You reset and try again. You decide to take up post looking around a corner. You tell Boomer to “hold ground” at his spot behind the corner. You zoom in on the guards… BANGBANGBANG cutscene. You turn around and Boomer is crawling up your ass.

You curse Boomer, reset the mission, and just pop him in the head and save your entire damn team some trouble.

Who cares if you lose points off your grade on the mission, or if you're down to 3 men right off? The best solution is ALWAYS to shoot that dumbass in the head before he can ruin it for the whole team. In fact, occasionally I'll just pop him in the head, restart the mission, and repeat a few times in hopes that he'll learn his damn lesson. After one particularly frustrating few tries at a mission, I executed him fourteen times in hopes that one of his reincarnations would have some sort of pattern recognition. The whole time, your team mates Jester and Spectre stand by idly. They are looking the other way. They clearly agree with you and will back you up should their be a military tribunal.

One time, I was killing all the guards around the perimeter of the insertion site. I sneak up on a terrorist who is taking a piss in the pushes, preparing to use the knife attack. Just as I am second away from plunging my bowie into his throat… BANGBANGBANG. Boomer unloads a clip into him. Or rather, AT him. He misses all but one shot, so the terrorist doubles over, fires from the hip, and alerts the whole base. I then unloaded 4 clips of sniper rifle bullets throughout his entire body and then called in the helicopter strike in hopes that somehow that would kill him permanently.

Of course, even if you kill him, he's back for the next mission. Just a flesh wound apparently. I guess a half dozen hollow points to the head means NOTHING. Neither does leaving his body in the cave with the god damn nuclear weapons. The ****er is a god damn Phoenix. Except he is some sort of mentally handicapped Phoenix. Like, a Phoenix that thinks it is a rooster. And then goes around in hunting season crowing. And of course, when he’s reborn, you have to waste MORE ammo and kill him again. Sure, it’s only one bullet, but if you’ve played SOCOM you know how if you decided to pack the extra grenades instead of that second pack of ammo you can run out pretty fast. Obviously, you always use your pistol, because you don't want to waste your sniper rifle or assault rifle ammo. One shot to the dome.

Of course, the true irony of this is that while Boomer’s will often claim he “had to open fire”, and shoot at guys a half mile away, he’ll manage to refrain from shooting at the guy who comes up behind me and puts a desert eagle round in the back of my head as I lie on the ground. I once died and as the camera panned up I could see Boomer sitting behind a rock, looking the other way, then firing on a terrorist in the next time zone.

Then in SOCOM 2, you hear Boomer was "killed in a friendly fire accident" which is good, because even if you couldn't do it, SOMEBODY finished the damn job.I’d like to meet that man and buy him a pint, because he did what thousands of Americans could now.

This time, if you shoot your partner, the rest of the team kills you. But I mean, that makes sense, you’d have to be an idiot to shoot this guy. He can actually listen. In fact, he owns ****. You give that ****er a silenced weapon and And his name is Jester. Which is kinda of like Joker. And I mean, the ****ing Joker kicks ass, much like your squad mate. Plus, since you (Spectre) and Joker were promoted, you get new partners, Wardog and Vandal, and they owned **** too. Just give them rifles, say “attack to delta” and they will exterminate everything along the way. The one downside was your team was TOO good, and it took some of the challenge out on lower difficulty levels.

Damn, Boomers pisses me off. And this guy was like him, so he was really lame. But he got shot like Boomer eventually (though all too late to let me get through that level in any reasonable amount of time). Karma brings him to #10

~~9. Mikhail Necrophilivich~~[]

It is the climax of the movie, at the Goldeneye facility in Cuba. Bond and Natalya have just escaped amidst a huge explosion.

Up on the edge of the satellite dish, the elevator stops at a tower. A guard watches the doors open...revealing Natalia laying on the floor, her back to us. The guard approaches her and...Bond drops down from the ceiling of the elevator. He slams the guard into the metal walls.


Let's be honest. That Russian guy is out in the backwaters of Cuba, standing outside guarding a satelite dish that doubles as a swimming pool. For one, you know the dude has malaria. That dish/pool/lake is not fed by streams, it is standing water, and standing water means mosquitos, and it's ****ing Cuba. Hell, it's hot too, and this is clearly a Russian guy well trained in Northern tundras! And here he is, wearing a heavy uniform, he must be boiling alive. Imagine how much it must suck for a Russian guy to be in this hot as hell place, being eaten alive by mosquitos, standing in the edge of a jungle guarding a place few people know to exist from an enemy who doesn't know it exists (in theory). So not only is his job seemingly meaningless, but he's ridiculously uncomfortable.

So he's got a boring, lonely, miserable life. The location is secluded, so there are not too many people around to meet up with. Add on that he's working all day, and you know he has had no luck with the ladies. He's probably thinking to himself "Damn, I wish I were home in St. Petersburg right now. I'd give ANYTHING for a nice Russian woman. And some vodka. Perhaps some sort of female representative from Stolichnaya Vodka. Hell, at this point, I don't care if she's old or ugly, I have blue balls so big their gravitational fields are pulling my head towards them, and I have to give a nonstop effort to prevent myself ending up in an autoerotic fellatio position. It's especially bad because this is Cuba, so they're not even shrinking down to a manageable size from the cold. Hell, I'd do a dead chick right now..."

Suddenly, a Russian girl (and he knows this, because Russians all have a psychic connection... or at least frozen blood, heavy clothing, and the scent of vodka) pops up.

I mean, it's like the answer to his prayers. FINALLY, something is going right. FINALLY, he won. Could this be the lone happiness in his life?

But he's wary... the Lord works in mysterious ways, and she might just be unconcious from alcohol poisoning. Except Russians can't get drunk or black out from alcohol (Their blood is just replaced with alcohol and they die before they feel any ill effects. Russian tolerance is a prime subject of experimentation for some prominent scientists in Switzerland. You may not know that the real use of the Large Hadron Collider is to test Russian tolerance levels. That makes it science. That's a true fact I just made up) As he does not stop to contemplate theoretical physics, he assumes she's dead.

So he's just about popped half a stalk when BAM whacked against the wall. Then he is smacked face first into the other wall, probably giving a nasty blow to his semi-erect genitals. His last thoughts as he falls unconcious to the floor were probably "DAMN YOU GOD. WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO? I WAS SO HOPING TO TAP THAT DEAD CHICK"

Speaking of necrophiles, I really couldn't get into that. I mean, I've had the image of people dead and naked ruin their hotness for me forever. I mean, remember Katie Holmes? Back before she dated Cocky (the eighth dwarf from the extended scenes of Snow White) and he brainwashed her so now she thinks she's a head of cabbage? At some point I turned on a movie and all I saw was her naked and dead. I could never think of her as attractive again after that. So the thought of banging somebody when they're dead just doesn't seem attractive to me, because she'd seem uglier, and she wouldn't have much of a personality, so you'd have to be REALLLLLLY drunk to do it, and since I'd die if I drank (which would be inconvenient for attempting to have sexual intercourse with somebody who won't reciprocate) it just doesn't grab me that much.

Stephen Lynch's necrophilia song isn't even that great IMO.

I also worry about like... if she was tight before, and there was no lube (dead bodies = no blood flow = you can't use blood aka nature's lube), what if she got stuck. That'd be awkward. Just walking around, going to classes or work, with a naked dead chick hanging off your wang. It would be especially bad if you took fast acting natural male enhancement pills right beforehand. Imagine if you will, the creepy guy from those Enzyte commercials was a necrophile! Imagine all the ads exactly the same except he's skewering a dead chick. Wow, that would make those ads so much better. Just waving at the other guys at work with a corpse a good 7 feet in front of him.

Still, I wouldn't want to do it myself, as I would find it inconvenient to have a dead girl just hanging out my foehammer. I mean, you can't just cut off your wang, so until you had the proper tools, you'd just have to leave her there. Further, I expect it would be uncomfortable, and while the weight might "stretch you out a bit" (I hear they have wang weights, anybody wanna give me some info on that?) but you are risking long term damage. Plus, I mean, sitting at a desk? Trying to fit through a narrow doorway? Walking through a crowded hall? Trying to play guitar hero might be ok because you could rest the instruments on her, but it would make setting the drum set up a little problematic.

Know what would be horrible though? Furry necrophiles. That'd just be wrong. No further discussion necessary.

I don't want to end on that note, so I'll recommend you all my signature drink recipe for my bar!

"Axe Murderer"
0.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Rum
0.5 oz Gin
0.5 oz Tequila
0.5 oz Triple Sec
0.5 oz Amaretto
0.5 oz Southern Comfort
0.5 oz Pineapple juice
Splash grenadine, shake well
Splash of ginger ale
Garnish with cherry flag (folded orange slice with cherry between edges + plastic cocktail sword)

If made properly, you can barely taste the alcohol. Most people will think it is a chick drink and get totally ****ed up.

So basically, this guy is #9. And on that note, I leave you with a picture

https://archive.is/20131016013205/img404.imageshack.us/img404/605/48659703rq6.png

~~8. All Russian Pilots~~[]

INTRO: Bond runs down a runway, chasing a taxing plane, while being shot at by Russian soldiers. He manages to catch up with it, get in, fight the pilot, and have both of them fall to the ground, with the pilot being run over by a guy on a motorcycle. Bond then gets on the motorcycle, leaving roadkill pilot behind as he chases the helicopter.

CLIMAX: Alec and Bond are fighting. Alec's support gunship (helicopter) flies into view. Bond and Alec look up... OH NOES Natalia appears in the chopper and presses a gun in the pilot’s temple.


These two scenes taught me some valuable lessons. For one, apparently if you are fleeing from your enemies, it makes more sense to drive a motorcycle off a cliff without a parachute than to seek any other exit or... well, anything.

Also, that women can be useful every once in a while. At leaset in fiction.

But most importantly, I learned something that we did not cover in introductory genetics. Russian pilots apparently have no peripheral vision.

I found this fact interesting, I would have thought it would be up there with hemophilia as something to mention in introductory bio courses. I did some research, and it turns out that your average Russian has consumed so much vodka that the vitreous humor is 195 proof. Due to it's unique chemical properties, alcohol does NOT make for a very good replacement for the transparents gel that fills the eyes of normal people, leading to blurred vision, red eye, headaches, and in rare cases even blindless. Please talk to your doctor before using vodka as a replacement for bodily fluids.

This explains why pilots don't notice somebody running next to them, standing outside their door, or even IN THE BACK SEAT OF THEIR DAMN VEHICLE. Seriously, I don't know about you, but if I were driving a helicopter, I'd at least look in the back to check that **** is tied down. I don't want a helmet just falling out the side. It's standard preflight procedures. Sure, the guy behind you should have checked it all before he left, but you have to make sure anyways, because the guy before you is inevitably a douchebag and didn't fill the gas or check the tire pressure or unjam the port machines guns. What an ass. I hate that guy. Because after this movie he moved to America and decided to be my coworker so I need to restock everything ever. Luckily, I was able to convince the government that he was a terrorist sympathizer and he got carted off. Hope you enjoy the waterboarding, *******! Bet you're regretting your failure to refill the ice bucket at the end of your shift!

Also... seriously, why does nobody in any movie ever lock the doors of their vehicles. This isn't just flight 101, it's driving 101. Especially if you're in a vehicle that can turn upside down. I mean, if I did a barrel roll, and my straps failed, I wouldn't want to fall against the door and have it open! That'd really suck. You're just chilling out, decide to have some fun, next thing you know you fall 3000 feet and die. Or even worse, you're with your friend and he's a douche and wants to try to make you puke because he's a pilot but he forgot to lock the doors so he falls out and now you're strapped into a plummeting aircraft alone, not knowing how to fly, pissing yourself and frantically searching for the "in case of emergency" brochures you remember from being on an airliner. Then it turns out Tyler Durden and the Space Monkies switched them out with ones of the plane going down in flames and now you're scared EXTRA ****less, but it's okay because you're going to pass out from the G-forces soon and you'll barely feel a thing before you are splattered all over like your excrement after Taco Bell.

So people, why don't you all save yourself the trouble of being Taco Bell'd and start locking your damn doors. I don't even know if you CAN lock plane doors, but you SHOULD be able to.

Either way, what matters its these pilots were memorable (thus in the top 10), but stupid. So instead of pilots, this post is now going to be about wingmen.

James Bond would make a horrible wingman. You have two girls, you extract them from the set, you get your buddy James to come in so you can isolate... all of a sudden they're both banging him. That'd be lame. You'd be doing all the right stuff, DHV, etc, you've managed to get TWO hot chicks (you're with ****ing 007, the coolness rubs off) interested in you, and then Sean Connery comes in and says "Nice-sh shoes, letsh ****" and since it's in a Scottish accent they'll go for him right off the bat and you're left in blue ball valley.

On the other hand, if necrophile guy from above was your wingman, he'd probably knock her unconcious and start sexing her up. Which'd be pretty creepy. Kinda hard to explain to the other girl. So he'd ****block you as well. I can imagine the conversation there.
"Um... so... is he always like this?"
"Oh, not always. Usually he's completely celibate. Also, he usually prefers that they already be down and out, but he's willing to help out a friend"
"That's... nice"
"Yeah, so, hey, did you ever play the TMNT videogame?"
"TMNT? I LOVED TMNT!"
"Really? Want to go play for a bit and have sex"
"SURE!"
Lesson: Chicks did the turtles

Pilots would also probably suck, as they'd start hitting on the bartender by accident and not notice the girl coming up behind them with the mace.

I guess Mr. Triggerhappy would work. I mean, he's probably a premature ejaculator, but that wouldn't pop up til later, so it probably wouldn't be an issue early on.

That'd be a great show though. If they did that pickup artist show on VH1 except with James Bond villains. Going out clubbing with Oddjob, Jaws, Bloefeld, Baron Samedi... "Hey baby, how bout you and I grab some drinks and then I'll show you my third nipple back in my secret subterranean lair?" Jaws is clearly the strong silent type...

If these pilots had had wingmen, preferably ones with peripheral vision, maybe they would have placed higher on the list.

Side note: Imagine having Jack Bauer as your wingman
Me-"Hey Jack, this is Cassidy and this is Michelle"
Jack-"*attacking Cassidy* WHERE IS THE BOMB!?!?!?!? *shoots in leg*
Cassidy- "I don't know *crying*"
*ten minutes later*
Cassidy - "The bomb is in Air Force One, the target is the US President!"
Jack - "Michael! Get a team over there NOW! Chloe, upload the schematics of the building, the fastest route their, and naked pictures of the President's wife to my PDA NOW!"
Chloe- "But I can't..."
Jack-"DAMNIT CHLOE"
Chloe -"Ok, it's all there"
Jack - "Ok, I got one commercial break to bang this other chick... "
Me - "...God damnit"
11:59:58
11:59:59
12:00:00

Tune in next time on Alec's Top 10 Goldeneye Villains List...

~~7. The Train Condutor~~[]

THIS TOPIC SUCKS AND IS NOW ABOUT TRAINS

Alec: Full speed!
Conductor: (Russian) What?
Alec: Full speed!! Ram him!
*the conductor sounds a whistle*


The train conductor was all like "What?" and then rammed the tank and got blown up. That's the entirety of his role.

Little known fact: this guy was a lot like the sword guy in "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark". You know, that sword guy who practiced for DAYS, choreographing the fight scene, getting into peak physical form and wearing robes all day in the desert... then Harrison Ford is tired so he just shot him. In the end, the guy was way more memorable but it really sucked to be him. Or even Jason Lee, who had all of his good lines cut out of Dogma.

Well, the train conductor originally was a major character in the original script. It was given to an up and coming actor who was getting his final shot at a big break. In the original film, he was everywhere. He ran the train out to Severnaya that carried Oururmov and Xenia out to kill people, he brought Bond to the statue park, he ran the St. Petersburg train, he had a finale scene in Cuba complete with 5 minute monologue that was actually very reminiscent of Shakespearean tragedies and which many thought had the potential to be an academy award winning scene. But then they cast the helicopter, and they thought "people like helicopters more than trains" because they were stupid and had no idea what their viewers wanted. They tried to keep him in anyways, but his scenes just seemed silly without a train. Preliminary audiences were like "This movie is cool but what was that conductor doing just sitting around in a junkyard for?". So they cut his role down to that one scene, and while he was awesome he did not get the breakout performance that he had hoped, and he was forced to return to Philly to work as a pizza delivery guy, at which point he spiraled into depression and alcoholism. The final years of his life were characterized by misery, sorrow and regret. And cheap vodka.

But enough failure. Let's talk about something that was almost the antithesis of failure... Thomas the Tank Engine.

Holy *** Thomas kicked ass. He was just like "I'm a big hot blue piece of awesome." Him and Edward and Henry and Gordon and James and mother ****ing Percy. And Ringo Starr, George Carlin, and Alec Baldwin were all on it. Ringo ****ing Starr? George RIP Carlin? Think how badass Thomas is that George Carlin played second fiddle to him.

Know who is set to be the narrator next season? Pierce Brosnan. See that? Pierce Brosnan. That makes this writeup not only legitimate, but ESPECIALLY relevantly legitimate. Funny story behind this connection, Brosnan and Thomas met after Thomas went to the Goldeneye premiere to see his little cousin who was playing the train, and he and Brosnan hit it off right away, so Thomas pulled some strings to get Brosnan a job many years later.

But just because Thomas was a nice guy to Brosnan, don't think he's all soft and cuddly. Because he's a train and they're made of metal. The guy is pure steel. So nobody better talk **** about Thomas, or he'll pop right off those tracks, break into your house and own you in the face. Because Thomas is gangsta like that. One time, this guy was like "Thomas sucks" on an internet forum and he woke up the next morning with his body severed by a locomotive.

Also, it is important to note: Holy **** Thomas is a pimp. Emily, Daisy, Rosie? He tapped all of them. While Edward, Gordon, Percy and company were just trying to get work done, Thomas was sampling what the railway had to offer.

I heard back in the 90s, Thomas coupled up with this coal car (Thomas went for vehicles of all races) and afterwards she couldn't roll straight for a week. She wanted it to get serious, but he was like "Hell no, you're just booty call number 7" and she got all angry and got all up in his grille with "I thought we had something together!" and he ignored her and she kept calling him at nasty hours and finally she made a scene in public at the train yard and he pimp slapped her right off the tracks. ***** shoulda known, you don't disrespect Thomas the Pimp Engine in public.

So, in conclusion, train rule, Thomas is a pimp, the train conductor got screwed over, and I've finally had a rewrite that I feel was a decent improvement on the first.

~~6. Sergeant Petya Poopenko~~[]

A soldier walks into the bathroom with a newspaper and selects a stall. Cut to view from above as silhouetted figure takes the grate out of the vent. Cut to the Soviet again, reading newspaper... pulls it back to reveal
James Bond-"Beg your pardon, forgot to knock"
007 knocks out the Soviet and slips down.


Everybody remembers this scene. Much like Jaws made people afraid to go in the water, this made people afraid to "go" in the water.

Like toilet bowl water. Keep up the pace people.

I mean, what happens if you get knocked out mid-poop? Do muscles contract or relax? Do you end up on the floor in a pool of your own urine and feces? That would kind of suck. I mean, I'd hope the secret agent would have the decency to at least prop you up on the toilet so you aren't sprawled underneath several stalls, pants open, covered in ****. That'd be good for him too, he doesn't want to be caught. But the guy had a copy of Pravda (Soviet newspaper). What if somebody was waiting for him to come back with the newspaper to see the sports section? Check out how the hockey team was doing or something. Or the funnies! I took Russian for two years and never ready the funny pages... I wonder who the most popular characters are there. I'm willing to bet that bears are involved. And vodka. Either way, guy goes looking for his paper, finds his friend passed out in his own excrement... that could be awkward. I wonder if he'd still take the sports section if it were drenched in pee. Would he try to wash it off? Wait a while?

In light of the uncomfortableness of being found, this movie I led me to change my bathroom habits. I tried to hold it in as much as possible for years... minimize my bathroom visits to at most one per day. Before going to the bathroom, I checked all the vents, windows, cabinets, closets, mirrors, locks, and trashcans before I got started. The bathroom is a sacred place. It's like a church. You're not supposed to attack people in a church, and you're not supposed to be attacked in a bathroom. God would be personally offended and strike down my assailant , but I'd already be unconcious. I can't wait for divine intervention, so I have to be prepared because I refuse to be attacked in my one place of respite.

And so this is not just one long poop joke...

Anybody ever see Remington Steele, the show Brosnan was in before he became Bond? It's always weird to see people in new movies that you remember from old shows (or new shows and old movies). For example, when I first saw Locke on Lost, I was like "HOLY **** THE GUY FROM THE ROCKETEER". Damn, that was an awesome movie as far as ****py little movies go. It had mobsters, it had nazis, it had blimps and it had jet packs. What more do you need? Then I was watching that, I saw Alan Arkin and was like "HOLY **** THE GUY FROM THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING". Damn, now there's a movie not enough people have seen, though lots of people wouldn't get. "Egermency, egermancy, everybody is to get from strits". Classic. You people who don't recognize that are BAD people and should be ashamed of yourselves. Along the lines of those "hey, that dude from that thing" moments, this movie had a ton "Hey, X-men chick" "Hey, that GUY from x-men" "Hey, that guy from sharpe" "Hey, it's Hagrid"

I wonder if the toilet guy was in any other movies. I just IMDB'd him, and he's not even listed. Too bad, I bet he could parlay that into toilet scenes in many other movies. Do you think he tries to get directors to watch his bathroom scene to appreciate his acting? Does some superagent go up to Spielberg or Cameron or Polanski or some random backroom pr0n-maker, and say "Hey, I read your script, and I have the PERFECT guy to be sitting on the toilet" "Does he have any experience in the field?" "Hell yes! He was the bathroom guy in a Bond film!" "Alright, I'll check him out, can I see some videos of his work?" (Afterwards) "Damn, that guy is awesome! He'd be great in my film!" Because I really hope that that is how Hollywood works.

5 down, 5 to go!

~~5. Defense Minister Dimitri Mishkin~~[]

I had a friend once who thought his name was "Da meat-tree michigan". That's crazy man. How do you mess that up? I don't know, and neither does he, because he didn't exist. But I don't have a better write up idea, so this is now about meat and Michigan.

First: meat. I love steak. It's awesome. I especially like eating a big juicy stake when my friend has made a deal with his girlfriend that he won't eat meat for a month in return for her going skiing with him 5 times (and anal). He wanted to kill me. It was great. Better than the anal from what I've heard, it wasn't very comfortable. I don't know if they used proper form (and tons of lube) but hey, steak is still delicious

One time, when I was sick and the doctors put me on steroids, I went to a restaurant and ate 3 12-oz steaks in a night before my parents cut me off. I was like that Japanese hot dog guy with steak. A much tastier gift, but a much more expensive one.

In Kingdom of Loathing, you can get a meat tree for your clan that you can pick meat off of every day. Unfortunately you can't eat it, but you can use it to buy booze, which is a worthy cause.

I really wish there WAS a meat tree. I'd grow one in my yard, a steak tree, right next to my bearnaise sauce tree. Steak and bearnaise trees, what a combo. I'd then grow a mashed potatoes tree because I'm too lazy to grow potatoes and mash them myself. Oh damn it'd be dinner in the garden every night. The MAJOR unfortunate side effect to this plan is that no animals are killed in the process. Personally, I'm pro-slaughter. I need to counterbalance all my vagitarian friends. So I'd be forced to kill or promote the killing of children or kittens instead, and that just gets inconvenient because people can be a bit uptight about you killing their children or pets. One time my friend ran over this woman's cat and she got all crazy about it so he tried to calm her down by calling her a whore, which in hindsight might not have been the best approach. A much better approach would have been to offer to share the cat meat with her for dinner. Candlelit roadkill cat dinner... how romantic. He could have gotten some food and some ass!

Now about Michigan. What does Michigan have. Other than an inordinate number of b8ers. Seriously, how the hell are there so many B8ers in Michigan? Is it like a huge videogaming state or something? Or... a huge... bracket liker state. I could actually buy that. Michigan loves anything with a bracket, thus the disproportionate number of them here. Michigan even looks like a contest bracket if you scrunch up your eyes, tilt your head sideways, and put a picture of a gamefaqs bracket where Michigan would be on a map. I don't mean the countryside. That'd just be silly.

What else does Michigan have. Oh yeah, they have the Detroit Tigers, and the Detroit Tigers have Magglio Ordonez. Even though I'm not a Detroit fan, I am a Magglio Ordonez's hair fan. Seriously, that's impressive. It's like a nice pair of breasts, it bounces around when he runs. I wish I could grow hair like that, it'd be awesome. I bet he can use his hair as a trampouline for small children, it's really springy. I wonder if people ever think he's a pedo because he has so many children following him trying to jump in his hair. Because he'd be all like "no, it's not like that, my hair is springy" and people would be like "Bull****, you clearly use special shampoo to attract children" and he'd be all like "no, this is all au naturel baby" and they'd be like "au naturel the shampoo?" and he'd be like "what the hell are you talking about" and they'd be like "your face" and he'd be like "your MOM" and they'd arrest him for being belligerent.

I wonder if you wove Maggs' hair into a vest, would the springyness make it suitable for a bullet proof vest. I mean, it absorbs the shock and would shoot the bullet straight back at the assailant. It'd be awesome, it'd be like a lightsaber. You could kill guys with their own bullets! Screw Kevlar, I want troops going to war in Maggs vests. It even sounds like Magnum, or Magazine, or Maggie Grace that dumb ***** from Lost.

Oh, and Michigan looks like a glove. How ****ing sweet is that? I mean, I think continental drift should be harnessed to bring anthropomorphic landmasses together. Get Italy in there with Michigan... Britain could be the head or something, with Ireland being a rock being thrown at the face. That'd be ****ing cool. New Zealand could probbly be the wang I guess.

What would be awesome would be if Michigan had lots of steak trees and dead kittens and bullet proof hair-vests. It'd be like the best of all worlds!

In a desperate attempt to improve this write up, I looked up the guy who played Mishkin. First thing is he is French. If I had known that, I'd have dropped him 6 spaces down the list. To off the list. God damn French, stealing all the Russian jobs. It's hard enough with their economy, and they can't even play themselves in movies? For shame. Also, he was apparently one of the top actors in the Patriot. Which means that he was working with Mel Gibson. Which means there is a reasonable chance that he's a crazy anti-semite. Which means that maybe he makes a good Russian after all... but the French are anti-semites in the first case.

<rant>I once read Leon Uris' "Exodus" about the foundation of Israel and they were talking about how much Britain sucks, and everybody sucks. HOWEVER, apparently the FRENCH were awesome, and saved lots of Jews during the holocaust. Which is ironic as Israel identified France as the most anti-semitic country in Western Europe (I'm pretty sure Vichy France's national motto was "Kommandant, Kommandant, venez vite, il y a trois ici!"), and pre-1900s France was arguably the most historically anti-semitic country in Western Europe. Nice job there Leon. Way to go Leon.</rant>

Oh, and Mishkin is 5 for being a semi-major character but being lame basically

~~4. General Ourumov~~[]

"You can't win"

https://archive.is/20131016013205/img406.imageshack.us/img406/2161/wrongqd5.png


What Ourumov said to describe James Bond's situation was wrong. HOWEVER, it WOULD have been right if it was instead describing the situation of a hemophilitic leper trying to have a healthy sex life.

Now, I know that lepers' skin doesn't actually just fall off, but for the sake of this argument, we'll pretend it does.

Imagine you're having sex as a hemophilitic leper man. You don't need to use lube, because your own blood will do the trick. You penetrate the woman, but there's still some friction as you move, because she's a bit tight. A couple of pelvic thrusts later, you feel your protein shake of manhood (I've actually heard that semen has essentially the same nutritional composition as a spoonful of human semen, so if somebody wants to check that out for me, that'd be awesome), and you decide to pull out. But when you withdraw, your dick breaks off and stays in!

Now you're bleeding all over her, and you are missing your wang, and you're freaking out just a little bit. On top of that, since it fell off while you tried to pull out, you don't know if your sperm was ejaculated. Now, of course, you have had soy products because you heard they reduce sterility in men and I wanted to mention that in this post even though I'd never due it. So you're really hoping that worked, but I mean, even the pill and condoms aren't 100% effective, so you're panicking because you are bleeding all over a girl who has your wang imbedded in her and perhaps your future child. Needless to say, that could be somewhat stressful.

It'd be really awkward if she was pregnant and still had the dick still in her. Right off the bat, abortion wouldn't work. You can't stick a coat hanger through a wang, that's just wrong. So you're stuck keeping it. Now just imagine the doctor trying to give the pelvic exam! I mean, what do you do? Wait til she gets pregnant then have the baby push it out? How disturbing would it be to see a baby being born clutching his father's severed wang? That'd be all kinds of awkward. Probably a bit weird for the kid too. Will not want pictures of that day.

And meanwhile, you're walking around without a wang. Hopefully you can eventually find it and reattach it if it ever stops bleeding, but in the meantime your mangled wang stump is bleeding nonstop! So IF you get it back, you have a severely grossed out woman who may have already delivered a child clutching your wang, and... really, where do you go from there?

Let's not even BEGIN to talk about being a female hemophiliac leper. I mean, first period you'd bleed out right then and there. Case closed. It'd be like when they bombed the dam in that one movie. Everything floods out and anything in the way is swept away.

If you somehow survive that, when you get your cherry popped, you'd be going through a tampon a minute! You'd need like... hole-in-apollo-13 level suction going on down there. Maybe shove in an entire roll of Bounty (the quilted quicker picker upper!)

Never mind the idea of your vag just collapsing in a crash of rubble like an imploded building. Though the idea of cooch-bulldozers is kinda cool... Damn, that'd be crazy, if large cooches being used as heavy machinery were employed on construction sites... would the drivers still make catcalls to passing women?

But I digress.

Ourumov. #4. Because he doesn't have leprosy or hemophilia.

PS: Soy causing sterility is nature's way of keeping us from all becoming vegetarians. Well played, nature. Well played.

~~3. Xenia Onatopp~~[]

"This time, the pleasure will be all mine"


Wow, Xenia is one ****ed up *****. Banging guys til they die and orgasming as their life passes from them. Does that count as necrophilia? I'm seriously curious... I tried to google it but “chicks who bang guys til they die and orgasm as life passes from their partner” gave me no results.

Now most people would take the easy route and go into depth on necrophilia or some other weird sexual acts here, perhaps throw in a low blow joke at another user on this board who has been accused of weird sex acts. But I'm above that. I'm a classy guy who would never talk about such things. At least not again in the same topic.

Instead, I was going to talk about Baccarat. But then I remembered that according to Casino Royale revisions, Baccarat = poker, and thus nobody cares about it here. Except Kuge and Shake.

So instead we talk about Canadians, women, and puns.

In the movie, the Admiral she killed was originally supposed to be American. However, the Pentagon complained, so they changed it to the Canadian military. This made the movie heavily unrealistic. I mean, it was bad enough that they weren't using a country that uses the Eurocopter Tiger helicopter (Australia, France, Germany, Spain and Saudi Arabia). But was even more realistic was that there was a boat full of Canadian military men.

I mean, seriously, everybody knows Canada is "an Army of One", quite literally. So a ship full of them? Bull ****.

And seriously, Canadian helicopters? Everybody knows that their military transport is composed of bobsleds, polar bears and zambonis. I imagine Zambonis would actually make a great rearguard if trying to escape an enemy… icing over everything behind you would probably slow any advancing forces, giving you time to regroup. Of course, with a one man army, it wouldn’t take long to regroup anyways.

Another major inaccuracy is that, despite being Canadian, he does not mention hockey in the film. Rule #541 of Existence: every Canadians must mention hockey at least once in any interpersonal interaction of a duration longer than thirty seconds, while bacon and maple syrup must be mentioned at least once every other conversation. This is true of every good film ever that involved Canadians (there are some I think) and indeed even life itself. Try it, talk to a Canadian, and if they don’t mention hockey, well, they probably aren’t fully Canadian, they’re just an American claiming to be a Canadian so you won’t destroy their luggage.

Special note: On TV shows, you get a slight variation. Unless it is a character’s catchphrase, tv shows are willing to sacrifice accuracy to avoid redundancy, and as such they only have to mention it once per series. For example, Kids in the Hall, Ike from South Park, and that one guy on the Simpsons. Further, Dr. Wilson on House only went to university in Canada and he still mentions hockey at least once. I’m pretty sure maple syrup was in there at least once, and I’m willing to bet he’d mention bacon too if not for being Jewish.

It would have made much more sense if the general were American. He's a well established, respected, trusting, innocent man just trying to defend his country and spread freedom to the loins of foreign nation and foreign nationals, And yet he gets suddenly, deliberately and unexpectedly attacked by a horrible, horrible foreigner. Of course, if he were American, despite being old, he would have beat the **** out of her. So I guess that's one small positive of not having an American. It would have really been a problematic plot point if James Bond couldn’t do jack **** because an American guy beat up all the bad guys after they tried to kill him.

If I've offended any Canadians in the audience, I remind you that you all get free health care, lots of pot, a reasonable drinking age, a personal zamboni, cheap baseball tickets, and a layer of blubber that acts as natural protection from the cold. So I don't feel too bad about making fun of you. But then I think about B8’s Canadian members and I do feel really bad for you guys. Sorry.

Interesting fact: She is only the second woman Bond ever killed in the movies. Of course, I doubt that's true. AIDS was around, and considering how many women Bond sleeps with, I'm pretty sure he's given a few hundred women their death sentences. But knowing women, he really should have killed a good few more. He'd be doing this good world a service. Between original sin and the problems they cause all the good and kind men of the world, they really would be better off deceased. Women are the root of all evil in this world, up to and including war, rebellion, famine, the black plague, Britney Spears' cooch, syphilis, food poisoning, the Great Leap Forward, drunk driving accidents, the Tulip Bubble, having to get the ice off your car when you’re in a rush, the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906, when you have to use a computer with IE, cattle stampedes, coal mine explosion of 1903 in Courrieres France, the writing and acting in Heroes, sickle cell anemia, HH Holmes, Japanese War Crimes in Asia, the fact that Comedy Central contracted MadTV over old SNLs when old SNLs were far funnier even though currently SNL sucks like Sonic Unleashed, Plessy vs. Ferguson, girls who use too much teeth, politicians, , people like George Lucas and Disney editing their old movies, dying of dysentery in Oregon trail, myocardial infarction, unexpected pregnancies, Osama Bin Laden, the DMV, the Taiping Rebellion, twisted testicles, Dane Cook ads, the Great Schism, the FCC, global warming, fat chicks, the US economic decline of 2008, Charlie Brown missing the football, moderations, purgatory, the Great Potato Famine, illegal sig divider rules, the Chernobyl meltdown, soccer riots, all those extra parts from IKEA, the death of Heath Ledger before the Dark Knight was 100% finished, work, the Dreyfus Affair, pens exploding in your pocket, tapeworms, racism, Jack the Ripper, when you get that little broken off layer under your fingernail

World War II, blue balls, blue shells, aortic aneurysms, the lack of good games in the current videogaming generation, Thug Behram, political debates, mosquitos, when people blow things way out of proportion like the fact that you forgot to go over and take care of their pet (or child) and it died even though you had a perfectly logical reason to forget because it was the playoffs and you didn’t mean to let it die but they have to go and REALLLLLLY overact about the whole thing, not being able to find a parking lot, potholes, the sinking of the Titanic, illegal immigration, holocaust deniers, slavery, when you want to get rid of your coins and you collect everything together and count it all up but it turns out that you are five cents short and the guy behind the counter is a total douche, Russian pogroms throughout history, paranoia, 7-10 splits, computer viruses, group presentations where you do all the work and they screw up the presentation because they don't know how to make a good powerpoint or even have any basic public speaking skills, Julio Lugo, heroin overdoses, when your girlfriend leaves you to become a lesbian, the KKK, people who type in all caps, the Srebenica massacre, constipation, getting rickrolled, when you are hitting it off great with a really hot chick and their her big fat friend shows up and you can’t get rid of her even when you throw bacon and try to get her to fetch it, internment camps, tearing your quad, the 1556 Shaanxi earthquake, people who wear inappropriate clothing for their body whether it is fat people wearing tight clothes and short shorts or 6-year-old girls wearing pants that say sexy or ugly chicks who manage to make their ugliness worse, leprosy, the fact that Eddie Murphy still pumping out movies, hypocrites, bear attacks, people with bad hygiene, war crimes, emos, detours, that one time a guy thought I was hitting on his girlfriend and I told him not to worry about it I thought she was ugly and wouldn’t hit on her anyways and he took it the wrong way, the assassination of JFK, losing your luggage, the Iranian Blizard of 1972, improper use of turn signals, when you realize that you have a huge paper due in two days that was assigned at the beginning of the term and you pull a double all nighter to finish it and work your ass off and drop it off and have the professor give the whole class an extension after you have destroyed your health finishing it up for the deadline, Pol Pot, bagged milk, SIDS, morning people, the Arian Controversy, when somebody gets in your car and changes the radio/mirrors/seats, televangelists, the Bay of Tonkin resolution, those really slow fat people in front of you at the minigolf place when you want to get in another round on the other course before it closes, terrorism, when people grab the TV to watch grey’s anatomy or something when you want to watch Lost/24/House/whatever you watch, the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, flesh eating bacteria, the New York Yankees, white people, the Israel/Palestine dispute, lost keys, red rings of DEATH, parties full of people you don’t know, when you miss your favorite show and the recording of it cuts off the first and last minutes, the Dred Scott Decision, sleep paralysis, this one kid who felt it was his duty to be an incessant jerk to me about everything he ever could and started stalking me like the guy in happy gilmore and it was really annoying and I couldn't punch him because that would be a hate crime, when people don’t respect “Fives”, the influenza epidemic in the last 1910s, speeding tickets, “Superhero Movie” and "Meet the Spartans" and “Epic Movie” and all that other horrible crap they keep putting out and somehow people keep watching, Hurricane Katrina, Ben Affleck's acting, the Iraq War, spoilers without waring, choking in anything, when you just need to land one hit to win a match in brawl and you have them up to tons of damage and it's a huge upset but then you randomly slip and they manage to combo you to death despite you having minimal damage beforehand, being hit in the nuts

iconoclasm in the early Christian Church, the new Star Wars Trilogy, cruel teachers, genocide in Sudan, people who leave that tiny bit left in the bottle of milk and put it back in the fridge, and the fact that white men can't jump.

~~1. All Russian Soldiers / Mercenaries~~[]

Yes, it has been decided once and for all. Topic is over, no more bumps, no more drawing it out, no more being lazy. The #1 enemy in Goldeneye is all the non-aforementioned Russian men in uniform. All those people who played their part as the greatest villains Bond has ever faced in any movie or book if you limit "any movie or book" to Goldeneye.

Part of the reason for their great success is the fact that they wear uniforms. I think we all know that uniforms are hot. You don't have to be female or out of the closet to know that. Hell, that's half the reason to join the army, or pretend you joined the army! None of this "defending your country" or "protecting freedom" or "intend to become an engineer and want a naked pyramid on my resume" bull ****. No, it's because there are few things in this world that drive a girl crazy like a woman in uniform. The Army needs to stop this "Army Strong" **** and just go with "We can get you loads of poontang"

In fact, if I were a lesbian, I would go straight for a man in uniform. Especially a Russian one. Because their liver is going to die soon enough so you don't have to worry about a long term relationship. Of course, they're a Russian in a Bond film, their life expectancy is between an hour and an hour and a half, so that's even less commitment. Dead guys tend not to have much of a problem with you breaking up with them, they're usually pretty good at staying away, and they won't make threatening drunken calls to your new boyfriend late at night.

Furthermore, I hear Russian soldiers are hung like bears, which brings up another important point. Bears. I did consider putting bears as the #1 enemy in the movie, but ultimately decided against it due to their limited screen time. While awesome, you can't exactly give an Oscar to a cameo, just because then Daniel Day Lewis could just be in every film ever and nobody else could ever win any award ever. So it is with this, I want to give somebody else a chance! Despite being the scariest villains with some of the most depth of character, I do not feel it is appropriate to give them the #1 spot here.

That’s the thing about bears though… they are so badass that you fear them even when they’re not on screen. I know that when Bond was in the tank I thought to myself “Aww yeah, nothing can stop him now… except a bear… oh **** I hope there’s no bear in that tank!” Just imagine, he’s riding around town, with a smirk on his face, crushing everything in his way… then a bear attacks from below and severs his torso. That’d be crazy.

Or when he's in the vents above the bathroom. He drops down on that guy, but he's not a guy, he's a BEAR. Bam. Movie is finished inside of 10 minutes with a bit of a downer ending. But you can never be sure that bears aren't gonna kill your main character in a few minutes then kill people for the final hour and a half. Just be all like "Do you know who I am? I'm a bear, *****!" I bet bears could even kick the ass out of the juggernaut. That said, Juggernaut isn't as cool of a name as Dreadnought, which barely beats out Indefatigable for awesome boat names. On the other hand, you've got stuff like the Argo, which is lame, because it's like either a sucky LEGO or a sucky EGGO WAFFLE. Oh god... waffle legos would be awesome, just stack that **** up, make towers out of it, then you could have them have a moat of syrup and be besieged by your fork. And remember folks, forks aren't for your hair, despite what the Little Mermaid said!

Er, where was I? Oh yeah, wondering whether you actually believed this was the final write up.

~~1. James Bond, Agent 007~~[]

"The pleasure, I'm sure, was all mine"


I was a little wary of putting James Bond in the #1 spot for Goldeneye villains, because he's probably more of an antihero than a villain. However, he opposes such an awesome guy... he is quite skillful in being faced off against a good, just and badass protagonist, really puts the hero in sharp relief.

Oh James Bond... Agent 007... you are a legend, and a cultural icon. Ever since the days of Sean Connery, you have been a symbol of what all men wish they could do. Especially pull off chest hair like that. Seriously. I mean, unlike facial hair, there really isn't anything you can do about chest hair. I mean, want a beard? If you are over 15 and just don't shave for like... 2 months, you'll have SOMETHING. But I've known people who just can't grow any chest hair. I feel sorry for them. But they have it all figured out, and try to perpetuate the myth that having chest hair is anything but awesome. So they mock Robin Williams and shave what little they have. Their conspiracy does not reach Sean Connery. Everybody wants to have sex with him even when he's geriatric.

Still, there is always that peer pressure... I mean, I've long been mocked for my manly and hairy body. I've tried many solutions. I tried to get waxed... that lasted about half a leg before I gave up. Tried that crazy hair stuff women have, but it made my legs smell all funky. And my brother tried to use it as lube when he was frosting the comforter. Dumb ****. I actually had surgery once and they shaved me down south for no good reason... Jesus that's frustrating. When the hair was growing back it was all stabbing me in my "noblest of places"... it's like rolling a balloon over a spike pit.

Speaking of which, spike pits are more painful to play in than ball pits. I remember many times as a child enjoying the fun of a ball pit. I actually worked out that it would cost me roughly $40,000 to turn my dorm room into a ballpit about waist deep. That would be pretty *****in'. Chicks dig ball pits. I figure if my room were a ballpit, I could see at least a 15% increase in my annual sexy times. That said, I can not recall once enjoying a nice day in a spike pit. Jumping all over, piercing my organs... not nearly as fun. Though if you filled a spike pit up with balls, that's be pretty crazy. "Hey, my mortal nemesis, how about we let bygones be bygones and play in this totally sweet ball pit?" "Sure" "alright, you first"

And since we're speaking of my balls rolling over stuff, I wish each of my testes was a Katamari. Just rolling along all nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah and absorbing all things in it's path. The one problem would be losing them to become stars, but I mean, how awesome would it be to have a star named "Alec's left nut"? I'll tell you how awesome. Pretty awesome.

Back on the subject though, James Bond is badass. Pierce Brosnan... not bad in Goldeneye, but kinda sucked otherwise. He's lucky he had this to get him credibility. I mean, Mrs. Doubtfire was good but Mamma Mia? Or even worse, Tomorrow Never Dies? I'm surprised he ever got another role after "Mars Attacks".

Which reminds me, did anybody ever see "Remington Steele", the show he was in before being Bond? That was crazy. He loved Humphrey Bogart IIRC, you know, the dude from Casablanca. That was a decent flick, much better at getting you laid than it was at being that memorable to most guys who aren't pretentious art flick lovers. I mean, I don't see how it compares to Citizen Cane. Casablanca is a sucky city anyways, I mean, it's in Africa. You ever try to build a city in Africa? It's miserable in Civ II. You'd get your starting place in Africa and be like "awww ****" meanwhile the guy over on Australia is getting owned and some guy has taken over all of north america, but the south american guy is probably still alive because it's impossible to get through the damn jungle, and if there's multiple guys in europe they're fighting and anybody in north asia has tried to move west or south because nobody want to be in ****ing Siberia. I'm telling you, it's a *****. Real life is so unbalanced, it's a horrible mod. But as much as Africa sucked, at least around the Nile was nice and depending on the map you could make a nice extension into the middle east. I hated South America though. I love cavalry in all videogames, and being in South America meant they got no extra moves, minimizing their effectiveness. And you're at such a disadvantage that by the time you build roads the North Americans have blocked off central america and your cavalry still can't get past the choke point so you curse the Gods and go to play Age of Empires II instead. Holy **** that game rocked. Anybody else love to go into the level editor and make big huge armies and just put them at opposite ends of a canyon and try to beat a numerically superior foe? That was awesome. Have my cavalry + cav archers just mow down those swordsmen. Or make it all shallows, toss in some demolition or fire ships, and a few different armies in a free for all... I always loved the set-number-of-troops missions in the campaign mode, because tactics are fun, and I could usually get them to survive. The most annoying ones are the ones that are like "hey... here's two villagers... go off around to the other side of the map, plop down, make a city, endure frequent raids from an imperial/iron age enemy, and build up to the 4th age and a huge city and then go and finally defeat your enemy." I mean, geez, it's more frustration than anything. And not even the usual kind of frustration, because I'm not trying to get into anybody's pants. Sexual frustration is kinda annoying, and interestingly enough this debate has come full circle, because James Bond doesn't have much problem with sexual frustration.

JAMES BOND is the #1 Villain from Goldeneye. Thanks for watching folks.

~~~1. Alec Trevelyan, Janus, MI6 Agent 006~~~[]

"What's the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?"


How many times in James Bond history has there been a villain who can beat out James in reparte?

Ever since the first time I watched Goldeneye, I've been struck by how great he is as a villain. Smart, witty, dangerous, manipulative, planning, ass kicking, even (perhaps?) antiheroic. He is easily in the top tier of Bond villains, and blows away all other villains of the Brosnan era. I mean, think about that guy in Tommorow Never Dies. What a lame villain. Now I love Pryce, he's awesome, but christ that guy was lame. "I am going to get all world governments to do what I want, and then..." "Extort money?" "No, BETTER!" "Take power" "Even BETTER!" "...kill lots of random innocent people out of spite" "while a nice side effect, not primarily!" "Then what" "I will... SELL NEWSPAPERS!" Jesus Christ, just find the latest hot drug-loving celebrity, get pictures of them naked, and put them in. There. I've just tripled your subscriptions. Now use the time and supplies you have left over to FIND A GOD DAMN MOTIVATION. I mean, I get the idea, and it could have been cool, but instead was just lame. Then there was Renard. French name, that's all you need to know. He died by getting penetrated by a steel phallus. Suprise? I don't think so. Then there was that random Asian guy who isn't Asian anymore. I hope that plastic surgery fixed him down south, or else I sense a plot problem, because there's no way he keeps the femme fatale chick satisfied. Basically, Brosnan villains suck.

When Goldeneye first came out, the movie was so awesome that it seemed there was a great new Bond after the generally disappointing Dalton. But as subsequent movies came out, it was clearly a decline. It turned out that Brosnan bonds sucked despite cooler gadgets, more witty comments, and more advanced special effects. Because they did not have the one thing that made Goldeneye great: a uniting villain. And all the other stuff they put in could not replace him. Brosnan was good in this movie at least, but it was Alec who made the movie. And I mean, you'd think that gadgets could fix stuff. I mean, a remote control car? X-ray goggles? Automatic "have sex with me" pills? Well, that last one wasn't in James Bond, but I wouldn't be suprised by a LOT of roofies in Bond's early career. I mean, gotta get experience and confidence there.

Basically, Sean Bean owns. Whether being the doppleganger of double oh seven, questing with the ring, seeking revenge on Jack Ryan, killing Frenchmen as Sharpe, or even being in ridiculously annoying movies with Nicholas Cage playing himself for the fiftieth time, or being mother ****ing MACBETH, Bean owns. Not only does he bleed awesomeness, you usually get to see plenty of that blood, as he always seems to die an awsome overdone death. It takes skill to make overdone death scenes consistently epic, but damnit, he does it. One of these days, they should just make a movie where he fights guys for two hours and then spends the last hour in an incredibly prolonged death sequence. That'd be an action movie for you... You know that XKCD about having an awesome action movie that is JUST action, no exposition or anything? And it stars River Tam? Have River Tam beating up everybody on her way to Sean Bean for the first hour and then they fight for an hour and he dies for half an hour. Bean can toss in some commentary along the way, River should probably be mostly silent. Maybe have Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones do a tag team narration. That'd be the best movie ever. Just a big moving fight, momentum back and forth, then Bean takes arrows to the chest, leg, and face, cuts off his own arm after it gets trapped in a door, is impaled by a rhinocerous, strangled by a metal chain, drawn, quartered, poisoned, drowned, stabbed and generally Rasputin'd.

I think I popped half a stalk just thinking about that. Coincidentally, since we're talking about my boner, I currently have a poster of Sean Bean on my wall, looking down at me, shirt somewhat open, holding a rifle and in a sexy uniform. Sometimes I go over and stroke his soft photographed skin, whisper sweet nothings in his ears, and dream of our romantic getaway that I am sure will eventually come... then I change my pants, sit back on the couch, and resume writing this review.

...that's actually most of it. So... keep the sexy strokage in mind.

That wraps up this list as it always should have been. Hope you all had fun. Or at least were confused and very very scared. Good night.

PS: He's better than Bond in Goldeneye 007 on most levels, because his outfit blends in better. Siberian Special Forces are better than both, but they weren't in the movie. So suck it James, "I was always better"

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