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An Erotic Fan-Fiction About Fetusbucketeer is the next Great American Novel, in porn form.

Chapter One: Deception[]

fetus awoke with a monster boner. It was way bigger than his normal morning boner but not as big as his "I'm gonna get my fuck on" boner. He glanced down and saw that it was impressive, and he was pleased.

He got out of bed and went into the bathroom to take his morning shit and think about how his day was going to go. "I want today to be the most sex-having day ever", he said out loud. For emphasis he repeated himself, saying again, "I want today to be the most sex-having day ever."

He glanced down after ten minutes or so and saw that he still had a wicked fucking hard-on. Smiling because he's obviously some sort of uber alpha male, he wiped and got up and brushed his teeth. He exited the bathroom and there was a beautiful woman there. She glanced down with a wry grin and looked back up, taking her time checking out fetus's chiseled features. She noticed that his abs had muscles that she didn't even know existed. His back was sleek and bronzed and glistened in the morning light. His arms and shoulders looked as though they could be used to powerfuck her so hard that her eyeballs would start to bleed. She walked up and purred, "Let's put this to good use."

Chapter Two: Lies[]

Well believe me dear reader when I tell you that fetus certainly had sex with that woman. He powerfucked her so hard that her eyeballs bled, that's for sure. After he finished he got up and opened the door and told her to get the fuck out of his house before he calls the cops, and what the hell did she think she was doing going into random houses and getting powerfucked? "Yours is truly a sad existence you common whore. Be gone with you but first hear this: You now have AIDS. I don't, but you do. I'm just that good." She broke down crying before he shoved her out.

"What a bitch," he said.

fetus walked into his kitchen to make a few Breakfast Dagwoods. "A fuck-filled day needs a fuck-filled stomach, that's for fucking sure," he wrote in his notebook of important things he's said. As he opened the refrigerator he noticed that there was a beautiful woman inside and she was holding a frosty beer in one hand and... wait. What is this? "Holy shit no fucking way," fetus declared when he saw that she was holding 4 Breakfast Dagwoods. "Well this must be your lucky day, because I'm going to fuck you mercilessly," he promised.

"But first, let me get my fucking eat on."

Chapter Three: How To Dispose of a Dead Body When Surrounded by Police[]

Well things didn't turn out exactly the way fetus had hoped, I regret to inform you. As soon as he took the first bite of his Breakfast Dagwood that woman jumped right onto him and started to have sexual intercourse. "Nice," he said to himself between bites of his Dagwood and swigs of his beer. He opened up a newspaper that he had lying around to see if he could figure out any of the crossword clues between bites and swigs. He got a few, the most difficult being 8 across - "Sanguine? Bangladesh." - and when he looked over to see how his sexy lady friend was doing she was slobbing some serious knob.

"Whoa hey now. I never said you could do that. Be gone with you, you foul-ass slut. Wait no. Go to the store and buy me some smokes first."

She left and returned 3 minutes later with a truckload of cigarettes. "You've done well, babe, but I'm gonna have to kick you to the curb if you don't stop giving me crazy brain." She looked up at him and reluctantly obeyed. Her eyes were full of sadness as she took fetus's monster johnson out of her mouth.

"This has been both the best and worst day of my life, fetus. I want you to know that. I've experienced highs heretofore unimagined, moments later followed by depths of sorrow that make life seem unimportant, a foreign concept that is barely understood and practically indecipherable. You've changed me, fetus."

fetus farted a loud fart and laughed at it.

Chapter Four: 2 Trill[]

A little while later, refreshed and full of Dagwoody goodness, fetus goes outside to get the newspaper. "I sure hope they have a front page story about how much sex I'm having today," he thinks. Sadly for him but good for news media in general, the newspaper has apparently decided against running the story he submitted a few days prior. fetus curses the newspaper a good one before walking back inside his house.

Breakfast having been eaten, beer having been imbibed, and newspaper having been read, fetus stands on one leg in his kitchen, trying to think of what to do next. His phone rings.

"fetus here," says fetus.

"fetus? Oh god I can't believe it's really you!" a woman says. fetus could swear that she sounds like she's crying and outside somewhere next to a road. "What a bitch," he says out loud. She ignores his momentary lack of verbal filter and tells him something that blows. His. World. Into. A million. Pieces.

"fetus? fetus. I...

"I'm pregnant."