Anagram rates every single episode of Pokemon with write-ups/Black & White

IN THE SHADOW OF ZEKROM!

"Who’s that pokemon?"
Score: 6.5/10

We begin in Pallet Town - Ash, his mom, and Professor Oak are going to Unova. Why? Never explained. They just are, I guess. Of note: Oak is in a Hawaiian shirt, because dammit, we need something American in this episode.

Cut to Jessie and James talking to Giovanni. They establish through completely unnecessary dialogue that their goal is to steal powerful pokemon. Giovanni sends them to Unova for really vague reasons. Giovanni's plan is kind of unstated here, but I think it's to force the "mysterious new organization" in Unova (presumably Team Plasma) to reveal themselves when Jessie, James, and Meowth start bopping around. I have to say, I instantly see what people meant when they said Team Rocket lost their personalities in BW - they're just generic bad guys now. They have the same faces and the same voices, but no unique mannerisms, they’re just bad guys.

Ash, his mom, Oak, and Team Rocket all board the same plane. Ash looks out the plane like he's never been in one before, and in fairness, he might not have been - I think the show's consistently used airships until now, though correct me if I'm wrong.

New opening: absolutely hilarious. Bizarre CGI, no outlines, incredibly awful theme song. This is just... unbelievably bad. I could write a better opening song than this. I am serious, that is not an exaggeration.

Next scene: they reach Unova. I assume they cut out the eleven hours of flying - I once took a plane to Israel from New York, and let me tell you, that is not a pleasant journey. The plane sets down in the harbor, because baby, America invented planes and we will do whatever the **** we want with ‘em.

A mysterious black cloud rolls into the harbor and somehow only Ash notices it (literally no one else in the city sees it), but no time for that, we need to check out our very first Unova pokemon. Okay, this is exciting, we will never get this moment again. Yes, technically we saw Unova pokemon in the new opening, but this is our first real look at what the new generation has to offer. Okay, let’s go. Writers, who did you choose to represent this entire generation?!

Alomoroma. Mother****ery. Well, Ash excitedly yells that he's never seen one before, but before he can check out the Notluvdisc, Team Rocket attacks. The cloud rolls in further, and only now, with it literally over the harbor, does anyone except Ash notice it. A lightning bolt strikes Pikachu and Team Rocket, freeing the former and allowing the latter to run off. Wow, they were entirely pointless here.

Pikachu shocks the sky back, and we see Zekrom up there. Ash mutters about a pokemon being up there, but don’t worry, he will never mention this to anyone. Meanwhile, in a forest near the city, Iris and her Axew check out the cloud and she starts heading there via Tarzaning the vines, because New York is well known for its many jungles. Zekrom disappears, as does the cloud, literally into thin air. Pikachu appears alright, so Ash decides to ignore the fact that a mysterious pokemon in a mysterious cloud just attacked it.

Professor Juniper arrives and says hello. Oak tells Ash not to let her youthfulness fool him - wow, what a dickhead. Also: they drive on the left side of the road in New York. Ash is amazed to see some Deerling, Pidove, Patrat, and Swanna, because we’ve got to draw in near viewers with these incredible pokemon of the Unova eregion. Juniper tells Ash that Pikachu are extremely rare here, and she's never seen one in the wild before… and she still hasn’t, because Ash’s is long domesticated. Er… okay then?

OH MY GOD WHO'S THAT POKEMON IS BACK AND I NAILED IT YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

Juniper takes them into Nuvema Town, and at her lab, and she runs a scan on Pikachu, finding "no evidence of any problems,” so already she’s ****ed up. I love how Oak explains to Ash how one of Juniper's duties is to hand out starter pokemon, as if he didn't know that.

Juniper and Ash meet the new trainer - Trip. Ash tries to act friendly to Trip, but Trip just laughs when he finds out Ash is from Kanto, saying it's "the boonies." Really? I can think of a lot of words to describe Japan, but "the boonies" is... probably the last one I would ever use.

Juniper throws out the three starter pokemon, and Ash likes all of them. Trip has a camera, and takes a picture of Oshawott. Then he chooses Snivy. Haha, what a dick. As Trip leaves, Ash tries to act friendly again and we get some expository dialogue about the Unova League. Trip is interested in Ash's Pikachu, and takes several pictures of it. Ash talks about how awesome Pikachu is, so of course this can only end in one way.

I love how the episode has carefully explained everything all over again - what pokemon are, how trainers work, what Team Rocket is, what professors do, and so on, for new viewers - but it hasn't told you anything about pokemon battles. It's just... "Pikachu versus Snivy: what do?" Also, Oshawott sneaks out of the lab and watches the battle.

Pikachu starts off strong and quick attacks Snivy, but when it tries to use thunderbolt, it can't. It tries again, but nothing comes out. When it tries to use volt tackle, it just kind of runs pathetically and becomes exhausted. Ash realizes that Pikachu can’t use electric moves, and because this is a huge deal and something is obviously wrong with his most treasured pokemon, Ash keeps battling and allows Pikachu to get leaf tornadoed (by a level 5 pokemon). Ash finally realizes something is wrong and takes Pikachu back to Juniper, whose instruments now tell her that it's had an electrical overload resulting from when it got shocked. I’ve gotta tell you, this professor is not impressing me.

The black cloud appears over Juniper's laboratory for no reason, and in the forest, Iris sees it. A lightning bolt strikes the lab, which travels through the instruments and shocks Pikachu, who completely loses control of its electricity. Juniper then identifies the cloud as the work of Zekrom, talking about how Zekrom's lightning bolts are judgments from up above, and how it holds up the skies. Wow, it... took you one twenty-two minutes to prove you're the least scientific scientist in fiction. I'm honestly kind of impressed.

Alright, so. First impressions: Trip is dumb. Paul was a dick, yes, but Paul was at least a challenging dick who posed a threat, and he mocked Ash (usually) because Ash was a dumbass. Trip is just insulting Ash because he’s from “the boonies.” Even if we assume Kanto is the boonies, with its playing host to genetic research labs that produce Mewtwo and the headquarters of a Japan-wide mafia, that just makes Trip a dickhead. I’m from LA, and imagine how much of a dick I’d be if I insulted someone from like Alabama for being from Alabama. I realize we’re not supposed to sympathize with Trip but come on, he’s allowed to have some redeeming qualities - or maybe not, actually.

ENTER IRIS AND AXEW!

"Suddenly, while Pikachu was being examined at Professor Juniper's lab, another thunderstorm suddenly appeared!"
Score: 5/10

Goddammit, translators, you're supposed to not use the word "suddenly" twice in one sentence. That's not how English works.

Pikachu is still shocking the lab, so Ash grabs it and gets shocked himself. Wow, that’s helpful. Zekrom then disappears for literally no reason, and with its disappearance, Pikachu is now back to normal for literally no reason. Also Oshawott is there, I guess. Don’t ask me, I don’t know why. Professor Oak, Juniper, and Ash exit the lab, and Juniper wonders if Zekrom really appeared even though she was talking about it five minutes ago. Oak excitedly declares that it's time for some research.

At night, Ash tells his mom and Oak that he's going to go on a journey here. What made him come to this conclusion? Well… nothing, actually. But whatever. Juniper tells Ash to go to Striaton City to battle the gym there, and Ash declares that he'll beat Trip next time. As Ash leaves, Oshawott follows.

Ash is excited to start on his newest journey, wondering if he’ll be able to find a way to abandon Bayleef again, and quickly finds Iris' hair in a bush. Not realizing that it's hair (after all, who would?) he scans it, and the pokedex reveals Axew (which is inside the hair, so you have to wonder, since the pokedex isn’t actually looking at things, how is it identifying them?). Ash throws out a pokeball without weakening the presumed pokemon, and Iris angrily tells Ash that she is not, in fact, a pokemon. Honestly? That hair really could be a pokemon if you just removed her from it.

Iris is excited to see a Pikachu and asks about the lightning storm in Nuvema Town, and upon hearing about Zekrom, she flips out and wants to hear more. Ash, however, instead chases a random wild Deerling. What a dick. After some random shenanigans, Iris begins calling Ash a little kid. At night, she declares her intention to meet Zekrom, and falls asleep. So… I’m just going to say it. How does a girl who spends all of her time in the wild have clothing that clean?

Meanwhile, Team Rocket contacts Giovanni. They ask for their pokemon back, but Giovanni tells them that using non-native pokemon would ruin the soft reboot and mark them as outsiders... which for some reason would be bad I guess, I don't know. Meowth even wonders why no one is pointing out how he’s also non-native, but no one gives an explanation and it's not mentioned again. Team Rocket decides they need to capture some new pokemon, and wouldn't you know it, some Woobat appear at just that moment.

In the morning, Iris and Ash split up (although I’m not really clear why they’re traveling together at all), and Ash finds a Pidove. I like how the pokedex makes a special mention that Pidove aren't attracted to shiny objects. It’s like… thanks? I was going to ask? Maybe? Ash follows it to find a flock of them and randomly targets one with thunderbolt. He tries to catch it, but the other Pidove defend it while it's down, and the lot of them just fly away. One stays for no particular reason, and it actually does pretty well against Pikachu, but Ash still catches it. He's excited, and Iris, who reappears at that moment (for no reason), mocks him for his excitement, calling him a kid again.

Team Rocket appears and steals Pikachu and Axew, giving their new motto. It's... pretty awful. I can’t say much more, it is just straight-up bad. I like how Iris is surprised at a talking Meowth, but just kind of instantly accepts it.

Ash sends out Pidove, so Jessie sends out... Meowth? Well, Meowth's not fighting for love this time, I guess, and loses instantly. Jessie instead throws out her new Woobat, and Ash doesn't scan it with his pokedex. Woobat defeats Pidove, and Team Rocket attempts to escape in their new, not-Meowth balloon. Ash tries to jump to the balloon, and even though he successfully jumps fifty feet into the air, the balloon is fifty-one feet in the air, but luckily, he survives what should be a fatal fall. Oshawott appears again and downs the balloon, freeing the pokemon, but after a brief battle that Oshawott wins, James just uses a smoke bomb to escape rather than let Pikachu blast them off. Nice. Then Ash and Iris just kind of leave Oshawott behind, thanking it for saving them.

At a pokemon center, Nurse Joy tells Ash that Pikachu are very rare here. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW2.jpg I think the only Unova resident with a line who hasn't commented on Pikachu's rarity has been Professor Juniper's assistant, a character so minor I didn't even mention her. I hope this won't become a thing like Iris’ calling Ash a kid. Ash and Iris laugh for a bit about how everything worked out and how he won’t be catching Oshawott in the near future.

A SANDILE GUSHER OF CHANGE!

"Derp"
Score: 3.5/10

Ash asks why Iris is coming along with her, and she insists it's the other way around... but we get no actual explanation other than that they're both main characters, I guess. The closest we get is "I thought I'd help you out." I’m going to cut the rest of this out of the episode, but this argument about who’s with who and the relative kidiness of each character continues the entire time. Eventually, Oshawott appears. Ash says "It's you... I remember!" and has a flashback to last episode like he's remembering something from years ago. Oshawott clearly wants to come with Ash, but Iris wants it because she likes cute things because… she’s a girl, I guess. I would like one main character female who doesn’t just want to catch cute things, you know? It’s been a consistent theme with all previous ones.

I do like how Oshawott throws Pikachu off of Ash's shoulder, though, and then deflects a thunderbolt with its shell. After like a minute and a half of Oshawott being all over him, Ash finally realizes that Oshawott wants to come... after Iris tells him. And Ash phrases the offer to come like it's only because Oshawott helped him out with Team Rocket, as if he only takes pokemon who help him out first. However, Oshawott is technically already owned by Juniper (which Ash only just now figures out), so Ash can't just catch it. Thus, he and Iris go to what I am forced to assume is a 7-11, http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW3.jpg And call up Juniper, who sends him Oshawott's pokeball. Just after this, the heroes meet Dan, a kid whose parents own a resort-spa-hotel. No, that’s literally how he introduces himself. What a douchebag. He’s concerned because wild Sandile have attacked customers in their sand… spa thingy, and driven away business. Iris squeals, because she "happens to adore resort-spas," which is why she lives in a jungle with a dragon as her only friend. Also: Dan becomes the first named Unova character not to talk about how rare Pikachu are.

Well, the heroes pad the episode for a bit until the Sandile in question appear, led by Sunglasses Sandile, who decided to steal Squirtle’s gimmick, I guess. It grabs Pikachu and Oshawott in its mouth and tries to escape, but Team Rocket captures them. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW3-1.jpg

As they try to escape into the nearby mountains, the other wild Sandile free them. Team Rocket just kind of leaves. I get that writers are trying to make Team Rocket seem more competent and retreat strategically, but come on, now they are literally just appearing to waste the episode’s time.

Finally, Sunglasses Sandile frees Pikachu and Oshawott, taking them to some wild Deerling, Pidove, and Patrat. The Sandile talk to the pokemon, and then some geysers erupt. The heroes follow, and Dan thinks the Sandile are protecting the wild pokemon, and that they drove away the humans to warn them of the danger. Unfortunately, the geysers erupt in such a way that all of the wild pokemon except the Sandile are cut off by boiling water... including the Pidove, which could easily just fly away.

Fortunately, the Sandile are on the case, and build a bridge of themselves. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW3-2.jpg The pokemon are too afraid to cross, so Ash goes over and helps them. I'm sorry, I just can't get over the Pidove here, when they finally cross, they even just fly over, they are in literally no danger at any point.

Well I guess everything is okay now, even though the geysers should still be blowing up. Dan’s parents turn the sand spa into a hot spring and the heroes leave… Sunglasses Sandile following them.

THE BATTLE CLUB AND TEPIG'S CHOICE!

"Tepig tepig tepig!"
Score: 4/10

The heroes have reached Striaton City, and in only four episodes! Very nice. If this was the DP anime, it would have taken twenty-eight episodes and a movie to reach this point. Oh, wait, no, it's Accumula Town, the narrator just... lied to us, I guess. Iris tells Ash about the Pokemon Battle Club, which is an organization that lets you enter your pokemon profile and the type of pokemon you want to battle against. They arrive just in time to watch a Servine lose to a Dewott in one hit. Impressive.

The leader of the battle club is Don George, and don't worry, he comments about the rarity of Pikachu, and a random kid named Ihavenoname challenges Ash because of his rare Pikachu. Oshawott leaves its pokeball on its own and insists on fighting, but steps aside when the kid sends out his Dewott. Well… that’s still better than a lot of Ash’s pokemon.

The battle doesn't finish, however, because Team Rocket tries to break into the facility's storage room in which a "mystery pokemon" is contained. You would think Don George would know the pokemon in his own storage room, but no, he does not. Team Rocket runs off when they trip an alarm, and Don George checks out the security camera footage (and allows the heroes to watch even though, from his perspective, they’re random kids), and see that the pokemon escaped the facility when Team Rocket broke in. The pokemon is hard to see on the camera and appears dark and skinny, so Ash thinks it's an Umbreon. Don George, however, thinks this unlikely, but if it's really an Umbreon, it'll be a huge find, because… I guess… animals are never brought from continent to continent?

Ash finds the pokemon in question - a very skinny and dirty Tepig that's had a rope tangled around its snout, so it has a hard time eating. It runs away from humans, but Ash catches it and helps it. He takes it to Don George and explains the situation, and Don George suddenly remembers Tepig and how its abusive trainer tied it to a stake and left. Before Don George could help it, it tore itself lose from the stake and got the rope tangled around its snout, and I guess it’s been like that for weeks or something, it’s kind of unclear. Team Rocket shows up and does its thing and steals Pikachu with its... flying force field technology, I guess, and Tepig is very impressed by Ash's unsuccessful attempts to save Pikachu, and volunteers to help. It succeeds, and Team Rocket, again, just kind of wanders off. Okay, I admit. I now understand why they had to blast off so often, the alternative is just even more ridiculous.

Iris declares Tepig to be extremely cute, and as she is a girl, she likes cute things, because as we all know, girls have no characteristics other than “likes cute things” and sometimes “likes boys” (and only sometimes, Zoey). She asks to catch it, but it wants to join Ash, which disappoints her.

So, uh… the writers do realize that this is the third fire-type starter Ash has taken from an abusive trainer, right? Like… we have seriously had this plot twice before, and not in filler episodes or with minor pokemon, we had it with Charmander and Chimchar, possibly Ash’s two most important pokemon other than Pikachu. It is impossible that the writers don’t know they’ve done this before, right?

Right?

TRIPLE LEADERS, TEAM THREATS!

"All ready to go but you don't know where you're going - just like a kid."
Score: 6.5/10

The heroes have reached Striaton City (for real). There, they meet Cilan, who compliments Axew and, you guessed it, comments about the rarity of Pikachu in Unova. You’d think that, if they’re so rare, every single person in Unova wouldn’t instantly recognize them, but okay. He is a Pokemon Connoisseur, which is someone who titles his job in such a way as to make the target demographic for the cartoon unable to spell it. Ash asks for directions to the gym, so Cilan takes them there, pretending he’s not a gym leader as he does.

Unfortunately for Ash, the gym is a dual gym-restaurant. Cilan and his brothers attempt to serve Ash, but Ash, annoyed, simply tries to leave. The brothers finally reveal that they are, in fact, gym leaders. They also reveal that they're armed not just with pokemon, but with something far, far more vile: fangirls. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW5.jpg You really have to wonder what's with the girls on the left, there. Do they think they show their love for the brothers most effectively by dancing with each other? And… well, these brothers are… only slightly less fabulous than Tucker, really. Anyway, the girls love to watch the brothers battle challengers while wearing skimpy cheerleader outfits despite being like ten years old. Cilan explains that Ash must choose his opponent: Pansear, Panpour, or Pansage. God Panpour looks stupid, was that really the best they could do?

Ash instead chooses to battle all of them because he wants to battle as many new pokemon as possible, and the best way to do that is by compromising his ability to win in gyms. The gym leaders agree, so long as Ash accepts that he'll have to win two matches out of three.

First up is Chili. Ugh, fire puns. "Alright, I'll be turning up the heat and showing you how to cook!" That doesn't even make sense in context argh. Ash decides that since he's fighting a fire type, he'll use Tepig. Well, since Chili is an expert in fire pokemon and Ash isn't, I'm sure the gym leader will win easily. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW5-1.jpg

Next up is Cress and his Panpour, so, because he countered fire with fire, Ash predictably sends out Oshaw-- Pikachu. Okay. Ash does his best to ensure Pikachu loses by using only the most predictable possible methods of attacks, and he succeeds.

Next up is Cilan. Since he's up against a Pansage, Ash sends out Pido-- Oh God, Oshawott. Pidove is the new Pidgeotto, isn't it? Oshawott, however, does not want to battle a grass pokemon, so Ash lies to it and says "you're the only pokemon that can get the job done." Ash's lies convince Oshawott to take the challenge. Well, I'm sure Oshawott won't get literally raped. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW5-2.jpg

Ash tells Oshawott to hit Pansage with water gun, and when it fails, his advice is "aim better." It works, but oh yeah, Pansage is a grass pokemon and doesn't take much damage. Worse, it uses solar beam. Wow, huh, that seems kind of out of control for the first gym of the region. I mean, this isn't as bad as Falkner's Pidgeot, but still, this is a little intense for people with level 5 Lillipups and stuff. As the solar beam moves toward Notpiplup, the episode ends on a cliffhanger.

I reserve judgment on Cilan’s worthiness as a protagonist until I see more of him.

DREAMS BY THE YARD FULL!

"Success. We've done it."
Score: 3.5/10

Fortunately, Oshawott deflects the solar beam using its shell. Jesus Christ, is there anything that shell can't deflect? And despite having seen "many Oshawotts" in the past, Cilan has never seen the shell be used to block! What is this. Well, the instant it tries to attack, the shell is knocked out of its hands. Cilan tells Ash that he has no spice and his attacks are bland, causing Oshawott to be boring, while his Pansage is "the most brilliant battler ever!" Wow, what a dickhead. Oshwaott is eventually able to retrieve its shell when it uses water gun to bounce around the gym at impossible to predict angles and hit the shell... somehow. Anyway, http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW6.jpg Ash wins. The brothers give Ash the Trio Badge, and when Ash tries to show off to Iris for some reason, she just tells him that had he lost after he voluntarily made the battle more difficult for himself, he'd have looked like an idiot. Ha! I like Iris already. She insults his style so much that he challenges her, but she decides to simply leave. Cilan asks if they're traveling together, but Iris claims they're not. Huh. News to me. Upon learning that Ash is not, in fact, traveling with an attractive girl his own age, Cilan has only one facial expression. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW6-1.jpg

Meanwhile, Team Rocket is infiltrating the Dream Yard (there was a minor subplot last episode that I cut where Giovanni orders them to go there to steal the "future energy" researchers were working on). We don’t learn this for a while, but for pacing purposes, I will tell you this now. Doctor Fennel was conducting research in a facility outside of Striaton City on dreams, hoping to use dream energy as clean energy to power the world. Sadly, some ambitious people got too close to her Musharna, so it accidentally ate their ambition (because ambition is a type of dream, get it?), which caused the facility to explode and Musharna to disappear. Fennel gave up on the dream energy, but some still remains in the area, so Team Rocket uses a machine to gather information on the remaining energy. For some reason, this awakens Musharna, who I guess was in the realm of dreams or something, it’s not really clear.

Meanwhile, Ash meets Nurse Joy, and he mistakes her for the other Nurse Joy. Now, in light of BW being a reboot, you can claim this makes sense, since Ash doesn't yet know that all Nurse Joys look the same... but in light of the continuity reboot not being a continuity reboot, I... just don't know. Also: she comments on the rarity of Pikachu. Cilan also shows up, and starts asking Ash creepy questions about how he trains with his pokemon. Fortunately, this is interrupted by Iris, whose Axew is asleep and glowing pink.

For once, however, it’s not because Iris is a girl and the writers only know how to associate cute things and pinkness with girls, but instead because of outside influence. Doctor Fennel runs in with her Munna, and it eats the dreams of Axew. We get to see Axew's dreams: to evolve into Haxorus and then... stand in one place and say its name. But it says its name threateningly. Fennel introduces herself as specializing in dreams and other mysterious phenomena, because dreams are extremely mysterious if you’re a minimum wage writer of cartoons for children. It’s at this point that Brock’s absence really begins to show: had he been here, he’d have already pulled his hitting on a hot chick gimmick.

Fennel explains that pink mist is over the city, causing pokemon to fall asleep. Officer Jenny, having switched into the most butch haircut possible (and I’m really trying to stop making gay jokes but this show just makes it too easy), appears and orders all pokemon recalled into their pokeballs because of the mist. Ash protests, saying that Pikachu dislikes pokeballs. Huh. Okay. How about you, as a cop, just force him to because he's ten years old? No? Okay. Fine, Fennel has a solution, anyway. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW6-2.jpg

Fennel thinks the key to solving this is in the remnants of the dream works, so she has Officer Jenny drive her there. Also, the heroes go with them because they have absolutely no involvement in this situation whatsoever. They all arrive and confront a disguised Team Rocket, asking what they're doing. Team Rocket admits they're conducting research on the energy here. Huh. How… villainous? I mean, yes, they activated Musharna and Musharna caused the pink mist to alert Fennel to come to the dream works to stop Team Rocket (this is explained), but that’s not really Team Rocket’s doing. Team Rocket’s not really doing anything villainous here, I have to say. I mean, if this area was dangerous, wouldn’t it be taped off or something?

Well, whatever. Musharna then teleports into existence from the Dream World or something, it’s never explained, because... it feels like this episode would be improved by a flying pig fetus, I guess. Team Rocket decides to do something actually villainous and kidnap Musharna for no reason, but fortunately, Pikachu easily defeats the harmless machine that is holding Musharna hostage but cannot otherwise defend itself, so Team Rocket just kind of leaves. Officer Jenny declares the case closed even though Team Rocket got away, thus showing that whether you’re in Japan or America, Officer Jenny is a terrible, terrible cop.

Team Rocket calls up Giovanni, who’s satisfied with their work. Huh. I… think that’s the first time that’s ever happened, actually.

Cilan, impressed by Pikachu’s ability to destroy stationary machines, asks to join Ash on his journey so that he can learn more about the pairing of pokemon and trainer. Iris appears again, and this time she decides to officially join Ash and Cilan for no reason. Ash and Cilan talk about their dreams, and ask Iris what hers are. Despite her dream of being a dragon trainer being ultra obvious, she refuses to say and the episode ends with laughter.

What a turd of an episode.

SNIVY PLAYS HARD TO CATCH!

"Cilan says..."
Score: 3.5/10

The heroes stop for lunch in the forest, and Iris runs out into the trees to find some wild fruit because, and I did not know this, but apparently, in the dense forests of New York, you can find wild apples, pears, bananas, and some kind of... yellow thing. It's not a lemon. I don't know. Cilan, however, insists on turning them into fruit muffins and cakes before they eat them. Don’t worry, this isn’t important, it’s just here to pad out the episode.

A wild Snivy appears and steals some of their food, so Ash decides to catch it without bothering to weaken it first. Of course, it escapes and tries to runs off, but Ash, excited at the idea of catching a grass pokemon (because God knows he’s never caught one in the past), sends Pikachu to fight it because it's the second-to-worst possible choice and he feels like saving Oshawott for later. Snivy simply uses attract on Pikachu, and while Pikachu's confused, whips it good. I could make a joke, but honestly, I've really already covered basically every possible BDSM joke in this cartoon. Ash decides that a pokemon attacking another pokemon is far too much for his delicate constitution to watch, and interposes himself between Snivy and Pikachu, taking the attacks and impressing Snivy. Still, however, Snivy just runs off, but it proves to be so strong that Cilan suspects it once had a trainer but left him. I don’t know if this will come up in a later episode, but it doesn’t come up again in this one. Rather than cut off its escape like last time, Ash just sends out Pidove to track Snivy down because he’s kind of a lazy douchebag.

Team Rocket, in the area, gets more orders from Giovanni, and decide to catch more pokemon. Snivy shows up, so Jessie sends out Meowth. Snivy just kind of leaves. Significance of this scene? About two minutes. Does Team Rocket appear again? No.

Snivy looks up at the clouds longingly, thinking about Ash protecting Pikachu, and takes a nap in the most open area possible to ensure all potential predators can find it. Pidove spots it and brings Ash to it, so Oshawott frees itself from its pokeball and asks to battle Snivy. Snivy's not impressed and tries to leave again, so Ash... follows it again. Wow, gripping. Once again, Snivy uses attract on Ash’s pokemon and kicks its ass, and then leaves. So Ash follows it again by sending Pidove to track it. While following it, Ash and Pikachu get caught in some... deep mud or something, and they can't escape, so Iris and Cilan rescue him while Snivy watches, apparently otherwise ready to just let Ash die, I guess. Significance of this scene? About two minutes.

Ash has Pidove track down Snivy again, and this time Snivy is impressed with him for no reason and consents to another battle. Ash sends out Tepig, and Iris reminds Ash not to let Tepig get hit by attract. Ash tells her that he already knows that then immediately lets Tepig get hit by attract. He recalls it, and then finally decides to send in Pidove. Snivy finds, to its surprise, that Pidove is immune to its attract because it's a chick (HURR DURR DURR) - and not of the Zoey variety. There actually is a rare legitimately funny moment here where Cilan compliments Ash's skill by sending a girl to fight a girl, and the Heroic Triumph music starts playing, only for Ash to admit he didn't know and the music to immediately stop.

Well, the episode only has two minutes left, so it's easy enough to guess what happens: gust leaf storm gust air cutter quick attack quick attack vine whip air cutter pokeball go. Of note: Snivy is not knocked out, it just kind of lets itself be caught after a while. Ash sends Snivy out immediately and tells it that he'll be taking it to win the Unova League.

Jesus Christ, writers, I literally cannot remember how many “Ash recruits an abused pokemon from another trainer by impressing it with his caring and battle skills” episodes there have been. I literally cannot. This episode doesn’t even have any humans or pokemon other than the main characters and their pokemon in it, it is just twenty minutes of Ash’s quest to find and beat up a girl who’s running through a forest trying to escape him. There are literally horror movies with this premise.

SAVING DARMANITAN FROM THE BELL!

"Maybe Pikachu ate it and forgot?"
Score: 3/10

The heroes have stopped at Nameless Town. Yes, it’s time for Best Wishes’ very first true filler episode! Joy. Cilan cooks lunch, but two wild Darumaka appear and steal their food. Seriously, I cannot even begin to guess how many times “wild pokemon steals the heroes’ food” has started an episode.

The Darumaka try to escape, so Ash sends out Oshawott to miss with water gun and get hit by two flamethrowers. This knocks Oshawott out, which is apparently a huge deal because Ash's pokemon have never been hit by two flamethrowers before, so they take it to a pokemon center.

Nurse Joy tells the heroes about the two Darumaka and the Darmanitan which lived with them. They used to be kind to humans, but now the Darumaka are stealing food and the Darmanitan has disappeared, which is a bit of a problem. Also, on a completely unrelated note that definitely won't be brought up again, a local old clocktower is going to be torn down. Don’t worry about it, though, it’s not important.

Then the heroes have dinner. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW8-1.jpg Nurse Joy appears and tells everyone staying at the pokemon center that they have dumplings for dessert, when what should happen but the Darumaka appear and steal the food. Never could’ve seen that one coming. Ash sends out Pidove to follow them and then follows on foot, but the Darumaka split up and escape. You know, given that Iris literally lives in a forest and can literally jump up tall trees in like two movements, you would think that she would be a faster runner than Ash.

Anyway, Pidove still catches the Darumaka entering the clocktower and tells the heroes about it. The heroes corner the Darumaka and ask why they're stealing the food, and after more padding than anything ever, the Darumaka take them to a Darmanitan at the top of the tower in zen mode, sitting beneath the bell. The Darumaka have been stealing food to feed it.

Then, the heroes see that the bell above Darmanitan is floating: it's using psychic to keep it up. You see, the bell was going to fall when the hook that kept it suspended broke, which would have destroyed the floors on each story as it did and bring the entire tower down (because that’s how floors work, right?), so Darmanitan has been keeping it floating using psychic. Thus, the heroes decide that they simple need to fix the hook.

SUPER EXCITING HOOK FIXING MONTAGE GOOOOOOO

Sometimes you gotta fix a hook / It’s not something You learn in any book You just gotta improvise If you’re lucky / It’ll fix before your eyes Pokemon!

After they fix the hook, Darmanitan does literally everything else for them and thanks them for thirty seconds of actual aid they provided. The next day, as the heroes leave, Nurse Joy tells the heroes that the town has decided to restore the clocktower (presumably at a high cost to the taxpayers) and let the pokemon live there. Cilan's response?
"Delicious!"
Seriously I don't understand why people like this guy more than Brock.

There’s also a subplot where Team Rocket, as inconspicuously as possible, http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW8.jpg Meet another agent and are given a briefcase and new orders: go to Nacarene City and await further orders.

Dun dun dun

THE LOOM IS ON AXEW!

"It's Axew's Dragon Sneeze!"
Score: 4/10

Iris and Cilan decide to have a battle, and Iris bans Ash from participating because he "would just try to win." Even after Ash offers not to use volt tackle, Iris refuses to let him fight: her goal is to slowly train Axew, not just to battle.

Cilan orders Pasage to use bullet seed "gently," and even after the weakest bullet seed in the history of pokemon, Axew is still ready to cry - it valiantly tries to continue, but it’s so weak that even after being hit with the most sperm-like solar beam in history is a problem. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW9.jpg Ash tells Iris that not battling for real won't help, so Iris orders a use of dragon rage that doesn't really work. Dragon Rage is supposed to create an energy ball you spit at the enemy, but Axew's energy balls just keep exploding while still in its mouth, creating craters around it.

Iris still refuses to battle Ash, though, so Ash asks how she got Axew in the first place: it was a gift from an elder in her home town. Wow, what a backstory. In her home village, everyone specializes in dragon pokemon, and presumably, ice cream is banned. An old woman gave her an Axew and told her to go on a journey, and she says "Yes ma'am" in the same voice you'd use to the teacher who just gave you detention. But it's been a while since Iris started her journey, and she's worried because Axew hasn't evolved yet and also kind of sucks.

Meanwhile, Axew is exploring and gets wedged in a Scolipede's antennae, and the wild pokemon starts freaking out. It begins using toxic on random pieces of terrain, burning them like acid in seconds, so Ash and Cilan decide to send out Pansage and Snivy. Amazingly, sending out only pokemon weak to poison and bug does not work out, so, after a while, Iris reveals her second pokemon: Excadrill.

Exadrill refuses to help, however, so Iris decides “to do it herself.” Doing it herself involves Pansage and Tepig helping her, but in any case, she does succeed in freeing Axew. Scolipede is still angry, but when it tries to brutally murder Iris, it accidentally kicks Excadrill. In the ensuing fight, Cilan detects "a delicate hint of battle flavor" from the murderous steel-plated mole, and Excadrill launches Scolipede into the distance. I love how Iris tries to apologize to Scolipede as it literally flies miles into the distance, presumably going splat as it hits the ground.

Ash wants to battle Iris, so she tells him to battle Pikachu. Ash agrees, and to no one's surprise, Pikachu kicks Ash's ass. I assume this is what writers do when they don’t know how to properly end an episode.

What can I even say other than that this episode is cobbled together from other episodes in earlier seasons? And that it’s not as good?

A RIVAL BATTLE FOR CLUB CHAMP!

"I guess Pikachu and Snivy were okay, but your other pokemon are a complete joke, and so’s their trainer."
Score: 5/10

The heroes stop in Luxuria Town to enter its Battle Club, and who should be here but Trip? Don George arrives, and we learn that the Don Georges basically have the exact same gimmick as Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny, except that they're all forty year-old men instead of attractive young women. Huh, I… can’t think of a joke for that.

Trip doesn't want to battle Ash because Pikachu lost to a brand new Snivy, and Ash only has five pokemon and one badge. He also makes a comment about groundless confidence that in the wake of continuity with earlier seasons makes no sense. Still, Cilan and Iris persuade Trip to battle Ash anyway.

Tranquill versus Oshawott. Tranquill defeats Oshawott in twenty-six seconds (I timed it). Well, take heart, Oshawott, that is a bit better than Torkoal did against Darkrai… although when I have to compare you to Torkoal to make you sound good, I… I just don’t know. Ash sends out Tepig, and Trip criticizes Ash's "straightforward" choices. What does that even mean. Tranquill uses double team, and I love how every time double team is ever used in this show, every single time, the other pokemon freaks out and gasps or something. Tranquill then uses work up and just one-shots Tepig.

Ash sends out Pikachu, which is what he should have done to begin with, and after a lot of effort, Pikachu does succeed in taking Trip’s pokemon down. Trip sends out his Servine, and Ash, disbelieving, mutters "That's Servine... it's gotta be!" Thus, Ash sends out Pidovnohedoesn't he keeps in Pikachu, and Pikachu is deservedly beaten without landing a single hit. Ash insists that a match is never over until it's over, and sends out Snivy. After about a minute of letting Snivy get its ass kicked, Ash eventually remembers it can use attract, and has it knock out the lovestruck Servine.

Next up is Frillish, so Ash recalls Snivy and sends out Pidove, ordering it to lose in one hit. Pidove does its best and succeeds. Ash sends Snivy out again, but doesn't realize that using vine whip is a bad idea - Frillish has cursed body, which prevents Snivy from attacking with it again. Thus, Ash has Snivy attack Frillish with leaf storm and then use attract... which Frillish just dodges and then finishes Snivy off.

There’s also a subplot where Team Rocket is cornered by the entire police force of Luxuria Town, which apparently only use batons and not guns. Another Team Rocket agent named Peuce helps them escape in a truck, and Officer Jenny helpfully informs them that they're resisting arrest. Then they destroy their truck on purpose and escape in jetpacks, instead of just escaping in jetpacks and not trashing a ninety thousand dollar truck.

So, uh… I gotta tell you. I now understand why Gary never battled Ash until the final episode of season 2, and only battled him full on at the end of season 5. I now understand why Paul didn’t have a full battle with Ash until they’d known each other for some time. It’s because it’s just not exciting. They’ve had no time to really establish a rivalry, and as a result, the writers are just giving away the goods too soon. You’re supposed to tantalize the audience with the promise of an exciting battle for a while, which can be as enticing as the actual battle itself. Instead, we just immediately get a battle on Trip’s second appearance.

And honestly, just **** Trip. This is Ash’s second worst rival, and I say that only because no one will ever be worse than Ritchie. This guy’s only personality is “dick.” Even in his early episodes, Paul at least used strategy and thought things out while calling Ash a dumbass - here, Trip is just a jerk. He’s not even an interesting jerk, and his only personality trait - calling Ash a dumbass - is already handled by a main character, Iris.

A HOME FOR DWEBBLE!

"Herp."
Score: 4/10

The heroes stop by a river for lunch. For once, however, nothing tries to steal their food. Instead, they see a wild Dwebble carving a rock to make a home for itself, as Dwebble like to live with rock thingies on their backs. As soon as it finishes, three larger Dwebble appear and steal the rock, attaching it to the largest Dwebble’s already large rock. What is their motivation here? I do not know. In fact, given that we see Dwebble move around largely by digging, you would think a larger rock would be a disadvantage, but whatever, I guess.

Dwebble follows the evil Dwebble, but they get away. When the heroes approach it, it freaks out at seeing humans and attacks, and accidentally hits Pansage with a flying rock. Well, as we all know, rocks cause fevers, so Pansage is now sick, and it’s up to Iris to cure it with her knowledge of herbal remedies. She does. Wow, that was exciting. Cilan makes dinner for everyone, and let me tell you, it’s even more exciting than it sounds.

In the morning, Dwebble and the heroes find the evil Dwebble. Dwebble refuses the heroes' help and insists on fighting a three-on-one by itself, and does as well as you'd expect someone fighting three other people at once to do. Finally, the heroes persuade it that it needs their help in at least splitting up the evil Dwebble, and in one-on-one fights, it easily defeats the two smaller Dwebble. Finally, the head evil Dwebble is the only one left. Dwebble uses shell smash (despite having nothing to smash) and knocks off the head Dwebble's rock, which also results in its rock being knocked off, allowing it to take it back. Dwebble asks to come with Cilan, and of course, Cilan finds a way to make a food analogy. Still. At least Dwebble didn’t comment about the rarity of Pikachu.

Meanwhile, Peuce takes Team Rocket to an abandoned subway tunnel. He tells them that they have to go to the Antimony Research Lab and steal some data, and he does it using the least necessary hologram ever. Cut to Team Rocket... infiltrating the lab and stealing the data. Then they go back to Peuce and deliver the data. There are literally no hang-ups or unexpected problems with Peuce’s plan. The end.

HERE COMES THE TRUBBISH SQUAD!

"Right."
"Of course."
"Indeed."
Score: 3/10

The heroes are walking along when several kids and a Trubbish ride up and attack them by throwing balls of mud. Also, they steal Ash's hat. Two women run up, Daniela and her grandmother the daycare lady, and explain they're from Daniela’s kindergarten class.

See, the kids found a Trubbish in a junkyard one day (why they were at a junkyard I do not know, unless it was the worst field trip ever) and brought it back. Daniela wouldn't let the kids keep Trubbish because it stank up the school too much, so when they refused to give it up, she dragged it back to the garbage dump and left it there. The next day, the kids just dragged all of the trash from the junkyard and set up a fort to hide in with Trubbish. Yes, apparently five five year-olds brought half a junkyard to a school. Including sofas, refrigerators, and other extremely heavy things. The kids refuse to let any adults to come into their fort, so Ash offers to help and go talk to the kids. By the way, yes, the kids do comment on the rarity of Pikachu, but this is offset by a rare legitimately funny moment where Pikachu acts cute and Trubbish tries to act cute by doing exactly the same thing as Pikachu. After a brief cameo by Sunglasses Sandile, the kids convince Ash that they should be able to keep Trubbish because… they want to, I guess.

Daniela, annoyed at Ash betraying her, sends out her ultimate pokemon: Deerling. During the Deerling/Pikachu battle, the former gets stuck under a mound of junk that's threatening to collapse. Part of it does collapse, and Daniela saves a kid by throwing herself in the way of some of the junk. Fortunately, Trubbish eventually decides to just destroy the junk or blast it away, saving everyone. Seeing that the kids and Ash desperately want to keep Trubbish, Daniela finally relents and allows it to stay. Her grandmother, satisfied, tells Daniela that if a Trubbish likes humans, it won't release its smelly breath, and everyone angrily asks her why she didn't tell them that before and save them a filler episode. Her response? "You have to go your own way." Jesus Christ, **** you, lady. As an attempt to keep this episode from being completely filler, she gives Ash a pokemon egg but refuses to say what’s inside, because the writers felt that we haven’t had the “character receives a mystery pokemon egg” plot enough yet. You know what, I hope that’s a Farfetch’d, just so you’ll be stuck with a completely useless pokemon, Ash.

In a subplot, Team Rocket is given a replica of a "certain rock” by another agent and told to wait for more orders. Man, super exciting stuff, here, people.

MINCCINO - NEAT AND TIDY!

"That's a pokemon connoisseur for you... whatever he just said."
Score: 5/10

The heroes are traveling along a river to Nacrene City when they are stopped by Bianca, who trips and crashes into Ash and Cilan. Wow, a clumsy moe girl who apologizes and bows a lot in an anime? I've never seen one of those before. You really have to wonder what is it in the Pokemon world that makes girls think traveling through forests in long skirts that nearly reach their ankles is a good idea.

Bianca shows Ash her cell phone watch (I refuse to call it anything else) and calls up Professor Juniper to introduce her. Bianca has been sent to give Ash his badge case, which is unfortunately very dirty because Bianca’s purse is apparently filled with nothing but dust. A wild Minccino appears and steals the badge case, because dammit, we haven't had nearly enough episodes where Ash's badges are stolen. The heroes follow it and watch it clean up the badge case, and Bianca decides that, since she is naturally messy, Minccino would be the perfect pokemon for her. You can tell Bianca is messy because her skirt is pure white and completely clean after hours of traveling through a forest.

Ash is ready to attack Minccino, but Bianca insists on fighting it first and sends out a Pignite. I love how Cilan calls Bianca a "fierce battler," only for Pignite to get its ass kicked by hyper voice and tickle so that Bianca has to recall it. Ash just sends out Pikachu, but Oshawott insists on coming out and battling for him - at one point, Bianca tries to command Oshawott, and the distraction allows Minccino to defeat it. I hope trying to command other peoples’ pokemon doesn’t become a thing with her. Minccino has now had enough and runs off, and Ash tells Bianca that this is her fault. She just ignores him and insists he help her catch Minccino because… because, I guess.

Eventually, the heroes find it again, so Ash sends out Snivy on the grounds that it's probably been his most competent pokemon so far. Somehow this turns into a conversation about Bianca's overprotective father where she uses a Valley Girl accent she did not have in previous scenes, and will have randomly throughout the rest of the episode. As someone who has lived in the Valley for most of his life, whose sisters were and are cheerleaders who talk about American Idol and how much their butts hurt from practicing tumbling, who has had to spend hours around their five hundred visually identical friends who are all also cheerleaders, I can tell you that actual Valley Girls sound nothing like Bianca.

Snivy uses attract, but Minccino just dodges it and uses attract itself. Snivy can't resist the allure of an ultra-sexy Minccino and is soundly defeated, so Ash sends out Pikachu... again. Pikachu decides that since the episode is almost over, it will just defeat Minccino easily, but Bianca stops Ash from finishing it off because she wants to catch it herself. She wastes everyone’s time so that Minccino is about to escape, when she finally takes out a dusty pokeball, which causes it to clean it with its tail, accidentally tripping the button on the pokeball and catching itself. Bianca celebrates catching Minccino as if she had anything to do with its capture, and Ash gets his badge back.

At a pokemon center, Bianca challenges Ash to a battle, so they agree to a one versus one. Pignite versus Pikachu. Despite Pignite landing like twelve hits and Pikachu landing one, Pikachu wins, and everyone acts like Bianca isn’t an incompetent fool.

Seriously, I have no opinion about Bianca in the game, but she does nothing in this episode except act like a dumbass.

A NIGHT IN THE NACRENE CITY MUSEUM!

"How awesome is it to have a gym that's inside a museum?!"
Score: 4/10

I'll take "Things no child would ever actually say" for 200, Alex.

The heroes reach Nacarene City, which we learn is extremely boring. Of note: the gym is inside of the city's museum, just to deter interested children from challenging the gym leader.

Unfortunately, the museum is closed today with no explanation, even though a big Secret Artifacts exhibit was supposed to be held here. Okay, time to condense a lot of stuff because I can’t make jokes out of it.

Hoz, the husband of Lenora, the gym leader, was setting up a Secret Artifacts exhibit that includes a replica Cofagrigus coffin and Yamask mask. It’s now being attacked by a ghost. Iris believes it’s an angry spirit, but Cilan insists that the explanation must be scientific. They spend the entire episode fighting possessed suits of armor and stuff while Cilan says things like “ultra-low frequency sound waves.” Eventually it turns out to be a Yamask: Hoz accidentally got a real Yamask mask and placed it in a display case where Yamask couldn’t get it back. Lenora appears, solves the problem, and Yamask leaves.

Meanwhile, Peuce talks to Team Rocket: steal the meteorite and leave the replica they got several episodes ago-- but that's "not your true target."

THE BATTLE ACCORDING TO LENORA!

"Will Ash be successful in his quest to power up his pokemone?!"
Score: 6/10

I’m going to guess… yes.

Lenora and Hoz take the heroes through the museum's library, and ask Ash if he wants to study about Unova's history before the battle, and despite dropping a ton of hints that he should read a particular book, Ash just wants to battle. Cilan and Iris just flat out tell Ash that Lenora is testing him, so he agrees to read the book. When he touches it, it trips a secret staircase to the gym arena. Lenora then explains that it's all a test (duh) to see what kind of trainer you are by what book you try to read. Eh. Still better than Lieutenant Surge’s gym test.

Lenora introduces her pokemon: Watchog and Lillipup. Careful, Ash, I suggest you go ahead a bit, catch a Sawk or a Throh (I went with Sawk), and come back. In any case, Lenora talks about how awesome normal pokemon are for gym battles because they don't have an element. Now, putting that aside, I've gotta tell you, Whitney and Norman are not among Ash's more impressive battles.

The battle will be two-on-two, so it's Lillipup versus Tepig. I do enjoy how Lillipup instantly stops acting cute and suddenly starts scowling and growling, but as a result, looks twice as cute.

Lenora makes the odd call of starting out with roar, sending Tepig back to its pokeball and forcing out Oshawott, then sends in Watchog and has it use mean look. So, uh… there are so many ways this strategy could go wrong that I don’t even know where to begin, but the ultimate point of it to make her challenger go off balance as a result. I do like, however, how Cilan takes Brock's place as the guy who comments on every single thing that happens in every single battle. Oddly, Oshawott is extremely upset at having to battle earlier than it wanted to. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW15.jpg Oshawott and Watchog battle for a bit, but it eventually loses its shell (I hope this doesn't become a thing, because it’s happened before), which causes it to lose. In the ensuing Lillipup versus Tepig battle, Tepig gets its ass kicked and quickly loses. Ash feels bad for sucking, and at the pokemon center, Nurse Joy tells him to visit the Battle Club for special training and tips. He does so, and Don George agrees to give him special training… next episode.

That night, Team Rocket steals the museum's meteorite and replaces it with a fake with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever, leading me to be unable to make jokes at their expense.

Overall, a decent episode, I guess, but I don’t really like Lenora.

REMATCH AT THE NACRENE GYM!

"These episodes have fewer stupid things said than earlier seasons, so it’s difficult to find good quotes."
Score: 4.5/10

Don George takes the heroes to his special training room, which consists of treadmills, dumbbells, and so on. It's meant for pokemon, but Don George insists Ash train physically as well because Lenora's strategies can throw the trainer off as well.

Don George's training for Tepig? Put Tepig and Ash on a treadmill while cannons shoot rubber spheres meant to represent shadow balls from all directions at once. His training for Oshawott? Have it and Ash swim against a current. I, for one, choose to assume that Don George is actually Jewish and he’s choosing to take it out against poor, poor Tepig. In any case, Tepig does flame charge and Oshawott sort of learns aqua jet (it can use it, but not aim properly), so I guess Don George probably knows what he’s talking about.

The next day, Ash challenges Lenora again. Lenora reveals that her pokemon will be Watchog and Mustachedog-- I mean Herdier, and we’re explicitly told that Lenora evolved Lillipup to throw Ash off guard. Huh. So what happens with the next trainer? Will she evolve it again, and some newbie with a Pidove and Roggenrola will be up against a Stoutland?

Well, whatever. Ash sends out Tepig, and predictably, Lenora uses shadow ball spam, so Tepig is now able to dodge them all. Lenora counters this by using roar again, then mean look with Watchog.

Oshawott's swimming training has now made it extremely fast (on land), but its aqua jet is still imperfect and can't hit consistently, which is bad, because Watchog uses confuse ray. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter: a confused Oshawott still lands a lucky aqua jet, and both pokemon are knocked out at the same time. You know, given how rarely that happens in the actual game…

Herdier versus Tepig, and Tepig performs very well. Cilan tells us that Tepig's training is paying off, just in case we couldn’t tell. This is good because, according to Cilan, this is Ash’s last chance for the second badge even though this was never implied before.

Herdier lands a giga impact, and of course, it requires no rest after. I love how Unova gym leaders who challenge weak, newbie trainers keep busting out this level of insanity-- first Cilan and solar beam, and now this. Granted, it’s not as silly as Falkner the Pidgeot trainer, but still. Eventually, they land giga impact and flame charge at the same time, knocking both down... but Herdier falls back down even though it’s taken very little damage and Tepig has taken a huge amount. I love how Hoz (the battle announcer here) takes his job completely seriously and announces that Ash is the winner to... Lenora and Ash's friends, who all saw it happen. Lenora gives Ash the Basic Badge, and everyone laughs for some reason.

Eh.

SCRAGGY - HATCHED TO BE WILD!

"Use thunderbolt, let's go! Maybe a bit more like thunderburp..."
Score: 4/10

Ash's egg is about to hatch when Axew, hopping with joy because it'll soon be a "big brother" (I had honestly assumed it was female) knocks it down a hill, causing it to hatch into a Scraggy.

The rest of the episode is about Scraggy being a douchebag. At the end of the episode, Scraggy and Axew strike up a rivalry over food, and since they both suck at fighting so much, Cilan decides they'd be perfect to battle against each other. A misused dragon rage knocks both out at once, however, proving that they both suck a lot.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket delivers the meteorite to Peuce in the Team Rocket Mobile Research Lab, a helicopter laboratory, built for all of the times you need to conduct research but can’t be bothered with things like “reliable electric systems that don’t need be recharged regularly.” There, they meet Doctor Monocle, whose name is said precisely one time, but I didn't hear it correctly. Doctor Monocle starts scanning it, causing it to glow. This is a good thing, I guess, and they fly off to their next mission.

SEWADDLE AND BURGH IN PINWHEEL FOREST!

"A pure heart makes for profound art!"
Score: 4/10

The heroes reach Pinwheel Forest, and as they enter, a Sewaddle attacks Pikachu. Cilan then informs us that Sewaddle are popular among clothing designers because they can design and make their own clothing out of leaves. Huh. I would have thought clothing designers would like good-looking pokemon instead, but what do I know?

Ash likes Sewaddle's battling spirit and decides to catch it, but as soon as Pikachu actually strikes it back, it just runs off. Well, this is obviously the kind of battler Ash needs, so the heroes run after it, only to get lost in the forest because they’re idiots.

While wandering, they meet Burgh, a “super-talented artist,” but he's stuck in a slump, so he's hoping to get inspiration by living out here among the forest pokemon. I’m going to tell you this now: I would take a thousand Biancas over one Burgh. This guy literally uses the phrase “pure heart” at least once per five sentences, and that is not an exaggeration, I really hope he never appears again after the gym battle. In any case, while they talk with Burgh, Sewaddle reappears and attacks Ash, and Burgh explains this particular Sewaddle is wild and kind of a dick. That’s okay, though, because Ash already owns a pokemon whose chief characterization is “kind of a dick.”

Burgh tells Ash that you need to get to know a pokemon before catching it, and tells him to introduce himself, telling the heroes that Sewaddle distinguish things by poking their foreheads at them, so Pikachu, Axew, Burgh, and Iris rub foreheads with it, but when Ash tries, it just tackles him. The three of them (Cilan stays behind) follow Sewaddle as it does mundane things, and I love how it takes a nap in the middle of a field... even though this is a forest. And you would think predators would be all over it.

Anyway, Sewaddle is nearly killed three times in ten minutes, leaving me to wonder how it survived this long to begin with, but Ash is there to rescue it no matter what kind of trouble it gets into: wild Woobat, Japanese waterfalls, or crazy Deerling. You know, I really do not know how many times the “Ash saves a wild pokemon because it’s a dumbass and it bonds with him” plot has been used, I really don’t.

Sewaddle is now all over Ash and asks to come with him, so he catches it. Unfortunately, this is Ash’s seventh pokemon, so the pokeball refuses to open because you’re only allowed to have six. I have to admit, this is better than the seventh pokeball just teleporting away like with what happened with Krabby like seven hundred episodes ago (that’s not even an exaggeration). Burgh takes Ash to a pokemon center so Ash can exchange pokemon, and then declares that he’s gotten inspiration from Ash and his new pokemon and runs back to Castelia City, telling Ash that he looks forward to their upcoming battle.

I seriously can’t tell you how annoying Burgh is.

A CONNOISSEUR'S REVENGE!

"Snivy also has no respect for my tongue!"
Score: 5/10

The heroes are traveling when they find a brand new Walmart-sized pokemart in the middle of a forest, filled with customers, because everyone knows that city-dwellers love driving out hours into the middle of a forest to buy basic supplies. Personally, I don’t feel right unless I drive to Fresno at least once a week.

Inside the pokemart is a connoisseur shop, where someone checks your pokemon and evaluates your compatibility. Cilan then explains the ranking system for connoisseurs - he's A-class, but there's also S-class above that. What’s the deciding factor in Ash wanting to get his pokemon evaluated? That the connoisseur is female. How… strangely potentially sexist? I don’t know.

Ash dislikes the long line, but another female connoisseur tells him that she's free. Ash thinks this is not suspicious at all, even though he's last in line of dozens and she offers to see him specifically. This connoisseur is named Burgundy - and don't worry, she comments on the rarity of Pikachu. She then proceeds to examine all of Ash’s pokemon (except Pidove, who’s not with him) and inform him that he has no chemistry with any of them because of things like Tepig being too happy or Snivy’s eyes being too narrow. When Cilan and Iris appear, Burgundy reveals that she knows Cilan - she lost a battle to Cilan, and he said "ridiculous and hurtful things" to her. By the way, she did not know Ash is Cilan’s friend, so apparently she just randomly ambushed a trainer to insult.

She became a connoisseur as revenge (and you just know that any revenge plot that involves learning a trade and becoming a professional in whatever field you study is probably very complex), but Cilan joined Ash’s journey before she came back to the gym. She now just wants to defeat Cilan, and also eventually admits that she's only a C-class (so her insults to Ash’s pokemon are incorrect, I guess). Cilan tells her that the manual isn't always right, so Burgundy challenges him to a battle. Wait - the manual tells you that a Tepig that’s too happy is a bad Tepig? That’s oddly specific.

Dewott versus Dwebble - Cilan's choice surprises everyone because it's weak to water pokemon. Cilan then promises that if he loses, he'll give up his A-class rating and make Ash replace all of his pokemon, because… he totally has the authority to do that, I guess. Cilan's plan for using Dwebble is to let it get hit, because its ability is Sturdy, and then to use shell smash and defeat Dewott. Cilan then chides Burgundy for being a crappy connoisseur (not that he uses those exact words), so she sends out a Sawsbuck. I like how the pokedex claims people use them to measure the passing of the seasons, because in Unova, apparently they hate going outside. Cilan just sends out Pansage, then uses confusing, sneaky attacks to defeat her. After the battle, Cilan tries to give her some advice, but she just gets angry and leaves. He is satisfied, however, that she’ll become a good connoisseur one day.

So, uh… I don’t really like Burgundy, sorry. Aside from her personality being annoying, a rival is supposed to be at least vaguely on the level of the person she’s a rival to, which is how she challenges him and makes him better. Freaking Ash had a more of a chance against Tobias than Burgundy had against Cilan. Still, Burgundy does get beaten up a lot over this episode, which is gratifying to watch, as, as I mentioned, she is very annoying.

DANCING WITH THE DUCKLETT TRIO!

"I'm afraid Excadrill's acting a bit Chili!"
Score: 3.5/10

Cilan cooks up some lunch, only for Ash and Pikachu to fall down a sudden hole in the ground (without his pokeballs), which instantly collapses into itself so Cilan and Iris can’t follow. Thus, they send out Pansage and Excadrill to dig through the collapsed dirt-- but Excradrill won’t help and a wild Ducklett steals Cilan’s silverware, so Iris goes after it while Cilan digs through the hole.

We learn that the hole was dug by Sunglasses Sandile, which wanted to battle Ash by separating him from the rest of the heroes: it desperately wants to battle Pikachu for… some reason, I guess. It’s followed Ash like fifty miles on foot, I assume its desire is pretty intense. When was the last time you walked fifty miles? Freaking never is when. Ash has Pikachu lead with thunderbolt because he's an idiot, and the battle commences, but it's interrupted by a wild Derplett. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW20.jpg I find that image absolutely hilarious for some reason. It's like... "I don't even know why I exist." Ducklett actually only pretends to be a derp and puts its head in Sandile's mouth to examine it, but soon reveals its true colors: blue. Then it steals Sandile’s sunglasses and flies off.

Sandile is cowardly without its sunglasses, so Ash agrees to help it retrieve them... only for another Ducklett to steal Ash's hat. Ash does track down the Ducklett and defeat them, but then the one that stole Cilan's silverware appears, rescues its friends, and they then trap Pikachu in an umbrella while it uses thunderbolt, which I guess damages Pikachu’s ability to use electricity? It’s… not really clear? But in any case, Pikachu can no longer use thunderbolt.

Ash tries just asking for the sunglasses back, but the Ducklett just pretend to give them back before attacking again. Pikachu can no longer use electricity, so it’s a three-on-three battle (Ash helps fight the Ducklett), but Ash, Pikachu, and Sandile all lose handily.

Somehow, Pikachu learns electro ball, it’s not really clear how, and defeats the Ducklett. Iris and Cilan appear again, as do the Ducklett, so Pikachu volunteers to fight them again, and can now use thunderbolt again I guess, it’s not really explained. After being defeated again, the Ducklett just kind of leave. At the pokemon center, Nurse Joy tells everyone about the annoying Ducklett that live around here and that’s that, I guess. No further explanations.

Sandile wants another battle with Pikachu, and here we learn Pikachu's known moves are now iron tail, quick attack, electro ball, and thunderbolt. Phew. Good thing you gave up that nasty, useless volt tackle in favor of electro ball. During the battle, Sandile evolves into Krokorok, and... I don't really know why, but Krokorok gets blasted off into the sky or something, I guess. I don't know. It’s not really clear how it happens.

Nothing at any point in this episode is clearly explained.

THE LOST WORLD OF GOTHITELLE!

"It's like a dream, the memories, hidden within the mists of a passing fog."
Score: 7/10

The heroes are heading to the Skyarrow Bridge, the last major obstacle before the plot advances. Just before they escape the filler, Ash stops at a pokemart by the bridge and runs into a woman named Sally. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW21.jpg In the mart, Ash exchanges Sewaddle for Pidove and is then flabbergasted to see Sally, whom almost ran into in front of the store as they both entered the store, in the store. She's looking at a few pictures of a ferry that used to run here before the bridge was built.

They take their leave of the character of the day, but suddenly, the area is foggy, so Officer Jenny appears and sends out a Swanna to use defog... but it doesn't work. Rather than deal with this problem, Officer Jenny instead prioritizes giving tickets to people who try to drive in the fog. I would call her the worst cop ever, but honestly, real cops love to park behind trees and wait for people to run stop signs instead of stopping murders and stuff, so yeah, this is pretty realistic.

Ash decides to just ignore the fog and cross the bridge anyway, but it just gets thicker as they go. A Gothitelle appears over the bridge and obstructs their passage, refusing to let them cross, so Ash attacks with Snivy. A leaf storm connects with a psybeam, plunging the heroes into another world. Yep. It’s that easy.

The heroes see that the bridge is still being built and a girl who looks exactly like a younger version of Sally is running a ferry across the river. She has a Gothitelle, so, seeing that this is where the plot is, the heroes board the ferry. The captain laments that his ferry will soon close with the bridge's completion, and it's Cilan who figures out that they've traveling "into another world" (not through time). Yes, Cilan, the guy who made a huge stink about science and reasonable explanations is the guy who talks about time travel and interdimensional movement here. When they reach the other side of the bridge, the heroes find they're on the same side of the bridge that they started on. Cilan realizes that they're stuck in a loop that will always result in them reaching this ferry because the writers had just finished watching Window of Opportunity before they made this episode.

The heroes watch Sally order her Gothitelle to help her get more supplies for the ferry, so she has it use psychic to open a door. No, literally, this happens. Amazing psychic powers from "the astral body pokemon" are used to open a door.

Cilan decides that Gothitelle might be the key to this, so they decide to ask about it. Sally explains that Gothitelle used to be wild, but one day decided to just help out and hang around - Gothitelle is extremely happy helping by opening doors and sweeping floors. Cilan now believes that Gothitelle can warp space and created a world made out of its memories of time spent with Sally, and Ash says that he doesn't think these memories are particularly special, what a dick.

They watch Gothitelle leave into the fog surrounding the area after it finishes helping for the day, and decide to follow it. It walks onto the bridge, and as soon as it's out of sight of Sally and her father, the heroes ask to be allowed to leave its memory world. Obviously, the most reasonable response is to attack, so Cilan decides that if they battle Gothitelle, they might learn something useful (spoilers: they don’t). Ash sends out Snivy, and during the battle, adult Sally appears and tells Gothitelle that she also got lost in this memory world.

We learn that when the ferry shut down and Sally moved away, Gothitelle joined her and her father. When she grew up, Sally went to medical school, leaving Gothitelle with her father, and several years later learned that Gothitelle had disappeared. What? Her father never called her to say that her pet ran away? Jesus Christ, what a dick. Well, she happened to be assigned to a hospital near here and came to look at the bridge for old time’s sake, and now they're reunited. Sally tells Gothitelle that it needs to release everyone, however, because you “can’t turn back time” even though Gothitelle has pretty much done exactly that. Well, whatever, Gothitelle takes everyone out of the memory world, but decides not to go with Sally because... I don't know. It does say that Sally can come visit it if she likes, and then it leaves.

So… this episode is kind of nice, so I gave it a high score, but it also makes no real sense at any point. The heroes are completely superfluous here and do literally nothing except observe the entire episode, making Gothitelle the protagonist. This would be interesting, except that the writers aren’t talented enough to even realize what they did, so the heroes are still the protagonists and as a result, the episode is much worse than its potential implies.

A VENIPEDE STAMPEDE!

"I couldn't care less about your REASONS."
Score: 4/10

Ugh, Trip is awful.

Remember when Team Rocket was in this show? Neither do I! Well, the writers do, bizarrely enough, and Team Rocket, Peuce, and Doctor Monocle are in their laboratory-helicopter looking for another meteorite under the Desert Resort.

Cut to the heroes reaching Castelia City, and Cilan insists they go to the Castelia Cone, a famous ice cream shop. However, Ash insists that there’s no time for ice cream (bastard), they must go to the gym first. On the way, they bump into Burgh, who informs them that he can't battle now because the wild bug pokemon in the city are restless, which generally happens when "something bad is gonna happen."

Pikachu feels something wrong with the sewer, and Burgh confirms that the sewer runs into a river nearby, so they all go to investigate, and soon find a trapped Venipede (and Ash uses the correct pronunciation of "antennae"). Burgh tells Ash not to touch it because its skin is poisonous, but he does so anyway because dammit, that’s how we roll in Japan. Amazingly, Ash is poisoned, but luckily, Cilan heals him instantly. Wow, what drama we have in this show.

A colony of Venipede stampede by, and Burgh questions why they're here, since Venipede normally live outside of the city. As they leave the sewer, they see thousands of Venipede are swarming the city. I love how Officer Jenny comes and warns only Burgh and the heroes to leave - all of the helpless civilians she does nothing for, but Burgh, the pokemon expert who can survive days in the forest with no problem? He needs to be warned for his own safety. We also learn that Professor Juniper is trying to determine why the Venipede are freaking out. Well, that’s actually pretty simple: Unova needs a “freaky bug swarm” pokemon and the Beedrill are all busy in Japan.

An explosion occurs near the pokemon center (except when they get there, there’s no sign of it), and the heroes see several trainers defending it with fire pokemon, including Trip, who now has a Lampent. Ash tells them not just attack the Venipede because Professor Juniper is trying to figure out what's happening, and when the mayor appears, Burgh and the heroes convince him to let them drive the Venipede into the city’s park and keep them there rather than just attacking. Burgh knows that Venipede leaders usually hang out at high points to watch out for danger, so they look for a completely anonymous high building in a city of nothing except high buildings and successfully locate the identical Venipede (among tens of thousands) in twenty seconds.

After a lot of filler, during which Trip joins the heroes temporarily and Ash’s Pidove evolves (and if you think I’m unfairly skipping over the significance of a pokemon evolving, it’s only because the episode does too), the Venipede are all in the park.

Trip leaves, saying the gym won’t be open for a while so he’d rather go on ahead. Professor Juniper arrives at this point, telling everyone that she’s located two enormous energy sources coming from the Desert Resort, which freaked out the Venipede and sent them into the city. Well, this looks dangerous, so let’s send only a noncombatant professor and Officer Jenny, who, like all American cops, is armed only with green hair, to investigate, while Burgh and the heroes stay in the city.

BATTLE FOR THE LOVE OF BUG-TYPE!

"Pikachu is the main ingredient in Ash's strategy recipe!"
Score: 5/10

The heroes reach the Castelia Gym, and Burgh is happy to take Ash's challenge. Huh. I guess Trip was just kind of wrong.

Burgh sends out his first pokemon: Dwebble. Ash counters with Tepig, a move which Iris compliments even though it's his worst possible choice. And indeed, Tepig loses easily. Good work, everyone. Fortunately, Sewaddle picks up the slack and defeats Dwebble for Ash.

Next up: Whirlipede. Whirlipede exists because GameFreak thought Kakuna and Metapod were too damn dignified. Cilan muses that a flying pokemon would be best here, but Ash already sent Tranquill to Professor Juniper because he knew he was going to a bug gym and having an advantage would be too smart. He probably plans to use Oshawott against Elesa, too.

Well, whatever. Sewaddle is hit by a solar beam, causing it to evolve into Swadloon. With its new power, it defeats Whirlipede. Finally, Burgh sends out Leavanny, and Iris mutters that she was afraid of this, as if Burgh using his own signature pokemon was ever in question. In fairness, this next part of the battle is kind of interesting, where Swadloon is strung up by string shot and has to hit itself with razor leaf to escape, but Leavanny wins without taking damage anyway, making Swadloon’s bravery and cleverness completely pointless.

Oshawott escapes its pokeball again and asks to fight, but Ash chooses Pikachu instead, promising to use Oshawott next time. Holy crap, he does plan to use Oshawott against Elesa, I can’t even make jokes about Ash anymore.

But don’t worry.

Burgh comments about the rarity of Pikachu.

Pikachu is hit by string shot, which gets all over its tail and ruins its balance, preventing it from using its moves properly. Fortunately, Ash tricks Leavanny into using leaf storm on the string shot, freeing Pikachu and allowing it to win using electro ball, because we have to justify replacing volt tackle with it somehow.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket calls up Giovanni's secretary, who tells that their next mission is up to them. Left unsure of what to do, Team Rocket gets into an argument about what the boss expects of them, and for the first time since Sinnoh, they actually act like Jessie, James, and Meowth, and… oh, they switch back into their white uniforms and pledge themselves to catch Pikachu again. Oh. Okay. I kind of liked the competent, dangerous Team Rocket, and I was hoping they’d remain competent while still having their old personalities, but I… guess not. That’s kind of disappointing, I’ve gotta say.

A wild Yamask wanders by, and Jessie decides to catch it. James, however, simply offers it some food, and then offers to let it join the team. Wow, that was literally the easiest capture ever.

EMOLGA THE IRRESITIBLE!

"Emoemo!"
Score: 6.5/10

A few wild Patrat find some apples, and a wild Emolga uses attract to make them give it all of their food. When they realize what happened, they get angry and exit the episode, reasoning that if they’re not on screen, heartbreaker Emolga probably won’t appear.

Later, the heroes are eating lunch with Bianca in the middle of a field. Where did they get a table and chairs? I do not know. Iris picks some apples for dessert, but Bianca protests because that’s not really a dessert. I can only point out that you’re not supposed to have dessert for lunch, if you want to be that way.

Axew has its apple stolen by Emolga, but when it sees Iris holding an entire platter of them, it creates a cunning plan: give Axew back its apple, and Iris will reward its generosity with all of the others. It does so, playing up its cuteness, and its plan actually works - Iris is about to give it all of her apples when Bianca suddenly appears and declares that she wants to own it because it’s so cute. I would like one major female character who at no point catches a pokemon because it’s cute. I think the only who matches that description is Zoey. By the way, Oshawott falls instantly in love with Emolga.

Bianca sends out Minccino to attack, but when it tries to use attract, but Emolga counters with its own attract. Minccino is saved by Oshawott, who wants to be hit by attract - haha, okay, this is actually funny. Regardless, Emolga finally decides that it's had enough of these weirdos and just leaves, so everyone follows.

Bianca and Iris both desperately want to find Emolga (the latter because Axew wants to give it an apple as a thank you and because it develops a crush), but it's Iris who finds it first. When Emolga learns about Axew’s crush, it thinks about this for a second, realizing that if it pretends to like Axew, Iris, who's already displayed that she's good at picking apples, will provide it will more apples. That’s not thinking very far ahead, Emolga. Sure, Axew is cute now, but imagine when it inevitably turns into a Haxorus and becomes ten times your size and twenty times your weight. Will the apples be worth it then?!

Unfortunately, Bianca appears again and sends out Minccino. Emolga's volt switch allows it to win and escape, however, and Iris and Axew go after it. It is at this point that I realized the episode could only end with Iris catching Emolga, and that the writers wanted to show off all of Emolga’s known moves in its debut episode.

Iris, Axew, and Emolga end up trapped in a dark, scary part of the forest surrounded by Swoobat. I’ll skip the padding here and tell you the ending: Pikachu and the heroes rescue them and Bianca acts like a dumbass.

That evening, as the heroes set down for dinner, Emolga appears and asks to join Iris because, I don’t know, of their bonding, I guess. It allows itself to be captured, which breaks Bianca's heart.

I’ve got to tell you, Bianca is what makes this episode. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW24.jpg http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW24-1.jpg http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW24-2.jpg http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW24-3.jpg She’s still annoying, but the fact that she keeps getting punished for her stupidity somewhat makes up for it, to a point where she actually becomes entertaining.

EMOLGA AND THE NEW VOLT SWITCH!

"Wow, a battle between electric-types! A spicy pairing like that could turn out to be electrifying!"
Score: 5/10

Bianca, who is still traveling with the heroes for some reason, challenges Iris to a battle.

Emolga versus Pignite. I dislike how attract is portrayed as the be all and end all of attacks, and after one use of it, Bianca has to recall her pokemon. She sends out Minccino, and their attracts cancel each other out (because that’s how it works). Against Iris' orders, Emolga uses volt switch (so all of one of Iris' pokemon will obey her), causing Excadrill to come out. Emolga's volt switch is "a little different," and doesn't cause it to recall to its pokeball, instead just causing another pokemon to come out. Huh. Well, I’m glad the details of this are explained, right? Iris tries to chew Emolga out for disobeying orders, but it just gives her puppy dog eyes and she stops.

Iris sends Emolga back in to battle, but it just uses volt switch again, somehow sending out Cilan's pokemon. Pansage gets angry when it's hit by accident and knocks out Minccino, and Cilan declares Pansage the winner. Ha, what a dick. Emolga continues to act ultra-cute, but now even Iris doesn’t fall for it, and she declares that Emolga must battle. Bianca sends out Pignite again, but Emolga just volt switches Snivy into the battle and then disappears. Only Iris is concerned by her pokemon disappearing, so Bianca and Ash just start battling. Ha, everyone is dicks.

Iris finds Emolga lazing off by itself in a tree, so Snivy (like three hundred feet away) just uses vine whip to grab it. Iris insists Emolga battle, so it just shocks all everyone... except Snivy, who sees it coming and jumps out of the way. Nice.

They stop for lunch, and Emolga uses attract to get the food of all of the other pokemon. Somehow, this causes them to think the others all stole the food and attack each other. I do enjoy Snivy just staying out of it, though. The humans figure out that someone stole their food, and they honestly can't figure it out. It's Snivy who points it out to them, but Iris defends Emolga, saying it wouldn't. Somehow, the other humans are convinced by Iris' complete lack of evidence, but this sparks angry eyes between Snivy and Emolga. Uh oh.

The heroes stop for a nap, but Emolga, who's still awake, runs off to find some food. Snivy, Oshawott, and Axew follow. Emolga tricks Oshawott and Axew into thinks some wild Watchog attacked it and stole an apple it found, so Oshawott takes some of the apples of the Watchog, causing them to attack in retaliation. They accidentally anger a wild Simisear, so they run off and leave the Simisear to attack the heroes’ pokemon. Simisear kicks Oshawott's ass and knocks it unconscious, and Emolga decides the most logical thing to do is throw an apple at it and just leave Simisear to murder Axew. Fortunately, Snivy appears to help, and the heroes arrive soon after.

Simisear begins beating up Snivy, and Iris yells for Emolga to help. Emolga finally decides to man up and help, and they bravely defeat Simisear in a two-on-one battle. Yeah, you go girl(s)! When Simisear is almost crushed by a rock it dislodges from a nearby cliff, they rescue it, and it finally just gives up and walks away, hoping to find fewer evil Emolga in its future (little does it know that all Pikachu clones are evil).

Emolga offers an apple to Snivy as a peace offering, which it accepts, Bianca runs off to Castelia City to challenge Burgh (I guess she was traveling away from it this entire time?), and the episode ends.

Pretty much the saving grace of this episode is Snivy, who is consistently competent and pretty darn cool.

SCARE AT THE LITWICK MANSION!

"A dark and rainy sky casts an eerie pall over the surroundings..."
Score: 9/10

The heroes are walking along when a thunderstorm brews in literally three seconds. They see a mansion on a cliff, and because they have never seen a horror movie in their entire lives, when the front doors open on their own and no one answers their calls of "Is anyone in here?", they enter.

Elsewhere in the mansion, watching the heroes via cameras, Team Rocket laments that the heroes have accidentally found their new super-secret hideout. Team Rocket has earned the trust of four Litwick that live here. By the way, "Catch Pikachu and chase away the twerps" translates to "Ya ya yamask."

The heroes decide to spend their time in the entry room, but the Litwick start moving furniture, opening windows, and so on. When the heroes try to escape, the Litwick lock the doors. Team Rocket is confused as to why the Litwick didn't do as they were asked and chase away the heroes, but the Litwick continue to throw sharp objects at the heroes and move around clothing as if people were in them to freak them out.

Eventually, Pikachu catches the Litwick, and the heroes manage to catch one as the others escape. Ash tries to scan them with the pokedex, but it breaks down. Rather than take this as a sign that something is wrong, he shrugs and moves on. They ask if Litwick's trainer owns the place, but since they can't understand its response (even Pikachu, I guess?), they just take it with them, and they happen to run into Meowth.

Meowth runs off, and Team Rocket realizes that they all look exhausted and haven’t slept for days. James notices that the Litwicks' flames are larger than they were before, and we learn that the Litwick are misleading both the heroes and Team Rocket. Meanwhile, the Litwick kidnap Axew and Pikachu. Ash uses his pokedex again, which informs him that Litwick feed off your life energy and trick you into going into the ghost world.

Team Rocket calls up Doctor Monocle for help, and he tells them that Litwick feed off of life energy. Before he can say more, the Litwick stop Team Rocket’s skype call from working, but even Jessie and James can tell what's going on now. Before more can happen, the Litwick steal Meowth as well.

Jessie and James start searching for Meowth, and we get scenes that are literally taken straight out of The Shining. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW26.jpg The heroes find their kidnapped pokemon (and Meowth), but Jessie and James appear, and with Meowth, do their motto, barely forcing it out through their exhaustion. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW26-1.jpg

When Team Rocket says that everyone just needs to escape, the Litwick all reappear, led by a Lampent. They create a portal to the ghost world, and we're pretty explicitly told here that if you go in, you're ****ing going to actual Hell. The Litwick try to force the pokemon into it, and when that fails, the walls crumble, revealing a ghostly ether all around the heroes. Cilan decides that they need to fight the Litwick (probably because no problems on this show are solved by anything other than fighting or friendship, and the latter seems unlikely to work here), so everyone (except Iris) sends out a pokemon to fight. However, the Litwick are just too powerful, and almost knock Jessie and Cilan into the ghost world. Ash and James, however, rescue the other on the other team, and both groups agrees to help each other. Working together, they’re able to fight the ghost pokemon-- Yeah, Dwebble! Use X-Scissor on pokemon with a quadruple resistance! Go, Iris! You stand there and look scared! You are a model of valiance, girl!

They knock the pokemon back into the ghost world, which somehow instantly cures Team Rocket's exhaustion and thunderstorm is gone now or something, I don’t know. The mansion reveals itself to be nearly destroyed and falling apart, the Litwick having used vaguely defined illusion powers to make it appear almost new, and Team Rocket escapes in jet packs because there's not enough time left in the episode to fight the heroes and blast off. Rain brews again, and even though the mansion is now empty, the heroes decide to just seek shelter elsewhere.

Yeah, this episode would be 8/10 just for Jessie's face alone. This is easily the best filler episode since Evil Togepi, and it very well might be better. **** anyone who uses that quote of pokemon not being evil, these Litwick literally try steal peoples’ life energy and send them into Hell when they’re no longer useful. ****, that is as evil as you can get without involving an orphanage or Germany.

THE DRAGON MASTER'S PATH!

"Glorp.”
Score: 5.5/10

Scraggy and Axew, as the official weakest pokemon the heroes have, are sparring again. As with every single sparring battle they have, it ends with Axew misusing dragon rage. Jesus, you would think Iris would by this point just stop doing that. Well, whatever. A Druddigon appears and attacks because it feels it should have been dragon/rock, and dammit, someone needs to pay for this. Pikachu stops it, and Iris falls in love with it because she loves all dragon pokemon. Hey, my demand earlier (for a major female character to like a pokemon that’s not cute) was finally answered!

Druddigon's owner, a woman named Emmy appears, and Druddigon runs off into a forest, Emmy following behind, and behind her, the heroes. We also see that Druddigon's got a piece of rope around its ankle. Bizarrely, the heroes unite with Emmy off screen and agree to work together, so in the next scene, it's like... there they all are.

They find Druddigon in a cave, who wants them to go away. Cilan says that it's angry and dangerous, so Iris ignores him and goes right up to the angry-as-**** dragon and removes the rope around its ankle, which was causing it pain because it "was wrapped around its ankle and cutting into its skin." Seriously? This is a pokemon with the ability Rough ****ing Skin, I don’t think something you can buy at Home Depot is going to hurt it.

Well, Emmy thanks them for the help, and asks how Iris tracked Druddigon down off screen. She explains that Druddigon can't move very far when their body temperature drops, so she knew it had to find a cave where the sun could shine into. HINT: THIS IS TO DISPLAY THAT SHE IS KNOWLEDGABLE REGARDING DRAGONS. Iris tells the heroes that she wants to become a Dragon Master, apparently forgetting about her earlier refusal to tell them her dream, and Emmy asks to be taught more about Druddigon, as this is her first dragon type, and she's not comfortable enough to even go on a journey. Iris challenges her to a battle, and Emmy agrees to battle... Ash.

Druddigon versus Tepig. Iris coaches Emmy on how to battle, apparently really good at commanding a pokemon she's never used before, even though she can barely command any of her own pokemon. Druddigon even wins! Let’s give Iris Mewtwo and see what happens.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket watches over the heroes in a giant robo-plane or something, I don't know, annoyed that the heroes freed Druddigon from their deadly, deadly rope. They attack and steal Pikachu, Axew, and Druddigon, but Druddigon is able to free Pikachu before it and Axew get trapped in a cage. I do love how Iris jumps up to Team Rocket's robot, then falls literally like a hundred feet and is completely fine except for like a small grunt.

The heroes follow Team Rocket's robot as it escapes. Fortunately, Axew is able to use dragon rage to force the robot to the ground, and the two escape, but are still too far for the heroes to see where they landed. Iris pauses the heroes, and psychically senses where Axew and Druddigon are. That’s not a joke. Iris is apparently in possession of psychic location powers.

Yamask and Woobat are about to defeat Druddigon and Axew because Team Rocket still has some lingering traces of competency this episode, but the heroes appear and attack. During the battle, Druddigon learns draco meteor somehow, but this only makes Team Rocket want to catch it more. Iris tells Axew to use dragon rage, which by the way looks more powerful than draco meteor, and it finally gets it right-- blasting Team Rocket o-- Oh, huh. Team Rocket escapes at the last second with their jetpacks. This is interesting. I hope they continue to not blast off in the future.

Iris is extremely pleased at Axew finally learning dragon rage. All of the Abra in the Little Cup are screwed now, and the episode ends.

OSHAWOTT’S LOST SCALCHOP!

"My beautiful serving dome!"
Score: 6/10

The heroes meet a guy named Stephan, who challenges Ash to a battle and throws out a Blitzle. Ash sends out Pikachu, but Oshawott wants to battle. Then the opening credits happen, then the narrator tells us what happened one minute before. Thanks, bro.

Oshawott's scalchop can deflect electric attacks, and it performs admirably against Blitzle, but when it tries to attack Blitzle with its scalchop, Blitzle accidentally kicks the item miles away into a nearby forest. Stephan agrees to wait for tomorrow, and Oshawott and Ash run into the forest to search. Ash, Oshawott, and Pikachu look through the forest, Ash not sending out his other pokemon to help because he’s kind of a dumbass.

The heroes just kind of give up searching for the scalchop, and when Iris and Cilan finally decide to help, guess Iris' brilliant plan? Replace Oshawott's scalchop with a berry. When it fails, Iris laments that it "seemed like a good idea at the time," but honestly, it didn't. Not really. Eventually, Cilan has Dwebble carve a new shield out of rock to protect itself, but it’s larger than Oshawott and like twelve hundred pounds. Still, Ash insists they learn to use the rock shield. We then literally get a training montage or Oshawott getting used to its new scalchop.

The next day, the heroes go looking for Stephan for their battle, and find him using an electrical generator for enhancing Blitzle. Don’t worry. This isn’t important. It’s just padding.

Blitzle's attacks are now extremely powerful, and Oshawott's rock shield is destroyed in less than a minute. Ash decides that the best defense is a strong offense, so he has Oshawott just run up and punch Blitzle in the face, also known as the Superman Defense. Deciding he has nothing left to lose, Ash just has Oshawott use aqua jet - but its aim is still poor. For some reason, Blitzle runs alongside it in a flame charge, and they collide with a boulder, knocking Blitzle out but leaving Oshawott up. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW28.jpg

As the episode ends, Axew finds Oshawott’s scalchop. How did it do this? Why was it still searching for it? The answers to these questions will not be found in this episode.

COTTONEE IN LOVE!

"When I think about love and romance, then I eat!"
Score: 4.5/10

Honestly, I could give you a real review of this episode, or I could post pictures of Iris eating things. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW29.jpg http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW29-1.jpg http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW29-2.jpg http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW29-3.jpg

Which do you think is the best option? Also: green apples suck, red apples are the master race. I’ve never had an orange apple, though.

A UFO FOR ELGYEM!

"It can only be science time!"
Score: 4/10

In this episode, Tranquill is hit by a shadow ball.

ASH AND TRIP'S THIRD BATTLE!

"Lunchtime - or more like Standing Up The Chef Time!"
Score: 6/10

Ash and Iris are screwing around while Cilan makes lunch, when they run into Trip. Trip is using a Vanillite to catch a Palpitoad, but Ash's interference accidentally costs Trip the pokemon - and we also learn that Iris is afraid of ice pokemon, apparently even of the suckiest ones. Be afraid of Weavile, I’ll understand that. But Vanillite is literally a glorified ice cream cone. Ash asks what her deal is, and while explaining that dragon-types are weak to ice, she mentions the Village of Dragons, which impresses Trip.

Assuming that the would-be Dragon Master Iris owns many more pokemon than just Axew, Trip challenges her to a battle. She refuses because she's not in "top form today," obviously not wanting to rely on Excadrill or Emolga, so Ash asks for a battle. Trip refuses, but when Iris calls him a little kid, he accepts. Yeah, show her how mature you are by being taken in by extremely mild insults. Three-on-three battle time, best two out of three.

Trip's Servine versus Ash's Snivy. After a lot of insulting each other, they finally start battling. Servine has "been leveling up" and can now "block status moves," and with the mighty power of cut, defeats Snivy handily.

Trip and Iris mention Alder, the champion of Unova. Ash has never heard of him, however, but Trip’s actually met him. Trip has a flashback to when he met Alder as a kid, narrating to himself because apparently people do that. As a kid, he told Alder that he wanted to defeat him, to which Alder basically said “grow up and try it, lol.”

Trip sends out Timburr, so Ash counters with Oshawott. Oshawott's aqua jet is still inaccurate, but Trip takes a picture of it while it's aqua jetting around - Oshawott keeps closing its eyes while using aqua jet, so that's why it keeps missing. Even Ash seems kind of annoyed at Oshawott about this, but they continue, and Oshawott actually defeats Timburr pretty easily.

Ash sends out Tepig, and Trip Vanillite. Trip then says he's been inspired by Ash's off-the-wall battle style and wants to try it out - after exchanging some hits, both pokemon are exhausted and collapse at the same time, and Trip decides Ash's battle style doesn't work for him. Trip agrees that this was a draw, and walks off. Yep. It was indeed a draw.

Although my write-up of this episode is pretty bland, it actually is a decent episode. I still don’t like Trip, but he at least has a real backstory and motive now. Granted, it’s “I wanna be the very best like no one ever was,” which we’ve rather seen before in the past, and it doesn’t explain why he’s such a dick, but it’s something, which I can appreciate. If there is a problem, it’s that there’s not really a lot left to the imagination with Trip’s battles against Ash. We know how they battle, we know their relative strengths, we know how they interact with each other during battle. Ash has battled Trip three times in like thirty episodes - for comparison, he battled Gary twice and Paul four times over the course of five and four seasons. There’s just nothing left to the imagination with Trip, and to add to that, he doesn’t even come off as that great of a trainer like Paul did, he just comes off as another trainer who’s kind of a dick.

FACING FEAR WITH EYES WIDE OPEN!

"Derp."
Score: 4/10

The heroes stop at a lake, and Ash, remembering that Oshawott has trouble opening its eyes while underwater, decides to work on the problem. This means that when the other pokemon are attacked by wild Foongus (the deadliest of all pokemon), Oshwaott is the only pokemon not poisoned.

The only solution is to find a local weed that can be used to cure the poison, and it can only be found in the very small crevices between rocks at the bottom of the lake. Those crevices are too small for a human to enter, so Ash decides to keep his eyes open underwater and guide Oshawott by pulling on its ears… okay…

He and Oshawott start swimming, but another threat lurks: a Palpitoad and some Tympole see him and attack the two for no reason. Oshawott tries to fight back, but without opening its eyes, it's hopeless-- Ash encourages it, however, and finally, Oshawott forces open its eyes and-- the Tympole all swim away rather than fight it. Now that the weeds are unguarded, Ash and Oshawott leave immediately rather than get them.

Palpitoad tells a Stunfisk it’s friends with to attack Ash and Oshawott because they called it Derpfish behind its back, I guess, and Ash goes to Cilan for help. Cilan’s solution? Fish Derpfish up and swing it in the air to distract it while Ash battles Palpitoad.

Oshawott gets its ass kicked, so Ash decides Palpitoad is strong enough to be worth catching. Oshawott still has trouble opening its eyes underwater, but it gets over it and uses aqua jet correctly, and Palpitoad is defeated in one hit. Both Ash and Cilan catch their respective pokemon. Woo. Cilan owns a Derpfish now. Truly, the show is improved by this. By the way, I want to make this clear: Palpitoad and Derpfish are jackasses. I don’t mean they’re cool or anything, I mean that they’re straight-up mean-spirited jerks.

Almost as an afterthought, Ash tells Oshawott to get the weeds, and the pokemon are soon healed.

IRIS AND EXCADRILL AGAINST THE DRAGON BUSTER!

"Derp."
Score: 7/10

The heroes are walking when they meet Georgia, who introduces herself as a Dragon Buster - she specializes in defeating dragon pokemon. I assume her friend is a Ghostbuster HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Anyway, she especially specializes in fighting dragon pokemon from the Village of Dragons, all because she was once defeated at that village. Well, how can Iris refuse an awkwardly-inserted rival who was literally in the first frame of the episode and who has a silly motivation? Then we get the opening credits, and then the narrator tells us what happened thirty seconds ago. Thanks, bro. I hate how I forget basic plot points that quickly.

Georgia sends out a Beartic, and Iris counters with Axew. Axew tries its best, but gets its ass demolished. Upon learning Axew was her only dragon, Georgia is about to leave, but Iris offers to make her fight a much stronger non-dragon and taunts her into agreeing. She then sends out Excadrill. Her strategy? Even though Excadrill ignores her, if Beartic attacks, it'll probably get annoyed enough to fight anyway.

It works, but Excadrill completely ignores Iris' orders. It performs well, but still loses to a rock smash. Iris concedes, and Georgia leaves. Iris reveals that Excadrill's first loss was also to a rock smash, and ever since then, Excadrill has been moody and doesn't obey her commands.

Flashback time! Iris in the Village of Dragons. She played with the wild pokemon, but one was kicked out of its home by a Drilbur. Iris attacked it hand-to-hand, but got her ass kicked. She came back several times, each time getting her ass kicked. On her tenth try, she defeated Drilbur by accidentally kicking so that it fell off a cliff, but managed to rescue it, and the two became friends. They battled and became strong, and then the village had a tournament, which Drilbur won and evolved during. Then Drayden appeared, and somehow Iris does not yet know who Drayden is.

Drayden was impressed by Iris learning all of her skills on her own, and she challenged him to a battle for her one hundredth win. Drayden sent out Haxorus, and though Excadrill did its best, Haxorus was just ridiculously out of its league. Drilbur started questioning if it could win, and Iris told it could, only for it to be defeated with ease. After the battle, it clammed up and refused to listen to her anymore. Iris thinks it just can't handle losing, but Cilan says maybe Excadrill has a problem with Iris' strategy - she did, after all, command it during the battle it lost.

That night, Iris sleeps with Excadrill under the stars. She realizes (through the power of monologue) that Excadrill had realized how powerful Haxorus was as soon as the battle began, but Iris completely failed to understand. Iris gives Excadrill a heartfelt speech, and you can tell it's listening because its eyes start watering, which in anime pretty much means the ultimate heartfelt connection has been achieved. Iris mentions that its lack of long range attacks might be a problem, so it gets up and decides to practice focus blast, because a move suited for Alakazam is definitely something Excadrill needs to know. After hours of training, it succeeds.

In the morning, Georgia shows up and steals their breakfast (what a *****), and Iris challenges Beartic to a rematch. Using its new focus blast, Excadrill easily defeats Beartic-- oh wait no it gets hit by ice beam. Iris screams “Excadriiiiiiiiiiiiiill” in a needlessly dramatic way, giving it the strength to continue, and it ties with Beartic. Georgia doesn't care about losing to a non-dragon and leaves, telling Cilan that she'll steal their next breakfast, too.

Okay, so… Solid episode, actually. Georgia annoys me with her silly motivation and newsboy cap (dammit, those are for college girls, you’re like ten years old), but she’s still better than Burgundy, so whatever. I do enjoy how Iris is such a crappy dragon trainer that she needs to use anything except a dragon to overcome her challenges, though. Has Axew ever won a battle except against Scraggy?

GOTTA CATCH A ROGGENROLA!

"Oy vey! It's the twerp!"
Score: 5/10

The heroes are eating lunch when a wild Roggenrola appears and destroys their food in an attempt to get their attention - I've already made a joke about episodes starting with pokemon eating or destroying their food, so whatever. Roggenrola is freaking out and trying to tell them something, so Ash decides to catch it because it's clearly not trying to tell them about something important. Unfortunately for Ash, Roggenrola defeats Oshawott because I guess the writers want Tepig to be Ash’s stronger pokemon after Pikachu, so Ash throws out Tepig. Hilariously, though, Roggenrola kicks Tepig's ass. When Tepig falls unconscious, the heroes are all extremely concerned it's hurt and run to a pokemon center, as opposed to when Oshawott fell unconscious and they were like “Oh, Roggenrola is pretty strong.” Roggenrola keeps trying to tell them something, but they just ignore it and it sadly runs off.

At the pokemon center, Nurse Joy heals their pokemon and tells them that there's no running water. The plumber (who, by the way, will be in almost every shot for the rest of the episode as he travels with the heroes, but will do absolutely nothing) tells her that nothing is wrong with the pipes, so something must be wrong with "the cave." Yes, you see, this pokemon center pipes its water in from a cave instead of, you know… wherever regular buildings get water from, I guess. I don’t really know. The heroes mention the Roggenrola they met, so Nurse Joy, knowing that Roggenrola rarely leave their cave, decides something must be wrong in there. The plumber decides to go to the cave, and since small children are the best back-up ever, the heroes go with him.

Cut to the cave: Team Rocket is stealing the wild Roggenrola. Why? Doctor Monocle has designed a cannon that forces Roggenrola placed in it to fire a powerful beam. This is much more practical than a gun. The heroes reach the cave, where they see the wild Roggenrola. It leads them into the cave, and the plumber sees why the water source is cut off - someone collapsed some boulders onto it. By the way, we never learn why Team Rocket bothered damming up the water source.

Team Rocket appears and reveals their Roggenrola device (by the way, Jessie and James switch their positions between shots). They escape the cave, then use their weapon to collapse the cave entrance. By the way, Ash saves the main Roggenrola, thus impressing it because dammit, Ash is the hero and if you didn’t learn that in the previous seven hundred episodes well then here is a reminder. Fortunately, now that Excadrill is listening to Iris, it and Pansage dig the heroes out with no particular difficulty.

Despite Team Rocket escaping into a nearby abandoned warehouse (in the middle of the woods), Roggenrola can hear where its friends are. The heroes attack, but to literally only their surprise, Team Rocket just uses the cannon again. The main Roggenrola uses flash cannon to counter the beam (because I guess Doctor Monocle’s cannon is as effective as one wild Roggenrola), and Ash takes advantage of the opportunity to tell the Roggenrola to not go along with it. Well, apparently this is all it takes, and they reverse the energy of their cores or something, I don't know, and destroy the cannon. Literally all it took was telling them not to do it. That is just… I don’t know.

The heroes take all of the Roggenrola to Nurse Joy, and we even get the plumber telling us that he wrote a report to his superiors telling them to fix the water supply problem. Wow, good thing we got closure on the water supply subplot.

Roggenrola challenges Ash to a battle, so Ash chooses the worst possible option: Tepig. Tepig wins and Ash catches a new pokemon to never use. Have fun with Pidove and Swadloon, broseph!

WHERE DID YOU GO, AUDINO!

"Ecks dee."
Score: 3/10

The heroes are lost in fog when they see an Audino. Its eyes are half-open and it barely notices them as it wanders into the fog away from them. Immediately after, the fog clears up (by the way, if you think this fog is a plot point, it’s not, it’s never mentioned again), and Officer Jenny and two children named Christy and Doyle appear to arrest them. By the way, I like how Jenny has a police car in the middle of a forest. She lets them go after Cilan tells her he's a gym leader. Officer Jenny tells them that several Audino from a nearby town have disappeared - and when they saw the heroes talking with the dazed pokemon, they assumed they had something to do with it. Wow, what good detective work there, Jenny. I can tell you’re really on top of things.

Doyle's grandfather's Audino has disappeared, and Christy's Audino friend is also gone. Doyle and Christy are huge rivals in the "find the Audino" case - Doyle believes his Solosis and Christy believes her Gothita will be the deciding factor. Just then, Jenny gets a call that the pokemon center's Audino disappeared, because apparently no one thought to post a guard on it. At the pokemon center, Nurse Joy tells Jenny that her Audino is gone. How useful a scene.

The heroes ask to help, and when Jenny agrees that small children are useful in crime investigations, Cilan puts on a deerstalker hat and pulls out a magnifying glass. He will wear the hat for the rest of the episode. I love how Jenny actually tells Cilan all of the facts as if he's a huge help here. Including Nurse Joy's Audino, four pokemon have disappeared. Jenny knows of three more Audino in town, so she wants to split up and guard them all using untrained children instead of other cops. Ash and Doyle go to one Audino, Christy and Iris go to another, and Jenny and Cilan guard the last. Jenny also gives everyone a tracking device to put on the pokemon and a "messaging device" to stay in contact. By the way, the messaging devices will literally never be used.

Soon, all three Audino walk away and meet up, resulting in the heroes all being together again, meaning the past three minutes were completely pointless. Everyone follows the Audino, but the tracking devices suddenly fail. Afraid of losing the Audino even though they are literally twenty feet behind them, Jenny has two of the Audino restrained, but the third rounds a corner into an alley, and they find the tracking device on the ground. By the way, from what we learn later, the Audino losing the tracking device makes no sense.

Cilan decides that whoever is stealing the Audino is using sound waves that humans can't hear using logic so bizarre and shaky that even after having heard it I don’t remember it, so Ash sends out Roggenrola because it’s got good hearing and needs some screen time. The Audino start walking off again, so the heroes follow Roggenrola follow the Audino. The Audino go to a cliff outside town with a ladder up it, and the heroes follow by having Solosis lift them with psychic. The Audino try to stop the heroes again, but Christy's Gothia lifts them across a chasm.

Roggenrola leads the heroes to an abandoned wind farm - we learn that Team Rocket is responsible. They're using a machine that lures Audino and jams tracking devices, built by Doctor Monocle, to steal the Audino to study their ears to build advanced radar. You would think he could more easily buy an Audino legally rather than build a machine like this, but I guess maybe he had a spare one laying around and gave it to Jessie and James. Also: why would he need more than one Audino.

The heroes appear, and Jenny arrests Team Rocket by telling them that they're under arrest. Fortunately, Doyle's Solosis and Christy's Gothita fight Team Rocket's pokemon while Jenny does literally nothing. During the battle, Ash accidentally destroys the Audino capture machine, freeing the pokemon. Team Rocket straps on their jetpacks and escape, and in fairness, Jenny does try to stop them by running at them very slowly and telling them to stop. Christy and Doyle ask Jenny whose pokemon was most helpful, and she tells them Roggenrola.

Fillerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

ARCHEOPS IN THE MODERN WORLD!

"I guess science can be pretty awesome sometimes."
Score: 3.5/10

Professor Juniper and Fennel have received a plume fossil from Lenora, and they hope to restore it in Fennel’s lab, which is apparently so close to the heroes that Juniper had no problem with inviting them to watch. By the way, Fennel talks about how exciting this is, jumping around and dancing and acting nothing like how she acted in the previous episode with her, and is almost always blushing for some reason. I’m serious, she blushes when she types stuff in a computer.

She sends out her Musharna to go to sleep and its dream energy to power the machine. Despite having literally no assistants, Fennel’s process is successful, and out of her machine comes an Archen and three tiny seeds no one notices.

Archen spends some time freaking out and such while Fennel and Juniper talk excitedly about how much they’ll learn from it. Eventually it calms down, but it can’t eat any modern food, and every time it makes it cry, the seeds grow - but no one is in that room, and thus no one notices the seeds growing into large vines. By the way, seeds grow without sunshine, water, or dirt, didn’t you know?

Finally, the vines grow so large that they consume Fennel’s laboratory, and she is not freaked out by this at all. She’s surprised, but quickly comes to say “eh” and considers just letting Archen have the damn place as its new home. The vines sprout some fruit, and Archen eats them, causing it evolve for some reason even though it’s like two hours old.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket is trying to hack into Fennel's building, because James is a master computer hacker (?!). Doctor Monocle desperately wants the information in Fennel's computers about the pokemon restoration machine - even though it uses Muuna’s dream energy, he still has the dream energy Team Rocket stole in an earlier episode. James’ hacking is successful, so Jessie decides to try to steal Archeops as well, because why not?

Sadly, their attack only succeeds in accidentally setting Archeop’s vine on fire with shadow ball. Archeops is saddened by this, but as the sun sets, several wild Archeops appear to take it with them. Where did they come from? "Some hidden place... that has allowed them to survive all these millions of years." Yep, apparently there’s a place in Unova where, for millions of years, giant ancient birds have been chilling without human interaction. Juniper and Fennel are completely fine with Archeops leaving, even though they had hoped to study it.

At the end of the episode, we learn Doctor Monocle plans to do something with the data James stole. How foreshadowy.

A FISHING CONNOISSEUR IN A FISHY COMPETITION!

"Fishing! It's not as easy as you think! No it's nooooooot!"
Score: 5/10

The heroes are in an unnamed city when they run into Bianca, who, because Barry’s gimmick of running into people was so funny the first time, runs into Ash and knocks him into a river with a Frillish no one notices. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW34.jpg I very much like Ash’s response to her. Normally, Ash is always ready to forgive people and tell them it’s okay when they do whatever, but here he’s clearly annoyed with her but won’t actually say it. Anyway, Bianca tells the heroes about a fishing competition, so everyone decides to enter. Cilan is especially excited because he’s a master fisherman or something.

Unfortunately, the fishing competition is run by a disguised Team Rocket. Their plan? Let people fish up water pokemon (all of which are Basculin) and then steal them to use to conquer Unova. Yep. Team Rocket plans to conquer Unova with several dozen Basculin.

Good luck there, fellas.

The rules: catch yourself a water pokemon with a pokeball given out by Team Rocket. Apparently, Bianca has never before seen a pokeball in her life. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW34-2.jpg Team Rocket supplies everyone with rods, and Cilan selects a beginner rod for Bianca, but brought his own custom-made rod to use. That’s right, Cilan. Let your competition use the crummy mass-produced rods while you bring some unbeatable super rod to use, all while acting like a nice guy.

After some derpy Bianca moments in which she derps around, Cilan tells everyone about the world of professional fishing. I've got to tell you, I have been fishing. It is the most boring sport, and I’ve been to actual baseball games. I’ve been to cheerleading competitions (got dragged by my cheerleader sister). I’ve been golfing. I don’t give out “most boring sport” lightly, but fishing earned it. Anyway, Cilan catches a Basculin, but the rest of the heroes fail to catch anything at all. Bianca gets a huge bite, and Cilan helps her reel it in - it is the same Frillish from before, but it attacks Ash for literally no reason, so they’re forced to drive it away rather than catch it. Sorry, potential new pokemon! Trip already has you and you’re not marketable like the Snivy line, so there’s no room for multiples!

During the confusion of the Frillish fight, Team Rocket tries to escape with everyone's entries, but Frillish gets rid of their getaway boat (I guess it knew they were evil?). Team Rocket is caught and introduces itself, and after they explicitly say that they’re Team Rocket, Ash declares that they're Team Rocket. They try to escape with the pokeballs again, but Frillish steals the pokeballs and releases all of the Basculin. Thus, Team Rocket instead escapes with their jetpacks (instead of just using them to begin with?) while Bianca declares that with jetpacks and a name like “Team Rocket,” they must be rocket scientists. Bianca leaves to go get more gym badges, and the narrator claims the heroes protected the water pokemon when in fact they did literally nothing and Frillish was the hero of the episode.

ZORUA THE MOVIE! ZORUA IN "THE LEGEND OF THE POKEMON KNIGHT!!!"

"Derp"
Score: 8/10

The heroes are in some town (maybe Nimbasa City? I can’t tell) and learn that the next Pokemon Knights movie is being filmed here. What's Pokemon Knights? Some kind of shonen thing, I guess. Cilan waxes on and on and about how much of an expert he is on film, to a point where I begin to wonder if there is anything this man is not an expert on.

As they wander through the town, they meet the lead actress! Who turns out to be a Zorua impersonating her, and Ash scans it because I guess he’s never seen a Zorua before. By the way, Zorua reveals its identity immediately after the heroes see it, so I really have to wonder how these things earned the title “master of illusions.” Shortly thereafter, Zorua’s owner, a kid named Luke, shows up with his inexplicably shiny Golett. Luke tries to grab Zorua, but it just escapes.

Luke explains that he’s an aspiring director and Zorua is his lead actress - by the way, it’s a girl Zorua, this is important. He explains that he was shooting a scene and instructed Zorua to turn into a pirate and a knight, but it got angry, turned back into a princess, and ran off.

As they search for Zorua, Luke explains how he met it: he was working as a projectionist (after all, he's ten years old) when he noticed that actresses in the movies kept appearing in the theater. Eventually he confronted one of them, and found it was a Zorua, which instantly agreed to star in his movies because it’s not like Zorua wouldn’t be the most sought after pokemon ever by professional directors for moviemaking purposes.

They find Zorua at the theater, and because “figuring out the obvious” is Cilan’s gimmick, he realizes that Zorua only wants to play the role of the princess because it's a girl, and dislikes crossdressing, I guess. I don’t know. Since the movie needs more than one actor, the heroes agree to help, and Cilan tells everyone that "a friend in need is a friend indeed." That's... like the least appropriate phrase ever for this situation. The heroes help Luke make costumes and a plot, which you would assume would take hours, but apparently not and they get done building a massive fake ship that’s like three stories tall in an afternoon.

The plot? One day, a pirate (Cilan) kidnaps a princess (played by Zorua, but voiced by Iris) because only she knows how to find the kingdom's treasure. A knight (Ash) overcomes obstacles to find the Dragon Master (Iris) and rescues the princess. This… honestly does sound like every movie I’ve seen in my entire life, I will admit.

We get a lot of filming in the middle of the episode, and these scenes are actually pretty good. The first few scenes are perfect, and they come to the final battle. The scene goes perfectly and Ash defeats Cilan, but Team Rocket appears in a hovercraft and kidnaps Zorua. I love how Team Rocket is completely surprised when their hovercraft is destroyed by a shadow ball. They have absolutely no precautions for if someone attacks them as they commit blatantly illegal actions.

Cilan decides this is perfect for ad libbing, and throws off his pirate costume, saying that Team Rocket mind controlled him into being a villain. Iris and Cilan (but oddly enough, not Ash) combine their powers to fight Team Rocket in a scene that makes it clear that Jessie and James had absolutely no chance of success and thus, from a movie’s perspective, nothing is actually at stake. Team Rocket escapes, but during the battle, it’s revealed that the princess is a Zorua, so, knowing that the "Zorua is the princess" bit is ruined, it's “revealed” that Iris is the princess, and she disguised Zorua as herself. Um… not to be weird about things, but, uh… Iris looks like this, http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW38-2.jpg And Zorua’s character looks like this. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW38-1.jpg

Well, whatever, we see that Luke's movie was a huge success, and the theater owner mentions a battle tournament in Nimbasa City that would be good to enter for Luke so he can learn more about shooting battle scenes - this is a convenient excuse for a filler arc, I guess, so the heroes all decide to enter as well.

Honestly, this is a pretty good episode. Nothing more to say about it.

REUINION BATTLES IN NIMBASA!

"Battling Ash will be like drinking a flat glass of seltzer water."
Score: 6.5/10

The heroes reach Nimbasa Town, which is not Nimbasa City but instead a town a few miles away. It’s most famous for its giant Ferris wheel, because apparently that’s a thing you’re allowed to be proud of. Also here are Luke, Bianca, Stephan (remember him?), Burgundy, Georgia, and Trip, and they’re all entering the tournament. It’s nice how Burgundy has gotten even more annoying by speaking every fourth word in French for absolutely no reason. For whatever it’s worth, I kind of do like Georgia in this episode more, but I admit it is for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Luke starts filming himself introduce the battle tournament, apparently having turned into a journalist instead of a director, which is... not the same thing. Bianca starts staring directly into the camera because she’s apparently never seen one before, and then tries to trade her Pignite for Luke's Zorua. Wow, seriously? That’s your first pokemon it and ****ing loves you, you evil girl.

The heroes go to Don George to register for the tournament, and somehow Iris and Cilan are still amused by the Don Georges all looking identical. The announcer for the battle tournament is Freddy, a guy who looks like the dad of your best friend from middle school. The prize will be a rare set of wings that improve your pokemon or something, it's not really made clear. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/Episode39.jpg

Each competitor registers three pokemon to choose from, but the actual battles are one-on-one. We learn the upcoming battles for round one: Georgia versus Blue-Haired Guy, Burgundy versus Ash, Trip versus Cilan, Stephan versus Bianca, Luke versus Random Guy, and Iris versus Jimmy Ray. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/Episode39-1.jpg I do appreciate that the tournament actually does show us battles between the unimportant trainers, but it is admittedly kind of boring because we don't care when Nameless Guy 1’s Venipede loses to Nameless Guy 2’s Tranquill. The only one of note is Dino, and only because he's dressed like an extra from Road Warrior. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW39-2-1.jpg

Georgia's Beartic versus Sylvester's Joltic. Joltic is just too quick to hit, but Beartic accidentally crushes it when it falls on its back, giving Georgia an easy victory. That’s… pretty damn lame.

Burgundy versus Ash. Cilan reminds Ash that she owns a Dewott and a Sawsbuck, no doubt trying to give him an unfair advantage by helping only one side of the battle he’s supposed to be neutral in, but it doesn’t matter anyway because she sends out a Stoutland. Ash’s choice? Palpitoad, who by the way acts nothing at all like it did in its debut episode. What’s weird is that every single person at the tournament acts like Ash’s choice is the most bizarre thing ever, like why would you ever choose a pokemon that’s neutral to something.

Burgundy uses thunder fang, and then when it does nothing, she reveals that this is part of her plan: now that Stoutland's teeth are around Palpitoad, it can use ice fang and freeze it. Even though she could have just used ice fang to begin with. A supersonic breaks the ice, and a mud shot/hydro pump combo finishes Stoutland off while Burgundy shouts things in French over the unnecessarily heroic music playing in the background. Everyone (except Trip and Burgundy) is extremely excited for Ash’s victory for some reason. Particularly strange is Bianca’s screaming for Ash, as if she had any stake in this whatsoever.

Next up: Trip versus Cilan and a To Be Continued.

Honestly, this is a pretty decent episode, but Burgundy is so damn annoying.

CILAN VERSUS TRIP, ASH VERSUS GEORGIA!

"I have almost given up finding good quotes for these things."
Score: 6/10

Trip versus Cilan. Trip talks about how he beat Chili, but Iris can't imagine Cilan losing a battle. Even though Cilan lost a battle in his first episode. Dwebble versus Gurdurr. Gurdurr gets the advantage early on and nearly cracks Dwebble's rock, so Cilan decides this is the most appropriate possible time for evaluating, and he tells Trip all about how awesome Gurdurr is, but informs him that it is sadly not as awesome as Dwebble. To prove this, Cilan has Dwebble teleport boulders from nowhere. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW40.jpg Gurdurr is unable to handle breaking the laws of physics, and Trip loses handily.

There's also a subplot where Bianca thinks Zorua is lost and keeps getting tricked by it turning into Georgia. LULZ SO FUNNY.

Bianca versus Stephan. He's confident in his abilities, which angers Bianca. But neither of these characters are protagonists, so we just skip directly to the end of the battle between Zebstrika and Minccino, which Zebstrika wins easily. Well, Bianca, I don’t know what to tell you. That's what you get when you select your pokemon based solely on how cute they are.

Luke defeats Other Guy, and Iris defeats Jimmy Ray, the guy dressed like a Patrat. Wow, Jimmy Ray was surprisingly pointless.

Round 2 will consist of Georgia, Cilan, Luke, Iris, Stephan, Ash, Dino the Extra from Road Warrior, and some girl (watch out for her, she obviously knows what she’s doing). There’s a day before the next round, so everyone goes to the pokemon center. Ash is somehow completely surprised by Trip leaving early since there’s no longer anything for him to do here. The heroes have dinner with Stephan, but Bianca shows up and keeps trying to impress Zorua because she desperately wants it for her own. Jesus, the girl just can’t take it when cute things don’t like her.

Round 2. Georgia versus Ash, Cilan versus Luke, Stephan versus Iris, Dino the Extra from Road Warrior versus some girl. Man, how exciting to have characters face off against people whom they have absolutely no connection to whatsoever.

Ash's Snivy versus Georgia's Pawniard. Oh, uh. Yeah, that's a pokemon that exists, alright. Pawniard starts off strong, tossing Snivy around, and two minutes later Ash eventually remembers Snivy knows attract. It doesn't work, and everyone is completely surprised to learn Pawniard is female. Literally everyone. Even Dino the road warrior extra gets a moment when he’s like “WHAT?!”

A completely lucky attack launches a rock onto Pawniard's head... knife... thing, weighing it down too much to move. This allows Snivy to strike at the helpless enemy, but Georgia tricks Snivy into breaking the rock, allowing Pawniard to move again. She orders a use of guillotine, and uh you would think that if she's going to use that attack, she'd start with it but okay. Snivy is knocked on its ass, and as Georgia orders another use of guillotine, the episode ends.

THE CLUB BATTLE HEARTS OF FURY: EMOLGA VERSUS SAWK!

"You think things will zig, but in the blink of an eye, they zag!"
Score: 5/10

Snivy gets up and uses leaf blade, knocking Pawniard back. It gets its knife-claws stuck in the ground, and-- that's the second time in one battle. This is the most impractical thing in existence. Well, even someone as idiotic as Ash can take advantage of getting stuck and immobile twice, and Snivy defeats Pawniard while it's helpless again. Georgia blames her loss on the field rather on having a crappy pokemon, and you know she's mean because she doesn't tell her losing pokemon that it did a good job.

OH MY GOD

I apologize, folks. "Some girl" was actually a really, really effeminate guy named Antonio. Dino the Road Warrior Extra defeats him. Also, we get some more Bianca derping around, and Zorua turning into Georgia so Iris can compliment herself on film. This is what we call “padding.”

Luke versus Cilan, and Luke asks Ash to keep the camera rolling for him. Ash is completely flabbergasted that someone would ask him for this favor. I, too, would be surprised if someone trusted Ash with an expensive piece of electronic equipment.

Luke is unsure of himself, but Cilan gives him a pep talk about how to put aside your uncertainties and play to your best. Freddy and Don George talk about how that's unwise, and I expect Cilan is going to lose now. Cilan's Derpfish versus Luke's Larvesta. Man, this guy has a shiny Golett, a Zorua, and a Larvesta? Where is he getting these rare pokemon from?

Derpfish starts with scald, and then we have more Bianca derping with Zorua. Cilan continues to give Luke advice, and so good is his advice that Luke actually gets better during the battle and stealing Cilan's ideas to have Larvesta jump into the air. A single flamethrower defeats Derpfish, taking everyone off guard. Well, uh, that’s kind of what you get when you assist your enemy in defeating you.

Next up is Iris versus Stephan. Emolga versus Sawk. Sawk punches Emolga’s attract away, which uh I guess is the strategy elementary school boys use against girls AM I RITE LOL http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW41.jpg Emolga's lack of knowledge of flying-type moves is a problem, and Sawk begins kicking its ass - but its static ability paralyzes Sawk, which does not apparently matter because Sawk continues to kick its ass. However, Iris manages to stall Sawk long enough for the paralyzation to finally stop it from moving and hit it with a volt switch. Good for her on defeating a tertiary character, I guess.

Round 3 will be Ash/Dino and Luke/Iris. I predict a 100% chance that Dino will defeat Ash. Ash sends out Palpitoad, Dino sends out Darumaka, and the episode ends with a To Be Continued.

CLUB BATTLE FINALE: A HERO'S OUTCOME!

"What was hot is now tre cool!"
Score: 5/10

Palpitoad defeats Darumaka in literally less than five seconds. Huh. That was a bizarrely interesting design for Dino and a suspenseful To Be Continued wasted on absolutely nothing. I mean… what was the point of that?

Well, whatever. Next up is Luke versus Iris. Luke's asked Bianca to film him, but she's instead chosen to film Zorua sitting.

Golett versus Axew. Iris opens with scratch, thus showing the writers remembered that ghost types are immune to normal attacks for this episode. Golett splits into three copies of itself with double team and then tries to smash into Axew. Not knowing which is real, Axew stands perfectly still and allows all of them to hit it. I must admit, that is a unique, interesting strategy that I, for one, never would have thought of. Since Axew can only use scratch and dragon rage, it's at a huge disadvantage, so it learns outrage. Wow, that’s a helpful thing to be able to do. By the way, outrage literally consists of just punching your target a bunch of times in a row and visually has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with dragons. Iris is the victor, and snuggles Axew because it’s cute. Enjoy it while you can, Axew, one day you’ll be a Haxorus and no one will snuggle you.

After the battle, Luke is disappointed that Bianca only filmed Zorua and spent her time making it an outfit. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW43.jpg I honestly don’t know what he expected - though I’ll agree that Bianca’s ability to create that much clothing in like two minutes is surprisingly. Bianca, for her part, continues trying to convince Zorua to be her pokemon, to a point where it becomes clear she only wants Zorua because the writers had no idea what to do with her during this tournament after her loss.

Burgundy appears and challenges Cilan to a connoisseur battle during the next Ash/Iris battle, which he agrees to. What does a connoisseur battle consist of? Commenting on things. Despite the quality of commenting and narration being completely subjective, they still manage to find a judge for their battle.

Pikachu versus Axe-- Excadrill?! That's just mean, Iris. That’s just mean. Ash has Pikachu use thunderbolt for its move because he wants to show how serious he is. No, really, that’s his literal explanation. I don’t know either. As the battle goes on, Burgundy and Cilan comment on it - but Cilan is clearly better at it than she is, and she consents to calling the connoisseur battle off. That was… literally 100% pointless padding.

Pikachu does well at first, but it finally loses so much energy that it's knocked down. It bravely, heroically stands up! And then is then knocked out by Excadrill's next attack before it can do anything.

As Iris accepts the prize, she sees a camera, so she says hi to the elders at the Village of Dragons. Wow, I be they’re really excited for your ability to win with non-dragons.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket is planning something with the music hall. OooOOOOOOooooOOOOooo

POKEMON THE MOVIE: WHITE - VICTINI AND RESHIRAM

“Bloop.”
Score: 3/10

A guy named Damon is in a frozen tundra, trying to convince the "People of the Vale" there that they need to go back to where they're "meant to live" - but they believe it to be a legend. Of note - we later see that there are many tribes descended from the People of the Vale, so this guy thinking that their original homeland is a legend is pretty much the same thing as me thinking Britain is a mythical place because neither I nor the Canadian guy I know have been to it. Nevertheless, Damon insists on seeing Glacene, the village chief.

Cut to Glacene, a middle-aged woman, and her son, trying to forage for some plants... in the middle of the snow and ice. Well, whatever, the ice they’re on begins to crack, and the two of them and another villager are trapped on a piece of ice that's about to collide with a horribly CGIed glacier - they seriously put no effort into making it mesh with the traditional animation. Suddenly Damon arrives on Zekrom, and commands it to smash up the large glacier. Damon tells Glacene that they need to reclaim their bond with the land, and Zekrom tells them that beyond hope, they'll find their ideals. What... what does that even mean. Are you saying that once they’ve given up hope, they’ll find the land of the legends? I mean… I seriously want to understand that line because it sounds like it’s going to be important later.

No time for perfectly logical questions, however - cut to the heroes in a forest. They're going to the mountain town of Eindook, hoping to get there in time for the harvest festival. Because when I think of adventuring youths, I think of harvest festivals. By the way, this mountain town with no flat, arable land that is surrounded solely by forests and mountains has a harvest festival. Additionally, the heroes are going to a battle competition in the town, but this movie is chronologically between the Don George competition, which means they left the first competition halfway through to enter a completely unrelated competition dozens of miles away in a city that’s based on France (I checked), not that you would ever realize it by the visuals.

A Victini accidentally scares some Deerling into almost falling off of a cliff, so Ash runs out to help them instead of just having Snivy use vine whip to catch them. Ash nearly falls off himself, however, so Victini touches him secretly and gives him the ability to jump two hundred feet to the other side of the chasm the cliff is on. Literally only Iris thinks this is unusual, and she drops the matter after one sentence. Literally no one comments on this further.

On the other side of the chasm is a cave system, so Ash is forced to travel through it to find a way to the surface, so Victini (who can fly and turn invisible) follows him and gives him a psychic vision of how to get to the exit of the cave. Ash does not think this psychic vision is at all strange. He sees a formation of crystals while traveling through the cave, and one of them lights up with fire, with causes the crystals to all briefly glow red. You might think this is important, but it’s actually not.

The cave ends in what appears to be a small supply room in a medieval castle (?), so Ash gets Cilan and Iris (who took the long way around the chasm) to follow him up. The castle is called the Sword of the Vale, and Cilan explains the myth of this castle: that it (it’s shaped like an upside-down sword hilt) flew through the air and landed in this spot. Ash and Iris instantly believe him, but Cilan tells them that it's impossible to tell if it's the truth. Even though I can think of like half a dozen ways to easily check the truth. The heroes go through the castle (which has no security), and Cilan gives Ash and Iris some macarons to munch on, which Victini steals because the writers literally can't think of a personality for a tiny being of great power other than “mischievous.” ****, we later learn Victini’s lived in this village for a thousand years, I have to assume it already knows what human food tastes like.

In the castle, they run into Damon, who guides them out. By the way, they introduce themselves as an aspiring pokemon master, dragon master, and connoisseur, even though Damon does not ask. At the festival, the heroes learn about Victini, a pokemon that's rumored to live in this town as its protector, and asking about Victini is the last thing of any significance Iris is going to do in this movie.

The town is having a battle competition, so the mayor has several Klink use themselves as gears in an elaborate music box. Which you would think would be a horrible time for the Klink, but eh. Also involved is Carlita, whom we will later learn is Damon’s sister, and Juanita, their mother. Iris and Cilan are quickly knocked out of the competition (Cilan is defeated by Carlita’s Hydreigon), but Ash stays strong.

Finally, Ash starts losing, so Victini secretly empowers Tepig and later Scraggy (whom Ash sends to fight a Hydreigon, by the way), and Carlita, suspecting Victini is helping Ash, is able to catch a glimpse of it. By the way, this is literally the last time anyone mentions the battle competition and we get absolutely no closure on it. Carlita and the heroes realize Victini is around, and in a moment of bizarre competence, Ash decides that the psychic visions, ability to jump two hundred feet, and disappearing food were all probably Victini’s doing. He asks a tree if Victini is there, and it reveals itself. Ash grabs it to hug it or something, I can't really tell, but Victini cries and flies off. The heroes decide he was probably too rough on this legendary millennia-old monster of untold power, but it comes back immediately when offered food. Ash then runs arounds the town with Victini on his head like it’s no big deal and literally no one in the town thinks this is unusual.

When they try to leave the town, however, a purple force field appears to stop Victini from leaving, but everyone else can go through it. Crying, Victini flies off. The heroes go to Carlita's mother, who explains that the village has a magical barrier around it, and Victini can't go beyond the four Pillars of Protection around the village. Wait - then how did Victini come into the forest earlier and help Ash and the Deerling?

Well, that’s not important, I guess. The heroes and Carlita and Juanita meet up with Damon, and they all search for Victini, locating it in about two minutes. Legendary pokemon that’s barely been glimpsed over the course of a thousand years, folks. Damon announces that he wants to borrow some of Victini's power to his mother and the mayor, who reveal to the heroes that they are descendants of the People of the Vale.

They take the heroes to the castle and explain. A thousand years ago, the People of the Vale lived under a king in the Kingdom of the Vale, which drew its energy from the Dragon Force, power that flows invisibly throughout the planet. The king had two sons - two wise princes. The princes each had a unique quality - the Hero of Ideals had Zekrom, and the Hero of Truth had Reshiram. You may be wondering how you can prove yourself to be the hero of an abstract concept, and so am I. The two princes eventually became enemies, and this led to war. The two dragons wounded each other and used up all of their life energy and transformed into stone to slumber, because **** it, gotta do something, I guess. This caused the Dragon Force to become chaotic, so the king used Victini's power to create a barrier around the castle using the Pillars of Protection and Victini. Victini then lifted the castle into the sky, and moved it about ten miles to a different mountaintop than it had originally been built in. Unfortunately, the king died of vague, unclear reasons just after this.

The two princes moved the stone dragon pokemon to a "safe and secret" location. However, this caused the People of the Vale to lose their way and scatter for some reason, even though they were all still together and they were like ten miles from their original homes. Because of the Pillars of Protection, Victini has been trapped in this area for a thousand years. Damon points to an empty vale in the mountains still in sight, and announces that he will bring the kingdom back to life. My ****ing God, Damon. This vale is like ten miles away, it is literally within view from the castle.

While the heroes play with Victini, Damon to explains to Juanita that he's been working to find all of the People of the Vale all over the world, including the people in the frozen place earlier in this movie and some dudes in a desert. Of course, you would think that a people who lived a thousand years ago would have disseminated their DNA so widely that it would be impossible to really claim descent from them given that so many millions of people would make the same claim that it would become meaningless, but that certainly didn’t stop Damon. At first, no one would listen to him, but then a voice asked him if he'd be willing to go further for his ideals. He heard it coming from the castle, so he and the mayor went to the cave beneath the castle and traveled on the crystal formation from earlier. There, he found the Great Darkstone, which had Zekrom in it. I guess Zekrom no longer needed to sleep or something, because it then woke up and told Damon that it'd help him realize his ideals. Then Damon used it to destroy a tornado because **** yeah, if I had a pet dragon and I'd do that kind of **** too. By the way, reuniting a lost people isn’t really an “ideal,” it’s more like a goal.

But come on, ****, Damon, these people have been living elsewhere for a thousand years - people in a desert and in a frozen tundra and in McDonald’s aren’t going to know how to live as farmers in a vale in the mountains, it’s simply been lost to them. And even if it wasn’t, it’s clear that many of the People of the Vale didn’t leave, because they built this town you’re in now. And if you claim this town isn’t technically in the vale because it’s like ten miles away, then it’s a certainty that the original settlers just walked back to their original villages in the vale, grabbed their stuff, and came back here, because of the short distances involved. There is absolutely no reason to care about your goal of resettling the vale other than that you want the name of an ethnicity that has not existed for a thousand years to make sense.

Just then, inside the castle, the leaders of the various tribes of the People of the Vale appear (I guess they were just waiting outside this room for hours, waiting for the most dramatic possible moment to enter during Damon’s story), and Damon explains that Zekrom's shown him how to use the Sword of the Vale to gain control of the Dragon Force's energy.

At night, the heroes and Victini go to sleep, but Victini has a dream where the king from the story appears and apologizes for trapping it here for a thousand years. Yeah, I gotta agree, there, king. That was kind of a dick move. However, we learn later in the movie that this literally saved the entire world, so from another perspective, uh, you can’t really apologize for what you would probably do again. Victini wakes up and flies to get a view of the ocean, which is in sight but too far away to reach, and the heroes all follow it. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/VZMovie.jpg Victini points to the ocean, and Ash promises to help it reach it. Ash will technically fulfill his promise, but it will be almost 100% Damon’s actions that enable his success.

Whatever, Damon has his Sigilyph use its psychic powers to move the Pillars of Protection through the air and around the castle. Huh. I kind of assumed those enormous pillars were immobile, but okay.

Victini flies to Damon in the castle, who traps it in smaller, replica pillars and "asks" it to grant him its power. The pillars shock it and take its energy to power the Sword, which increases the power of the psychic pokemon in the castle, which allows Damon to move the castle through the air. By the way, this is clearly torturous for Victini and not at all something it agrees to.

In the area in the mountain where the castle was, green magic stuff glows - the Dragon Force. Damon then "uses the castle to change the flow of the Dragon Force," which causes the green stuff to create a visible line through the forest and to where Damon wants the castle to be. The heroes run to Victini, and it cries out in pain, and Damon claims it's lending him its power. Ash tells him to let it go, but Damon refuses as long as he still needs its power. And, uh, I hate to side with Damon here, but we’re already high up in the air, here, Ash, if Victini just stops won’t that cause the castle to the plummet to the ground and everyone to die?

No time for self-preservation, however, as Ash tries to stop him, but Damon just uses his Gothitelle to stop the heroes. Juanita and Carlita tell Damon to stop or Victini will die, which they don't actually know but eh. Despite Gothitelle, the heroes almost succeed in destroying the replica pillars, but Zekrom appears. By the way, there is absolutely no mention of the time Ash saw a Zekrom. Well, the heroes ain't fighting Zekrom, and it kicks their asses. Juanita sends out her shiny Golurk to fight Zekrom, but it's no Charizard and it's not fighting a legendary one-on-one. Hilariously, Golurk is knocked into the sky below the clouds and presumably falls miles and miles to the ground.

Victini has a flashback to its final moments with the king, who warns it to never move the Sword of the Vale because it could unbalance the Dragon Force and destroy the world. Yep. He told only Victini, the idiotic prancing monster that cannot speak, what to do to avoid destroying the world. It sends this flashback to Ash, but Damon locks everyone in the castle's storeroom.

Ash says that if the castle is moved, it'll disturb the Dragon Force and destroy the world, and everyone instantly believes him. Juanita believes that Zekrom doesn't know this because it turned to stone before the Dragon Force became disturbed, even though in the story from earlier, the princes disturbed the Dragon Force by fighting using their pokemon and ah screw it. The only choice is Reshiram - since Zekrom was beneath the castle, maybe Reshiram is too. Fortunately, this is the same storeroom Ash emerged into earlier, so he knows the secret path into the cave system (why there is a secret path at all is unexplained). He takes them into the caves, and there a voice asks if Ash has the courage to seek the truth. Well, it barely matters if he does or not, Reshiram, given that if he doesn't find you, the world will be destroyed. It's more like "do you want to die?" And the answer to that question is “Not particularly.”

Man, whatever, Ash finds Reshiram's dragon stone, which lights up. Reshiram asks what Ash's wish is, and he says he wants to help Victini. Oh, huh, that's a noble goal. Almost as noble as saving the world how is that not taking priority, Ash. Reshiram emerges from the stone, and tells him that his courage shall become his truth. By the way, that means absolutely nothing.

Outside, Golurk is fine and tries to stop the castle again, and Zekrom easily stops it a second time. Man, what the hell were you expecting to happen. Zekrom is about to murder Golurk when Reshiram and Ash appear - Ash gets off on the castle, and Zekrom and Reshiram fight because even though they are embodiments of abstract concepts and they know their last fight caused the near destruction of the world and they could easily just talk to each other, **** it, they’ve got to fight. Ash tries to help Victini, but Gothitelle stands perfectly still and lets Pikachu thunderbolt it. Damon says that some ideals require sacrifices, but Ash retorts that his don't. **** yeah, Ash will never sacrifice anything, no matter what, ever!
http://cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/5/54/Latios_fairwell.png

Reshiram shows Zekrom that the world is being destroyed by the chaotic Dragon Force, which convinces Zekrom to help. You would, uh, you would think that Reshiram would have just told Zekrom without the fight being necessary at all, but okay. Before Ash can free Victini, Zekrom appears and frees it, thus making that entire scene with Damon and Gothitelle completely pointless.

Everyone tells Damon about the Dragon Force going out of control, and we see the energy lines stretching out across the land, destroying everything around them with awful CGI particles. The legendary pokemon tell Damon to sooth the anger of the land and use the castle to restrain the Dragon Force, so they lend him their power, empowering the castle to reverse the Dragon Force or something, it’s not really explained. This starts to cause the castle to crumble, so everyone escapes on the mayor's plane (he flies up to help) or Carlita's Hydreigon. By the way, all of the leaders of the People of the Veil were on this castle, too, but the writers completely forgot about them.

Damon decides to stay and "do this alone" for absolutely no reason, but the mayor and Carlita are force to leave without Ash and Victini because the barrier reappears as the real pillars close in on the castle for completely unexplained reasons. Damon falls off of the castle, and the castle then flies into space. Yep. Space.

This makes it very cold, but don't worry - even though the castle is open-air, they still have oxygen. I’ll be completely fair and admit that Ash mentions he’ll run out of air soon, but they spend like five minutes in space and it’s never brought up again.

Fortunately, Damon and Golurk appear (Golurk caught him, and I guess Golurk can also leave the atmosphere), and he tells Zekrom and Reshiram to destroy the pillars and release their energy. But they fail, and the pillars just enclose around Ash and Victini further. Damon tells Ash not to give up because he's been chosen by a great dragon pokemon, and we all know that Zekrom and Reshiram never make mistakes. Ash says he won't give up, and then promptly gives up and tells Victini he can't take it to the ocean anymore.

Victini freaks out and destroys the pillars, which you might think it would have done long ago if it hated being trapped that badly but I guess not. This causes the pillars’ energy to be launched harmlessly into space or something, but it’s implied Victini dies doing this. Yeah, I’m sure. The Sword of the Vale drifts back to Earth, guided by the dragons, Golurk, and the psychic pokemon. By the way, Golurk is ****ing pulling overtime for how much work it’s doing as a non-protagonist, non-legendary.

However, the Dragon Force is still in chaos or something, so Damon guides the castle to the vale he had intended to begin with, conveniently right next to the ocean, which somehow sooths the Dragon Force and makes everything better. Wait, if the Pillars of Protection are necessary to control the Dragon Force, why can it be controlled after Victini’s destroyed them? If they weren’t necessary, why did the king install them in the first place?

The heroes go out to the ocean, and Ash apologizes to Victini for it dying and throws a macoron into the ocean. Victini appears and catches it. Victini shows Ash a psychic vision of itself exploring the world now that the pillars are gone, and Damon decides to restore the land, which was literally what he planned to do anyway, Damon has suffered absolutely no consequences for his actions. The dragon pokemon leave for no reason, and the last line in the movie inexplicably goes to Juanita.

This movie sucks. Nothing makes sense, all of the characters are idiots, Iris and Cilan do literally nothing, Damon suffers no consequences for his actions and in fact succeeds in all of his goals, the dragons keep asking questions about ideals and truth that mean nothing at all, the CGI is horrible, and literally all of the tension in the movie is the result of people not thinking ahead. I also find it very hard to believe that Zekrom wouldn’t know that moving the castle would be bad for the Dragon Force. It’s also not explained why Damon needs to even move the stupid castle at all - he already has Zekrom, which was enough to get the People of the Vale to follow him, the castle is unnecessary except as a symbol, when he already has a symbol (Zekrom), and when the castle is literally still in view of the vale. Additionally, the dragons themselves are complete morons. I understand that they’re really more interested in ideals and truth than actual intelligence, so they might be a bit shortsighted, but when you’re dealing with the fate of the entire goddamn world you would think some patience might be called for - that castle was there for a thousand years, if you wait a few days to make sure it’s safe to move it, it’s not going to go anywhere in the meantime. ****, I can’t think of a single character in this movie more significant than Carlita who doesn’t act like a complete idiot at least once.

Also, this movie is called “Victini and Reshiram,” but Reshiram has maybe three total minutes of screen time and I do not think even thirty seconds are spent with it and Victini together. It should have been called “Victini and Zekrom,” and I assume the reverse is true of the other version.

MEOWTH'S SCRAFTY TACTICS!

"That's the truth?" "Believe you me, I'd feel much better lying."
Score: 6/10

The heroes are traveling through a field when they find an unconscious, hurt Meowth. They nurse him back to health, and when asked, he tells them he's not a member of Team Rocket anymore. They were in a top secret mission, but Meowth screwed up badly in a vague, unspecified way and ruined the mission, and thus was fired by Giovanni because dammit, Team Rocket is a completely serious organization. I also like James saying "Take it slow" in exactly the same way as the battlecruiser captain from Starcraft.

Cilan says they should take Meowth with them because he's vulnerable as the only Meowth in the region, and the heroes agree to let him come if he stops being evil. I do like how Pikachu gives Meowth a "Go to hell" look, though. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW43-1.jpg

As they travel through a forest, Axew gets grabbed by a Scrafty wearing a mask (this is literally like the Batdog, who wears a Batman mask and helps Batman even though you can’t really identify a dog’s facial features) and taken to a cabin (by the way, we’ll never learn whose cabin this is). Meowth translates for Scrafty, which says that if they come into the cabin, it'll hurt Axew. Instead, the heroes agree to send Meowth to negotiate.
Meowth wants to prove to Scrafty that he's only there to talk: "Check it out, I'm empty-handed."
Iris: "You're a pokemon, of course you are. Duh."
+1 Iris

Scrafty needs a trainer and some pokemon to battle, but it won't give any more details than that. Ash finds a window in the back of the cabin, so he asks Meowth to trick Scrafty into coming to the door, which he does by having Scraggy ask for a demonstration of hi jump kick. Also Ash sends out Snivy, who immediately assumes Meowth is hostile and attacks without a word. See, this is among the many reasons Snivy is Ashs’s best Unova pokemon.

Scrafty is unimpressed by Scraggy, but is successfully tricked into showing off its moves to it. The plan works perfectly and Snivy steals Axew back, then Pikachu defeats Scrafty with one thunderbolt. Scrafty gets up and removes its completely pointless mask, and demands a real battle, and if they lose, they have to help it out. Ash agrees and sends out Tepig, which proceeds to completely kick Scrafty's ass.

Cilan declares that it's investigating time and they have to learn why Scrafty is acting like this, summoning a vignette of a 1940s detective drama where he interrogates Scrafty (?!). It admits that it was kicked out of its den, and no other wild pokemon around would help it. The heroes agree to help, and learn it's a Mandibuzz that stole its home. Ash sends Pikachu to help, but Scraggy wants to help. Well, Scrafty got its ass kicked by this Mandibuzz, so Scraggy will definitely win, right? Then it, uh, does. Using high jump kick, which it apparently learned from one demonstration.

Mandibuzz says it had a fight with its friend and lost its home because it stole some food, so Meowth agrees to help it make peace with the other Mandibuzz, successfully helping all of the pokemon involved. The heroes talk about how good Meowth is now, so Iris randomly decides to catch him and throws a pokeball. Meowth escapes the pokeball and declares that he'll never be anyone's pokemon, but still agrees to journey with the heroes.

Meanwhile, Jessie and Jjames do vague criminal things in a subway and pronounce "schedule" as "shed-ju-ill." The fiends.

I'm not sure how I feel about Meowth in the party. We'll see what's done with it.

PURRLOIN: SWEET OR SNEAKY!

"I can't help thinking the things that cross my mind."
Score: 7/10

A wild Purrloin steals some food from some Tranquill, but doesn't expect the Tranquill to summon ten of its friends to gang up on the single cat. Purrloin runs off.

Cut to the heroes, and Pikachu still doesn't trust Meowth. I don’t blame you, Pikachu. Meowth’s betrayed you more times than Ash has replaced his female friend. Purrloin runs into Meowth as it escapes the Tranquill still following it, so Ash, who has Pikachu on his shoulder, sends out Oshawott to fight the Tranquill off. And, of course, Meowth and Oshawott instantly fall in love with Purrloin.

Even though the pokedex and Cilan both immediately tell everyone that Purrloin only act innocent to trick people into letting their guard down, Purrloin's story about accidentally taking berries it didn't know belonged to the Tranquill is accepted by everyone except Cilan. Cilan also mentions that he had a run-in with a Purrloin another time that’s made him fearful and distrusting of them, but bizarrely, although it’s mentioned like four times during this episode, we never learn any details at all. That’s not how narrative works, Japan.

Iris wants to catch Purrloin, so she throws a pokeball without trying to weaken it first. “Dragon Master.” Meowth and Oshawott start fighting over Purrloin, but it eventually just leaves... only to not come back because it sees Ash has some food in his backpack, which, given the sheer amount of berries we see him carrying, apparently means he carries nothing on him except a badge case and eight berries the size of his hand. Purrloin "runs back" panicking and says its friend is trapped in a deep, dark cave ahead. Cilan refuses to help because he's racist against Purrloin and stays behind, but everyone else goes with Purrloin.

Just after they leave, a girl with a broken arm (later named Mischa) shows Cilan a picture of her Purrloin, saying she's looking for it.

Purrloin takes everyone into an abandoned mine, then steals Ash's backpack (with the food) and tells them it's been lying after it tricks them into standing on some decaying scaffolding, which then collapses and kills everyone. Or maybe not. Purrloin doesn't expect this and sneaks back to make sure no one is hurt from falling thirty feet, but it doesn’t realize that this is cartoon and Ash frequently survives falls of two hundred feet with nothing worse than some black lines on his face and clothing that I assume are supposed to be scratches.

Cilan and Mischa appear (even though there is no way they could know where Purrloin and everyone went). Purrloin (via Meowth) accuses Mischa of abandoning it, but Mischa says she never abandoned Purrloin - then we get a flashback to Mischa and Purrloin in a cabin, and Mischa promising to come back soon. However, Mischa didn't come back for so long that Purrloin assumed she abandoned it and became angry and bitter, and left the cabin. Why was a ten year-old girl living alone with her cat in the middle of the woods? Good question. Mischa, however, explains that she got delayed when her arm was broken in an accident, but Purrloin won't believe her even though there is a mountain of evidence showing Mischa is telling the truth, including her clearly broken arm. Although, in fairness, that just raises the question of why Mischa sent no one to check on her cat, but whatever, I guess.

The ground Meowth, Ash, and Iris are on suddenly turns into quicksand for no reason (I don’t even know what to tell you), so Cilan throws them a rope. Cilan and Mischa immediately get trapped in the quicksand as well, and when Purrloin tries to help, Mischa tells it not to because it's too dangerous. Oh, okay. I guess… you’d rather just die. Well, okay then. Purrloin runs out of the mine in a panic. Ash sends out Snivy to use vine whip and rescue everyone, but it can only hold them in place, not pull up so many people at once, and merely buys some time. Just before everyone dies horribly because whoever ran this mine left absolutely no security (I have seen out of business Blockbusters with more security guards than this mine), Purrloin and the Tranquill from earlier appear to help, even though they should be miles away and have no reason to listen to Purrloin and no reason to help people who helped Purrloin, who is a thief. The Tranquill then rescue everyone. As the episode ends, Meowth and Oshawott make one last attempt to ask Purrloin to go on a date with one of them, and Purrloin finally admits the truth: it's a dude. Haha, I literally added a point to the episode’s score just for that.

Meanwhile, Jessie and James spend the episode helping a helicopter land in the subway from last episode. Yep, that’s some story progress, alright.

BEEHEEYEM, DUOSION, AND THE DREAM THIEF!

"Glorp."
Score: 7.5/10

The heroes are derping around in a field when a creepy guy, later named Leon, sees their talking Meowth and Pikachu and decides to steal them. Hiding in some bushes, he sends his Beeheeyem to talk to Meowth, and Meowth introduces the obviously not suspicious Beeheeyem to the others. Okay, this literally happens, I am not taking anything out of context: Ash scans it with the pokedex, which says that Beeheeyem use their colored fingers to communicate. Beeheeyem then immediately, as in less than one second later, starts talking to Meowth by saying its name like all other pokemon. Beeheeyem claims to be able to make any of the heroes' wishes come true, so Ash wishes to see his father again.

>_>

Cilan says he needs some figgy berries, which are spicy, for the dinner he's planning, so Beeheeyem flashes its fingers and Cilan suddenly has some figgy berries. Now, you would assume that the heroes would then wish for like money or whatever like anyone else ever, right? Wrong. They have no desires at all, and Leon mentions that their lack of desires could ruin his plan. Cilan then finally mentions that he wouldn't mind sleeping in a hotel suite tonight, so Beeheeyem says to follow it, and it brings them to a five-story hotel. Iris says that there was no hotel here earlier, but Cilan doesn't think this is weird at all, even though in a previous episode he was the "science guy" who wanted explanations for everything. Everyone decides to go in. No one is in the hotel, but Beeheeyem offers to show the heroes to their room. NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL. By the way, there's only one bed in this room and all of the heroes sleep together. They instantly fall asleep.

On the roof of the hotel, Officer Jenny and her Duosion sneaks in by teleporting (?) and breaks into the heroes' bedroom. She introduces herself as an officer in the Psychic Crimes Division. The heroes then realize that all of their pokemon and pokeballs are gone, including Axew and Pikachu. They find Beeheeyem, but it just creates some bars in a hallway to block them from catching it, and Leon introduces himself as the “Dream Thief.” Jenny then tells everyone that they're trapped in a dream created by Beeheeyem, and that she's entered Beeheeyem's dream to help them (why didn’t she tell that earlier?). So, uh, if they're all in a dream, how is stealing the pokemon in the dream important? Shouldn’t Leon be stealing them in the real world?

Jenny says that to escape the dream, they need to do two things: convince everyone in the dream that it is a dream, and find the emergency exit point and pound on it with psychic power, because all dreams have an emergency exit point (and yes, it is a literal sign on a wall). Iris finds the emergency exit in literally five seconds, and Duosion hits it with psywave, putting the heroes back in the real world. Leon is still there with the pokemon (if he stole them in the dream, why does he have them in the real world?), so he has Beeheeyem fight Duosion. Duosion's attacks do nothing, and Beeheeyem's single attack knocks it out. Then Cilan notices that there are two moons, which means that they must still be in the dream. Jenny realizes that the pokemon need to be woken up and told that they're in a dream, but while Pikachu and Axew wake up easily, Meowth is too sleepy, so Pikachu shocks it to wake up. Inexplicably, Pikachu's shock also hurts Leon and makes him drop it, but Leon still escapes with all of the pokeballs. Iris instantly finds the emergency exit again, and they wake up in the field again.

Suddenly, a gigantic alien spaceship appears and Leon floats down and claims to be an alien. Cilan sees three moons now, and they realize Meowth is still asleep. Somehow. Even though he already woke up. I… what? Iris finds the emergency exit instantly.

The heroes wake up again, and Beeheeyem is now a hundred feet tall. This time even people who flunked out of elementary school can tell they're still in the dream, and once again Meowth is still asleep, so all of the pokemon attack him at once to hurt him as much as possible. Even with this, Meowth is still asleep, so Cilan feeds him the figgy berries to make him wake up from too much spiciness (one can only assume Meowth hates Mexican food), Ash finds the emergency exit, and the dream ends. The heroes immediately check the moon, and then find Leon. Pikachu easily knocks Beeheeyem out, and when Leon attempts to run away, Meowth cuts him up and Jenny takes him away, saying that he'll be prosecuted to the full extent of the anti-psychic law. As opposed to the normal laws governing stealing pokemon.

Meanwhile, Team Rocket does mysterious stuff in the subway, and those two Subway Bosses, Ingo and Emmett, learn something is wrong and Nimbasa City is in danger.

Honestly, despite making absolutely no sense in any way, this episode is actually really good and entertaining. I would definitely recommend watching it.

THE BEARTIC MOUNTAIN FEUD!

"The only thing yelling will get us is an echo."
Score: 3/10

A group of Beartic and Cubchoo on a mountain in the middle of a forest are running away from a storm which is ripping the place apart. A Cubchoo (by the way, the gross ice booger is literally a part of its body that does not go away, and it can apparently control it like a limb) drops off of a cliff in the confusion.

A few days later, the heroes are walking through a trail in the forest and they see the wounded Cubchoo on some rocks. Now, at first I thought this was the next morning and the Cubchoo had only been left on these exposed rocks at the base of the cliff for one night, which made sense, but no, the dialogue later in the episode makes it extremely clear multiple times that Cubchoo lay wounded out here for days without food or water, and somehow, I guess it didn’t die. Sure.

Cubchoo is weak and needs food, so the heroes search for berries in the forest instead of just carrying pokemon food with them like normal people would. A group of wild Beartic appears, and the heroes say to themselves “Ha! We’ve seen this plot before!” and offer them the Cubchoo. The Beartic just growl at it and it runs back to Cilan, and just before Ash can forget that he owns a Tepig, a forest ranger and his Mienfoo appear. You would assume that a forest ranger would own a pokemon more adapted to the forest than a Mienfoo, but apparently not. Cliff (the ranger) helps the heroes escape and takes them to his cabin where he apparently has a flatscreen TV. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW46.jpg

By the way, Cliff is one of the only people surprised by a talking Meowth. He tries to catch him, which is a joke that old literally the second time Iris tried to catch him. Cubchoo only now chooses to tell the heroes (via Meowth) what happened to it - it was knocked off of a cliff during a storm. Cliff explains that there are two groups of Beartic on this mountain, and the one this Cubchoo is from is on the summit of the mountain and the Beartic the heroes ran into are from the base. Cliff is confused because the Beartic groups normally get along, and Iris is confused because she's never heard of a pokemon getting upset without something provoking it, even though I could literally list a half dozen pokemon whose entire gimmick is being mad for no reason.

The heroes decide to take Cubchoo back, so Cliff agrees to take the heroes on a route that will avoid the Beartic at the base. However, they run into the Beartic anyway, which quickly find them. Ash remembers he owns a Tepig this time, which easily defeats multiple pokemon ten times its size, but it doesn’t really matter because of the sheer number of enemies, and during the battle, all of the heroes’ pokemon except Mienfoo are knocked over a cliff. You would think Ash would now send out Tranquill to go find them, but no. No, he does not.

Yep, it's another "the pokemon must survive and work together while the humans look for them" plot, except super half-assed. The pokemon, who have been separated from the heroes for all of one minute, decide to forage for food instead of just staying still and waiting to be rescued.

Cliff checks his map and finds that the heroes can't go any farther to reach their pokemon without going into the Beartic foraging area. They decide to anyway, and learn that the storm destroyed all of the berries in the area, which is denying the Beartic their food. Even though they're bears. And bears eat meat. Anyway, the heroes then realize that the Beartic at the base of the mountain are desperate for what little food remains, so seeing other Beartic/Cubchoo in the area implies they're here to steal it. Just then, a group of Beartic appear, and we soon learn they're the summit Beartic, come to search for their lost Cubchoo.

Meowth, Oshawott, and Pikachu find an unguarded pile of berries on a stump, and only Pikachu thinks that it might be a bad idea to steal someone else's food. When the base Beartic return to find their food missing (because of course it’s their food), they freak out. Only Pikachu and Tepig still think that they shouldn't eat stolen food, but it doesn't really matter because the Beartic instantly find them.

The summit Beartic and the heroes arrive just before the base Beartic attack. The Beartic start fighting, which causes some boulders on a cliff to dislodge, so everyone has to work together to not... die. This makes everything okay, and the Beartic all agree to leave peacefully. Cliff agrees to guide the base Beartic to another forest with more food, where I assume they'll completely turn over the local ecosystem by introducing a dozen thousand pound predators when they haven’t ever been before.

Meanwhile, the Subway Bosses investigate the subway while talking to each other about things they already know so the audience understands what's going on (I especially like when they announce to an empty hallway that they're the Subway Bosses). Doctor Monocle warns Team Rocket not to get discovered, but they already know Ingo and Emmett are after them and thus have the advantage for whenever the writers decide to actually move this subplot forward.

This episode is just the worst kind of filler, Team Rocket subplot be damned.

CRISIS FROM THE UNDERGROUND UP!

"I’m also a Subway Connoisseur!"
Score: 7.7/10

The heroes reach Nimbasa City, and Cilan mentions how many other places to battle besides the gym there are. To my surprise, Ash says that's interesting but he really just wants to go to the gym. Thank God. Oh wait, no. Meowth is too tired to go to the gym right now and convinces everyone to go to the pokemon center to rest up. Cilan takes everyone to the subway to travel because this city is famous for it. I won’t lie – as a child of LA, I’ve been on the subway precisely twice in my life. It is ****ing awful, but maybe other cities are better about it. Cilan also claims to be an expert on subways - God, this guy has more expertises than Reed Richards. By the way, Ash doesn't know what "mass-produced" means. http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW47.jpg http://i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g352/AnagramGF/BW47-1.jpg On the train, Cilan explains that the subway is fully-automated and needs no engineer. Wow, that sounds incredibly dangerous if anything at all ever goes wrong with the computer for any reason. By the way, I wrote that sentence before I finished the episode, I swear.

The emergency brake engages and the subway stops. The heroes look out the window and see another train pass on an adjacent track, and a nameless extra mentions the mysterious ghost train. Then Ingo and Emmett appear (by the way, we later see they manage everything from a central control room and don’t need to come in person, so their presence here makes absolutely no sense), and Cilan explains who they are. They take the train to its destination, and it turns out Cilan isn't lying about being a subway expert - he and the Subway Bosses here routinely go to the Subway Convention, which sounds... really boring. Jesus Christ that sounds horrible. Ingo and Emmett tell them about the ghost train, and its ability to vanish into thin air, but no time for plot, it’s time for the pokemon center!

The heroes go to the pokemon center and Meowth acts really suspicious and convinces everyone to leave him alone in a room with not only the heroes’ pokemon, but also all of the stored pokemon in the center. Wow, I wonder where this is going. He then sneaks away and calls Doctor Monocle, and we learn that - shock of shocks - Meowth was evil all along. Doctor Monocle begins to enact his plan, which involves cutting off communication all over the city, disabling a bridge to distract Officer Jenny (wouldn’t want her hurting herself while she incompetently tries to stop you, after all), and having Meowth open an air vent to the subway system and steal the hundreds of stored pokemon. When all of this happens, Cilan realizes that the pokemon in the center are in danger, but too late.

Meanwhile, Doctor Monocle stops all of the trains by hacking into the computer, an evil plan that would have been easily foiled if the trains had engineers. He does this to make the ghost train be able to more easily escape with the stolen pokemon.

The heroes jump down the airshaft and find Meowth, who admits to being evil, and Jessie and James reappear. With no pokemon to defend themselves with, the heroes can't stop Team Rocket from escaping in the ghost train, so they go to Ingo and Emmett, who eventually determine a point in the subway that the ghost train must pass no matter what. The heroes ask to help, and since bringing unarmed children into battle against the mafia is a great idea, the Subway Bosses agree. They essentially let the heroes do all of the work while they fix the automated system. Really.

Surprise surprise, the untrained children fail in their mission, and Team Rocket plants decoy trains in the subway to confuse Ingo and Emmett's sensors - there are now three trains on their computer, but only one is real, and the heroes must choose one to follow.

Honestly, this is a flat-out good episode. Lots of suspense, most of it makes sense if you assume Meowth is more convincing than… well, than he actually is, and so on. I like it a lot.

BATTLE FOR THE UNDERGROUND!

"Those dopes give me a twerpache!"
Score: 7.5/10

Team Rocket has dozens of false trains on the tracks meant to confuse Ingo and Emmett's sensors. After four minutes of padding while the heroes try to figure out what to do and the Doctor Monocle talks about how successful the plan has been, Cilan realizes that the ghost train has to leave the underground and thus has to exit into the above ground railyard, as it's the only exit. Really? No one else could have figured this out? I mean… really? I have another idea, just have Iris use her psychic Axew-detecting powers to find Team Rocket, it's not like they aren't canon. Well, whatever, everyone (including the Subway Bosses) gets onto a small railcar to pursue.

Meanwhile, in the ghost train, Team Rocket has placed Axew and Pikachu in small cages in a car with all of the stolen pokeballs. Really, Team Rocket? You spent weeks on this plan, and it’s gone so well so far, and you left Pikachu and Axew in a room full of pokeballs filled pokemon that all hate you? Pft. Axew and Pikachu can't escape on their own, so Pikachu rolls over to the pokeballs and frees Snivy to-- free Excadrill to free Pikachu and Axew. Okay then. There's an unbreakable door, however, so Pikachu carefully considers all of the pokemon it could free to open it, deciding on Dwebble for its acid.

It's too late, however, because when they confront Meowth, he explains that the train is moving too fast to jump off and they can't stop it. Even though they can easily just ignore Meowth and attack Jessie and James, it's impossible. I especially like when they're stopped by Meowth closing a door and they can't get through it even though Dwebble just destroyed an identical door. They instead combine their powers to destroy the link between the traincars, which admittedly does make sense. By the way, the pokemon traincar will continue moving at like fifty miles per hour for the rest of the episode, never slowing down despite having no engine or means of locomotion.

Doctor Monocle appears in a helicopter that can lift subway cars (apparently his degree in whatever it is he’s a doctor of includes a course on helicopter operation), so while Team Rocket fails to do anything for the rest of the episode except scream, he attempts to secure the car with his helicopter.

The heroes appear on their railcar, and I think the best part of this episode is when the pokemon are attacking the helicopter to stall its lifting the car, and the heroes appear and the pokemon get excited and forget to keep attacking, so Doctor Monocle almost succeeds. The heroes want to get onto the train, so Ingo sends out his Chandelure to psychically lift the heroes onto the subway car while the full-grown adults whose job it is to protect the subway do nothing except watch. After a lot of attempting to get away, the heroes finally just decide to attack the helicopter and Doctor Monocle has to retreat, also Tepig learns flamethrower. Team Rocket remembers that they can actually do stuff and tries to attack, but Ingo finally decides to do something to actually help directly and blows up their subway car with Chandelure (apparently he could do that all along?). The heroes tell Meowth that he tricked them this time but whatever, Team Rocket says they escaped this time but whatever, and then everyone escapes from everyone and everyone spends the rest of the episode talking about how inconclusive this all was.

This is actually a good episode, but given how much they built up to it, it more-or-less had to be. Sure, it doesn’t really make any sense when you think about it, but it’s Pokemon, so I can roll with that. Team Rocket doesn’t seem too broken up for having failed in a plan that took weeks to engineer, but that’s the only major failing. The only character who’s completely useless in this episode is Iris, who’s useless most of the time so I don’t really mind. So yeah: good episode, lots of action, watch it.