The Playoffs of the Board 8 RAP BATTLE: tha LEAGUE 3 Tournament.
~Playoffs~[]
Wildcard Round[]
Wildcard Round Battle 1: Digi vs. Mer[]
~The Raps~
Digi
Keepin’ you all guessing while the bomb squad investigates the topic
They’ve got my microphone for testing because they know how hard I rock it
I rap at high altitude and my lines are hot from friction, scary
Don’t try and out-me-dude, I’m straight up here, my diction’s airy
Like that game with the circle jerk and the biscuit, I’ll make you eat my nut bread
Your raps rival that of Steve Urkel work, like Beavis I get nothing but-head.
Mer you got ri-dick-ulous uptake upstate, how many dicks can your butt take
Suckin’ so me-tick-ulous first-rate, feels great, but I ain’t gay, cut bait
I got my heat out now, and I’m pump with you with lead ‘til ya tensile
My raps are on beat now, this lead it brings new meaning to ‘ya dick is a pencil’
My lines are juice-y like I shot ‘em up with a creatine gasket
Don’t need you-see, cause I get more head than a guillotine basket
Mer
Think you can flow but you spit post-menopause,
Nothing sick here, Red Cross is a better cause,
better bars, watch me give 'em out like rent-a-cars,
while you get ****ed in front of everyone like Jenna does,
I don't try, it comes natural like henna does,
Shootin' off power like Electabuzz.
Man I run this ****, the RAP BATTLE Tom Nook,
I destroy any ***** givin' me the wrong look,
You're undercooked, "Suck a dick, yo, you can't get married!"
I make a Digi sandwich but don't call me Barry,
Covered in blood while I feast like Carrie,
See my picture next to "Beast" in your dictionary.
Digi
Was that rap supposed to be heavy, Mer? It was light like illumination
All I heard was rappin’ mastur******, showin’ premature ejactulation
You’re a paling assailant failing irrelevant suckin’ down inhalent
Derailing the male scent, railing the pale gent when ya get bent
It’s clear you pre-wrote, I thought this was freestyle, bruh
With every key-stroke, I keep goin’ to revile yuh
Stealing lines from other users, your originality is microscopic
I’m dealing rhymes to other losers, I’m flexin’ venality in this topic
Standing over you don’t mean you understand me, take a breather
But me landing under you don’t mean you overhand me, either
Your raps are spoofed, jacked-waste fool, can’t break your habit
You dun goofed, I back-traced you and sent the tape to Bob Saget
Mer
Think I pre-write my ****? That's a testament to quality,
Rhymin' sodomy, pity you'd every think you're hot as me,
Follow me, I'll teach you like Bill Nye teach biology,
You bottom-feed, I'll stomp your ass with no apologies,
Your raps are too wordy, I'm bored before the next line,
Keep it under 300 syllables next time,
With lyrical agility, think my mouth is from Kenya
You rap like you're freestyling over Enya,
My lines are all mine, not a single one bit,
I'm like a Mormon, I don't jack anyone's ****,
Like Chris, I run it, there are many unfit,
and you're Rihanna, I shut your ass up with one hit.
Wildcard Round Battle 2: Realo vs. DC[]
~The Score~
realo: Forfeits, replaced by RTB
DC: -
Wildcard Round Battle 3: BBall vs. PatsD[]
~The Score~
BBall: Forfeits
PatsD: Forfeits
Wildcard Round Battle 4: Aeon vs. sbp[]
~The Score~
Aeon: Forfeits, replaced by AID
sbp:-
~The Raps~
sbp
when you'd fluked a win against me once the very art itself was disgraced
like tearing out an actuary's tongue -- no accounting for taste
my mistake must have been even leaving you alive when voting began
i'll need to see to it you die bleeding and squealing like p-chan
sucks to your ass-mar when i slit your piggy throat, silence your cries
when i'm the rock to crush your dreams and crush your corpse, you'll realize
my writing process is the full program against your shareware demos
ceaselessly unfunny, you're comic sans like dan gilbert memos
practically a factory for imperfections, you're just dross
and like a needle stopped at customs you can't get your point across
so bore us all you like with these two rounds you get before you're gone
'cause i'm putting you right to sleep once you're finished being a-yawn
Quarterfinals[]
Quarterfinal 1: (1.) Ed Bellis vs. (8.) RollTheBones[]
~The Score~
Ed: 4
~The Raps~
Ed
Your rap career is timeless in the sense that it's un-watch-able
You think that you done rhymed best but I'll ice you like a popsicle
Like Pearl Harbor with the papers your flavor is sore-Bay
Got a waiver once you waver worse than Hamlet at a buffet
So sign right here, don't have chagrin; unlike the Dane I'm decisive
I want to get under your skin just to know where all the lice live
I'll derisively deride you, I'm a gatling, you're a pop gun
Pull my heart out with your prattling? Here's some spoilers: I ain't got one
The top gun, man at the top won, but like a backwards whore you came back
But beating you is nonstop fun, watch you duck more than Aflac
I've never met a man who flunked his own head's school of thought
Your win's a myth I'll soon debunk: the score is two to naught.
Ed
While your verses are static, Ed does acrobatics and backflips
My schematics emphatically leave you breathless like an asthmatic
It's problematic, your impression of me as someone that can be disposed
I'll give you an Icehawk lesson: your luster's soon to be exposed
Like Gen'ral Custer with dysentery you'll take this last stand sitting down
They'll have to rewrite the dictionary to make Total Shutout a proper noun
I drive a lyrical Mercedes while you're stuck in Grandma's Chevy, sir
Could empty the Euphrates and its flow would still be heavier
You're talentless and barren like an infertile Kardashian chick
You're just like the other Darren: a Sargent in the realm of Dick
Go lick your wounds and shift into your best defensive stances
Cause everyone can see you blew your first and second chances.
Quarterfinal 2: (2.) Giggs vs. (7.) AID[]
~The Raps~
AID
First verse goes to me with Giggs lethargic in recovery
He’s fine, had a lobotomy, for him that’s cosmetic surgery
But he first needed a colostomy to correct his abnormality
He had his head stuck up his ass (affects the brain’s accessibility)
‘least the switch fits with his nick – his Friends call him Crap Bag
- es wouldn’t touch his ****, so he became the world’s first hag ***
- es wouldn’t touch his ****, so he became the world’s first hag ***
Can’t blame them for avoiding that freakish physiology
Giggs’s ***** is why we know the science of MICRO-biology
And I’m why he’ll cry like Fry - if Fry saw “Jurassic Bark”
‘cause he’s got lockjaw from sucking ****, and I jaw like a shark
My monstrous lines stop his heart - he’s Tony Stark without the Arc
More powerless than Superman if his only name was Clark.
Giggs
Giggs on a higher plane to these lames, as if I'm travellin' through the stratosphere
Spittin' pesticidal flames, killin' Ants and Slugs like I'm battlin' Atmosphere
When I'm done I'll leave your body in a bigger cast than Lost had
Murder one, style Wrath of God on AID like Giggs surpassin' Mossad
Incite sheer terror in opponents like a cactuar would belonephobes
With no errors, rhymes so potent 'cos I swagger like I own the globe
Ain't no parity in this race, Giggs already reached the destination
'Cos AID's a charity case like the Haitian earthquake donations
Lyrical finesse impaled ya with orations of straight devastation
Tell me, Princess Consuela, did you not foresee this situation?
Spittin' raps devoid of heart & soul like a Faust/Tin Man collaboration
And you'll be fantasizin' 'bout my dick size after this verbal castration
AID
you’re in the stratosphere for rill, fallin’ like a leaf in autumn
two things you share with Peggy Hill: you won’t slow till the bottom,
and you’re a sub-level teacher of a language you don’t know
in your case rap – you follow that? it’s hard for me to go slow
‘cause I warp space-time with lines spat at impossible velocities
while you use mental grandiosity to write lyrical atrocities
rhymes so full of inanity are clearly crimes against humanity
I guess now you’re a Hague *** - you better plead insanity
and forget the ****s for once, your brain’s had all the shrinkage
if the apes were all retraded I’d think you’re the missing linkage
based on your demonstration, the only flow you create is blood
skip your second menstruation, this battle ends with MY period.
Giggs
Quarterfinal 4: (3.) Alec vs. (6.) sonicblastpunch[]
~The Raps~
sbp
the shame and fear on your face when you know i'm your opponent
realizing you can't take on me, take me on, is your a-ha moment
hunting high and low but you've no skills or power to prevent
your career being mc hammer's royalties -- completely spent
if talent were spanish cash you'd be straight bankrupt, zero dineros
now your sean bean's slaughtered by my lyrical uruk-hai arrows
boromir, hell, bore-us-all has always been your strategy
shutting the crowds down cold like boris grishenko, just sad to see
you claim invincibility but can't even put up a fight
dreamed of being a smart-alec but never had that first part right
ain't my fault there's no role for you, you played yourself, it's sad but true
it's just my job like nik khrushchev that i've come here to bury you
Alec
I'm so bored by sir sonic, left damn near catatonic
Better raps from Alanis, gee now aint that ironic
Hear you once was Amazin', just like the '69 Mets
Now you're both known for failures that we can never forget
Gonna have to work faster, up against a diss master
Looks like this s is BP cuz his flow's a disaster!
Dropping rhymes that are pointless like they're breasts without nipples
His delivery's special like olympics for cripples
Less wanted than a gay guy, who is allergic to nuts
Like some pre-Abraham Jews, it seems you don't make the cut
I'll Highlight all your failures, like you're Goofus I'm Gallant
We need an Amber Alert, cuz you're missing the talent!
sbp
how unfortunate for you to have invoked my annual ascension
to a skillset far beyond your mortal comprehension
you took three parts of my name in vain, incurred my vengeful trinity
and thus you'll die a thousand deaths as proof of my divinity
cry "oh my god" like joseph joestar when my wrath leaves you bereft
and try to pray like paula polestar but you're dead with eight turns left
you came to fight a madman and you found a god, should've known that
i'll snatch your skull straight through your face and wear it like a cubone hat
toss organs to the buzzards, leave your feeble bones in little piles
and give your skin to goodwill as the greasiest of textiles
you've no chance 'gainst my maxed-out stats, it's ninety-nine i'm leveling --
enjoy your grave, alec, 'cause that's the only place you're trevel-ling
Alec
sbp's tries are over, at last we all can rejoice
Finding keepers in his raps is like a backwards Sophie's Choice
punch can't compete with elites, with all those raps obsolete
His rap thermometer's broke, he just can't rise with the heat
Must be inclined to resign, against a mind most refined
My raps like psychic hookers, cuz they'll be blowing your mind
Now I'm spreading my pro seed, so just watch how my prose breeds
I'm dropping lines that so dope, make box seats become nosebleeds
Bringin' it Home like Sam Cooke, by rappin' gods you're forsook,
Hear that ringing, Telephone, cuz AlecTrev's off the hook!
Now with your bandwagon gone, and your fanbase diminished
You ain't no Icehawk project, cuz sonic -- you're finished
Quarterfinal 4: (4.) Digi vs. (5.) DC[]
~The Score~
Digi: Forfeits
DC: Wins by forfeit
~The Raps~
Digi
Digi is back, rappin’ all up in this topic and he’s unbelievable
Got my lyric holster strappin, my victory is achievable
I brought the bomb squad with me, practical in my mind
I told ‘em my raps was droppin’ soon, tactical in every line
DC you’re about to get run like a red light, so drop the mic
You see, gon’ get shunned like a dead mite, on top I strike
There aren’t enough adjectives to describe the beatdown you’ll receive
But a box full of laxatives I’ll prescribe, put the seat down and heave
I’m a veteran of rap, embedded in it’s history
You’re threaded in with crap, bedded in mystery
My lines leave you confused, like a homeless on house arrest
No resistance, you ohmless, just give that mouth a rest.
DC
My multi-syllables are strongly visible, metaphors/similes discredit yours consistently.
I've long belittled Digi and his abilities - but I guess less is more to him it seems.
You'll be parting from Saints Row, drop the mic and grab a harp and a halo - whine if you must.
I'll just laugh as you suffer, force feed your ashes to your mother... and another one bites the dust!
It's not smart to go to war with this machine, I got nukes and more for the victory.
And it's been settled I'm on a higher level - so please step up your delivery.
You're not a sick MC or a thug with bars, you couldn't hustle parts of muscle cars.
This is golf in the hood so easy tiger, or you'll find your balls in the woods for not bein' up to par!
Noone begged you to show and battle me, but since you're here I'll throw some blows for those.
Who admire my flow, runnin' through foes - more than a step ahead, I'm Usain Bolt.
So you take notes of DC's quotes, I want a reason to blow and got tanks if beef is waitin'.
Digi's in 'A League of Their Own' starring opposite of Tom Hanks - piece of cake, cinch!
Digi
DC
Semifinals[]
Semifinal 1: (1.) Ed Bellis vs. (6.) sbp[]
~The Score~ Ed: - 8 sbp: - 10 (AFTER TIE-BREAK)
~The Raps~
sbp
old bellis won't be so bellicose when i tear through his varicose
veins, leave no way to dodge my lucha moves like el generico's
like rorschach thirty-five minutes too late, you're powerless to stop this
splatter in the snow when you bomb like the scott pilgrim box office
you can't slow my cashflow roll, it's absolute terror i'm sellin'
when i liquidate you like the end of end of evangelion
i'm the big boss, naked snake, ain't takin' no virtuous mission
i'll fire straight at your face like koby clemens when roger's pitchin'
you just ain't com-pettitte-ive -- thought you were good, you misremembered
i'll bring the earthbound mu training to render you dis-a-membered
under pressure you're just bonkers' rabbit pal, you fall apart
so when this slaughter's said and done your corpse won't fill a cuisinart
Ed
Like a suicidal botanist you've sown the seeds of your demise
To stop your rhymes monotonous I'd bestow to you a Nobel Prize
In fields of science (because who knew the missing link could read and type)
And also physics (your work's a brand new symbol for 'coefficient of tripe')
Like a broken pipe you're disconnected if you think your rhymes are dope
Cokes should have had a sign erected: “SBP, abandon hope”
You ain't big, boss, you're a pretender, just Learning to Crawl (but special you're not)
For lyrical crimes you're a repeat offender like fat chicks wearing polka dots
Here's a Gordian Knot, an unsolvable maze: who let you pretend to have skill
If you never rapped for the rest of your days it would be an act of goodwill
Your future's been foretold, it's true, the end of your lifespan
Because 'sonicblastpunch' anagrams into 'Tossup? Clinch – ban.'
sbp
very kind of you to throw the match without even throwing a fist
your science so misguided as to turn the crowd creationist
can't hide behind that labcoat, it's translucent, my illumination
highlights the outlines of your outdated grade eight education
can't work bunsen burners to turn up the heat, no flame to fear
talent expressed in warmth makes you the clear absolute zero here
with me standing above, your problems thus impossible to solve
like dennis hopper's koopa you're nothing but slime, you've been devolved
you're just the fungus no one trusts, among us you're the saddest joke
so like lust the homunculus you'll die as dust amidst the smoke
should have proofread your own name but you'd been too overzealous
and your missing n filled in completes the match result, end bellis
Ed
You put the 'BP' in your nom de guerre because you're crude and unrefined
Like cheaters who play solitaire you should have mentally resigned
You must be blind, let me remind you: think you've won? Correction:
They'll redefine 'kicked in behind' with a picture of your rectum
I done wrecked him, didn't expect him to really make this matter
Let's eject him and dissect him like a car-crash-caught cadaver
The fact is you're just second-rate, the Genie down to my Jafar
If you were a prosecutor? Great – you're banned from rap due to 'dis bar'
The audience is filled with fright, they're sending you some censures
Your bark is much worse than your bite, like a pair of Doggy Dentures
And should I somehow die tonight let this be my valedictory:
I'll see you in the finals' spotlight, looking back in victory.
TIEBREAKER ROUND
sbp
i'm the brainbuster, drop you turnbuckle to floor like r. mika
overwhelming your psyche like the dream parade in paprika
you dream of breaking out huge but that's straight delusion grandiose
you're grover 'gainst my godzilla, this monster fight ain't even close
you only scare the buffet tables, nothing monstrous but your waist size
just a bloated white-ass kracko straight out of dedede's skies
you're just the brawl to my melee -- that's fact, son, that's just common sense
you come out second, disappoint, and trip over your own offense
your rap beef is the stalest, no moo-vement, fan interest flat like jerky
our thanksgiving friends up north will watch me carve you like eh-turkey
crowd begging for my axe like they're dutch schaefer, get to the chopper --
thwack! your tongue's been cleaved in half, the proper conversation stopper
Ed
My capacity for lyrical voracity makes you look like a travesty
Come back after some practicing, and I'll still sew you up like a tapestry
With my savagery I make people fall so hard they redefine gravity
Tried to brush me off? Bad strategy – can't drill past this cavity!
Just call me 'Your Majesty,' Godzilla – I'll be King Ghidorah, see
To defy me is blasphemy, blast you with bolts of breath-based energy
And you can be the Melee, stat; you're just old-fashioned fascination
Like a Fox without a Home-Run Bat this is your Final Destination
Time for lyrical amputation as I swipe your fingers from your brain
(Though honestly with how you usually type it'll probably look the same)
My oration's your negation, any less from me would be improper
The thought of you winning this altercation – now that's a conversation stopper.
Semifinal 2: (2.) Giggs vs. (5.) DC[]
~The Raps~
DC
He received a fixed crown to the 2nd seed but I'm still in doubt he's a test for me.
So with techs and big rugers, I'll put an end to Giggs future - without the vasectomy.
It's true that D is hot with scripts - G drops putrid lines, some rotten ****.
And I'll have his ass lookin' forward to the end - like a suicidal optimist!
I've got the itch to bury and my name alone makes your mission scary.
If it's a challenge you send, I'll never back down - like boys in missionary.
What's up your sleeves? You'll need some precocious magic, like midget fairies.
Oh, Giggsalot! You're the kid I thought put the word '*****' in 'obituary'!
Giggles is just brainless with his plan to be famous.
His weak flow, fairy piss rhymes can't touch my greatness.
I did not plan out this great diss, it just comes instantaneous.
Only time his punches are the **** is when his hands in his anus!
Giggs
Seems there's no power left in D.C., your sheer ineptitude's surprising
Just like Red when he sees Eevees, seems it's time for an uprising
Nothing said in twelve near-paragraphs, have you considered downsizing?
No dread, no brains, no hardened graft; but here's something far more enticing
Your style's a fraud like Jebediah, see, while mine's perfectly cromulent
So prominent; I'm the G to your D, but it's Chemist that's sub-dominant
And y'all can't kill me like your punchlines are all gravity-based
Your scrawl's unskilled and this is crunch time: how'd them cavities taste?
Giggs grunt rhymes depravity-laced, this visionary never stops
And yo, this battle's only like missionary because Giggs is on top
You best know that I'm perverse, done tapped your momma like a police wire
And after just one verse, old chap, you're beggin' for a ceasefire.
DCYou're weak with your flows, my speeches are gold.
And I'm beatin' this foe 'til his brain leaks through his nose.
And seeps to his toes while I sharpen a blade.
Scar his heart with a spade and then put a spark to his grave.
Darkness invades with every pardon I've made.
With sicker beats than if I sprayed my garden with AIDs.
You're ******** in ways and claim you're fresh.
Well, I'm named as the best - insane, slaying with text.
Maimin' your flesh, smearin' your brain on your chest.
Usin' fangs to inject severe pain to your rec.
Puttin' this lame kid to rest like a cripple to bed.
His parents are midget cousins which makes him a little inbred.
Giggs
Giggs pissin' on opposition, treat D.C. like a urinal cake
Have you callin' up physicians to complain about vaginal ache
If this match was on serve it looks like I just earned the vital break
Nothin' left to conserve, *****, there's a place in the final at stake!
I've seen more vigorous spraying from ******es armed with vibrators
But I'm delayin' this slayin', Chemist, best prepare to die later
See what I'm sayin' is venomous, Giggs garnering praises so generous
Divine lines filled with blessedness, preachers callin' this the genesis
But in this battle you're detritus, with voice quivering so tremulous
Right hook jabs you like tetanus; leave your future lookin' tenebrous
D.C.'s condition's perilous, faint hopes dangling on the precipice
And man, you used to be the king but Giggs just turned you emeritus
Finals[]
Finals: sbp vs. Giggs[]
~The Raps~
sbp
surely even senses slow as yours must note imbalances at play
when you can't hit broad sides of barns and i drop bullseyes miles away
talent breeds accuracy, that's why you only prattle errata
forever underwhelming, third-stringer like radim vrbata
your intifada's child's play -- you're throwing rocks, i'm dropping bombs
my shrapnel slicing through your silence 'fore your brain can sound ala'ms
napalm'll scorch your corpse, your skin all shrunken like sultanas
body twisted like cronenberg flicks, face busted like rihanna's
but don't unfold no umbrella, there's no whether here, just certainty
i'll gun you down onstage like the chechen theater insurgency
i'm putin on this clinic so you'll learn something, don't act upset
just be proud you got second despite never posing any threat
Giggs
A rappin' clinic, sonic? What you're putin' on really is just stalin',
Whole verse lenin' on obscure references, your tsar is clearly fallin
Gettin' so many negative responses you'd think your verse was anionic
While I bring in the rap renaissance with flows infernal and demonic
Would turn this whole league tragicomic if they declared SBP winner
'Cos I've ripped apart wrappers ten times hotter than you on TV dinners
And if there's on-stage gunfightin' you'll be the Dimebag Darrell figure
Whole life flashin' backwards before your eyes; bullet, barrel, trigger
Doomed to eternal second place just like a rappin' Flintheart Glomgold
It's obvious your skill's left ya, it's clear to see your art's gone cold
Craftin' new worlds like I'm Kefka, prepare for your tectonic doom
And think up a new nom de plume, AT, cos Giggs' gon' make sonic BOOM
sbp
no surprise you'd id'lize kefka, closest counterpart you'd know here:
shallow clown whose disappointing contest strength tops out at low-tier
lettuce note how hard the crowd hate-hate-hate-hates you, they've got me set on
hurling imp halberds through your forehead applied direct like head-on
dead on arrival, you're a goner, no train-ing'll break your fall
ain't no life 3 revival when you started with no life at all
you morbidly obese shut-in, your malnourished brain pitching fits
gobbling down microwave dinners like hungry lumas gulp starbits
thieving from ducktales reruns to fake intellectual insight
your food-stuffed maw just dribbling out all your blathering blatherskite
you stunted, corpulent man-child, can't even fake maturity
your name's crayoned upon your lifetime contract with obscurity
Giggs
Giggs beat the final boss with gumption, time to escape the crumbling dungeon
'Cos like your raps it seems this architechture just don't ****in' function
Excuse my French, but man you ain't got the Gaul to use ****in' Asterix
I'm crouched in my trench, responsible for all your sunken battleships
With each word you spit relying on your non-existent rappin' Pedigree
I'll stick your head between my thighs an' have you wishin' you could pleasure me
But my motive ain't sexual, just enforcin' the rightful hierarchy
'Cos in all matters lexical I soar, while your flights expire sharply
Aiyyo, S - B - P ; you're gettin' gunned up and clapped quick
'Cos your whole ****in' persona damn near borders on slapstick
Meanwhile Giggs on this rap shtick spits so raw that he need chapstick
And done delivered some Ether **** 'cos S.B.P.'s lost all his magic
See Also[]