The Fourth Week of the Board 8 RAP BATTLE: tha LEAGUE 3 Tournament.
~Week 4~[]
Battle 1: Chrono1219 vs. Wigs[]
~The Score~
Chrono1219: 3
Wigs: 6
~The Raps~
Chrono1219
There's something off about you. Your vibe, your complexion.
Not even surgery would do. You'll never survive this perfection.
What you need fixed is not physical, not mechanical, or even spiritual.
When you kneel to get lyrical, for something magical, pray for a miracle.
Maybe I put an idea in your head, no it's not inception.
But you might have been lead to go a new direction.
Cause I'm hellbent on spreading the word, the rhyme, what needs to be heard
You getting into heaven, that's absurd, with your crime, but I have the cure.
You'll meet your end somewhere in eternal damnation.
Then everyone else would scream in celebration.
Cause life's about the living, the dying, and what's in the middle.
But you ended up giving up trying cause your chances were so little.
Wigs
If you can't read me, time to worry, can't handle shit so complex
The unseeing "i'" sees only imaginary, my four "i's" are visionary next
Your flow's flyin' all over the place, like your sight's gone dark and blurry
Got no idea how to rap straight, Helen Keller's a better visionary
"I won't survive your perfection"?, that statement's a joke, meerly feeble
This rap's pumpin' my insurrection, yours is Ono breakin' The Beatles
Like a druggie whose preppin', see you crashin' like a lead zeppelin
See you from afar when I'm high-steppin, just ascendin' a Stairway to Heaven
My rap's flyin' like an Aviator, you're lost in waters uncharted,
Your raps a "chron"ic masturbater, and I don't pray for your Departed
Ain't no way to Catch Me If You Can, so lay down and let me be your Leo
You better believe this is an Inception, cuz I can tell yer dreamin' of Ryoko
Chrono1219
Almost thought you were a wise one, but I guess yous been trollin'
Oh, really now you think you've won? You must be rickrolling.
What is this I don't even, why you're not even being serious.
Catatonic? You've lost this war, joker you're delirious.
I'm the highest evolution, dance, son don't disappoint.
I'm starting a world revolution, doper than a joint.
Maybe I'd have let you finish, but you didn't have anything good to say.
This battle, you can't win it, even if you had over 9000 tries a day.
You're nothing special just an average homeboy, not even a little like a superstar.
I can see through the lie you employed, it was cake, like you after I played my crush card.
You might think I triggered your trap, you might think I got up and ran.
Are you serial? I owned your rap, this was just all part of the plan.
Wigs
Overloadin' in ancient meme mockery? Well, better stop n' save some face.
Don't wanna hear your lameass crockery, shocked you forwent 'All Your Base'
All hung up on lame internet fads, you'd think you'd have some kinda limit
But dude yes really, you are that bad, I'd rather see some by LinkTheMidgit.
Endin' this battle like I'm Kerrigan, s'over before my explosives lighted
Shorter than the war Spanish-American, this Brood War is one-sided.
Can't figure out how to roll your weed, rap blander than chewin' tobacco
Your flow's much preachier than Creed, I'm rhymin' the countries like Wakko
You must think you're a funny now, but I've heard a much cleverer maggot
This isn't stand-up, It's fuckin' rap, pal. Go back to Full House, Bob Saget.
Here's some advice though before you die, since, alas, you are merely mortal.
Since of course the cake ISN'T a lie. So find some time to play Portal
Battle 2: Pats D vs. Justin Crossing[]
~The Score~
Pats D: 7
Justin Crossing: 6
~The Raps~
Pats D
Well what do we have here? A la-zy JC?
Doesn't like going first, or doesn't wanna pace me?
It's cool whichever is, the rule you wanna follow
Even if your mouth is jizzed, and you don't wanna swallow
Don't lynch me ya queer cuz I am da bomb
I'll blow you out this show and ## Your Mom
I'm not just king of all of prose, I'm also king of all the hoes
I'm doggy stylin' bitches 'fore you even get to touch their clothes
And 'fore you say I'm just a fad go ask the sluts that lust me bad
I'm here to stay you bitch but hey the voters even say "u mad"
So don't be tryin' your replyin' that's denyin' history
My entourage already's cryin' Johnny Drama "VICTORY!"
Justin Crossing
You enter my territory and then call me lazy
Is it just me or is your memory all hazy
I'm not the one who has to keep up the pace
I seem to recall a certain someone got replaced
So maybe you'll bow to the real Pats D
The one and only, untarnished, invincible JC
And do you really want me to bring out the big one?
I'll make your dick metaphoric to a child's squirt gun
All those hoes can't possibly enjoy when you poke her
Cause for me i've the torrent of a new super soaker
So why don't you settle back down in your seat
I won't hesitate to pull the trigger when you can't take the heat
Pats D
Well OMG, Patty D, came outta retirement
You wondered where the fire went, well here I am it's time to spit
The kind of shit I fire with is like a die roll, highest wins
You're lyin' if you tryin' to fly a little higher than
Me, Jay Cee to fight you I'll just light a blizz
I'm over you more than Eminem is that Mariah slizz
The fighter in you's cryin' n dyin' cuz he was slighted n'
Don't fuckin' try to inquire what happened to inspire it
You might just feel entitled to try to rewrite a lot of it
But I'd bust out a reference that hadn't even been cited yet
You tired yet? You tryna quit? I'm crushin racks of Heineken
Cuz I'm the Champion of this League. You're fired, no rehirin'.
Justin Crossing
That was so abysmal I was tempted not to respond
I'm in a rap battle with a lyrical vagabond
Nobody cares if you retired and returned
Reading your lyrics is just salt on your burns
Retirement and spit don't even have a syllable in common
So just go rot somewhere dark, the way of Tutankhamun
And oh no not the heineken, the "beautiful nectar"
Good joke. It's beer. Thousands of bottles per hectare
So why don't you fall on the ground in the fetal position
While I Captain Morgan your ass and go leg up on what you're dishin
You're a drink for weaklings and shities, a rasberry martini
So head over with Spongebob, and be a junior weenie
Battle 3: Realo vs. Colonel Alloy[]
~The Score~
Realo: 9
Colonel Alloy: 1
~The Raps~
Realo
Close the win-dows when the Cold Wind Blows---you actress,
You're sleeping on the King like a California mattress
You're boring me, I only speak to royalty out of loyalty
So clearly I'm Talkin to Myself when I say I'm speakin royally
I'm On Fire and Won't Back Down, but I might laugh hearty
Cuz it's a blast, when I smash this White Trash's Party
I spray the stainless and leave this Colonel brainless
He let his dick slip and got some tits fit,
"said he was going through some changes"
Told me he's Not Afraid of Seduction from a chick
He just likes the way guys smell
So gets No Love from anything without a dick
Colonel Alloy
You say you're royalty but I see you're a jester,
some peasant mutha shita who lets his wounds fester,
Pawnin' off your Petty m&m's like they're treasure, Bruce?
This ain't a trivia contest, your shit is obtuse!
A navel-gazing name dropper? Yeah, you match that description
So take your head out of your ass, I'll write a prescription
like those junkies at Realo's Drugs though, i gotta give warning
I'll put two slugs in your chest, you won't call in the morning.
You're gonna bleed in the ditch, like a gutter whore
It's gonna hurt like a bitch, like I buttered the floor
The Colonel's back in business, herbs spices and all
You can ask your mom, she's been workin' my balls
Realo
You're a chump to me, catchin ass whoopins like Steve Largent
Colonel Alloy's gettin demoted down to Copper and Zinc Sergeant
Your rap was so whack I wasn't sure that it had started
I'm the Frank Costello of rap, you're soon to be Departed
Or deported, or extorted, or bombed or whatever
Your girl wouldn't get off my damn schlong if I let her
She sucks dick for so long my dong just bust feathers
Then says,"Compared to Alloy, Realo your songs are just better"
Got you tethered, your storm was weathered--now I'm dancin like King Louie
Spittin in your face over and over like stringed loogies
Your record after this battle will be screened like dinged movies
While my "Score" is grammy nominated like the Fugees
Colonel Alloy
Nice asterisk. You leave footnotes? I leave boot prints,
Nancy Sinatra style, and your face'll be pulp after a while.
Alloy/Realo?, don't be on the fence, this is common sense,
sorry I had to dispense with the face kicks, and for the skull dents,
but all the chicks will agree they were improvements.
So go rinse your nicks and bruises, there's no shame in losin',
but take my two cents before I dole out another contusion:
The Conductor's Sick, you should leave the station,
you're not slick, stop with the referential masturbation,
just a broke ass trick with a gimmick fixation.
Enlist today! Would you like to know more?
You can be my private, there's no need to be sore.
Battle 4: foolmo vs. Minipooot[]
~The Score~
~The Raps~
foolmo
Back on this minipoot course it's your fa-vo-rite emcee
Hole-in-one, one after one, of course I'm talkin' 'bout me
You wanna be like DC, but I won't let you flee
I've got my Ph.D, you're stuck on ABCs
You're five sigmas below, you suck statistically
Tilt your head up to see, high on a throne above thee
Raining down your destruction, complete and utterly
That you could beat me, you see no one would agree
You think you're safe, sippin' your little lemon iced tea
Lights off, door locked, fappin' to Artie from Glee
Get off your ass and show us your twelve-line inadequacy
Ironic it would be, if this last line didn't rhyme
Minipooot
I arrive at this fight with more balls than Ash Ketchum
You're Mr. Mime tonight, on your knees slurpin' up cum
My words sting harder than Beedrill, shock you more than Raichu
I'm the one you cannot kill, elusive like Mew
I'm iller than ill, like Mankey you belong in a zoo
I got a PC like Bill, gonna slay and then store you
Ironic it would be if you thought you could beat the master
Like Groudon I attack, causin' a natural disaster
You're the self-proclaimed fool, with an IQ of four
Imma take you to school, like Trebek your mother's a whore
Girls laugh at your Diglet but gaze at my Arbok
I ain't gonna break a sweat when I beat you with my cock
foolmo
You tryin' to make me faint with your one fifty and one?
Go back to Pallet town , you're down one fifty to none
No theme could excuse such a sorry display, this is a game, boy, you ready to play?
Your raps are so bad, readers 360 and sprint the shit away
Like SIXAXIS, you suck-at-this, your PC's way underclocked
My super-effective Dig diss, rumbles more than Dualshock
You think you're in your prime, but you've already lost with that rhyme
Though I can't say this is the Genesis, you've failed since before time
You're flat-out pathetic, you'll never live up to your Dream
Cast away any hope of success, drop your life like a connection to Steam
No woman in the world would talk to you, let alone say "I do"
Other than maybe to ask, "You bought an N-Gage, didn't you?"
Minipooot
My words come at you blazin' more than Cheech and Chong
Gonna use my kung fu to hit you harder than a bong
Like Billy Mitchell you can't stop me cause I'm the King of Kong
Doctor Poot is in the house- there's been a complication
Words shoved so far up your ass gonna cause some constipation
I'm like Arnold with predation, it'll end with elimination
Just like the governator, gonna sign for your termination
I bring doom and annihilation, you ain't got no salvation
Want a quick end with strangulation? Ha, for you it's immolation
I hit you with words so deep you'll be lost in translation
Bought the N-Gage with pleasure, though there's just one game I like
Like Solano I descend- bitch, it's time to strike
Battle 5: Mer vs. Boko[]
~The Score~
~The Raps~
Mer
Boko
Mer
Boko
Battle 6: Cokes vs. Menji[]
~The Score~
~The Raps~
Cokes
Here to beat Menji's ass like Diana Taurasi
Got trilla rhymes than Rick Ross, o lawd I'm so bossy
Most long-time RAP BATTLErs know better than to cross me
But Menj's development's arrested like Portia di Rossi
Or maybe more like Terry Schiavo, braindead but still blinkin'
He thought he could rhyme; his mama musta done too much drinkin'
As he's readin' this, his confidence is prob'ly shrinkin'
Know's he's goin' down like the Luisitania's sinkin'
I know he's more scared of me than he is of escalators
Cuz he can't hope to match up with the Great Communicator,
the dream deflator, makin' Menji an organ donator
Chalk up another one to Cokes, the life abbrvtr.
Menji
I can beat rappers, runners, and any WNBA All-Star
You’ll never be any of those, so shelve your dreams like a cookie jar
While you’re there, grab the piggy bank ‘cause I’m in need of a donation
Contributing to your agitation is the latest charity sensation
I abbreviate your sleep, keep you thinkin’ of a comeback
One’s not enough ‘cause my disses endless like a runnin’ track
‘cept this track leaves you Breathless, sleep is what you crave
Critics rave my raps so revolutionary they callin’ me ‘new wave’
Call yourself ‘Great Communicator’ but you’re just a second-rate translator
Traveled to Germany and you proclaimed yourself the ‘Great Dictator’
Users proclaim my rap, “spectacular” I’m declared the winner as was fated
The Board is condemning you for shitty vernacular - your rap was hated.
Cokes
You couldn't outrun B.I.G., couldn't outrap Sheryl Swoopes
And you damn sure can't beat Jackie Joyner shootin' hoops
It's hysterical that you think that you can battle me
Doesn't matter the arena, you'll still perform laughably
And it's clear you need donations 'cause your flow is straight broke
Charity should be called "Menji's Fund to Not Get Smoked"
And you're backwards 'bout sleep, your verse set me to dozin' twice
Twenty-four hours over two nights, all that reast was quite nice
Not dictating; benevolent like Chancellor Merkel
You made disastrous rhymes, you're like a rappin' Steve Urkel
I'm B8's Hova, to the voters, this battle started over
Start it over, same result, blown up like a supernova
Menji
In two day’s time: I outrapped B.I.G. – crownin’ me Notorious
Outjumped Joyner straight into her pants, it was laborious
Created you, the bastard, straight up makin’ ya’ inglorious
Renamed Sheryl’s shoes after me ‘cause I’m more meritorious
Unlike you, took no breaks ‘cause I’m clearly unstoppable
Subbed for Leno ‘cause my performances are laughable
Jokes snapped the crowd out from their state of gentle stillness
My Urkel impersonation often mistaken for a real mental illness
Took the crowd to the movies to see the start of our battle
Your rap so bad they left like Sonic real quick out of Seattle
Lastly, raised two mil’ in the battle against lung cancer
Signed the check to ALA, as Menji, the lyrical answer
Battle 7: Swordsman vs. Curt[]
~The Score~
Swordsman: W
Curt: DQ
~The Raps~
Swordsman
Your ego’s runnin wild so it’s time that I expose you
I’m primed to spit lines that’ll beat you like the hoes do
cause they asked you for the cash but you blew it on your fines due
for backing out of battles and to clean the crap your mind spews.
Take no breaks from smashing fools to bring a theme back from the old school
I’m tearing down your castles, save the princess known as Toadstool
Bowser with no fire, even I can’t save your ailing flows
Your failures show, call you Hammer cause you’re nailing Bros.
On my boots are death sentences, give footnotes with my appendages
I wrote the book on rap and you ain’t even in the appendixes
You bitch about your losses but the crowd knows you like to choke
You can’t spit heat so blame defeat on the antivotes.
Curt
Sick piss on this hick with trick lyrical kicks
cuz I'm too slick for his shtick so this penis's shitin' bricks
'n I slaughter weak lyricist's shrill spills for cheap thrills
need an exorcist 'n pills to keep me from creepin' kills
get ready for the lynch, pray, you know the drill bitch
I drop the hammer down cuz you flinch ev'ry time I twitch
switch it, your writing 'the book' couldn't be less true
if we compared our books I'm the bible you're 'everybody poops'
which means i'm raining brimstone 'n fire ev'ry time I spit
quit it man you're paining me, cuz evrethin' you write is shit.
the cain to your abel ho--me know god doesn't like it though
so bend over homie cuz this rod is only fucking you 'bro'
Swordsman
No DQ needed cause I’ll smash you unimpeded
It’d be best if you conceded ‘fore your ass beating’s repeated.
You can quote the bible but all you write is fiction
There ain’t more to Curt than dick jokes and shitty diction
Everybody poops but I shit the truth and you’re just crappin’
The whole board knows you suck but I leave the masses clappin’
You started getting biblical, so hit a bowl and chill.
Just cause you rhymed the syllable doesn’t make you “ill”
But still you’re dying rapidly from lacking originality
You ain't in my league, I can’t believe Cokes made you battle me
This is the second fatality, redundant but now you have to see
I crushed you, I rushed you when all you had was a hatchery.
Battle 8: jdizzy vs. Alec[]
~The Score~
~The Raps~
jdizzy
Your attention please you see I have an announcement to make
a natural disasters occured, nope not an earthquake
the body count is pretty low only one reported death
so can we get a moment of silence for Mr Alec Trev
Scratch that, fuck a theme, I turn dreams to nightmares
Your struggling is useless like trying to fight air
I cant be touched but I aint from India
Im in a way higher class, hows that for Brahman trivia?
Get it? i go hard and insert
rappers that battle me all end up butt hurt
"Im a warrior"! boondocks, you can be my squire
not Busta but Im sure to light yo ass on fire!
Alec
If you were a Tsar you’d be J-Dizzy the Terrible
Cuz your rhymes are subpar and your flow is unbearable
Was your one win on LOST, it’s a true unsolved mystery
I’ll make sure it gets tossed, cuz the winners write history
You think you got a chance against Alec the Bard?
Boy I drink up emcees like I’m jp, they’re lard
I’ll bombard til you’re scarred, burn you up til you’re charred
Best call me Bruce Willis cuz I make you Die Hard
If your rappin' were actin' then Keanu’d have you beat
Tough actin’ like Tinactin, I’ll help you deal with defeat
As you beat a retreat cuz you can’t stand the heat
Go to your last post, then message detail -- delete
jdizzy
I cause heartattacks and tears like a "baby im late" text
My victory's guaranteed like abstinence, shit safe sex
Everything thing I do is raw, both your chick and my rhythms
Not a believer? ask her she should be showing up any time(now)
Before you Greet her with a KISS have her wash her mouth out
Else you'll be sampling my seed from when she went down south
To her im DOCTOR LOVE Phd, a.k.a house
She loves my cane, and like those pills, I always POP in her mouf
SNAP.CRACKLE.Thats the sound of broken spines
permanent damage, no way that you'll recover from those lines
You think it couldn't get worst? well this last line is unbearable
Its my name that she screams when yall shit, now THAT'S terrible
Alec
You try to throw punches but they all disappear
You got two straight no hitters just like John Vander Meer
Watch me throw perfect game, like I'm Dallas or Doc
Then I'll hit up your dame, loves my phallus, eats cock
I hear you can't get to second, but she's giving me dome
Guess you should call me Jacoby cuz I'm straight stealing home
Your Griff's second stint in Seattle, career over, its sad
Is this Field of Dreams, cuz you wanna catch for your dad
Like the Bad News Bears, not even best in YOUR tale
You the Mets in September? Cuz you redefine fail
j-dizz ain't Major League, don't take nine innings ta see
He lovin' da ball games, but him winning? That's fantasy.
Battle 9: ExTha vs. BBallman[]
~The Score~
~The Raps~
ExTha
Ya’ll starting to appreciate me, you sissy fake G’s?
Last week, got fed two emcees just to satiate me!
Coz I go berserk ferverishly and murk purposely.
I spit pure perversity that’ll straight up pervert yer dreams.
You’re hurt from my words it seems when they hit you unmercifully.
You scribble n’ spittle while I handwrite cursively.
So B-Ball remember last time that I went against ya?
Your votes were like ya dick size, doubled by ExTha,
I left ya.. feelin’ raped like that time TimJab sexed ya.
A horrid experience coz he wore no condom to protect ya.
So you're steppin' to ExTha one more time? You in over your head, boy.
When this rematch is done they gon’ say: “Sweeney... u dead boi.”
BBallman
Best start uppin your game cuz nothin's the same I'm a gat fanatic,
And I'm back at it, make you scared to sleep like a crack addict,
I could just half ass it, you lack tactics,
You'll swallow my disses so bad they'll call you the rap f----t.
In two years your claim to fame is that you beat me once,
You're no winner, I'll eat you for dinner like I just smoked three blunts,
No more of these stunts, Extha's scared, he punts
On third down, he's burned out, so rest in peace chump.
Around here I'm the best, I'll fuck up your damn plan,
What else should I expect from a motherfucking Rams fan.
I'm the law in these lands, like the law of relativity,
This whole board will lose their virginity before you got shit on me.
ExTha
That’s the best you got? I’ll have to spare a laugh.
That verse made less sense than an ertyu paragraph.
Seriously you spit it more robotic than shitin’ Luster
I’ll hit you with hate more vitriolic than MWC can muster.
So buster, sit back and observe my rappin’ clinical.
You’re a house invading fox and boy I got the chemicals.
Nonsensical, that’s what your challenge to me is at best.
And don’t get any confidence, Tim’s just easily impressed.
Coz this battle’s been like yer mom when she met me: fuckin’ banged,
and I’mma change yer name to Tai coz you just got up and HANG’d.
So history’s to repeat itself, another loss just to state your fears.
I treat this battle like an Ulti post, coz I’ve been slaying it for years.
BBallman
I'm a killer they ain't caught me, I'll bury your body they won't find ya,
Your flow was pretty sloppy, should be named your mom's vagina.
You think your good, fuck that, your skills been cut back,
All you've proved is your obsession with TimJab's nut sack.
Your raps are not legit, pack your shit and just quit,
Only time you ever spit is when your finish sucking dick
You best start running quick, cuz I've been learning from the past,
Like next time I fuck your mom I'll bust the next one in her ass.
I don't need more little exthas, while your denying the truth,
I let you win last time to prevent child abuse,
But it's on now, I'm dropping bombs now, call me Atom (Adam)
Cuz there's only one man here and you're starting right at him.
Battle 10: Giggs vs. Tom Bombadil[]
~The Score~
Giggs: 16
Tom Bombadil: 0
~The Raps~
Giggs
Giggs breakin' bad, like I'm cookin' crack down in my chemist-ry lab
But today I'm layin' the smack down like I'm checkin' into rehab
When I'm rhymin' whoever's next to me gets sent right into ecstacy
You be climbin' family trees to find my skill, shit's so hereditary
Ain't Likely to Start Declinin', just a Lyricist Spittin' Deadly rhymes
And you're addicted to my lines, taking the hit every time
See like a junkie on the streets I'll leave you bruised and hurt and broken
You just a punk, accept defeat 'cos you abused the words I've spoken
Victory? You must be joking, check your life support machine
Damn Tom, what the hell you smoking, man, Dimethyltryptamine?
When you started actin' erratic I knew you were on a slippery slope
Turnin' opponents into addicts with these raps, I'm simply dope.
Tom Bombadil
You didn't need to talk drugs, man, we all know you're high
Did you really think that your crappy rhymes would fly?
I don't know what you're smokin' makes you think you'll get by
I'll milk ya dry, make ya cry, tell ya why
"Winners don't do drugs"- it's a simple statement
But just coming clean won't be enough abatement
Cuz when I'm done they're gonna have to pull ya off the pavement
Ya gotta toke just to handle my beratement
You got a bad attitude, and I pity ya, foo'
Today you'll rue, I'll choke ya blue, you can't pull through
Search your heart, you know this to be true-
I'm Tombolo, and that means I'm better than you.
Giggs
Those rhymes were Ed Wood caliber while mine are Johnny Depp styled
Since you're steppin' in for fetus, guess I'll beat you like a step-child
Man, are you reppin' diabeetus? Cos that verse was hella shaky
Tom slack jawin' it like Cletus, when you're finished rapping wake me
'Cos you picked the least suitable username I've ever seen:
To call yourself Tom Bombadil when you can't rhyme is just obscene
With a "Perfect!" on the screen, won't make your fatality wait
Since you can't even live up to your sole personality trait
Could be the weed fumes or the pressure, man, but either way you choked
To spit that "ring a dong dillo!" shit, then ask me what I've smoked?
See the only thing that I'm smokin' in this battle would be you
And like Gandalf said you'd lose the ring, you've lost this battle too.
Tom Bombadil
Hearken now and hear me, cuz you're about to get served
You're gonna learn to fear me, for my namesake is deserved.
Your skill is nowhere near me- I'm pure excellence preserved
You know you should have been leery, cuz your win got Russo Swerved.
It's been the Grail War all along, but you're not even Team Caster
I've got the stronger song, and my feet and rhymes are faster.
You go back to your bong, and quit bothering the Master
Nobody wants your schlong when mine's been carved in alabaster.
I'm just running you through withthese rhymes I've been creating
Like a spear that strikes true, when you've got no armor plating
But your skies are turning blue; the storm has got to be abating
Got no more time for you, because my Goldberry is waiting
Battle 11: Ed Bellis vs RTB[]
~The Score~
Ed Bellis: 9
RTB: 6
~The Raps~
Ed Bellis
You say you spit like crematoriums; that's true, you're full of dead space
RTB, this shit is borin' em; it's me who thrills this fanbase
Descartes is so confused because you suck, therefore you ain't
Be smart – you better choose to duck against rap's Patron Saint
It's time to kneel and praise me, the one-man father, son, and spirit
Do you find my smile crazy? Oh, pretty soon you'll learn to fear it
Can you hear it? It's a stanza heralding your sudden loss
Bitch, I'll be your Tony Danza, a Macabra Who's the Boss
I'll splice you into sections like a poor positioned comma
You're McCain in this election – no you can't, says my Obama
It's change we can believe in – so if you must challenge the gods
Roll your bones and hope for evens; I don't think you'll like these odds.
RTB
Good to see you did your homework, and bit all my punchlines
Could you try some originality – it’s absurd to steal all of mine
Absurd – I call those fight words, I flow so cold my jaw hurts
If loose lips sink ships like I heard, then I guess just call me iceberg.
My lyrics are fresh, more precision than a surgeon's incision
You’re a waste of flesh, I’ll cut you off early like circumcision.
Lyrically I’m an Adonis, Bellis, let’s be honest,
You just aren’t on this level. Hell, why respond bitch?
My skills are one of a kind, rhymes you just can’t get beyond
I’ll give you 12 lines and you won’t even make a dodecagon
Nice to see you took 2 whole weeks to make your stanza
See, when Roll speaks it’s off the dome, f-g, so man up.
Ed Bellis
Man, you can be Adonis but I'll be the beast that gores ya
They'll soon mourn ya like Osiris; listen up, hope I don't 'boar' ya
You may call yourself an iceberg but your shit is barely lukewarm
I'll be rushing you just like Zerg while you barely rap a PUKE STORM
I was misinformed – I truly thought you'd match my Overmind
But you're just some noob who's only fought by stabbing from behind
I guess that means you're used to thrusting motions in the rear
Hell, even I don't shit some dudes in place of a career
I sneered 12 times when you replied; it really made me yawn
It's not the shape, it's what's inside – so please, get poly'gone'
This battle was a lock, it's true – who lost the key? Why, you did
I'm glad I don't put stock in you; our business is concluded.
RTB
This is an expression of aggression against your pathetic transgression
See, in this rap session your rhymes are sub-prime like poetic recession
Oughta be a crime to spit such weak lines all the fucking time,
Ed Bellis, bitch, this battle’s mine with refined lines some call divine,
Read my lines alongside the torah, they’re Revelations calling for your Exodus
And my disciples? I’ve got a plethora, we feel the trepidation when you mess with us
And when I’m done, you’ll succumb just like a dumb bitch craving cum,
You’ve been outdone by Roll since you begun – look how skillful I’ve become.
It’s quixotic to think you’ll win Bellis, my shit is hypnotic like narcotics,
Addictive and psychotic, I’m a straight-up killer– you’re just homoerotic.
Straight up homicide is what I bring, you bring a healthy dose of gay pride
All jokes aside: you told Poot you were king – so they’re gonna call this regicide
Battle 12: Warning Crazy vs. MysteriousStan[]
~The Score~
Warning Crazy: 5
MysteriousStan: 3
~The Raps~
Warning Crazy
I just got done doin something that you’ll never experience
Not without paying a hooker lotsa dollas and cents
A nice long sex session with an extremely pretty lady
The best youll get is jerkin off in ya room to Tom Brady
This guy really thinks he can compete with me
But he’s forever wallowing in mediocrity
If I had to make an analogy for this MysteriousStan
I’d have to say he’s the Board 8 version of Uzbekistan
You entered this rap battle under a false pretense
You can’t think you had rap skills, you aren’t that dense
Well that’s that, I’m pretty sure I’m done here
If you just give up now you got nothin to fear
MysteriousStan
So ya had to go and bring your girl in on this
Sorry to say - but to her, you’re just the side dish
See ya verse was fucking lazy - and in more ways than one
I bet after a minute she mentally checked out and was done.
Being unknown’s better than having ‘handy’ as my greatest accomplishment
Wait - man, I’m Mysterious for a reason - bitch that’s a compliment
I can’t rap? Listen to the crowd - it begs to disagree
They look at me and ask “How’d that kid go oh n’ three?”
For you it’s a paltry “How’d he even get one victory?”
Got no bite no spark of life what ya sayin’s contradictory
Now why ya leavin’ so soon, you’ll miss my valedictory,
See, WC, you’re the one who should be afraid of me.
Warning Crazy
I’m not gonna be able to give you as much as attention as I’d like
You won’t even have to write a second rap, it’ll be a walkover-psych
You see today I’m going to meet the greatest white house resident
Beloved by the people, that’s right, Bill Clinton, Former President
You must be delusional, how is being unknown a good thing?
Been the board five years and what did you bring?
Not a single fucking thing, so I hate to be a contrarian
But you ain’t valedictorian, out of us two you are only salutatorian
In the grand scheme of things I’m a vulture and you’re carrion
I’m a skilled artisan and you are a brutish ugly barbarian
But you know what guys, I learned something today
Stan can’t rap, and in this rap battle he’s only prey
MysteriousStan
Nice to see you put out something new
Wait a tic - I’m getting a sense of déjà vu
Cause that verse was a rehash - version 1.2
Not surprised that was the best you could do
Come back when you gain a bit of credibility
Cause really - your record means shit to me
One win don’t mean you can talk big, WC
Cause by degrees – you’re still a d-rate emcee
You thought you could beat me cause I’m winless
This rap battle you thought you could dismiss
Until I decided to make you my business
Boasting about repeat verses is how you lost this
Battle 13: Seg vs. As I Desire[]
~The Score~
Seg: 0
As I Desire: 9
~The Raps~
Seg
I showed up to play monopoly, I can afford, just got outta jail
one iota away from a full house on the board, I'm alpha male
and omega, supersonic at first breath seg - a genesis, menace at the pen
penance and death sentenced as I desire, I sense amen
got men for hire since I'm higher than heaven yet play with fire like earth and wind
I'm an avid buyer, I know all my votes are worth it in the end
I send this league on a cruise when I blurt out such juicy treats
your candy ass bars'll get desserted for primo luxury suites
but rest assured, every fan I earn with words that turn heads
and let 'em loose like burning birds to separate me from the dead
and your verse won't reverse murder like rum prefixed by red
so panic, titanic, you're sinkin from mixed shots of led
As I Desire
titanic? try the iceberg - I crush hulls and skulls like a rush of zerg
I'm electric, can't surge protect it, your work's weaker than a single erg-
I add the "o sum" (therefore I'm awesome), speeding tire to your playing possum
crimson explosion, it's not a nova it's just ovah, vomit red and it ain't the rum.
don't be glum, you had your run, but you used up your hurt in a single spurt
your lines're duller than watching Curt n' DC flirt, mine shine like Ulti's shirt
call 'em Vapoorize, one squirt n' my words put the turds you blurt into the dirt
you woulda put the ass in carc-ass, instead you're gas, not noble but still inert.
just kidding, that's bad science and you'd see, with your phd in scatology
still your crap hurts you more than me, due to your defecation syncope
ouch - but don't call a nurse, just buy a hearse, 'cause not even hemp'll
numb the burst of this fatal verse, as it's a bullet to the 'temple.
Seg
Good going AID, you lost us amidst your verbal diahrrea
I was droppin BASS philosophy and you have TRBL ideas
Charles Barkley could promote this MC yet no one would vote against me
my intensity sparks darkly, rends foes the density of mince meat
hey we can't see most of the 'berg, guess ninety percent of you is unimportant
the lingering ten seems kinda 'sperged, finger painting and pillow fortin'
yes my retortin will steal your tainted breath, I'm the illest miscreant
or did you forget that the upper noble gases are asphyxiants
got nicked bein shot at with nine mils, I can't stand to lecture
but there's no kind of skill than can gun down decades of granite architecture
see I'm so pro the board buys the work of this messiah for ihome
and crank the volume on it like methylchloroisothiazolinone
As I Desire
course 90% of me's hidden, it's rude to show your dick
my prick's a concealed weapon, didn't click 'cause you got a toothpick
bet it's hard to grip, do you jerk vicariously by driving stick?
know you had to star in a bestial porno just to fuck a chick
title "Bow Chicken Wow Wow" star and soundtrack: Seg
I'm pullin' your leg, they'd only let you 'crack' the egg
(you came first) - I'm gettin' sleazy, point is, you're over easy
condemned the temple to my dozer, dying gasps won't make me wheezy
I flagellate, can't palliate this verbal hate with one last spate
so rapping like you flatulate will hardly make me suffocate
I don't abate, send this "messiah" to hell's gate via fate
'cause I was destined to win, and you did too little too late.
Battle 14: Digi vs. Me Pie Three[]
~The Score~
Digi: 5
Me Pie Three: 0
~The Raps~
Digi
MP3’s a replacement in the league, and in rap he’s lossless
In his basement no fatigue, call him a trap because he crossdress
But your placement against me is a wrap, you’re designed to loss less
Take ya to the pavement take a nap, unrefined and glossless.
Me Pie Three, anotha underage representin’ the youth
Tear you asunder unrelenting, it’s time to learn to the truth
No wonder preventing this death shower wouldn’t require a sleuth
To save yaself you’d need superpowers, a cape and a phone booth
Ya fetal up, turtle and my raps blow by ya
Like a campsite, standin around ya like an open fire
Your raps are quasi and me, I can hear your mic peakin
MP3 is lossy while DI never gets flac for speakin.
Me Pie Three
Maybe you ain't a bad rappa but ya made a bad decision
To spew a senseless verse Mr. DigitalIncision.
That name should be run through dirt, given a tabuu.
Though unlike Smash Bros. I can undo you at my debut.
I'd advise you to set your eyes on the prize anew
Or I'll incise you, digitally, be your demise, adieu.
It's true, I'm underage, mmm, Sixteen an' doin' ya dirt.
Even so, I'm vicious as a marine, chya. Hey, alert!
Me pie just shot DI! Yeah, in the jean skirt. (*snicker*)
Jeez, when dudes do the doggy, ya think his knees hurt?
Well, while they're stitchin him up maybe we'll get a decree.
Of victory to the key MC, me, m-m-me_pie_three.
Digi
Well , MP3, I just read 12 lines 12 times over
And I can't see in your lines better lyrics than the Cliffs of Dover
You didn't even insult me, throw one brag or diss
All you did was consult me about some gay shit
I guess it's good you're not vicious, tryin' to spit with your hard rhymes
You ain't even try to be malicious because you couldn't even kill time
Your spittin' weak, out of control and goin insane
You're crackin' up like puttin bakin soda in cocaine
My lines are so sick and my raps are so dope
That when I get the mic I flow with a doctor's note
So next time you rap at me at least try an affront
I'm like a c-section and I'm a cut above ya, c-nt.
Me Pie Three
Ya "sting" ain't straight, swing! And a miss, strike two.
The king's at the plate, ding! And with this, ya mic's through.
Ooh, ya can't get a hit, no matter how many at-bats.
Yo words make no sense, need a translation like CATS.
Perhaps, if they sold ya trash in China it'd seem okay
That female voice sound fina if they don't know what ya tryna say.
Can't drop a diss? I'm mo concerned about yo balls, D.
Tween ya herps, derps, piss, ya trapped tween walls, see,
Lyrically I'm pullin a gat to yo big gut,
Click clack BLAOW, turn all that fat to a wing nut.
Go write twelve verses, I'll only hafta read em once
To know that I'm on top, like ya hat reading DUNCE
Battle 15: Dilated Chemist vs. Rusty[]
~The Score~
Dilated Chemist: Wins by DQ
Rusty: DQ
~The Raps~
Dilated Chemist
When I spew cannon's erupt from a fueled tandem of lungs.
That shoot flammable puns - cruise, land, and combust.
Boom! Panic and run - we'll see how you handle a punch.
When two anvils are shoved into gloves that bruise granite when swung.
I'm a true cannibal, come - with huge mandible tusks that chew, damage and crush.
You're the whackest clown I've seen - even your balloon animals suck!
This ugly and rusty guy is the incompetent type - he wants to die.
And my verse will hang him from the neck - but please don't call it a tie!
Why lie? I'm the perfect exhibit of fear and my rap styles been called relentless.
This marks the end of your career, queer - there's no way to defend this.
DC's comin' with hurtful rhymes to leave this clown sprawled in stitches.
Rusty's punches are like lesbian marriage groups...cause they're all just misses!
Rusty
You be talkin’ bout punches but yer arms are simply twigs
My punches will make you look like Glenn Danzig
Ya say I want to die but I beat it down better than Roy C. Sullivan
When it comes to rapping, I’m more successful than Alucard’s Plan
Drop tha act I’m throwing lyrical hadokens
I’m thinkin’ I need to get a hold of the shit these fans are smokin’
Your raps being good? Even I knows that’s blasphemy
This is a hole in one when I crack yer head of my golf tee
Callin’ me a clown even though I’m making more money
When I win this battle it will be so goddamn funny
Putting you into retirement is what gets my blood pumpin’
Then the voters will think what you spit is actually bird dumpin’
Dilated Chemist
You're the last disgrace; **** your ranks, kid - I've already past your place.
And smashed your face - my spits are so hot I got propane for an aftertaste.
Your raps a waste, I wonder - what caused thee to battle me?
You lack the grace and thunder - rhymin' 'golf tee' with 'blasphemy'.
Don't be mad at me - look you even rhymed 'Sullivan' with 'plan'.
The fans can't stand your chant - you're unintelligent and bland.
DC is stellar with verses, ordings a letter from perfect.
Cause it's missing the W - like your record! The verdict?
Death! You deserve it - and I'll be wrecking your hearses.
And that's plural people cause my verse'll leave him separate persons.
Don't you step to a wordsmith - spittin' your dung, poo, ****.
There's a time for bad mouthing... but this ain't a kung-fu flick.
Rusty
Battle 16: Aeon Azuran vs. sonicblastpunch[]
~The Score~
Aeon Azuran: 12
sonicblastpunch: 11
~The Raps~
Aeon Azuran
Must be hard to rap between the sonicblastpunchin’
and the mouthful of crap from your chronic assmunchin’
leavin’ STDs on SBP’s face from his uncouth ways
A true waste, this fall from grace; shoulda washed your mouth with toothpaste.
I’m fast-paced, you’re a glacier, too torpid for the board
When I put you in your place all that’s left’ll be a fjord.
In this headliner’s headlights you freeze in suspense
‘Cuz just like a teepee and wigwam, you’re too tense.
When next you reply I’ll see that fear in your eyes
and do something you’d never try: Capitalize.
You’re a lousy faux-poet, a second-rate cummings
That’s why they call you “sloppy seconds” (also all your anal bummings).
sonicblastpunch
don't say i'm being rude or curt in noting that we were both late
but you sure helped to demonstrate an aeon's never worth the wait
you're just a commoner riding the lowest of denominators
talentless and classless hoping ass jokes can be compensators
for your traitor turn of trying to cater to the poet scene
when everything that wasn't crap was thieved from other folks' routines
and still you couldn't dribble out a urine line, no friend of p
no number-one volleys because you're nadal you're cracked up to be
you've got no slice and got no spin, nothing you serve's encouragin'
your style is called the "olive oil", the bland and tasteless extra-virgin
hog the spotlight and i'll burn your bacon like you're hollow man
'cause 'til you learn some skills you'll always still be aeon also-ran
Aeon Azuran
You could wait a hundred hours, once I’m here you can’t deny
Double A’s got twice the power any aeon can supply.
These crass folks love my ass jokes, smellin’ yours they call the fumigator
No LCD of you and me ‘cause you don’t have a numerator
An infinite invincible against an indivisible
zero, near invisible; I fear your fight is risible.
I’m Popeye to your Bluto, take my olive oyl with spinach
At least I also ran, you know in this race you’re Kucinich
A failure from the gate, you didn’t get a nomination
No monstrous surprise because you write abominations.
I’m no tennis pro but you’re not even a badminton jock
Wet dreams about astronauts is why you love the shuttlecock.
sonicblastpunch
i can see that class is lost on you, the lesson you're deferring
all you want is math and buttsex like a night with alan turing
you can't go against the grain when i'm the wheat and you're the chaff
stencil-tracing smiling faces and you still can't draw a laugh
so if comedy's a business, you're non-profit and you're bleeding money
begging for donations, so i left your mother walking funny
churned her inner stirrings up, frothing demand like ikaruga
made her abdominals stretch because i'm jumbo like tsuruta
named my manhood "final fantasy ten" and she gladly ate it
just like all your old report cards, she was proud to be d-graded
so you want to talk elections, don't expect her loyalty --
just ask her and she'll tell you that i'm still absolute royalty