Introduction[]
Starting on October 13th, 2010, Commodore decided to share his substitute teaching adventures experiences with Board 8.
Origin of Topic[]
(Copied right from his first post of the topic)
"My friends have been pestering me to write a book/blog/stories of all the crazy days I've had while substituting at a middle school for the past 3 years. I've promised to type some up, if nothing else but for their entertainment. As I go, I'll also post them in here so you all can get a kick over the things I experience on a daily basis. Some are long stories with tons of funny details, and some are as simple as ridiculous things parents have named these children. Its been a hell of a ride and I can't wait to share with you all the things that have kept my friends entertained for years."
Note: All stories are copied straight from the topic with no editing done to them and are in the order that they were posted in the topic. Unless otherwise noted the students in these stories are middle schoolers (11-14 years old).
Commodore's Stories[]
The Feces Collage[]
We've all been middle schoolers before. We know how ****ed up those days can be. A perfect storm of self-awareness, sexuality, social interaction, and cultural pressure ravages our naive and impressionable minds. In those days, the ideal woman is that cute girl in class that gives out handys. And if one of those dirty 8th grade girls are offering other services...its like watching a pack of wild dogs fighting to see who the alpha male truly is. It can lead adolescents to do some crazy ****. This is one of those cases.
Amber and Gary were 7th graders that had been dating for about 2 months. That would be our equivalent of 2-3 years. Amber was in the special classes. Despite being one of the star athletes in advanced classes, Gary thought Amber was one of the prettiest girls in the grade. She wasn't there mentally, but that isn't exactly something horned up middle school guys rank high on their list of important qualities.
Danielle was an 8th grader who had just broken up with the starting quarterback. All the guys in her grade were talking about her. From the locker room to study hall to the band room, every guy was bragging he'd be the next one to get with her. But Danielle had a different goal in mind.
Passing up the 8th graders, she dipped into the 7th grade pool of guys, which is basically unheard of at that age. She picks Gary. Before we go any further, think about what your hormones were like at 14 years old. In those days, something as small as finding your dad's Playboy was a life-altering experience and nudity was still considered a novelty. Like most guys his age would, Gary let Danielle show him the ropes after school one day. He forgot all about Amber and was riding on this high. Until the next day.
Around 3rd hour there was a huge commotion in the hallway. After the teachers managed to round all the kid back into the classroom, we finally isolated the 3 girls that had started the scene. They all looked violently ill so one teacher offered to take lead and get to the bottom of the issue. The rest of the story is simply hear-say, because I wasn't around to see it. But I've heard it described in enough detail that I feel confident you'll get the picture.
On the wall in the girl's bathroom, the statement "YOU **** ON MY HART" was written.
In feces.
Yes, human ****. Someone had dropped a deuce, then proceeded to fingerpaint these words all the way across the bathroom wall. After the principal interrogated all 3 girls, they were still clueless as to who this would've been. So how did we find out this protest of poop was due to Amber and Gary breaking up? We looked back at the camera pointing down the hall where the girl's bathroom is.
The videos show during the previous class, Amber walked out of the bathroom. Sniffed her hands multiple times. Licked a finger, and gagged.
Note by Commodore after the story to understand it better: "I don't mean special classes as in she needed help with everyday function. I meant she was considered to be one of the low students. She wasn't mentally handicapped or in the same class as down syndrome children. She was in our class where we put the "normal" kids who need extra help on assignments. Basically there are 2 types of "special classes" at our school. The ones who need help with everyday activities I never come in contact with, so when I say someone is in the special class just assume that means they're completely normal but not as smart as others in their grade.
I added that part to emphasize that there is a social divide at our school between the athletes/honor students and low level students."
Board 8 Reactions
"what the ****" -CeraSeptem
The videos show during the previous class, Amber walked out of the bathroom. Sniffed her hands multiple times. Licked a finger, and gagged.
If I had a dollar for every time I got a girl do that...-TheKnightofNee
Pronunciation Is Key[]
One of the worst parts of being a substitute teacher is calling roll. At the beginning of the year, teachers will inevitably pronounce a few things wrong. But jumping in after weeks of school have already passed, those difficult or humorous names are old news. Until the sub comes in.
I refuse to pull the whole "I'm not even going to try to butcher this one...what is your name?" routine. I'm cultured enough and have met people from almost every country of the world. I can get foreign or exotic names correct or almost right every single time. But on my 3rd day of substituting ever, I met my match.
At this point, I'm already nervous as hell. Are the kids going to go crazy? Will they disrespect me? How do I deal with discipline? But it never once occurred to me that part of the anxiety would stem from a fear that the kids would embarrass me. I'm getting attendance off the seating chart, so the teacher has already filled in the students' preferred names instead of their full name. It goes smoothly for the first little while.
"Steven?"
"Here"
"Rachel?"
"Here"
"Cheyenne?"
"Here"
"................................"
My mind is racing. What the **** is this collection of letters and punctuation staring back at me?
On the seating chart in very legible handwriting, it stares back at me. La-a.
LAH-uh? Luh-AY? Laaa?
I'm a ****ing idiot. Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
Being the Star Wars fan that I am, I confidently call out "Leia?"
The room erupts in laughter.
A black girl in the corner of the room with an overbite gives me the biggest stinkface I've ever received and sasses off, "My name is LADASHA THANK YOUUUUUU"
La-a. Ladasha.
Erections[]
This story is from one of the first days I ever subbed. I still had no idea what I was doing or how to control the kids. At that point my friends couldn't believe I was a substitute teacher, so two of them decided to come visit me one day. Former students of the school, they signed in under the guise that they wanted to see all their old teachers. I don't know who let them in the building or why they did, but what walked into my room completely caught me off guard.
It was my friends Ashley and Rachel. Showing off massive amounts of cleavage and wearing booty shorts. I don't know if they had intended to get a "rise" out of the boys, but that's exactly what happened. (DarkFalconX note-Who could blame them?: Ashley & Rachel) However, I was oblivious to that at the time. I had a momentary lapse of judgment where I forgot what happened when 8th grade boys lay eyes on two hot ass college chicks.
After chatting with my friends for a few minutes, they finally left and I tried to resume class. I called on one kid to go up to the board to work out a math problem. He seemed embarrassed and said he didn't want to. I was still clueless, so I pressed the issue. "Its fine, if you get it wrong we'll work it out and see where you got off track"
He laughed nervously and said, "Umm...I can't". I stood there, perplexed. Then all the sudden it dawned on me. I sighed "Oh no..." and I guess the look on my face gave it away because suddenly everyone in the room started laughing their ass off, myself included. About 5 guys in the room turned bright red.
The worst part was that I had to write one kid a note so he could be late to his next class. He wasn't able to get up for another couple minutes after the bell rang.
So what was on that note?: Blind Azaroth suggested it said "Please excuse Mikey, he was feeling a little stiff..."
The Stabbing[]
Let me preface this story by saying the school I work at is the last place you'd expect a stabbing to occur. It isn't the poor middle school in the county, but its not the super-stressful one either. Its generally considered the best all-around when you look at sports, academics, student social life, and teacher competency.
This was about a year into subbing for me, so by this point I had a great feel of the school and how to keep the kids under control. I knew the teachers, the kids, everything. After having an uneventful few months, I was overconfident and guessed I had seen it all by that point. Then I heard a blood curdling scream, followed by a collection of screams, and saw a teacher running down the hallway with her laptop in her arms. I was directly across from the room in which this event took place.
Apparently the teacher, lets call her Mrs. Waters, had been on some kid's case for the majority of class. He was talking, forgot his materials, and wouldn't stay in his seat. So she naturally sent him out into the hallway to do his work. Apparently he came back a few minutes later, quietly walked to the back of the room, grabbed a pair of scissors and ran towards the teacher while saying "Die, you *****".
That was the first scream.
As he swung to hit her with the scissors, she ran out of the room and down the hall. Completely abandoned all her students and just ****in booked it as quickly as she could away from her attacker, taking her laptop with her. He missed his initial swing which was intended for Mrs. Waters, and on the way down struck another student in the head by mistake.
That was the subsequent collection of screams from the classroom. Luckily, the scissors didn't penetrate the skull and the girl was back in school two days later. The crazy kid was expelled.
So what did the school learn from this encounter? You'd certainly think they'd hold a school-wide assembly about the dangers of violence and red flags that might indicate mental instability. You'd probably think they'd call a teacher meeting telling them to never abandon their students. You might expect training for teachers, showing them how to properly defend themselves in case of an attack. You might even go so far to think she'd lose her job or at least get a strict talking-to from the principal.
What do they do? The ONLY thing they do? Give the ***** the "Teacher of the Year" award.
Additional Commodore Note:
"It was 7th grade and the kid was not athletic in the least. He was one of those short, chubby ones with the wild look that says 'I might stab somebody one day'. Even my mom said she would've just knocked the kid in the head with the laptop she was holding on to. That's just Self Defense 101."
Academic Team[]
As you all may have heard, I am likely going to be banned from every future Academic Team match held at our school. I'm still waiting to be called into the principal's office to be honest. Everything was going fine at first. I was proctoring an exam, which included sitting there bored as **** under the impression that one of these kids was actually going to try to cheat on one of the tests. If they did anything against the rules, or if they were interrupted from taking the test, their test would be void. They aren't even allowed bathroom breaks in this 30 minutes.
No big deal. Kids are antsy, but they'll sit still long enough to win a blue ribbon to make their parents proud. The parents are still proud even when their kids the only one taking the "Arts and Humanities" test. Congrats, your child got a 50% on the least academic test available and still won a blue ribbon. But alas, this story isn't about the kids and their delusional parents.
I was doing the job I was assigned to do perfectly. I had set out all the tests, pencils, Scantron forms, blank paper, everything. I started the test exactly on time and the room was silent. What would follow that will likely get me in a ****storm of trouble was only minimally my fault.
I forgot to shut the blinds. On the surface this seems completely unnecessary. Who would think to do such a thing? It was getting dark and all I had to worry about was 15 sixth graders sitting around taking a half hour test....until the football team got out of practice.
Several of the 8th grade students recognized me, many of whom know me outside of school. The ones that know me really well all ran up to the window of the room, banging on it and screaming my name. I motioned for them to cut it out and move along. They thought this was hilarious. As the academic team coach walked in, she looked to the window and saw three boys pressed up against the window. More specifically, rubbing their nipples on the window. All the students in the room looked terrified and were staring in horror at the scene unfolding before them.
To cut to the chase, the coach from the opposing school got pissed and demanded the tests to be disqualified. I was sent home and I'm still waiting to see what results from this.
Board 8 Reaction:
More specifically, rubbing their nipples on the window.
"sounds like something I would do" -Minipoooot
Firearm Safety[]
Our school decided to hold an assembly today for the 6th graders concerning firearm safety. I doubt most 6th graders in the country get this presentation in the first place, but its even more unlikely that the information is presented the way I heard it today. When I walked in the gym, I was expecting a Mr. Mackey type man saying, "So guns are bad, mmmkay?" Boy was I wrong.
One glance at the man up front told me this was going to be an experience. I'm not quite sure what his qualifications were, but he looked like some mixture of a park ranger and professional buck hunter. For the next 30 minutes I sat there listening to this man explain the different types of guns, how to load these guns, how to clean them, and how to shoot them. Every now and then he'd provide a statement like, "Now remember, always point your gun to the sky so you don't accidentally shoot someone", but to call this a firearm safety presentation was a gross exaggeration.
As he wrapped up his speech, he asked, "How many of y'all have a gun at home?"
Nearly every single hand in the crowd of 11 and 12 year olds went up.
"And how many of y'all have shot a gun before?"
To my surprise, almost every hand remained up.
He finished, "Well hell yeah you have cuz you're from KENTUCKY!" and the crowd roared in approval.
Lesbian Class Skippers (Part 1)[]
Some people might be thinking that I've hyped this story so much, why the hell does it have such a generic title? To be fair, when I originally wrote those 3 words down I had planned on replacing it with something much more creative. But over the past few weeks as I've discussed these situations with other teachers, the nickname has caught on. These girls are now known as the "Lesbian Class Skippers" to all my colleagues at work that share my sense of humor.
We had a new kid move to the school at the beginning of the school year. Channing is a very exotic looking girl, like some mixture of Native American, Hispanic, and muff bandit. With her infectious personality, it only took her a couple months to recruit an entourage of about a dozen lesbians to follow her around everywhere.
One day during study hall, I noticed two of them were missing and asked the classroom, "Has anyone seen Channing and Kelsey?"
A girl speaks up, "Last time I saw them, they were walking to the bathroom. I think they're trying to skip class." I asked her to go into the girl's bathroom and tell them if they weren't back to class in 2 minutes they were getting sent to the principal's office.
A short while later, the girl appears in the doorway of the room, looking like something had scared the **** out of her. Her face was bright red and her eyes darted quickly back and forth with tears welling up. Before I had a chance to talk to her privately, a guy next to her goes, "Whats wrong?"
She shrieks, "THEY...THEY...THEY'RE TOUCHING EACH OTHER!!!"
A lot of kids busted out laughing. I sat there dumbfounded. I had prepared myself for a lot of things I might experience teaching 8th graders, but this was never one of them. I didn't know what to do. Should I call the principal? The Dean of Students? I did what any terrified 21 year old guy would do when faced with preteen females participating in "extracurricular activities" under his watch.
I called my mommy.
She answered the phone and as I tried to explain to her what happened, she wasn't catching my drift. She goes, "Son, I have a class to teach and you should be watching yours. It sounds like a madhouse in there. What do you need? Spit it out"
All my students were watching me. How do I tell her whats happening in front of these kids? I had to be descriptive enough that she knew how dire the situation was, but I couldn't say anything inappropriate around the class. I don't know what made me decide on the statement that came out, but the best I could muster was:
"Mom...they're in the bathroom, skipping class, and....diddling each other"
I said diddle. In front of a crowd of immature 8th graders. I immediately recognized my mistake, but so they did. The class had already been loud with gossip and laughter, but now it was an absolute eruption of laughter. I couldn't contain myself any longer. I started laughing. I laughed until I cried. My mom came over and took care of the situation, but I didn't live this day down for weeks to come.
Additional Commodore Note: "To clarify, I called my mom because when I first started subbing she told me that anytime a situation dealt with girls and sexuality, I should call her immediately. There have been girls at our school to accuse teachers of sexual harassment, so I'm covering my own ass. There is no way I could've handled that situation without it somehow being twisted around on me.
I don't know what she did exactly, I wasn't there. She told me she went into the bathroom, started screaming, and marched the girls to the Vice Principal's office."
Lesbian Class Skippers (Part 2)[]
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I had Channing in class again, along with a different member of her posse. The class I was substituting this day was Computer Technology.
I had all the students get on Google SketchUp (which is basically an image drawing program, like Paint or Photoshop). You can import various 3D images into it, so I had kids building castles, stadiums, lakes, etc.
Everything was going smoothly, but then I noticed that two of my baseball players were huddled around a computer with the two lesbian girls. Knowing these guys were some of the biggest perverts on my team, I could tell the four students were up to no good.
I casually walked over and peered over their shoulders. The scene in front of me was worse than anything I could've expected.
They had imported 3D images of female strippers, stripper poles, and beds onto their screen. The strippers were positioned in ways to make it look like they were going at it on the beds in multiple different positions while a few were standing next to the poles.
Then I saw what had gathered everyone's attention.
Channing had imported a giant purple ***** into the picture. She was pretending to ram it back it and forth on the screen.
Repeatedly into a female image's undercarriage area.
While making quiet noises to fit the situation in front of her.
Channing is no longer allowed in any of the classes I sub for.
Brief Untitled Story about a Student wanting to pull a gun on his teacher[]
- Pulled together from multiple posts
Version 1:
Okay, so here is the story I have from a source I wouldn't exactly call reliable.
Teacher lost the kid's assignment. The kid had been having trouble at home, snapped, and pulled out an unloaded gun. A kid grabbed him from behind, she took the gun, and slapped him. She was seen leaving the school in a cop car and no-one knows what happened to him.
Might be true, might be half-true, or might be a complete bull**** story. All the info I'm getting is going through like 5 people (including middle schoolers) before it reaches me.
Actual Story:
Kid gets in the teacher's face, screaming at her saying "**** you *****" and multiple variations of the same statement. He said he wishes he had a gun on him right there. She slapped him so hard you could see her handprint on his face all day. She realized what she did, dropped her coffee cup to shatter on the floor, put her head in her hands, and told the students to go get the principal. She did leave in a cop car for questioning, but she hasn't had any charges filed against her yet and her job is still up in the air.
Lame imo. Was really hoping she took a gun and slapped the dude.
The Last Straw[]
All of my stories so far have been about the kids. While I have a lot of funny ones about students that I still need to write, this is one is about me. Today, 30 minutes before school let out, I ****ing snapped. I had about 1/4 a class of 8th graders crying or on the verge of tears.
The last class of the day is study hall. Today, we were going to let all the kids go outside and hang out since it was a nice day. But first, we had to take attendance and give each student their school pictures they had taken. I waited a couple extra minutes to get class started, because I could tell everyone was buzzing about it being Friday and going outside. Usually if you give them a little time, they'll settle down then you can quickly take roll and lead everyone outside.
Not today.
After a few minutes, I told everyone to take their seat so I could see who was absent and that I needed to pass out their pictures. Only a few sat down. I tried it a couple times more, getting louder each time. Still, half the room was out of their seat blatantly ignoring my instructions. Two of the kids started arguing, which led to strings of cuss words being thrown back and forth. I was already at my breaking point from the class refusing to settle down, and this pushed me over the edge.
I grabbed a yard stick from behind the desk and screamed, "That is ENOUGH!" while slamming the yard stick down on a desk. Rather than my intention of just making a loud noise, the yard stick shattered into pieces and flew across the room. The class went silent in a split second. By that time I was furious and just let it fly.
"NONE OF YOU ARE GOING OUTSIDE. YOU WILL SIT DOWN IN YOUR SEAT AND STARE AT THE WALL UNTIL THIS CLASS PERIOD IS OVER. YOU WILL LEAVE THIS ROOM FOR NO REASON, I DON'T CARE HOW BAD YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM. NOW GET IN YOUR SEAT AND SHUT UP, OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED BACK IN THIS BUILDING FOR A WEEK"
One student decided to get brave, stating "I guess he's in a bad mood today." After conferring with the principal, the kid is suspended 3 days. I didn't fulfill my promise of an entire week, but I was pretty damn close.
But one thing is certain. They won't **** with me like that again.
Additional Commodore Note: "It wasn't for him saying that by itself. I explained to her the whole situation and she agreed it deserved punishment. It wasn't his comment so much as his audacity to say such a thing after I'd just laid down those statements to the class. She wrote him up for disrespect and disruptive behavior."
Fat Kid Wants Candy (Part 1)[]
Sometimes in the last class period, our administrators come around with a cart full of candy for students to purchase so they can have treats during study hall. Today they came around, and everything seemed to be going well. The announcements came on, students were dismissed, and I was walking down the hallway to leave after a long day of dealing with 6th graders. I noticed a commotion at the end of the hall and went down to see what was happening.
As I approached, I saw a fat boy sitting in the floor crying and a teacher had just begun explaining to a few others about the events that had transpired. During study hall, the candy cart arrived to her room and she usually lets the students get up one row at a time to purchase their snacks. Huey was in the first row, but that row had been misbehaving so the teacher started at the other end of the room. Huey got mad when he wasn't allowed to get candy first and starting kicking chairs in the back of the room.
The teacher told Huey that he wasn't going to get candy at all because of his behavior. Apparently he immediately stopped kicking chairs and said incredulously, "You *****!" She made him go sit in the hall until dismissal.
Now comes the point that I witnessed. Huey was still sitting in the floor, refusing to get up and go home. At first I thought it was just a fat kid throwing a temper tantrum. Then I glanced at Huey and noticed a look in his eye, like a wild animal. This kid had snapped.
After relaying the story to us, the teacher walked over to Huey and asked, "What can I do for you in order to make you get up and go home?"
His response left me absolutely speechless. At this point in time, I would not be able to say the following sentence without breaking into a fit of laughter midway through. I'm in hysterics just typing it.
Huey looked up, tears welling in his eyes and says mournfully, "What can you do? Get me a knife so I can go ahead and end it all."
A teacher went to get the school counselor, who sent all the teachers home while she stayed with the kid to talk to him. I'm sure once I hear the full story tomorrow, it'll turn out he had problems at home or something to make him depressed. If that happens, this story will lose some its humor for me. But at this moment, all I witnessed is a fat kid trying to kill himself because he couldn't have candy. And that is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Board 8 Reaction
"jesus christ, they need to load that kid's chubby little body up with ambien 24/7 or something." -Calvinball
Fat Kid Wants Candy (Part 2)[]
Yesterday at school the fat kid struck again. And this time I saw the whole thing.
I was subbing in his 4th hour class, which is the one I take to lunch. He was still somewhat off-kilter, but I figured the worst was behind him. They had scheduled him for psychiatric evaluations and he hadn't made a scene in a few days. His class is one of the very last ones to eat lunch, and I'm sure you can guess this never makes Huey happy.
But on this day the lunch ladies ****ed up. REALLY ****ed up.
They didn't save any pizza for Huey. They ran out throughout the day and only had bean and cheese burritos left by the time he got into the lunch room. This didn't sit well with Huey at all.
The following is almost exactly word for word what he said. I'm leaving out the few sentences in the middle of his rant where he mumbled to himself because I didn't hear it.
"YOU PANSY ASS *****ES! Go back into that GODDAMN kitchen and make me some ****ing PIZZA! I DON'T WANT A MOTHER****ING BEAN and CHEESE BURRITO!"
Then he looked as if he had been pushed, staggered back into the wall, and slid down to the floor. He mumbled a few things and started gasping for breath. I'm sure his fat little body wasn't used to using up so much energy.
Then, with tears in his eyes, he pointed a shaky finger at the sweetest little old lunch lady we have, who stared back at him horrified.
Huey panted out, "You...you burn in hell..."
After the Vice Principal arrived I hustled back to the teacher's lounge and laughed until I cried.
I'M TOO FAT[]
Disclaimer: If you think its wrong to laugh at slow people, this story is not for you.
There is a teacher's aide at our school named Miss Pam who helps out in the class for the really handicapped kids. I'm not sure what the name of the class is, because I've had a little too much moonshine tonight. But its basically the class for kids with severe disabilities (Down Syndrome, mentally disabled, etc).
Rumor has it that she was in this class some 50 years ago when she attended the school, but it has never been confirmed. Regardless, among the less politically correct teachers I work with, she's the butt of many jokes. She is very unfortunate looking, overweight, and has the kind of psoriasis that when she scratches her arm, it snows on most people in the room.
We were taking the kids on a field trip to a local science museum, and for some reason Miss Pam's class joined us. As we loaded the buses to leave, I was lucky enough to get paired up with my mom and another teacher who I really like. I figured this was going to be a really good trip, as I always have fun with my mom and the other teacher. All 3 of us have a similar sense of humor and we're so close our families have actually done Thanksgiving together before.
Then everyone realized Miss Pam's students were not assigned to a bus. Unfortunately, our bus had the least amount of students, so they all piled on with us. It was extremely cramped, with many students having to sit 3 to a seat. Mom and I sat together in the front, smirking as we made the other teacher sit next to Miss Pam.
About halfway to the science museum, some students in the back started singing a song really loud. Mom, the other teacher, and I were engrossed in some conversation and didn't really pay much attention to it. We share a philosophy of not getting onto kids for trivial stuff that doesn't really hurt anything. Miss Pam got very annoyed with the singing though and took it upon herself to waddle towards the back of the bus to tell the kids to stop.
As she neared the back, she encountered 2 rows of students who were across from each other and had been placed 3 to a seat. Since it was so crowded, these students were halfway out in the aisle and Miss Pam couldn't fit through. We heard a commotion and looked back. Miss Pam was getting very flustered about not being able to reach her destination and started ramming her body into the students in an attempt to fit through. The kids started screaming, as no-one wants Miss Pam to touch them with her scaly skin. This in turn made Miss Pam scream back at them.
As she tried to squish her way through the kids, she squealed, "I'M TOO FAT! I CAN'T FIT THROUGH! I'M TOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAT!"
Eventually she barreled her way through the students, stopped the singing, and came back up front. But to this day, "I'M TOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAT!" remains a common response to any statement someone makes involving weight or Miss Pam around the teacher's lounge.
This Is My Middle School Swag[]
I've had my fair share of students I suspected had a little crush on me over the years, but lately it has hit an all-time high. Here are a few stories showing just how far this has gone.
The few times I've subbed at the high school, it has always been for the same teacher. One day this teacher was conducting a health screening at the middle school I usually work at, so I went in for her. She took her entire 4th period to help her with the screenings, so during this hour I went over to the middle school to see how it was going. Earlier that day, I had a girl come back to the high school to pick up more blood pressure cuffs, but I didn't think anything about it until I heard what happened. Apparently when the teacher asked who wanted to grab more supplies, two senior girls got in an argument right in the middle school library. Both wanted to go so they could see me, and the teacher explained that one girl won the argument by saying, "***** you only date black boys, let me go see him."
Middle school students have been no exception. One day as the candy cart came around, a little 6th grade girl bought an extra Crunch bar and signed out of her room to come bring it to me as a "present". An 8th grader asked me to drive her home from school last week.
But today brought all this to a head. Earlier the lunch monitor came up to me and said, "You know many of these girls I've heard fawning over you, right?" I figured that was the big event of the day, but I was sorely mistaken. I was subbing for a special ed teacher today, so most of my time was spent collaborating with other teachers. During Language Arts, the teacher handed out dry-erase boards and markers to all the students. Groups came up, presented an oral open-response assignment, and the students were supposed to grade their peers work on a scale from 1-4. They would then show their verdicts and the teacher would give out grades accordingly. The teacher was in the back to watch all the students, and I was in the front so I could tell her what the class thought of the presentations as a whole.
The first couple groups went up and when the students held up their boards, I relayed the most common number back to the teacher. No problem.
Then one group got done and as I surveyed the boards, I saw one girl had written "HI!!! <3<3<3". I laughed a little and one of my baseball players turned to see what she had written. He took this opportunity to spend the rest of the class writing messages to me on his board. The progression was something like this:
"FREE WEEZY!"
"THE GUY BEHIND ME SMELLS"
"I <3 YOU!"
and finally...
"I WANT YOU INSIDE ME!!!"
Professionalism be damned, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I cracked up laughing. The teacher noticed something was up and peered over his shoulder to see what he had written. She yelled at him for not being on task or something, but after class she came up to me and said, "Now I knew some of the girls around here liked you, but the boys do too?" Talk about embarrassing.
The Spelling Bee[]
Today in a 7th grade language arts class, I had a collaborating teacher come in to conduct a spelling bee. She had to get the top students from every class in preparation for the school-wide spelling bee. The first few classes were fine, but I knew 4th hour would be interesting. I wasn't quite sure what would happen, but this class is notorious around school for being wild. Somehow every single troublemaker in 7th grade ended up in one class together. I've subbed this class before and had half a room, because the rest were suspended.
But today they were all present. And it surprised the **** out of me when they all came in, sat down, and started doing their work. I was dumbfounded. I was prepared to fight to get them under control, but they seemed really mellow. I guess the rainy day had dampened their spirits. When the other teacher arrived to hold the spelling bee, she seemed as taken aback as I was that they were sitting there quietly.
As everyone stood up, I could tell a couple of them really did not want to participate. I saw this thug girl named Carla was noticeably perturbed that she had to stand up and take part. It went down the line towards her, and I figured she was just going to refuse or ramble off random letters to get out of it. She did something much better than that. As it progressed down the line, the students in front of her got some easy words. The words were already typed up in random order, so easy and hard ones were randomly distributed.
"P-O-L-I-T-I-C-I-A-N. Politician."
"F-E-M-U-R. Femur."
"B-R-O-C-C-O-L-I. Broccoli."
Then it got to Carla. The teacher's eyes got wide as she announced, "Your word is...furtively."
Carla looked back at her with a blank stare and began.
"F-U-"
Wow, she's really doing this?
...Of course not.
"*-*-*-*-T-H-I-S. **** this."
With that, she stormed out of the room.
Fat Kid Wants Candy (Part 3)[]
I guess this story doesn't follow my intentions when I started this, because I didn't personally see any of it. This is something I heard from another teacher. But I feel like Huey's fanbase will have grown to the point that I can't deprive y'all any of his shenanigans.
This morning in homeroom Huey realized it was candy cart day. He pulled out his wallet to make sure he had brought his money, but to his dismay he had nothing. He slammed his wallet down on his desk repeatedly with both fists, screaming, "NO! NO! NOOOOO!!!" Then he broke down in tears and started hyperventilating. His teacher was the same one that witnessed his first episode, so she asked if he was okay. He demanded to use the telephone. She knew better at this point and let him have his way to save herself the trouble.
Apparently the phone conversation went something like this.
"Granddad? I need $10. Its for school. But my teacher said she would fail me if I couldn't pay for the materials!"
As he hung up the phone, the teacher said he turned to her and growled like an animal. Then in his lowest, most menacing voice threatened, "Don't you dare tell him the truth." When candy cart came by this afternoon, sure he enough he had his $10. Bought 10 pieces of candy and stuffed them all into his fat little face within half an hour.
Did You POOP?![]
One of the worst parts about being a substitute is how nasty the kids are. Some of them I'm sure can't even remember their last bath. However, I refuse to make judgments about the kids because you never know the home situation. Still it really sucks when a kid calls you over to help them with something and you're stuck smelling sewage for a few minutes.
I was in one class for a few days where the 1st hour had a handful of these kids. I hated giving them work that required assistance because this certain corner of the room was just damn disgusting. One of my baseball players sat right in the middle of it, so the first day he came up and asked to switch seats. He told me why, but I couldn't do anything because all the seats in the room were taken. I told him to not say anything to them, but just sit there and bring it up with the teacher when she got back.
The next day I came in a couple minutes late and saw cone air fresheners on several desks. I was confused, but had other stuff to take care of before finding out where they came from. As more kids started piling in, I noticed the air fresheners were on the smelly kids' desks. It immediately hit me what was going on and looked to my baseball players. Of course they were laughing their asses off. I had them collect them all and put them on my desk, giving them all lunch detentions.
I thought I had settled the matter, but the third day they had a final trick up their sleeves. Every day while I called attendance, various students were up passing out everyone's notebooks. As I called out names, I noticed the commotion was much louder than usual when they do this. I looked up and one of my players was going around sniffing students. If he found the smell unpleasant, he strapped a car air freshener to their wrist. I was taken aback and started laughing before I could help myself.
He got to this chubby kid who was particularly odorous and exclaimed, "Did you POOP?!"
The chubby kid found this hilarious. He started laughing, so hard in fact that the next sound I heard was a pfffffffffft.
"OH MY GOD HE DID POOP! HE JUST POOPED AGAIN!"
The class erupted in laughter and I never really gained control the rest of the period. Luckily the kid thought it was really funny and wasn't offended at all. But I still laugh every time I think about that day.
Peter's Peter[]
Any kid named Peter, Dick, Johnson, etc is bound to get a few jokes thrown his way in middle school. That is expected. You would think those kids take extra precaution to fend off as many jokes as possible. But sometimes they get stupid and all hell breaks loose. This is the story of Peter and his peter.
Peter was on my baseball team during his 8th grade year. He was one of those guys on the fringe of the popular crowd. He teetered on the edge on being considered cool or not, so he always tried to impress the guys higher up on the social hierarchy. Being an athlete helped him out a lot, and he quickly learned that acting out scored him more points than being the nice religious kid he had been in 7th grade.
He pierced his own ears one night, started cussing, and would grab a girl's ass on occasion. Nothing to get him in too much trouble, but he wanted to make sure he destroyed the goody-goody perception people had about him from the past. While the popular guys did accept him into their group, he was still the ***** friend. A ***** friend is the lowest position a guy can have in a group. He is the constant butt of jokes and is forced to do the things everyone else doesn't want to do. His payment, in return, was being known as one of that group. Being the ***** friend of the popular kids is often seen as a better choice than being the leader of the nerds.
Peter wasn't your average hormone-crazy 8th grader. This kid took it to the next level. He had taken a picture of his junk on his iPhone. One day in class the guys demanded over his cell phone. As they played around on it, they stumbled across his pictures.
Think about this. What do you think the kids did? Show the teacher? Forward the picture to some girl/family member? Make fun of him mercilessly? Nope. These guys had much more in store.
They set it as his Facebook default picture, then told everyone in school to check his Facebook. At this point I was still oblivious to what was going on. It didn't take long to figure it out though, because soon everyone was whispering about "Peter's little peter". I'm not sure if he knew about it or not when this was happening.
Down the road, Peter's grandma must have checked Facebook (I have checked, she comments on his page often). The next thing we knew, his grandma busted into the front office raising all kinds of hell. She threatened the school with a lawsuit, checked Peter out for the day, and took him home.
At this point you'd think the faculty would let it die down, as gossip usually does. But instead they tried to do damage control.
They called a ****ing assembly.
In front of the entire 8th grade, a teacher addressed the issue of Facebook privacy and how it shouldn't be used at school for any reason. If the kids hadn't heard about or seen Peter's peter yet, they sure as hell left the assembly with a general idea.
Well I Ain't Ya Daddy[]
This isn't about me. This is about my mom, who taught me everything I know about how to discipline students.
I was subbing across the hall from my mom's room, so we could hear each others classes a little, but nothing too bad to be distracting. I was sitting at the front of the room teaching the students about Chernobyl. I know my mom's screaming voice. When the kids aren't being quiet or someone goofs off, I can tell exactly how she raises her voice. I was a student in her room for 2 years (math then drama), plus I've just spent enough time in there that I could identify it out of millions. I heard her start out using her "sit down and be quiet or I'll *insert normal threat here*" voice. Usually that works, but I heard it continue for a little bit longer. I shushed my class and told them if they were quiet I'd go see what was happening and report it back to them. Hell, even at this age I'm still as curious as a kid when someone gets in trouble.
I walked across the hall just as the **** hit the fan. For the rest of the story, I was just standing in the doorway with my jaw dropped. Now I'll start with the info I got about what happened beforehand from my mom.
Mom's class had just gotten back from lunch and were being a little difficult to settle down. Once she got them under control, she told them to take out their workbooks so she could assign homework problems. Crystal didn't get hers out. Mom repeated the instruction and addressed Crystal directly. Crystal got an attitude and said, "No, its not like I'm gonna do it anyway." Mom said, "You WILL get your workbook and do the homework or I'll call your parents."
At this point, Crystal made a critical error, especially if you know my mother. (This is when I reached the doorway too)
Crystal threw her pencil on the ground and said, "Lady, I've smacked my daddy before and I'm not afraid of you either."
Mom stood up, took her foot and slammed her chair against the back wall, making a crashing noise. As everyone watched in awe, she strolled over to Crystal and leaned down an inch away from her face. Sassily moving her head back and forth, Mom brought out her inner ghetto ***** (which I didn't know existed) and said, "Well I ain't ya daddy. NOW WHAT?"
The girl sat there, and in her smartest decision of the day, got out her workbook and said nothing. Later when I asked Mom if she wanted the girl to hit her, she said, "No, but if she did I wouldn't have laid a hand on her. I would've gotten her ass arrested".
I walked back to my room and laughed my ass off until the bell rang, but the students all heard the story later on anyway as it circulated around the floor.
Additional Commodore note: She teaches 6th, 7th, and 8th. Our school is set up kinda weird where they teach one main subject and a couple enrichment courses in other areas. I think this was her 7th grade class.
Cluster**** (The Day from Hell)[]
Please excuse any typos or incoherence in this story. I developed an eye twitch today and have already started drinking heavily
This morning instead of having a snow day, they gave us a one hour delay. As if that didn't screw up the schedule enough, it was also club day. Club day is the last Friday of every month where an hour and half before school is over, each teacher has a "club" that they host. Every club gets anywhere from 9-30 kids and you do that activity for the rest of the school day (basketball, knitting, etc).
I was running late to school and thus wasn't able to take my morning poop. This becomes relevant later. By the time I got to school, it was already chaotic. It was like the ****ing planets aligned and every factor that could make a school day difficult came into play at the same time. The one hour delay and club day conflict would already have caused a lot of confusion. If only that had been the worst of our problems.
About half the teachers on the 7th grade hallway were out and had a substitute. Two of them were first-timers and the rest were relatively new to it as well. When I got to the 7th grade floor, I saw one teacher named Mrs. Wilson. Apparently she had already thrown up once due to all the stress. She was team leader and the only real teacher in our half of the hall. We got word that homeroom would be extended by 10 minutes, so she got to work making a revised schedule. Due to the delay, clubs, and extended homeroom, the only schedule that could work to accommodate the elective teachers and other grades looked something like this:
Homeroom: 9:20-9:50
2nd Hour: 9:54-10:32
5th Hour: 10:36-11:24
4th Hour: 11:28-12:34
5th Hour: 12:38-12:42
3rd Hour: 12:46-1:18
6th Hour: 1:22-2:15
Clubs: 2:15-3:35
Look at that ****. We had 5th hour twice, once for 4 minutes.
You can imagine the chaos that resulted. Substitutes not knowing where to go, which class they currently had, when to go to lunch, where the lunchroom was, what club day was, which club they had and what to do with it, etc, etc, etc, compounded with the fact they had no ****ing clue how to sub in the first place. Students were equally confused and took advantage of the disorder as much as possible. So that's the general overview. I haven't even gotten started on MY day yet.
The teacher I was subbing for is one of the few that collaborates with the behavioral disorder children. Of course, she was stuck in meetings all day and told me, "I'm not going be able to come into your classes, but they shouldn't give you any problems." Yeah ****ing right.
My planning periods were supposed to be 1st and 7th, so if you look at the schedule you'll see I didn't get a single break today. Remember how I didn't get to **** before school this morning? Just making sure you didn't forget. As the day went on, the confusion only increased. The kids were wild; every class was a ****ing battle to get under control. Lunch time finally rolled around and I was so relieved to get a break. I took the students to the cafeteria, only to find out that the 8th grade teachers had scheduled lunch the same time as the 7th graders. So instead of dropping my kids off and dropping a deuce, I had to take them back to the room to eat lunch there.
I couldn't wait for 2:15 to come. After all the trouble club day had caused, it seemed to be the only bright light ahead in the school day. My club was Jr. ROTC, so I was like, "Awesome. I get the kids interested in military. These kids are gonna be smart or at least disciplined." As kids started coming into the room for clubs, I was horrified when I understood what was happening. IT WAS ALL THE BEHAVIORAL DISORDER CHILDREN. Of course. No-one would rather do ROTC **** in middle school over dodgeball and watching movies and whatnot. So they stuck the thugs in this club that were always in trouble.
I was naive enough to think it would still be okay, because I knew some people from the high school were coming over to lead the club. Surely they were sending a teacher, teacher's assistant, or at least some of the older students who knew a lot about the program. Goddamn I was stupid today.
Two nerdy ass, softspoken freshman girls walk in my room. I knew this was going to end in disaster. I had no hope for any semblance of order for the rest of the day. Even though I was exhausted, I dug down deep and went into serious mode. Using my last reserve of energy and sanity, I had the 30 problem kids quietly sitting in their assigned seat within 2 minutes. One of the girls from ROTC gave a doe-eyed look and assured in her meek voice, "Oh, that's really not necessary. We can do this. You can go take a break" I prayed she could, because I was prairie-dogging like a mother****er and really needed to use the bathroom.
By the time I came back to the room, she was crying as she packed her stuff up and headed back to the high school with her equally useless friend. Supposedly this kid Charles had called her a four-eyed, wimpy *****. Judging by how poorly she handled that comment, I'm inclined to agree with Charles in his assessment of her.
The remainder of the day was a mess, and it took all I had to keep the kids from erupting into an all-out rebellion. All the vice principals were apparently out trying to control other classrooms, so I was stuck dealing with it myself. When 3:35 hit, the principal came over the loudspeaker saying, "For those of you that haven't been prematurely dismissed or walked out on your own, you may now leave." I guess I handled it pretty well after all if other teachers had kids walking out on them.
But if I ever have another day like this, I will no longer be a substitute teacher. This was the day from hell.
The Tampon Incident[]
One of the worst feelings when subbing is watching kids do something absolutely hilarious that you wish you would've done at that age, but not having a choice besides getting them in trouble. I have never lost that sense of humor most kids seem to have in middle school, so at times it is incredibly hard to keep a straight face. This is one of those times.
Whenever I bring students back from the lunch room, it tends to be a little hectic. Half of the grade goes to lunch at the same time, so it is temporary chaos as many students make their way back to class, while using the restrooms and going to the water fountain. It usually takes around 10 minutes for all your students to get back to their 4th hour classroom.
I stopped by the faculty restroom since I was used to kids taking forever to get back to class. On the way back to my room, I heard a collective "EEEEEEEEEEEEK!" screeching from a group of girls. Their continuous squeals were matched only by laughter from an equal number of male students. I dashed over to the doorway and almost doubled over when I saw what was happening.
Two boys had taken 4 tampons and soaked them in water. For those of you who have never seen a fully engorged tampon, those ****ers get pretty damn big.
Random image from google:
http://www.lipglossandlaptops.com/podcast/uploads/2007/08/1066670393_15263f02da_m.jpg
Both boys had a tampon in each hand and were advancing on a cluster of girls, swirling the bloated tampons over their heads like medieval flails. I was about to scream "stop" just as one of the guys brought the wet tampon down and *****slapped a little girl across the cheek, knocking her out of her seat. At that very moment, the students became aware of my presence. Most gasped, a few laughed, and a couple went "oooooooh". I stood there bewildered and found the nearest chair, collapsing in a fit of laughter. As I gasped for breath I told both boys to go to the hallway immediately. Trying to compose myself, I checked on the little girl, who had started crying. It was apparently out of the embarrassment more than any pain that had been inflicted.
From there I had to take all 3 students to the principal, get the boys in trouble, etc, etc. Filling out all the paperwork was horrible. I hated signing the suspension papers of these two young heroes of mine. They deserved ****ing medals as far as I'm concerned.
Disappointment[]
I have a few funny stories I could type up right now from my weeks stuck in the 7th grade, but there's one thing in particular I feel would be kind of cathartic to tell right now.
One of the students in 7th grade, Adam, was constantly getting in trouble. He was never doing anything violent or malicious, he was just a funny kid that always managed to do something to land him in hot water. In my two years of teaching him, I got to know him really well. The worst thing he'd do is get caught running after girls in the hallway, goofing around in class, or forgetting his homework. He never once back-talked a teacher or was mean to anyone. But for some reason the teachers all couldn't stand him. His lack of discipline annoyed them as they had to deal with it every single day.
I only saw him on occasion, so maybe he never had the chance to get on my nerves the way he did other teachers. Or maybe I just had some sympathy for the kid. Either way, he had a really tough home life. His parents were divorced and although his mom was very loving, she was constantly fighting with his dad and neither parent was a very good authority figure for him. It was one of those situations where the parents were essentially to blame for everything. He was a very sociable, athletic, "lady's man" type of kid. Everything a kid his age needs to succeed, he had. He just acted out in ways to get the attention that he wasn't receiving outside of school.
The kid gravitated toward me since I was basically the only teacher who looked at his behavior as needing sympathy rather than needing punishment. I tried to mentor him for the better part of a year and a half. There were a few occasions he actually broke down in tears talking to me. I'd always give him the support he needed while trying to be strict enough to teach him better ways to stand out from everyone else. Then a couple days ago everything went all to ****.
I had been subbing in the 6th grade and all the sudden the fire alarm went off. The principal came over the loudspeaker saying it was not a drill and to evacuate immediately. I went out and sat in my car because I didn't have any students at the time and it was cold outside. I sat for a while joking around with another teacher and screaming, "BURN MOTHER****ER BURN!" at the building. Then I saw the vice principal at the other side of school property walk out looking furious. She marched towards the fence where all the students were lined up and escorted Adam back into the building.
At that point my heart sunk in my stomach. As we re-entered the building I learned that his mother had called just that morning to inform the school he would be moving away to a different state. Apparently he wanted to go out with a bang, so he pulled a fire alarm towards the end of the day. When I heard this, I bolted to the front office. I caught his eye as two police officers led him out of the building into his mother's car, and she sped off as soon as he climbed inside.
I've had many ups and downs in this job, but nothing has effected quite the way this has. To work with a kid for so long and get so close to them, only to have your very last interaction with them involving a police escort leaves a very empty feeling in your soul. With no way of getting in contact with him, I guess all I can hope is he remembers something I said and turns out to be a decent kid. Without any sense of closure, final words, or indication that anything I did made the slightest bit of difference in his life, I'm stuck feeling quite bothered about the whole thing. I never thought I'd care that much about this job, but I see how teachers can get desensitized over time. If I went through that disappointment time and time again, I'm not sure I would make much of an effort either.
Sorry for the downer story, but this job is more than just fun times and outrageous antics.
The Creep[]
In my long stretch of weeks on the 7th grade floor, those demon children sucked the very life out of me. I couldn't write stories about them, I couldn't think about them, hell I could barely keep myself from quitting the job. There was, however, one very bright light among all that darkness. And her name is Callie.
Callie is one of those weird, literary kids. Like it wouldn't surprise me at all if she went home after school to write dark poetry and cut herself on her legs, because unlike the emo kids she didn't do it for attention. Callie's brother is a year older and has Down Syndrome. There's a chance that Callie's ****edupness is a result of genetic conditions as well, but since I don't have that information I just assume she's a weird ass kid.
It was the last period of the day on a Friday, so the kids were bouncing off the walls. Callie was sitting in the corner, eating girl scout cookies instead of socializing. I noticed she was staring at me, but I tried not to pay any attention. The bell rang for dismissal and the kids ran out of the room. In all the commotion, I tried to rearrange the teacher's desk and make it look good for when she got back on Monday. I turned around to throw something away and kind of jumped when I saw Callie hadn't left and was still sitting in the corner. Surprised, I said, "Callie, the bell rang. Time to go home."
She stared at me without blinking. Took a bite of the girl scout cookie and chewed it slowly.
"Callie, lets go. You're gonna miss the bus."
She stared at me without blinking. Took a bite of the girl scout cookie and chewed it slowly.
"Alright, thats enough. Time. To. Go!"
She stared at me without blinking. Took a bite of the girl scout cookie and chewed it slowly.
I was thoroughly creeped out at this point. I didn't know what the **** was going on. Was she in a trance? Was she plotting my murder? Was this a dream? I quickly left the room and went to get another teacher. She led the way into the room and went over to where Callie was sitting. She started getting mean with her, screaming at her to get up and leave. Callie didn't respond.
She stared at me without blinking. Took a bite of the girl scout cookie and chewed it slowly.
I left the room. I couldn't handle it anymore. At this point I saw Callie's DS brother coming down the hall. I guess she usually met him on the way to the bus so he looked confused and came to find her. The teacher sent him into the room to see if he could get Callie to leave. The resulting conversation was one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
"CAL-LAYYYYY! CAL-LAYYYYY! Wake up CAL-LAYYYYY! *loud clanging noise* DA **** CAL-LAYYYYY? DA ****? *sounds of scuffling* S-s-s-Stephanie? NO I WANT CAL-LAYYYYY! *sounds of scuffling*"
Then they both walked out of the room, looking like nothing had happened. Then they left the building. I have no ****ing clue what went on in that room or who Stephanie is, but at that point I just wanted to get the **** out of there. As I was walking out, the teacher laughed at me and goes, "I think you must've had her in heat or something"
I threw up in my mouth a little, left the building, and drank myself stupid.
Where's The Gratitude?[]
I just got home from the freshman team's baseball game. I had the majority of these players on my team last year so I figured it'd be a good night to go watch them, catch up with everyone, and see how they're doing.
My favorite parent from last year, Vicki, was there sitting alone so I sat next to her. The whole time we were cutting up with each other and catching up. She was being very friendly, on the verge of flirtatious. Then she busted out with a, "We should definitely have some drinks sometime." It threw me off a little, because she's married to Cody's stepfather. She kept on with it, asking about my party habits, seeing if I would smoke with her, all kinds of stuff. I happily obliged and gave the MILF my number. Then we moved on to the next topic of conversation: her son.
Cody was on my team last year and struggled a lot with grades so I helped him out some. Apparently he's having problems again and likely going to fail a class this year. I asked her what class, and conveniently enough, his teacher is my friend's mom. In fact, she is more than that. I'm almost better friends with her than I am her son. I drink with this woman all the time, because she basically acts like she's in her 20s.
I mentioned this to Vicki and she said I should definitely tell Cody. He doesn't get along with this teacher very well and I thought a name drop could help his situation out a little. After the game I waved him over to talk, and to my surprise he was actually kind of a dick about it. He kind of acted like he was too good to have the conversation with me. He was being really short. While telling him I might be able to pull some strings for a passing grade, I explained that I was really close friends with his teacher. His only response? "Well that's weird. She's old."
I can't believe how ungrateful he was being about this. So you know what I'm gonna do? Give his mom exactly what she wants. I'm gonna get hammered with her and give her a first class ticket on the express train to Pound Town. Time to teach these little bastards a lesson about gratitude.
Addendum: It was brought to my attention that it seems like I'm overreacting. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely gonna hit her up for drinks and try to **** her anyway. But now I can do it with a clean conscience, which was the point I apparently didn't get across very well.
Board 8 comments:
Corruption in the educational system. Yess -Lockes Ragnarok
Her Vaginas[]
I was subbing for the gym teacher on Wednesday. I love subbing for my former basketball coach because I literally get paid to play sports with kids all day. Its like being a professional athlete without any of the glory. I decided to let the kids have free choice, meaning they could play pickle ball, cornhole, basketball, volleyball, jump rope, or hantis. Hantis is the coolest f***ing game ever evented and you should definitely check it out. Not just because my best friends from high school created it and now its starting to hit the country with such force that they were able to quit their jobs to do it exclusively. Check it out at hantis.net. Its basically a game of four square using tables and a tennis ball. (Shameless plug over.)
Anyhow, we were playing this game all day because the kids really get excited about it. During 5th period, my 7th graders were playing just like we had been all day. One of the rules is that if the tennis ball hits someone then hits the ground, that person is out. This class decided this was the rule to focus on. All they did was try to hit the ball as hard as possible at each other.
A clueless girl named Vanessa decided she wanted to play. She made it through a couple rounds, not really affecting the game much but not being eliminated either. That's when another kid decided to hit the ball as hard as he could at her to get her out. He slapped the ball and I watched on in amusement as it crossed the tables and hit her square in the crotch.
"OWWWWWWW!" she screamed. "OWWWWWW MY VAGINAS!" she screamed. The tears started flowing, so a couple girls took her into the locker room to calm her down.
A few minutes later Vanessa ran back out to me, looking completely frazzled and sobbing. She motioned for me to bend down so she could whisper something.
"My vaginas are bleeding" she managed to make out as she gasped for air between her heaves of crying.
At this point I had no idea what the f*** was going on. I thought this kid had seriously injured her lady parts somehow. I immediately called for backup. Mommadore came into the gym and pulled the girl aside to try to figure out what was wrong. I resumed gym class as normal and let them go to the office to handle this situation.
Mommadore called me about 20 minutes later to fill me in on what happened. The girl had started her period for the first time. This just miraculously decided to coincide with her getting a tennis ball hit into her crotch. After figuring out the problem, Mommadore decided to educate her as well. Apparently the girl kept talking about her "vaginas" and Mommadore got fed up with it. She said it took her 5 minutes for this child to understand that vagina is not a plural word.
I am eternally grateful I didn't have to deal with this situation very long. But I will forever always have the memory of this girl doubling over in pain screaming about her vaginas. I think it might be enough to get me through anything in life when I need a quick laugh.
Other Users's Experiences/Stories[]
Ryoko's Albanian Transfer Student Story[]
We recently (Note: actually in elementary school) had an albanian transfer student and he was pretty normal as far as we could all tell. well one day the school had one of the monthly fire drills and albanian kid stepped in a huuuge pile of dog crap. once we got back inside the school our teacher sent him to the bathroom so he could clean it off
a half hour later and he's still not back so the teacher sends another student to go check on him. apparently when the student found him he was in a stall standing IN the toilet slapping his sneaker with a papertowel
good times
Stories yet to be written[]
Hairy female teachers
Mexicans
The smurf
The bird ate my homework
A stripper