Board 8 Wiki

Who is Conker?[]

Fuck off, you damned jackass. What are you doing here? Is reading this gonna do you any good? Will it? Of course not. Take your sorry fucking ass and get the fuck off of my site, you stupid fuck!

What's that? You're staying anyway? Well fuck you! Fuck you, fuck your potato chips, fuck your candy bars, and fuck everything else about you. You're lucky I don't come over to your fucking house and piss all over the place. What are you, a fucking retard?

You're still here? Fuck off already!

"Die. You. Son. Of. A. BITCH!" - Conker

Conker's Contest History[]

Win-Loss Record: 0-3

Summer 2003 Contest - East Division - 13 Seed

  • Eastern Round 1 --- Lost to (4) Yoshi, 30997 [33.54%] - 61421 [66.46%]
  • Extrapolated Strength --- 46th Place [17.56%]

Summer 2004 Contest - Hyrule Division - 14 Seed

  • Hyrule Round 1 --- Lost to (3) Crono, 17605 [22.01%] - 62375 [77.99%]
  • Extrapolated Strength --- 49th Place [16.37%]

As cool as Conker is, it's clear to see that he doesn't have much to offer in these contests. He may be a small step above the typical 3D exclusive platformer character, but the fact of the matter is that he is still a platformer character. This group of characters --- Crash Bandicoot, Sly Cooper, Ratchet, and Jak to name a few --- don't perform badly because of being bad characters. A small bit of research on Conker shows that Conker has the attitude and character that appeal to GameFAQs voters. The problem comes from the platformer genre itself. It's simply not popular anymore, and even Mario himself has been suffering because of this as of late.

It's as simple as that. Only in rare exceptions will platformer characters do well in this contest. It's a shame, but it's a reality.

Summer 2005 Contest - 20XX Division - 8 Seed

  • 20XX Round 1 --- Lost to (1) Mega Man, 23913 [23.98%] - 75807 [76.02%]
  • Extrapolated Strength --- 51st Place [17.05%]

Conker doesn't get the amount of attention that other no-win characters receive, perhaps because most of GameFAQs couldn't care less about 3D platformer characters. He simply doesn't have the inside joke flair going for him that CATS or Gordon Freeman does, but the end result is the same. Three matches, three losses.

His bracket placement has also gotten worse by year, and one could easily assume that Conker only made the Summer 2005 field due to an Xbox title that came out just before the nomination period. The odds of Conker even making another contest again, let alone winning a match are very slim.