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Who is Dirk the Daring?[]

Have you ever watched Fievel Goes West or All Dogs Go to Heaven or the crock of fecal matter that is Titan A.E. and, abruptly, said to yourself, “Y’know, I wish I could play a video game that looks like a Don Bluth movie”? Well, had you been NOT A FETUS in the early 1980’s, Dragon’s Lair would have been your hypothetical answer!

In Dragon’s Lair, you “play” as Dirk the Daring (voiced by Dan Molina, whom you may recognize from All Dogs Go to Heaven as “Additional Voices”), an intrepid hero off to rescue his fair maiden/cocktease Princess Daphne from some huge-ass dragon thing. The player doesn’t control Dirk directly, but instead simply chooses his path along his quest, determining whether he makes it closer to the princess or eats more of your quarters (a.k.a. dies). The game is basically a bunch of Don Bluth-animated FMVs with minimal interactivity, but it was enough of a departure from traditional arcade fare to stand out.

The game’s been re-released on laserdisc several times recently, so a whole new generation of gamers can experience the most graphically innovative game of its day, helping Dirk on his quest to survive in a harsh world with other orphaned dinosaurs through an endless series of home-video-released sequels. …I mean, rescue the princess. Woo, tangent.

Giant Serpent: Thief! Mother-in-Law: *smack* Oh, shut up!

(Writeup courtesy of Ed Bellis)

Dirk the Daring's Contest History[]

Win-Loss Record: 0-1

Summer 2002 Contest - South Division - 13 Seed

  • Southern Round 1 --- Lost to (4) Max Payne, 12109 [23.83%] - 38707 [76.17%]
  • Extrapolated Strength --- 61st Place [7.93%]

This was Dirk's lone appearance, it was a loss, he hasn't come back since, blah blah blah.

But that's not the funny thing about Dirk's loss to Max Payne. This was the lowest-scoring poll of all time; it was so bad for both characters that Dirk nearly took 25% of the votes despite only scoring 12,109 votes, a small enough total to be fairly high up on the list of lowest individual vote totals of all time.

Daaaaa-yum.

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