Try as he might, Gordon Freeman Never Wins

Gordon Freeman Never Wins, but he beat Phoenix Wright in 2006, so the tradition is broken. This was due to ZenOfThunder's foolishness.

The History of GFNW (by AT) Edit

Some of you have wondered why the term GFNW came to be.

Don't lie to me. Of course you have. I've seen you.

The abbreviation of GFNW -- Gordon Freeman Never Wins -- seems, at its core, to be simple enough. There's Gordon Freeman, he never wins, mystery solved, time for some pie.

But then there are some who continue to question this -- why only Gordon Freeman? Why not other hapless losers, like Guybrush Threepwood? Or Pac-Man? And so on and so forth. Some have wondered if Gordon Freeman is, in fact, being 'hated upon'.

Well, I am here right now to insist that this is, in fact, not the case. Nobody hates Gordon Freeman; it is, in fact, almost impossible for us to do so by virtue of his character design (as will be elaborated upon shortly).

No, the answer lies not with the board but with Gordon Freeman himself -- and, as you shall see, Gordon Freeman is one of the most interesting cases you may ever come across.

You see, Gordon Freeman is designed specifically to cater to the sort of people who frequent sites like this one. He's the unmitigated genius (he holds, if I recall correctly, an advanced degree from MIT in... whatever the hell scientific field he's in) equivalent of an everyman -- sort of an everynerd, if you will. He's not physically imposing in the slightest, his eyesight is poor enough to warrant big ol' Elvis Costello glasses and he spends his entire life in desperate need of a shave -- but through his sheer intellect and survival skills, he singlehandedly fights off an entire invasion and saves the universe from peril.

So here we have a protagonist who, for all intents and purposes, should be a bastion of pride for us all -- a hero, a role model and a paragon of virtue. Right?

And yet, he just can't seem win a popularity contest on GameFAQs. Even once. Ever. The man lost to Max Payne. The man lost to Tina Armstrong, and I sincerely doubt eighty per cent of the board even knows who she is. Half-Life could have beat Metroid Prime, but something held it back; three guesses!

I have come to the conclusion, based upon the available evidence, that Gordon Freeman is genuinely trying to lose. Think about this. Under any and all circumstances, Gordon Freeman should easily be able to defeat any opponent at any given time no matter what the odds, because he is the very manifestation of each and every one of us -- we are him, he is us, and to anti-vote ourselves would be distinctly difficult to do. Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that each and every time Gordon Freeman is pitted against even the most pitiful of foes (which, you'll notice, he always is), he uses his unmatched and awe-inspiring intellect to find a way, any way, to lose every single time. I suspect it may be some sort of sport for him.

The other possible conclusion is that he acts as a modern-day equivalent of Wile E. Coyote -- that, following in the teachings of Doctor Coyote, he believes himself to be superior to all other forms of life because of his incredible brainpower and then crafts elegant and seemingly foolproof plans for success that each and every time backfire in a spectacularly hilarious way and lead to his inevitable undoing. If you cannot picture Gordon Freeman being hit by a train as he sits alone huddled in a small shack filling carrots with nitroglycerine, then I genuinely pity you.

Whether he is using his peerless intellectual capacity to intentionally lose or to unintentionally lose, the end result is the same and can be proclaimed with absolute certainty -- Gordon. Freeman. Never. Wins.

So there you have it, gentle reader; the day that Gordon Freeman wins a match is the day that his intelligence, which by design is our intelligence, no longer counts for anything. And for all of our sakes, I pray that such a demoralizing day never comes.

Mystery solved. Time for some pie.

~Amazing Telephone

The Death of GFNW Edit

GFNW...a highly contagious disease...and also a lie... all these years... Think about it.

We know, to this point anyway, that Gordon has never won. GFNW. It's a disease, a virus, he has.

BUT, it is also contagious. Every opponent that Gordon has ever fought has never won a match after facing Gordon. Why? Because they got too close to him and contracted the near-lethal infection!

We have Tina Armstrong in 2002. She beat Gordon in her first match. She then lost to Aeris and never reappeared.

In 2003, we had Max Payne. Max Payne was actually 1-1 in 2002, so he had won a little. After defeating Gordo in '03 though, he was defeated by Sephy. The next year he returned, trying to rid himself of the horrible scars left on him by this flesh-eating virus, but he met defeat at the hands of Tommy Vercetti and never returned, subject to the horrors of GFNW.

In 2004, our infected nerd tried his hand at the ever oh-so-popular, Samuel Fisher. Sammy went into this match 0-1 (a loss at the hands of Magus), and became the 3rd to defeat the sickly one. The following match, he was raped by Samus... understandable... most people are... but it didn't matter.... the virus was there.... Poor Mr. Fisher just didn't know it yet.... He returned in 2005, unbeknownst to him that the virus was getting stronger on him, as Fisher was doubled by the Master of Disaster, Donkey Kong. Victim number 3 for our man in need of immunization.

Then, came 2005, and Gordon's urge to "kill"..... or rather... "take down his opponent with him" rose again, as he fought the zombie slaying protagonist of Resident Evil 4, Leon Kennedy. Like the past 4 times, Leon made short work of the man who was going on his 4th year with the same illness. And oce again, Gordon made his secret strike. Leon got doubled by the Bomber. And is there any doubt he'll get beaten by Bowser? Of course not.

With the exception of Tina, each character has fought (and lost) their next round battle right after Gordon, appeared the next year, and lost in the first round, then never returned. Gordon has already struck down 3 people in this manner, and he's aiming to have the disease that he inflicted last year cut down his 4th victim...

Is this all a part of Gordon's plan? To take down his enemies slowly by infecting them with his disease, that he's clearly built up an immunity to all these years, that other characters can't handle? Has his losing all this time actually all been a hoax...? A way to fool the masses into thinking he's weak....? A way to take down his opponents one by one, without actually beating them, until only the strong and the fodder (like Phoenix Wright) remain?

So, let's look at his possible 5th victim.... Phoenix... if Phoenix wins... well... the same pattern may very wll hold true... Phoenix would lose to Sora, and then probably not make it out of the first round in 2007, so he won't return. Very possible. That would be Victim #5 indeed....

But if Gordon wins, impossible as it may seem, then Phoenix is a victim anyway, and Gordon has simply finally put his plan into full-fledged action, taking down an opponent by actually BEATING them.

So, let's summarize then... if Gordon's oppoent loses... well, then it seems either that GFNW has affected the opponent SO QUICKLY, that it causes them to lose that very match, or that Gordon is actually trying to move on to the next phase of his plan winning........ So, obviously, if Gordon wins, then he wins.

On the other hand, if Gordon faces an opponent and that opponent wins... then that character actually loses, since they're around no more and Gordon still is... hanging around with his immunity, while the others are susceptible. So, like in the past, when Gordon loses to an opponent, in actuality, that opponent actually loses, since he dies to the next few opponents and then never returns... while Gordon disappears... so since Gordon's opponent lost...... does this mean Gordon actually won when he lost?

And if this has happened the past 4 years... then has Gordon been fooling us all this time?

He's made us think he never wins, by pretending to fall victim to this terrible disease that he's actually immune to (or built up since '02 or '03 maybe). But, if that was actually all "pretending" then could it be that....


Indirectly anyway.

In summary overall then, GFNW is a disease that Gordon is immune to. When others fight him, he inflicts the character with that disease. He pretends to be unpopular and pretends to lose. The disease slowly eats away at the other character as they lose and lose and eventually never return. Gordy always returns though. He maybe realized this after 2002, or maybe before the contests even existed, that he could use his immunity to his advantage. Tina was actually more susceptible, as she was only in 1 extra match, and never returned. Tina, Max, Sam, and soon to be Leon (who already has been inflicted, and will soon lose, and maybe never return) have all fallen in this manner. If Phoenix loses, Gordon has perhaps finally decided to stop the facade... This would defeat the concept of GFNW, and perhaps it would finally cure Gordon of his horrible disease... Unfortunately, he may not be able to use it to his advantage anymore, unless........

UNLESS..... maybe that would be just a trap too, and it just so happened that Phoenix was SO susceptible to GFNW, that he went down from it before the match was even OVER! And thus, even though he "technically" won, one could argue he only "won" as much as he won the matches from 2002-2005, that he still had GFNW.

If Phoenix won however, well, then the pattern would continue, as it would anyway (if the latter about Gordon winning was true), and Phoenix would get owned by GFNW, and Gordon would live to fight another day.

Also, I have reason to believe this disease may also have affected Alyx, but I believe she isn't immune to it.

So, in conclusion... Gordon is using his actual disease to his advantage by destroying, surely but surely, everyone in his path.....

Every time Gordon loses the battle... but he wins the war.


(Editor's note: Leon broke the pattern by not only reappearing in 2007, but winning his first two matches.)

Gordon's lossesEdit

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