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Kleenex Facts are discoveries and observations made about KleenexTissue50. The first facts were posted by neonreaper and Ed Bellis per direction of i am the game. Original discoveries have been lost to the ravages of time and confirm the existence of dark matter.

Facts discovered by neonreaper[]

  • If you conversationally offered Kleenex five thousand bucks to blow you, he'd say no. He's not into guys! But if you have a bag with the cash in it....
  • Kleenex doesn't believe The White Stripes is really only two people. Who plays bass? Same thing with Local H, but he probably hadn't thought about them for ten years until this post.
  • Every time Kleenex is putting something together and has to use a Phillips head screwdriver, he thinks "man I really should look up why this is called 'Phillips'," but he never thinks to do it when he's done.
  • Instead of leaving the salt-shaker cap unscrewed as a prank, Kleenex would simply unscrew the cap, dump all the salt on the floor under the table, and put the salt shaker back on the table.
  • One time Kleenex was at the Ponderosa restaurant. He picked up a bowl, put it under the handle at the soft serve ice cream machine, and pulled the handle down. He looked around and noticed the salad bar and wondered if salad bars make a profit or not. He looked down and noticed he put the bowl under the wrong spot and he had filled the spill area with chocolate/vanilla twist ice cream. "God almighty!" he chuckled.
  • If Kleenex puts in 75 cents into the vending machine and his Milky Way gets stuck, he just walks away. Don't you get in trouble for banging and shaking those things?
  • Kleenex can't remember exactly what his shoe size is. 10? 10 1/2? He always has to try on two pairs of shoes at the bowling alley.
  • As a boy, Kleenex really enjoyed recess.
  • When Kleenex dreams about winning the lottery, he also worries about people calling him from charities, asking for money. He wants to be a nice guy but what fun is winning the lottery if you constantly get reminded that some people can't afford clothes? "Maybe I'll give a little bit to some inner city education thing, and a veteran's fund" and that seems about right to him.
  • Kleenex was messing with the car radio and 311's "Down" came on. He thought it was sort of catchy but remembered a friend telling him that 311 was lame. He decided it wasn't good enough to look uncool for, but he wouldn't change the station if it ever comes on. It doesn't come on the radio anymore because 311 is lame.
  • Kleenex can't fathom how breathing into a paper bag would help anyone, especially someone who is having breathing issues at the time. Wouldn't you like, die by doing that?
  • Kleenex remembers what it was like before Cinch-Sack garbage bags, and it sucked! He hated twist ties and still does.
  • With each passing year, Kleenex is more and more skeptical about the ability of a man being able to run from coast to coast in America. But when Forrest Gump came out, he thought it was somewhat reasonable, for a couple of months anyway.
  • While he doesn't think of her after the commercial ends, Kleenex is pretty happy to watch the lady in the Devo-themed Swiffer commercial while she energetically cleans up.
  • There's stuff in the back of Kleenex's fridge that he probably should throw out pretty soon. Making room for the 2 liter of coke by pushing the yogurt back is essentially the death knell for said yogurt.
  • This Halloween, Kleenex and a friend are going to dress up as the Silver Snakes from Legend of the Hidden Temple.
  • "Cootie" from Hasbro is Kleenex's favorite drinking game and always has been. Any other attempt to link Kleenex to a consideration of cooties is an embarrassment, please stop.
  • Kleenex is glad Marc Summers has found a nice spot on Food Network hosting a low key program. Kleenex was the biggest Double Dare fan you could find, and he was even impartial with his rooting interests and just wanted everyone to do well.
  • Kleenex has never carved a pumpkin because he thinks that clearing the insides out seems a little bit gross.
  • Kleenex likes to put candy bars in the fridge for a little bit before eating them.

Facts discovered by Neonreaper during the Pleinair topic, "KleenexFAQs > GameFAQs"...[]

  • Kleenex sees lawnmowers with the bag on the back, but then wonders, "what do I do with the grass when the bag gets full?"
  • Kleenex is pretty sure that the guy who played Corky on Life Goes On was actually retarded in real life as well. But he still did a google search to find out after reading this.
  • Kleenex doesn't get excited about Gummi Bears, but he can't stop eating them once he's had a couple.
  • Kleenex did not pre-order Demon's Souls, which makes him "not a gamer" according to Link the Midgit.
  • Kleenex is not sure if Cheese Its and Cheese Nips are the same thing, nor is he sure if it's Cheese or Cheez for either one.
  • Kleenex is one of those types of people that squish the bread while cutting it at restaurants. Everyone does this. It sucks.
  • Kleenex has never thought too highly of rollerskates ever since he saw rollerblades.
  • Kleenex's favorite ninja turtle is Donatello. He used to like Michelangelo's party-dude spirit, but now finds considering him to be altogether troublesome. Once upon a time, Kleenex had hoped to be a cool party dude but now realizes it's a pretty useless ambition and Kleenex isn't even really a big fan of parties. Even if he were, Michelangelo seems more like a "kids party at McDonalds" type of party dude, which seems a bit lame from this side of things. Donatello seems happy and capable of solitude as well as collaborating with peers and interacting with friends, as well as being driven by his own independent pursuits. Leonardo is a leader without the real need-to-achieve characteristics you would expect from a leader, instead it seems like some contrived discipline that pushes him. Dull. Raph is unapproachable, kind of the fictionalized self-representation some anti-social 15 year olds might have in fantasy online role playing chat rooms. Kleenex would still rank Raph over Leo, though, even with the whole "dual katana" thing in play.
  • Kleenex wouldn't argue about it, but he feels like the "0.9999..9998" argument in .999 = 1 topics holds some validity, even if it is impossible and doesn't actually make sense when you think about it. Not a big math guy, that Kleenex.
  • Kleenex promised his mother that he would never breastfeed from another woman. He is very tentative during intimate encounters, worried he may break his vow.
  • Kleenex gets kind of annoyed when that kid down the street plays basketball in the driveway. He thinks there should be a city ordinance against having a hoop in your driveway. Or, he would think that if he really knew what city ordinances were, and then wonders if ordinances can apply to private property like that. Much less effort to be grumpy about it. Friggin' kids playing outside.
  • Kleenex likes 7th Saga. He also likes short walks on the beach.
  • Every person that Kleenex had forwarded that "More Cowbell" video clip to said they had already seen it, but it was pretty funny.
  • Kleenex likes the color gray.
  • The idea of having 6 fingers on one hand creeps Kleenex out.
  • Kleenex doesn't know any of the lyrics to Slow Ride other than "slow ride/take it easy".
  • Kleenex isn't good at sports.
  • Kleenex is so small that a bus ran over him, literally, the whole bus was over him. Kleenex lived without a scratch. Oh no wait, that was Exthanemesis.

Facts discovered by Ed Bellis[]

  • Kleenex once downloaded the complete filmography of Federico Fellini over one very confused, drunken weekend.
  • Kleenex nursed a secret addiction to Icy Hot in the summer of 2005.
  • Kleenex once made a Firefox extension that would tell you "You're doin' swell!" every fifteen minutes.
  • Every so often Kleenex likes to turn his computer monitor off and type by instinct only.
  • Kleenex once reconstructed the entire album cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band using Lego people.
  • Kleenex thought about going for the 9000th comment on that OVER 9000 Youtube video, but figured it wasn't worth the hassle. Besides, it wouldn't feel right, especially since he never found it all that funny.
  • Kleenex secretly hoped Ash's Pikachu would never evolve.
  • Kleenex often has white bread sandwiches with butter. He says he "likes the taste."
  • In Kleenex's application for moderator, he wrote that, despite his love of Asian women, he would not moderate them any less harshly.
  • Kleenex once put a sock on his penis just so he could say he put a sock on his penis once.
  • Kleenex never really wanted to pick up the Harry Potter series - it "seemed kinda British" to him, whatever that means.
  • Ed Bellis often sleeps with a nightlight, to remind potential burglars that he's always watching them.

Facts discovered by sonicblastpunch[]

  • kleenex mistakenly spent two whole years livin inside the video game sammy sosa high heat baseball 2001 because it was so real
  • kleenex refuses to drink tang because he remembers hearin someone say it tastes like fish
  • kleenex once courted a lady by handin her a deck of magic the gatherin cards and then askin if he could tap her land sometime she rebuffed his offer but he still thinks it was pretty clever
  • every so often when kleenex goes to the supermarket he accidentally buys a big box of crackers with the unsalted tops instead of the salted tops but he eats them anyway because it wouldn't be worth all the fuss and muss of goin back to the store and explainin that he grabbed and purchased the wrong box of crackers
  • Kleenex found a fourth ingredient to the now famous "Purple Stuff". Sugar,Water,Purple, and our lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has been a preacher at an all-black church since that day. He manages to yell "AMEN" and "THANK YOU JESUS" in a Steve Harvey impersonation at least 45 times per sermon.
  • kleenex knows how to do the Hustle

Facts discovered by Gwindor[]

  • Once, when he was little, his mother paid for himself and a friend to ride an elephant at the zoo. He was too scared to ride, so his friend got to ride twice. His mother scolded him for wasting her money.
  • Kleenex had a model railway set growing up. Instead of pretending that he was a passenger or conductor, he always pretended that he was the CEO of the railway, even though he didn't know what a CEO was. This was because he didn't like trains very much.
  • Kleenex always closes his eyes as he takes someone's picture.

Facts discovered by Aeon Azuran[]

  • Kleenex remembers what he had for breakfast well after he's forgotten what he had for lunch. He wonders if it is connected to his trouble telling different deli meats apart.
  • Once a man on the street asked Kleenex for some change. Instead of a dollar bill he handed the man a twenty by mistake, and asked for it back. Kleenex felt vaguely guilty about this for the rest of the day.
  • Kleenex hates modern dance, but secretly wants to learn how to waltz.

Facts discovered by SenpaiDessus[]

  • Kleenex has often tried to make out patterns in the stars. He likes to try to find the North Star, but he can never remember if it's connected to the Big Dipper or the Little Dipper. I should look that up on Wikipedia, he often says to himself. Usually he opts to have hot chocolate instead.

Facts discovered by Veola[]

  • As an adolescent, Kleenex stole a stop sign to decorate his bedroom wall. To this day, Kleenex fears that the police may eventually bust down his door & bring him to justice.
  • One day, Kleenex required a large ladder to do housework. Appalled by the $40 rental fee, he said "**** that, I may as well buy one!" $200 later, he realized he could not fit such a thing in his garage.
  • Kleenex is never sure when boiled eggs are done.
  • Kleenex once tried to impress people by telling them he could tell the difference between butter & I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. It just so happened that both were in a nearby fridge, so he was called out on it & put to the test.
  • When Kleenex watched Dragonball Z, the scene where Frieza reached 100% power made him feel very uncomfortable. He had nobody to discuss these odd feelings with in order to get them sorted out.
  • Kleenex is always bothered by the poor service at his local steakhouse, but never bothered quite enough to complain.

Facts discovered by HaRRicH[]

  • Kleenex loves haunted hayrides, but only the ones that have messages. He particularly appreciated the one he saw in fifth grade about how drunk driving was the realest fear their community had seen.
  • Kleenex wishes theaters would show midnight showings of Eight Crazy Nights eight times a year. Oddly enough, he wishes they led up in a way so the final showing was on his birthday instead of lining up with Hanukkah.

Facts discovered by stingers[]

  • Kleenex once found $10 on the ground near the pears in the produce section at the supermarket. Even though he knows the chances are slim, he has since always walked by that spot at the supermarket, just in case.

Facts discovered by WVI[]

  • On a long walk, Kleenex found a gigantic badger carcass. He was glad he was able to look at it since it wasn't gory. He was going to take a snapshot with his phone to put it online, but stopped himself. He decided he was better than that.

Facts discovered by TheKnightOfNee[]

  • Kleenex received some coupons in the mail and wondered if it was worth sorting them and cutting out the ones he wanted. After sitting down to do some lengthy calculations, he decided the time he would spend on the coupons was not worth the few cents he would save.
  • Ironing clothes is difficult for Kleenex. Sometimes he forgets to pull his clothes out of the dryer right away, and they get wrinkly, so he instead washes and dries them a second time, hoping to pull them out of the dryer immediately next time.
  • Kleenex does not like spiders, but he also does not like the way it feels to just crush them with a tissue. He has discovered an effective way to kill them is to lob his old Intro to C++ textbook across the room and onto the spider.
  • For Halloween next month, Kleenex will buy two bags of candy. One is to give to kids, and the other is for him to eat. He can't help it, he finds those Payday bars so delicious.
  • The other day Kleenex passed by a neighbor while outside and said, "Great weather today, isn't it?" Kleenex later felt guilty about this small talk he made. It had been about five degrees too warm for "great weather" that day.

Facts discovered by Colonel Alloy[]

  • To save money, Kleenex buys a generic brand of "looped fruit" cereal that comes in a bag. He disguises his shame by putting these bags into an old Froot Loops box he has, hoping no one will notice the expired promotional materials on the back.

Facts discovered by matrix007[]

  • While listening to the radio in his car Kleenex hears a siren, and even though he knows its just part of the song he checks his mirrors anyway.

Facts discovered by Pleinair[]

  • Kleenex once looked at a can of concentrated orange juice and was reminded of a blonde joke regarding one. He remembered thinking it was quite funny when he first heard it, but he can no longer understand why he did. Kleenex suddenly came to the realization that he was late for school and he still hasn't had his full day's supply of Vitamin C.
  • If Kleenex was a hot dog and he was hungry, he would not eat himself. He would resort to eating the bun that surrounds him, however. Kleenex came to this conclusion after spending several hours pondering that all-important question.
  • Kleenex cannot whistle. He's tried, but that whole "just put your lips together & blow" explanation is simply not sufficient.
  • When Kleenex & a bunch of athletic teenagers came inside the house to get a drink, they went through a long list of options and invariably got excited when Sunny D came up, and they all chose that. Not Kleenex, though. He chose the unlabeled bottle with unidentifiable Purple Stuff. He was not seen for weeks afterwards, and when he returned, he was the Kleenex we all know today.
  • Whenever Kleenex looks at stamps, he is reminded of when the jump from 29 to 32 cents was a big thing.
  • Kleenex cannot shake an odd feeling that Aeon did not actually eat a copy of FFX, and he merely presented a series of pictures strongly suggesting he did.

Facts discovered by SuperJanitor[]

  • Kleenex gets agitated when people forget the second s in asterisk.

Facts discovered by Cokes[]

  • When Kleenex pulls into a parking spot and finds time still on the meter, he goes and does his errand, just like everyone else. But when he returns, he puts a quarter in before leaving so he won't feel guilty later.
  • Kleenex briefly considered making a BesaidFAQs topic, but decided neither he nor Besaid would understand it.

Facts discovered by Shaggy[]

  • Kleenex is on a first name speaking basis with Bill Brasky.

Facts discovered by Seginustemple[]

  • Kleenex always buys the classic coke bottles when they are available, not because he likes the authentic feel, but so that he can practice taking the caps off smoothly in case he ever goes to a party and has to crack a beer. He wouldn't want to risk embarrassment!
  • Whenever Kleenex brings girls over he always mentions that his place is a total mess, though he knows it's fairly tidy. He thinks women dig guys with high standards of hygiene and cleanliness, though he always regrets the guilt of being dishonest.

Facts discovered by Theo72[]

  • Kleenex has an internet connection, not only because he likes the internet, but also so he can tell other people he has it.

Facts discovered by KleenexTissue50[]

  • Ed Bellis likes to put a little cologne on before he steps outside to get the mail. You know, just in case he sees someone he knows.
  • When asked why he wears sandals in the shower, Ed Bellis replied "It makes me feel taller".
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